We have two homes, one for summer and one for winter. I find it almost impossible to leave mom for more than 3 weeks at a time. She cries every time I leave, but she always cries at the drop of a hat. She says I’m her only friend. When I’m here in town with her I see her 1-2 times a week. I call her almost daily. My brother lives with her. At least she’s not alone. My husband wants to be gone all summer for 3 months. This seems too long of a time to be away from her. I’m afraid she will get depressed. Isn’t this the time I should be around more? Not be gone for the whole summer. I think my husband is being a little insensitive.
I was on beck and call my whole life for my narc mother . Ended up having to put her in a facility because she got dementia and would not allow me to help wash her or change incontinence briefs . She would not allow hired help to come . She sat in her own filth and would only eat cookies.
Putting her in a home was very difficult , she felt it was a betrayal .
My point being here is that I put my spouse on the back burner . I felt sorry for her and tried to make her happy more often than saying No to her ridiculous demands. The “lightbulb” went on before she died but by then she was frail so I still had empathy for her .
However , after my mother died , I was flooded with anger at my mother and myself for how she treated me and that I allowed it. Please live your life.
I don’t know your situation but is it possible your mother is playing the guilt card on you so that you will not leave? Be careful how you handle her expectations of how much time you will be spending with her. Backing down and not going will only set a precedent that you may be locked into indefinitely.
maybe she can go to adult day care so she has more of a social life than sitting home alone. Encourage her to consider doing something like that. You are not her cruise director and it is not your responsibility to sit there with her because she is lonely.
Love that!
Your brother lives with mom, I am going to assume that if mom needs help he is able to do so.
You indicate that you are POA.
If anything were to happen you can authorize treatment from a distance. Phone call can be made, zoom meetings can be done and I am sure in an extreme emergency you could get back home within 24 hours.
Mom, you indicate in your profile has anxiety. Has she been treated/medicated for the anxiety? this might well improve the quality of her life as well as yours and your husbands (although it sounds like mom's dependency on you bothers your husband more than it does you)
You need to get mom involved with more. YOU can not be mom's only source of entertainment. This is not fair to you, your kids or your husband.
And, not that you asked or posed this question...you say you have plans to move and you are going to move mom as well. PLEASE do not move her in with you. A small condo, an apartment or better yet Assisted Living. She can make friends, socialize and she will have help when she needs it.
Go on your trip.
Brother lives with Mom but Sister has POA.
O' Oh.
Brother has the resposibility for care but Sister holds the authority.
Sure hope you & your Brother get along!
It can be a stable situation.. or.. become a quicksand bog. Where the live-in helper Sibling has no power to make changes.
My sibling had POA & was not helping at all. I gave him plenty of notice before my surgery about my plans & let him know that he was responsible while I was gone. My mom had dementia.
He was so ticked off that he took my mom to a lawyer & had her disinherit me from her trust.
So, In other words go be with your husband and enjoy yourselves but make sure someone has POA.
Everyone but yourself. Go on vacation!
Then let’s talk about what love is: Honoring each person’s autonomy would be one thing. You and mom are enmeshed. That’s not autonomy. It’s not healthy.
What love isn’t: Refusing to honor a person’s autonomy. That’s your mom.
But just an idea... What if you let the husband go to home #2 on his own? Surely this is one of the advantages of owning two homes!
You can’t be responsible for her happiness. She can choose to be happy or not. Sounds like there is some codependency.
One more thing to add to what I said before.
Start with I in no way wish to compare DOGS to humans. In no way..................
BUT............
We Foster and we dog-sit for dogs. They are delivered here and put on an act you cannot imagine, all heartfelt I am thinking. Splay out on the floor with sad whale-eye looks at their owners, just bereft. Know what's coming. Abandonment.
Owner goes to leave and they try to crowd out the door with them.
But let that owner be gone 15 minutes and it is all happy happy happy. They know where the treats are, where the dog toy basket is and proceed to get out their favorites, have a fine old time for two weeks, and then greet the owners as tho they were abandoned and starving all that time. Really, you have to take pictures to prove to them that they were not solidly unhappy the whole time.
Speak with your bro about how mom is without you. It may be that she is fixated a bit on her girl and the habit of being with you a lot. But it may be she is A-OK when you are gone.
Go. Have a good time. Owe it to yourself and your family.
Just curious what does brother do for Mom? I bet she does not expect him to entertain her. I am 74 and I so hope I am not like ur Mom at 79 but then, my girls won't allow it. It would be "get a life Mom". Your Mom has chosen not to have friends and be involved somehow. Thats not your fault or problem or your brothers.
My Mom, we had a day out once a week. Grocery shopping and errands. Maybe breakfast, lunch or a treat. And I lived in the same town. She had her Church and widowed friends she did things with. I worked and had DH.
Mom will be OK. Brother is there for any emergencies. And he can handle those. Get yourself in the mindset, you are going to have fun and not worry about Mom. Tell her, don't call me I'll call you.
While your away, get the book "Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud" its Christian based. One thing my DD liked about it was...
When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you receive.
I too was/am a people pleaser. Was/am because I have come a long way but still have a touch. I have found that trying to please others got me nowhere. I never got back in kind. My friends have no problem telling me NO. They are a little taken back when I now say NO. I no longer get talked into something I don't want to do.
I read your profile. DO NOT MOVE MOM IN WITH YOU. It does not make things better. If she gets to a point she cannot do for herself, place her in a nice Assisted on her dime.
