Mom is financially able but doesn’t want to pay me for providing 24/7 care in her home because her money is invested. I’m 66, poor. Help?

Thanks so much for sharing your situation. I’ve learned, it’s one thing in the abstract, quite another to get it out there in direct words between mom & daughter, and, I am flailing. I realize, in the wk. to 10 days since i’ve sought help, here, I have mega info to assimilate. And, others, familiar with my mom’s type of personality, have suggested things. I have learned much from many suggestions and information that resonates as true or, true-enough to investigate.

My sibs, I think, won’t likely get it, because I think they don’t want to. Because if I walk away, they may have to actually do something. They live far away, they are enjoying prosperity and having fun, AND, they have dealt with the mom dilemma all of their lives, too, and have run away from it. They’re not stupid. But I was.

I have been trying to get space from mom while I decide, first, (big deal for me to put me before her), what do I want, stay or go? What I really want is to go, tho it’s not that simple because I care about her no matter how selfish she is. She’s very dependent.

Just this minute mom snagged me as I walked thru and demanded answers to this and that. I said that I need space while I hear what my online support group is contributing. The answers I heard from her were all kinds of manipulations, confabulations, and attempts to get an immediate answer.
I understand wanting answers, but I am not finished finding one. I repeated that I hadn’t yet decided If I would stay, and she looked surprised.
Shes’s upset with me for departing from the way I usually jump to her demands/requests. Won’t do it any longer. If I am ever to get healthy, it’s truly now or never. I don’t know if I can expect her to learn about that. If she does’t, I am aware she may blame me till the end for “walking out on her”, never, ever, seeing the real truth.
So, did that happen for you? How did it play out?
I am floundering in mom’s anger at me right now for not kow-towing. I HAVE to get through this! I don’t want to knock under. Any insights?

I understand, Barb, thanks.

Barb, in the one looong week since I first posted, amidst all of the often well-intended suggestions that she may be narcissistic, I am wondering if it is signs of increasing dementia. There are definite indicators of mild dementia—especially expressive aphasia. She has word-finding problems and it has worsened since I got here. Of course, that wouldn’t explain her behavior prior to her decline. So, I suspect both are going on.

I have taken notes on your good questions and will find out the answers. My sister, a doctor, holds the medical POA, if that answers anything. Frankly, since she visits only bi-annually, I don’t think she knows more than I do about mom’s current status/decline. How could she? I’m a little miffed she hasn’t participated more in mom’s care.

I intend to to reply to your other notes below.
thanks for your great comments.

You have been so good to persist in providing helpful questions and info. I value questions and ideas that help me decide how to proceed.

I don’t know the term “successor trustee”. Mom’s step son is called trustee over the living trust. I will ask him. Mom likes to think she is savvy about this. No, she told me yesterday that she can’t touch that money, that the trust is “not hers”, but is for all surviving kids. She very likely doesn’t know, and most likely doesn’t wish to touch it out of respect to her husband. She has never volunteered information to me. It caused me to feel it was private between her and her 2 executors. So, I left it alone. Thought she wanted privacy. But now I need to know.

I have always wondered why my doc sister, who is an astute business woman, never came to my aid, voluntarily. We haven’t been close, and her world-#travels have kept her busy.

I believe you’re right that I am confusing caring for mom with providing hands-on care. I never thought of the distinction, only that I needed to be here to help her stay in her accessible home, with all of her goodies, where she wants to be. (In-home costs are exhorbitant. She would not stay if she had to pay 100k/yr.—she’d be too afraid she’d run out of money.
Her home health insurance only pays for $100/day, with a minimum stay, so that means she might get 3 hrs. ($75.) in the a.m., then pay for the rest, except the $25, for the rest of her daily needs. She’s afraid to be alone at night in case she needs help. Clearly, i’m learning to spell out the facts. AL is cheaper. Still, hard to say what she’d choose, if forced. I want to give her an option. (Again, what SHE wants?). Isn’t that what this is about in many ways?

