Mom asked me to move in to provide care 2 yrs. ago, new state. She’s 87, barely able to walk, hearing impaired, but pretty sharp. I love my mom, she’s quite a lovely person, tho she’s very materialistic and slightly narcissistic. I’m the opposite and tend to deny my needs for someone else’s benefit because I believe(d) in it. I’m the one kid who isn’t married, so I felt it was my duty to care for her.
In these two years, I have had little help from siblings (emotional support would help). I don’t know anyone here, so have no local support. I am now on Medicare but have no other medical supplements & worry about what will become of me after mom passes (not once has she mentioned my future, and that hurts me). It seems it’s all about her. That’s not the mom I knew.
I am feeling used, taken advantage of, and like I’m a servant, not a daughter. My usual optimism and loving kindness are fading, and I don’t like that. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m afraid of my future and can see nothing to look forward to unless I take some action. I asked mom last year to pay me something. She was upset, but finally said she’d give me $500/mo. I was shocked at how little she valued my services 24/7.
I’ve read posts stating that $15-$20/hr. is fair compared to agency rates. I also read one post stating a flat rate of $75/night is charged for the entire night.
What I’m thinking is that I should get the figures & facts ready for mom, then make a case. If she won’t hear it, I may have to find a job elsewhere. She can afford it, she just doesn’t wish to part with her money.
And, for once, I need to know I tried, so I don’t regret it.
I have a background in physical medicine & rehab, have cared for others most of my adult life and have considerable knowledge to help my mother, such as, interpreting medical reports/drugs, problem-solving.
I’m handy around the house, am a good cook, making her terrific meals she enjoys and raves about, I care for the house, laundry, etc. I don’t think a random agency aide could come close to the care I provide my mom.
I’m burning out with resentments and with the unconcern for ME, too! I keep trying to manage it, but I can’t any longer. Before I make a rash decision, I would be most grateful to hear your thoughts, especially, on what rate Upper Michigan caregivers are paid, and a little cheerleading on taking charge!
I am a newby to this site, but have benefitted so very much from all of your posts. Thank you.
so, thanks. Many agree that she is using me. Now I get it, and I believe so, too. Man, has she saved a lot of money in the last 2 yrs!
But will my siblings get it?
Don’t know. Only see them twice a yr. Wish I didn’t
care What they think, but I do. Guess I might say,
do your research. Or, maybe I might move out and charge for time spent here to help mom. I really want to move back to my home state, but do wish to help mom. How much is the question!
thanks!
You are right, it gets harder! But I feel I have to give it my all & do the right thing. Then if I must fly,I will! XO
What in the world does what your siblings think matter?
One day a frog was put in a pot of water on the stove. It didn't jump out because it was comfortable in the water. As time went on the water got warmer, but that did not bother him for he had experienced water warmed by the son. So, he continued to sit while the water got much warmer and yet he stayed, but suddenly the water was boiling and he couldn't get out for his feet were stuck to the bottom of the pot by the heat. He ended up being cooked for someone's meal of frogleggs.
She can pay you or she can pay someone else. Or she can go to a facility and pay them.
One way or the other, she needs to pay for what she needs.
That's all the "negotiating" that needs to be done.