That is no reason for you to put your life on hold.
Your mom has the great care of her son. When she mourns your leaving her just allow her to do that. I just wrote another OP that she cannot be responsible for the happiness of another.
If there is some crisis you can return home. Meanwhile I suggest you don't put your life on hold. People have done that thinking that when this is all over they can "get a life". Sometimes they fall ill. Sometimes their spouse does. Life is to be lived now. You are all doing the best you can. It can't be perfect.
My one concern is if this will make things even more difficult for your brother.
Your mother does not live alone and your brother can see to her needs.
Let me tell you something and it comes from 25 years as a caregiver to the elderly and as a child of a needy, narcissistic mother.
The crying at the drop of a hat and every time you leave is the manipulative behavior of a senior brat who's used to getting their own way and being the center of attention. When they think there's a chance that they won't be the main focus of a person's life for a little while they turn on the tears, guilt-tripping, and usually (though not always) the gaslighting.
Ignore that nonsense and go on your vacation. Your mother will be fine.
She will be fine if you leave her for the three months. So go. Enjoy yourself. Don't let your life be hijacked by your mother's tears and tantrums. She will be fine. Believe me. She will be fine. She will cry a bit, but she will get over it.
If you want permission to go, I’m giving you permission to go for 3 months.
If you want permission to not go for 3 months, I’m giving you permission to not go for 3 months.
Would you be ok with your husband going for 3 months? My DH and I sometimes vacation separately.
Thing about it this way: how old are you and your husband? Isn’t this the time to spend enjoying life with the man you committed to?
What do you want to do when you take away fear obligation and guilt. What do you want?
"...mom lives close by but we will [be] moving and mom will be coming with us. Maybe living close to us or with us. Traveling hard to do because I’m moms only source of entertainment/socializing. Mom has no hobbies. But likes to go out to eat with me. I’m an older adult returning to school online with two grown adult children, both with anxiety, one with problems with substance abuse. Husbands wants to travel more as do I but my time is scattered between trying to love everyone."
She lives with your brother, so she's not lonely or neglected. Maybe she has cognitive issues? Do NOT move her in with you unless you want your marriage to collapse.
I'm an only child and my Mom has been living next door to us since 1997. She is too lazy/insecure to make friends outside her family. I've finally gotten to the point where I don't feel guilty if I don't include her in my social life because she's had her whole life to figure out how to make friends (and our neighbors are very friendly, nice community). I have to tell myself often, "I'm not her entertainment committee." Then I go on with my life. If she lived several states away, I wouldn't be witnessing it and it wouldn't be bothering me.
When your Mother attempts to manipulate you with her crying, change the topic. Keep changing the topic until she finally sees you won't be jerked around by her dysfunctional behavior. Put up boundaries to protect yourself and your marriage (which is the priority).
Maybe talk to your brother and have him take her to her doctor to get examined for cognitive decline and depression. There are meds that can help her for depression.
Also, be sure to ask your brother if he needs help so that he doesn't burn out and can have a life of his own.
As long as you and your brother continue to enable your mom, she will continue to be dependent on you both.
It's time to cut the apron strings or umbilical cord. Your time should be spent with your husband and children(if applicable)and then your mom.
It's time for her to put her big girl panties on and get a life. If she chooses not to get involved in outside activities that is on her not you. You are NOT responsible for your moms happiness, she is.
So go and enjoy the 3 months away. And tell your brother that he should take some time off as well, and that mom will be just fine with you both gone.
And if she doesn't feel comfortable with him being away she can hire caregivers(with her money)to come in a few times a week to assist her. But honestly with only A-fib and arthritis she should be more than fine on her own.
All of us over 60 have some type of arthritis and since the Covid shot more and more folks have A-fib as well, and continue on living and enjoying their lives.
Like already mentioned it does sound like some co-dependency going on here.
Time to change that before things get worse.
Have a great trip away for 3 months and enjoy your time with your husband.
Stop feeling guilty about leaving. Old people can be some of the most manipulative folks around. They are being fed, bathed, and having their needs taken care of on a regular.
Even when I take care of clients who are not related, I can feel the fear, obligation and guilt factors coming on and these are not even my relatives. Boundaries need to be established for my own mental and emotional well-being.
Please, if you can, find a way to help your brother. Help hire caregivers/companion/activities with your mom’s money.
President of a charity, serve on a HOA and Corporate board.
Your mother has chosen to be dependent and you and your brother have chosen to aid her in this train of thought.
My mother is 98, lives in AL, your mother can live a real long time, do you really want to give up your marriage and life for her?
IMO your mother is manipulating you, your brother is there, so she is fine.
Old people see to always want their way, they do not seem to realize that they are not the only people in the world who have needs and a life.
Personally, I feel that your husband is spot on, you are codependent with your mother, not a healthy relationship.
Well said about the husband being spot on about the co-dependency.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like your husband wants his wife back.
As Beatty asks, what treatments have been tried to ameliorate your mom's depression?
She already has one child living with her; does she really need two adult children at hand all the time? Does she have a terminal condition or does she have something progressive and quite debilitating like Parkinson's or dementia?
If you go, you can phone & video call, right?
If you stay, would it be on your own? Your husband would go without you?
What has your Mother done about her depression? What's worked for her before? More social connections? Joining a senior centre? Finding other ladies to have coffee with?