Mom is acting more spoiled, unthankful lately, a total departure from her usual pattern. How do I approach this?

It could just be that the Holidays have interrupted all her routines, her diet and her regular eating and sleeping habits. If you think it is more than that, get her to the MD and have her checked, and ask about anti-depressants.

Yeah pamstegman has given a good comprehensive advice. Take her to an MD in the first place and have her evaluated both medically and psychologically. My mom was also kind of acting abnormal and she was found suffering from dementia, struggled a lot with home care and finally we had to find her a nursing home Prestige Care in Arizona. Now I know taking her to a nursing home was really a good decision. But I don’t ask you to do the same, get her evaluated before making any big decisions. Keep posting on how she is doing.

Your profile says Mom has dementia. This may indeed be an indication that the disease is progressing. Or as Pam says, the disruptions of the holidays may be causing a temporary decline. Or she may be coming down with some of the dreadful bugs making the rounds this time of year.

If it persists or gets worse, mentioning it to the doctor who is treating her dementia makes sense to me.

How to approach it? Whatever is causing this is not a personality defect or a psychological problem. Dementia has physical causes in the brain. Keep firmly in mind that Mother can't help this change in her behavior. She isn't doing it to annoy your or manipulate you. It is something she can't control. Just reminding yourself of that should help you cope.

Don't take the behavior personally.

It may become appropriate/necessary to set some limits, for example to leave the room when her behavior is particularly irksome. But as her behavior declines yours may have to become more obviously loving and tolerant.

Dealing with a loved one who has dementia is a huge challenge. Hang in there!

I can't say it better- get her checked, don't take it personally, leave the room if you have to, be firm (but loving). Take care of yourself and your own feelings, too.

It is not uncommon for the elder to stop with the pleases and thank yous when they are aging and losing some of their mobility etc. They become move focused on their immediate needs which you are providing. I would not read too much into it.

Good luck.

Dementia can start with personality changes. Get her to see a doctor. It is hard to know what the underlying cause is. There may be different treatments depending on the cause. It is hard to get used to a personality change as you have known her to be a different person your whole life. It is going to take a lot of patience and understanding and, as others have indicated, do not take it personally. Take care.

This isn't your mom - it's the disease - so try to roll with it, as hard as that is to do. However, a visit to the doctor is in order. She could have developed a urinary tract infection or she simply may have developed anxiety over the increased commotion during the holidays. Whatever the reason, a checkup is likely in order.

Please keep us posted on how it's going.
Carol

Can they give your mother more or change her medication? My mother has lewy body dementia, and although the confusion seems to be getting worse (she doesn't know where she is, she ask the same question over and over) she hasn't gotten nasty yet. She will thank me,she tells me she loves me, and she is pleasant to be around. But I have wondered if and when her personality will change, and how I would deal with it. She is on dementia meds. Before that she was having audio hallucinations and out of her mind. She looks at me sometime like I am a curiosity, and I wonder if she knows who I am. But she won''t say. At this point, I am prepared for anything. I am a patient person, so maybe that will help.

My mother also had dementia, it's hard to see someone you love go thru the changes. It's different one day to the next. Just keep reminding yourself its not your mom its the diease. Trust me its easier said than done. Saying thank you and please to everything is no big deal we all forget from time to time. Its not like the world is going to come to an end if its not said. Be grateful you still have your mother with you, mine past away last April and I would give anything to have her with me even with the dementia. Be easy on your mom and cherish each moment you have with her. One day she will look at you and not remember who you are and that will break your heart. Love her for who she is not for who you want her to be.

I think acceptance of these changes helps rather than trying to correct them will be
beneficial to both. As a doctor once told me “Play the hand you’re dealt.” It works for me. Blessings.

When my mother also becomes spoiled like a child, I treat her with the loving patience you give a child. Sometimes I even play the airplane game to get her to eat her meat and vegetables when all she wants is the dessert.

I know it's not easy. Hang in there.