I don’t want to be a burden on taxpayers. That’s partly why I’m standing up. I am Working! There is value to what I do, and I want to contribute. Mom seems to feel I owe it to her, somehow. Ya know, I’m done with the “why”. I just don’t care about that, anymore.

i’m not Sure about your last paragraph, thinking you may have misunderstood. I’M not the materialist. Mom is. I don’t care much about that except for a little comfort. Mom is the one who needs excessive materials in order to be happy. She always has.

thanksfor sticking with me. K

I think if I understood better about manipulators I wouldn’t be where I am today. That’s why it’s important to me to hear your opinions. I think mom is a skilled manipulator. I KNOW she is. I’ve witnessed it. That ‘s the reason I hesitate to label her with the word “narcissist”, as many good people here have labeled her. Many, for sure, without a PhD, tho, many of their comments helped me to stand up to mom. Not sure a diagnosis is necessary, except what came out of that—I need to look out for myself, and, I have failed to do that with my mom. The main thing is, I have benefitted in just one week from comments from people like you. You have no idea—we’ll, maybe you do have. A light in the dark from a voice that is non-judgmental and purely supportive is a blessing, indeed.
thanks, Barb.

I always like reading your notes. I appreciate them very, very much. I need to slow down and think. I’ve had a lot of info in just one week since I first posted. New ideas have been introduced. Without your replies, I would never have stood up to mom and likely would have done what I always do, lay down and play dead, or flee. I needed to hear from convincing folks that I must stand up to her. The narcissism is a new idea to me, and I have researched it. I have, or intend to, follow up on every good bit of advice i’ve received. In the end, I will decide what to do with a clearer. Mind and heart, thanks to many of you. You were exactly what I needed at this time and I couldn’t be more grateful, even for kicks in the butt; NOT, for words of disparagement., or assumptions, or those who wanted to dig beyond the scope of the question/issues.

thanks so much.

I agree that I need a therapist as soon as I can manage that. It seems in this one week of wonderful support, I am beginning to bring up too many other issues best left to a therapist. Lots of info, mostly helpful, not all.
thank you so much.

Ok. I won’t. Yesterday I decided after all this time, mom can just wait for that. There’s no real rush, as she mentioned waiting a month or two for sis to visit, see her lawyer, and maybe set up some fund. And I need time to decide if I can stay. Mom wants me to stay. She denies she asked me to leave. I’m getting pretty worn out emotionally. She DID ask me to leave, in anger. She spent some time regretting that. She has it good, and she knows it. She wants this last week to go away, just disappear, without taking responsibility. This can’t happen. I want to do the right thing. I still love my mother when all is said and done.

You have been so kind and good to me during this time. I look for your note and it’s always there. That means so much right now. A voice of reason, with good ideas. And perspective. You sound very knowlegable about narcissism and I pay close attention to what you say about that. Recall, I only recently slapped this label on mom and I could be wrong, but what else to call it? I used to think she just had too much pride and focus on appearances and that she had done without the grand riches she always desired for so long while married to my dad. I always excused her behavior somehow. But, I blamed myself for not being good enough. I deferred to her, because she was so insistant about telling us all what to do, never mind that we were busy trying to be our own selves. And, she didn’t always have the best advice. I really don’t like to blame—as an adult, i’m responsible for my own choices, good or bad. But if you are an adult functioning with a skewed mind-set due largely to neglectful and ignorant parenting that failed to prepare you with useful skills in dealing with this world, then you want to ask “why”? But that’s not a real useful question at this point, tho I asked it over and over for 30 yrs. I was determined to figure out as much as I could, because I knew I had to, or never thrive. But, I was also committed to never losing my core of compassion and decency and love. That was all I really had that was mine and that i’ve valued.

So, living with mom these two yrs. has been eye-opening. And now, with your help and the help of all of these good people who care enough to write me, i’m finding some perspective, lots of useful information, and a kind of permission to let go a little. I need to. It’s truly killing me. I don’t think I would ever abandon my mother. But this sure is a blatant notice to set much needed boundaries at last. I’ve tried before.

I loved the the throwing rocks idea. Maybe similar, a few days ago I drove south 30 miles to a small park on Lake Michigan. Beautiful, and no one there. So, I shouted at mom for a little while, then strolled in the sand on the beach. The surf sound was loud and it helped. Ha! (I confess I thought maybe I could live in a campsite all summer). Escape!! But, no.

