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My mother is 93, has COPD and on OX 24 hrs a day, legally blind, heart failure plus many other issues. She insists she is fine after breaking a hip. She wants to live alone in a 6 rm house with three floors. All she does is fight me. She is very passive aggressive and tells me she doesn’t need me. Her doctor has told her if she were to go home she would need constant care. All she hears is “if you go home.” She says they all overreact and she’ll be fine. She is driving me crazy. She is very stubborn and will listen to one one. My brother has been a great help but he now just leaves. She doesn’t approach him anymore about it. I am beside myself with worry. She is getting very forgetful and mean and combative. I’m sure it’s frustration. Why can’t she accept life as it is now?

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I had the same battle with my mom. I’ve quit arguing about it with her. She will go to her grave thinking she can and should be home. You will not convince your mother any differently either and at her age with all her ailments she is not going to accept life as it is now.

I suggest you pull back gradually. She’s in a good place with good staff. No need for you to hover and try to convince her life is good. It’s as good as it can get at this point.
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Lucy, I feel your pain as I am going through the exact same drama with my mother right now. She's 85, can barely walk, falls alot, has myriad health problems, most of which she denies. She continually harangues me about how she's going home at the end of the month. I have POA but she's still mentally competent so I can't keep her in assisted living against her will. What I am learning to do is not take her phone calls and not visit when she becomes verbally argumentative. (which is 90% of the time.) I also told her that I would have no part of helping her go back home. She knows that if she goes home that I'll have to help out in some way. I wish there was an answer to this dilemma but it seems sadly that the only thing we can learn to do is back away to keep our sanity.
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Can you steel yourself not to answer her calls? You may need to let her stew and find out the reality of her living situation.

I'm so sorry that you are facing this very painful situation.
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Lucy, are you sure the home your Mom is talking about is her 3 story house? Chances are your Mom could have some dementia, and if that was the case, the "home" she is referring would be her childhood home. Your Mom is back in time, it's hard to know what age she believes she is in, thus the reason she thinks she can take care of herself.

As for your Mom being mean and combative, have her tested for a possible urinary tract infection, as in the elderly those are the symptoms.
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I had the same issue with my mother. Finally I gave her a list of things that had to be done before she could be ok'd to go home. I told her I would not help or do any of it because I refuse to help her back to an unsafe situation. She also thought she didn't need me......until she realized she needed me to accomplish even one of the items on the list. She w a s so verbally abusive that I would not see her alone for 8 months. I either had my husband, a friend or a nurse with me.
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Poor Lucy,
I feel your pain. My mother had coping problems too. She attacked me when I visited for the first time after putting her in memory care.

With all the illnesses your mother has, how could SHE possibly orchestrate a move on her own? She can't see, she can't pack or lift anything, so HOW would she get out of there?

The answer to YOUR problem with her is to follow your brothers lead and "just leave". She can't approach you and fight with you if you're not there.

Stay strong and don't buy into her desires. Refuse to listen or talk about her moving. "Sorry Mom, I can't help you with that." Be a broken record. Say it over and over again if you have to. She'll get the idea. If she doesn't stop-leave.

Talk to her doctor privately and tell him about the situation. Ask him to tell her that she can't live in her home anymore.

Good luck.
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You need to have her doctor tell her going home is not an option. By law they can't sugarcoat her problems. There is no "if". She is were she needs to be, for now. As POA you can sell her house. Why have all that responsibility.
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Lucy, you hang tough. Lots of us been there....done that.....

It’s just the way it goes at this stage. I just keep reminding myself of the horrible conditions my parents were subjecting themselves in their home.

It’s funny......
They weren’t happy at home, filthy, no food, mom falling, dad not knowing if it was xmas or time for lunch, totally isolated, just on the very edge......

Now......Clean clothes, clean bedding, meds, three meals a day, laundry done, room cleaned, eating in a fancy dining room, activities, around people all day, bathing regularly......

But not happy....Wannabe home dammit!!  How could you do this to us?!
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Lucy, I feel your pain. My mom has a slew of health problems as well as dementia. Every conversation starts with her wanting me to take her home and I tell her I can't and won't she needs too much care and she isn't safe on her own. Her response is, "there is nothing wrong with me, the doctors don't know me." Then she gets angry at me and verbally abusive and tries to be manipulative. In the mean time she's asked me how her mom is doing; my grandmother has passed on before I was even born. She can't accept she is there and there are no other options. I just keep repeating myself but sometimes it is so hard, so hang in there and know you aren't alone.
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Thank you so much for helping me through this.
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