My mother, unlike many in this discussion, does not have dementia. But she has been thru a traumatic fall and hospital stay that has brought her mortality to the forefront. She is fearful of falling again, but still not ready to totally surrender her independence. Her gut reaction to help is to push it away, but a second thought helps her realize that if she declines help, she has to do the task on her own and risk her independence. Her biggest dilemma is surrendering to someone else's timeframe. She and I have come to a standoff lately in a few public places where her intention is to shame me into doing it her way.. and it doesn't work. She books appointments for ungodly early hours and asks for unnecessary things that intrude on my time. I know she's my mother.. but I'm her daughter. Compromise.... tough thing for an old woman to do. She wants to win because, as she says, "I'm old. I should get my way."Sorry..no. I hope I didn't stray form the conversation too much. I am so sympathetic to you true caregivers... and so in awe of your dedication.

It does help to learn more about dementia, and know what you're dealing with. The symptoms are varied and many are behavioral. It is difficult to experience a change in behavior that's out of the 'norm' for your loved one. It's easy to take it personally. When you used the expression "acting spoiled" it sounds like you're perceiving her behavior as something she can control. Once she gets checked out, to rule out urinary infection, to diagnose dementia, or what else it may be, then you'll know. If dementia is the case, then learning about it will help you adjust to what's going on, so you can respond without feeling put off by the 'demands' or other out-of-character behaviors.

Winter sun. My mom had Lewy body and parkinsons and her personality changed early on in her diagnosis then she came back to her sweet self. U mom also looked at me oddly. I would always make a point of standing directly in front of her, at her level, and introduce myself many times thru the day. This really helped for us and I could see my moms expression relax. With my mom, as the disease progressed she became less and less verbal but always said please, thank you and I love. As long as we always gave her our name, we would add "your daughter, granddaughter). I would sit and chat to make her comfortable. Even if just in kitchen making lunch we would go thru this routine each and every time. My moms comfort and well being was most important to me. Like others have said, spend time with your mom. What I would have done to have a conversation with my mom even if she was just asking the same question 20x.

Agree with all above. My Mom went through this phase. I would add that when she said something mean or inappropriate, I would say "that's not nice" then quickly change the subject. Redirecting is a good strategy for your own peace of mind.

There are many changes in behavior that you will see with your mother as this disease runs its course. I too was flabbergasted watching my mother turn into a selfish belligerent child at times, scream at me to leave her home and my daughter and I could live on the streets, or her get out of restraints so she could climb out of bed like a caged animal. It is heartbreaking, because these are the people you have loved all your life and they have loved you.

All you can do is continue to say to yourself over and over, "this is simply a progression of Mom's disease." You can forget this at times, especially when you are exhausted. This is not something your mother chose, she is very ill and is getting progressively worse, she can no longer control her behavior, or she would.

Love your Mom and forgive her each day because she would not do these things if she could control them. It is her disease.

My mother passed away from this in September of 2014, and I cared for her for 8 years. I have been in your shoes. God Bless you all.

To add a little humor, how did she act when you were
acting spoiled and ungreatful as a teen.

Sandra93. I try to remember just that when dealing with my own mother. How did she deal with me? Then... I try to act according to her own philosophy of so many years ago, If she bawks, I often say, "Well that's what you would've done." Makes her take pause.

My best suggestion to you would be to educate yourself on your mother's disease process and make sure you take time to prevent caregiver burn-out. The Alzheimer's Association is a great starting place for an abundant amount of education, many free to family members www.alz.org. My mother had vascular dementia at the age of 58, it was very difficult to handle even though I am a nurse and I work with these disease processes on a regular basis, it is very challenging to see our loved ones make such a change in behavior and personality. I know it has been said in previous comments but this is not your mother, this is the disease process. I wish you the best.

I guess also it would depend on if your mom has always acted this way. My mom has always taken bouts of acting spoiled and unthankful. If things don't go her way at all times, she is very ungrateful. If I tell her I am not coming to visit today and I will come tomorrow, she will ask, "why not today?" she never just says ok, that is fine. She gets mad if I don't come when she thinks I should. She gets mad if I don't get things exactly as she thinks I should. My mom is just plain spoiled. She only thinks about herself. The disease has made this worse. Good luck, I know from experience, this is a difficult journey.

As people age, their world seem to grow smaller.