I will not leave here till I feel I can. My mom is not a cruel person. I’ve not said “no” to her much. When I do, she gets irate. She’s even had a tantrum or two. But that’s because sh’s so used to getting everything she wants, HER way, control freak and spoiled, as she is.

we talked a bit yesterday. Hate to admit, but she insisted, even after I told her I wouldn’t talk till I was ready, because I was so angry with her. But we did some. Then she criticized me for sounding hateful. I repeated that I told her we should wait and have a rational discussion when my anger simmered down.
she managed to reduce the issues down to this: “so, it’s all about money”, she accused (she didn’t ask it as a question). I said, no, mom, but have you ever once spoken to me about my future or what’s going to happen to me whenyou’re gone? A few more things, then I ended it. I don’t like to problem-solve in anger.
i guess it’s some progress. I could tell she was reconsidering a bit after some time to herself. I know she’s scared and I want to comfort her, but I think, at long last, it’s time for her to face the consequences of her actions. It’s the only way, for someone like her. She’s not in any danger, she can get breakfast and lunch for herself, as I have it ready. I make dinner. I don’t want her company right now. I need to distinguish between her “wants” and her “needs”, and set limits. These are the first steps. I think we might be over the crisis. Not sure. One day at a time. She hasn’t said yet that she wants me to stay, and I don’t know if I should/can. I think a holding pattern and negotiating is a good plan.

Thanks so so very much for your great support. I value it so much.

I had no clue that if one was current on payments, she could still lose the benefits? Contacting that carrier is on my list. Thanks for the heads-up on that. I will frame it to her as you suggest. I don’t see how she can function right now without me and I won’t abandon her, even tho she asked me to leave. We have to change the dynamics of the situation for sure, and I do think getting caregivers in here is a good idea, at least enough to use her $100/day home health benefit, which won’t provide much caregiver time.

You have given helpful ideas. Thanks so much. I keep saying to myself: others have done this, and I can do it,too. Step by step. Your support has helped me to ward off despair and panic. I now have a resource with this wonderful website, so, i’m Not alone! Not sure what will happen, yet, but at least I don’t feel so confused and strangled! XO

It's already shortened. I think the full name is Slartabartfast, presumably after the planet architect in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Or else it's an amazing coincidence! :)

Has it, though? I can't tell if the kicking out has happened or not.

Sorry you have trouble understanding. If I had a home, I would have brought my mom there. I brought my dad into my home a number of yrs. ago. I took care of my sister as she began dying, then had to put her in respite care. We had been best friends our entire lives and I miss my bud.

Mom asked me me to come here, and I did. I didn’t want this, but I wanted my mom to be cared for, because I love her and want her to be happy.

I am giving up the last years of my earning life. I don’t always feel ok, but I don’t tell mom that. If she hadn’t asked me to live with her, I would be earning money, because I need to. I have no one to care for me when I get sick. I will likely never marry again. I’m alone and afraid, but I know I did the right thing in coming to help my mom. If I had resources, I would never think of charging mom. Since I don’t, I need pay, as I can’t earn a living elsewhere right now, because i’m giving everything to mom. If I don’t earn something, I won’t have anything and will regret I sacrificed so much.

not sure yet about releasing funds. The money is in a living trust and she feels it should stay there to honor her deceased husbands wishes. Thanks for your thoughts.

Good point. But, I did value myself. Just in ways mom didn’t value. I don’t value materialism and acquiring jewels. I value helping others and living a life that is true to my convictions. But, your point is heard. I stopped talking to mom about my values, because she just didn’t get it.

I appreciate your reply. I don’t know what I would have done without the ideas and support from so many people on this site.

Yes, I believe i’m being used, but I don’t want to be a martyr. I think some situations require patience, and lots of clarification.

Mom and I talked earlier. She doesn’t see/admit that she’s been using me. I asked her, “what about doing the right thing for your loved one?” She didn’t have an answer. She’s getting too old. Our conversation knocked some stuff out of her. In no way do I want her
to “atone” at this point. She was a very good mom in many ways and I am grateful for that. She will never see things that don’t make sense to her or don’t register.
Interesting to see how she maneuvered around tricky questions and what I thought were facts. I could be wrong. Her memories and mine vastly differ in terms of what has been said and misunderstood.. I don’t want to harbor resentments. I just want to resolve problems and move on. So, that’s how we’ll proceed.

i would never have been able to have had this fairly productive conversation with mom today, had it not been for the many caring and informative and supportive posts from you all on this forum. I am so grateful.

Thanks for sending Michigan info! I was hoping for that, and you provided good ideas, as well. I took notes on all you shared.

I’m so sorry to hear of your huge devotion to your parents and that now, you are not recovering well. You CAN, and you will! Believe it! I have a little trouble with some advice to those of us who are trying to struggle out of despair and brokeness. Sometimes, it’s timing, but most times, it’s making a huge leap out of confusion, regret, anger, resentment, or more. Sometimes, we have to force ourselves to put one small foot forward into something we CAN do. I know this.

