I have cared for my Mom at home w/help for the last 3 years. She has severe osteoporosis, broken hip, broken neck, broken back vertebrae, had salivary cancer twice, gastric problems ( bezoars, 1/2 her stomach removed for bleeding ulcers), and last June suffered a heart attack and stroke. I cared for her until she had was hospitalized in January for internal bleeding. Upon discharge, she was very weak, 100% wheelchair bound and a two person assist for lifting, transfer, etc. I was going to bring her home w/ extra care, but her PCP, the care facility, etc. recommended PT/OT, etc. to try to get her to a one-person assist.
I have mom in a very caring, wonderful assisted living, skilled nursing facility with a private room. on-site medical care, etc. She receives therapy 5x a week - usually 2x a day. She loves the therapists and most of her caregivers - no complaints there. They take wonderful care of her and communicate with me multiple times a day. Problem ? Deep down, I know she would prefer to be home. However, when I talk to her about coming home ( she is still a 2 person assist -though some progress, it is unlikely that will change now..)she declines, says she is used to the therapists, the routine, and she needs a lot more care than before her hospitalization - way over my capabilities. Emotionally, I feel terrible - like I let her down -and she belongs home at this end stage of her life. However, medically she needs a lot of monitoring, personal care , and medication ...as well as the physical moving. lifting issues. I work full time ( no financial option), so would care for her evenings/weekends, and have help during the day. I want her to come homel she says "no" 0 at least until therapy ends...Please - advice?
You have been given a gift. You get to enjoy Mom in her later years without the stress of Caregiving.
Those are the issues that dictate where she needs to reside. Not your abilities.
Please be the best advocate for your mom and be happy for her peace of mind and spirit.
It would be an act of the opposite of love to bring her home
There are a lot of compromises involved in caring for our frail loved ones, there were many personalized little things I could provide for my mother in our home that were not available to her in a congregate setting, but there were also may things in the nursing home that were much superior to what I could have possibly provided at home - lifts, entertainment, a beautiful spa tub for baths and the availability of two people who could care for her physical needs better than one ever could. It can never be perfect and there will always be sorrow and second guessing, that's why they say aging (and dying) isn't for sissies.
Our own guilt gets to us, and we often have to take a giant step back and think about what is best for our LO.
Esp right now, you would not be able to get the aides you'd need.
Hugs 🤗
As one poster here stated "your mom is giving you a great gift, which many of us wish we had. You are caring for your mom and it sounds like she is in a great facility. Just be her daughter and keep loving her and there is no need to sacrifice your physical and emotional well being. She doesn't want that for you. You are being a loving and responsible daughter.
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