How do you cope? Well you just do. Mum was critical and ungracious and grumbled about almost everything. Dr just said Robyn, she has always been in control, now she is having to let others control things, and she does not like it...well did I like getting bossed and complained about? Then the rates bill came and I said to her that she would have to sign a withdrawal form to get the money to pay them...I was then accused of trying to GET her money...so I paid them myself leaving myself short of money. Then the electricity bill came and again I asked her for the money to pay it, remembering that I had my own home to pay for and my own rates and electricity although every day I was there and in the end, full time. THEN she said that I was ALWAYS asking her for money, and told visitors just that.....aagghh. I am sorry that my last few years were difficult for both of us, I bet mum had no idea how difficult she was with me, an only child, no siblings to assist. I was exhausted by the time she died and took weeks to get my mental health back, if you ever do. You just do the best you can, and I know I did. I have no guilt on that score. Maybe in her saner moments she also realised that if it were not for me she would be worse off....I just, even now, hope so. Like somebody else said, I too would rather have her back now, even with all the fuss, than be without her. God Speed Mum. Robyn

Hello,I care for my mother who has Alzheimer's and have been for over 8 years. I have seen so many changes, I will tell you that some medicines may be creating some issues. I would suggest, if you do not already, seek out a gerintloogist. I now deal with a Paliative Care, which has helped me a lot. I find and so do their Dr's that some are put on too many Meds, the wrong ones ect..

Pleae be vigulent in her intake of fluids, as one person said she may have a UTI,dehydrated for any manner of things. I also suggest keeping a journal, so you can perhaps see what where and why she acting up. Yes, this is part of the progression, but we need to advicate on all levels.

Good Luck, Jazmine1

Going through the same thing here, always in the middle of the night. She wakes up agitated and ready to roll.

If it's been since Thanksgiving, I would bet it's all about being out of her routine; too much commotion over the holidays. My Mom with dementia, still lives alone, and no family near her. She is so 'needy', which I understand, but with all her talk of wanting to be with family and what are we going do to for the holiday etc, when my daughter and I go totally out of our way to travel to get her and bring her to our house or our daughter's house etc, she is increasingly unable to tolerate the visits. We don't do things 'her way'; we aren't following the traditions; why are we not having ham because we ALWAYS have ham; the TV is too loud; why do the men want to watch crazy silly movies on Christmas Day. She was upset to the point where she needed to have two breathing treatments a day, and frequently would go in the other room and just sit by herself and then whine because no one was paying attention to HER. When we got her back home, it took her two days of being back into her own routine, in her home, to start acting 'nice' again....but then she immediately starts whining that she's lonely and has no family around her. We are moving towards getting her to agree to a care giver in the home with her short term, and eventually, moving both her and Dad (who is now placed in Memory Care) to a facility in Phoenix where they would be in the same town as our daughter, now that she and family have moved back from a deployment in Canada. That way, I'll have eyes and ears, and they will both be safe in a facility. It's about an hour closer for me to travel to visit or check on them, and the visit will be much easier for me when I can be at daughter's home and just go visit parents, rather than be in mother's home and at her beck and call 24/7 while there. I am having a phone conference tomorrow AM with the eldercare attorney about how to start on all these plans....and which investments we should tap into next to pay for the caregiver. I hope it makes 2015 ultimately a lot better for me than 2014 was.

We seem to go through it off and on, I'm often tired just keeping up with the daily needs of another person. I hope 2015 is better for you.

This subject has really helped me a lot because I do loose patients with all the questions, I am use to being a free spirit which went bye bye when I moved in to help her.I recently sold her house and we are moving to a rental, it will make it easier on me without all the work here. I know she misses her hushand who died 5 years ago. She wont do much of anything except raid the refrigerator 29 times a night and watch tv with her mouth hangin open, She was so pretty and sharp at one time it's hard to see her going thru this...but she acts like she is from royalty and want me to do evrything for her. I have been moving the house to a new duplex with the help of friends and she won't do a thing to help. I guess I know now this will never happen. Thanks for all your support and comments.

This has always been the norm for my mom. Dementia or not :)

I have same situation with my mom and the weekly struggle with bathing and clothing choices is exhausting...she gets super aggitated and a mean look and nasty response always in sues ....I too felt upset with her, and discovered that my tone and approach triggered her responses...A soft and loving tone has almost gotten her to be less and less aggressive...All who recommend love and forgiveness to you know that is the only true and effective way to keep peace and harmony as much as possible when caring for a person with dementia/az
Give it a try let us know what happens...Good luck!

It is not uncommon for parents to begin to feel entitled after living with one of their children for a while. Unfortunately, unless your mother is in a senior living center, the problem you are experiencing will become worse. When she is in a senior living center your visits with her will become special and she will appreciate your efforts more.