You were very kind to help me. I am so appreciative. These small kindnesses add up in the life of one who has few to make a big difference. Pass it on! Thanks.

But what about your mother? She has raised you? Then you leave her all alone with all the expenses?!!

Riley, is it always a good idea to become a POA? Especially for a narcissist?

So true. My brother has moved into assisted living, and he has two rooms and it is lovely, the care wonderful, and the help so exceptionally kind. But he needs little (gets his rooms and meals and all the perks) help. It is minimally just over 4,000 a month in So. Cal which is inexpensive compared to here in Bay Area. So her Mom should understand that. And frankly, if she has the money should move there, and pay it, and enjoy it. And leave her daughter to have a life. Only my opinion for what it is worth.

I get upset just reading your post. I am so sorry you are going through all this. It is difficult enough caring for your loved one and then you have to deal with your sister. I do not know what is wrong with people. I do not know how you took care of your parents alone. You must be strong and very kind hearted. I would tell your sister to stop harassing you or you will call the authorities. I know that sounds cruel but it seems like the only alternative. Do not answer the phone when she calls. She is rude enough to put you through all this. You need to stick up for yourself.
I think lack of sleep is from so much stress. Join a gym and workout slowly until you reach your goal. Stress can cause lots of health issues and you need to take care of yourself. I hope things get better for you.

I am appreciative of your reply and comments. You’re so right about trying to reason with someone who doesn’t understand the rules/ways of reasoning. That was a very good reminder. Mom never quite understood that, but I didn’t get that until recently—she tried hard to sound as if she got it, but, she doesn’t. No wonder I was fooled.

i am learning what you said—don’t expect much from family. I guess I did. I’ve gotten words of gratitude, but...

making spreadsheets is a good idea, but mom probably wouldn’t understand it all. She’d pretend like she does, because that’s what she does, then later I find out she doesn’t get it. I think it’s better to find the bottom lines and help her to manage those.

I appreciate your support and sending your comments. Since that time we are slowly beginning to talk. It should be slow. I am learning so much from all of you helpful posters. Thanks so much, Bob.

Thanks, i’m Working on it.

You are so sweet to reply to me and tell me your story. I hope the very best for you. I sometimes think I should feel more glrateful for what I do have. I just don’t want to be taken advantage of, and mom seems to expect service from me. I have always tried to please her and she knows that. She IS taking advantantage, for sure, I just don’t know how much!

no, I would not inherit the home and there are 7 kids who are named in a living trust. I would never try to get anything except a fair wage for what i’m doing.

yes, this is all so hard. I just don’t want to be stupid and foolish. I am providing what she wants in order to stay in her home. I’m giving up all I want in my life right now to do that for her because I love her. If I weren’t doing that, someone el.se would be because she’s not ready to be in a home. She needs time to let go. But if that means, in these last years of my working life that I will lose out to the point of being destitute, annd no one else will step in (no one will), then I need to fight for fair wages—no one else will.

thanks so much for caring.

You have sacrificed so very, very much Joanne. I can’t imagine. My problems seem small compared to what you did. I hope you had some support. I hope you have support now. I hope you’re feeling better.

Almost all of my sibs are millionaires. Mom is too, barely. I never cared much for money, I cared about helping people and that’s what I did. I never had any instruction about retirement and all that, so I didn’t learn how. I never had ANY instruction from either parent, except incidentally, as to how to be a wife.
So, that’s what I felt I had to do, and of course, that failed (1970’s). Well, I got myself into college and paid for the student loans till I was 55 yrs. old. But I made ba,d choices and never earned all that much compared with others. I just had no guidance. How do people who make big bucks get so far? They have mentors and people to guide them. Well, that’s over.

If mom had caregivers here, she’d pay wY too much, and they wouldn’t do near the things I am willing to do for her. Because i’m Here already, I want fair compensation. If she couldn’t do that, it would be a different story.

Thank ng you for caring enough to send your comments, and to share your story. I’m so sad to know you are now estranged from your remaining family. I hope you hang in there, have some good friends, and make a good life without them. Again, thanks

What if Mom needs Medicaid?  How much money are we talking about here? Dynastically wealth, one thing, but maybe not the case.

Thanks for words from your heart, I truly appreciate your thoughts, tho, not all responders feel as you do.
your kids are fortunate. I think I have los of thinking and work to do