Mom insists she’s leaving assisted living. Why can’t she accept life as it is now?

Lucy, you hang tough. Lots of us been there....done that.....

It’s just the way it goes at this stage. I just keep reminding myself of the horrible conditions my parents were subjecting themselves in their home.

It’s funny......
They weren’t happy at home, filthy, no food, mom falling, dad not knowing if it was xmas or time for lunch, totally isolated, just on the very edge......

Now......Clean clothes, clean bedding, meds, three meals a day, laundry done, room cleaned, eating in a fancy dining room, activities, around people all day, bathing regularly......

But not happy....Wannabe home dammit!!  How could you do this to us?!

Thank you so much for helping me through this.

It was all looks.

Thank you to so many. Just knowing I’m not the only one helps. So many stories sound like mine. Yes, I do have POA. She is forgetting more and more. Thenurse in her assisted living tells me she is ready for full time skilled nursing care. That would kill her. She still thinks she’s fine and doesn’t even think she needs OX during the day. She said if the doctor hadn’t put her on it she wouldn’t have become so dependent. I remember her telling me not to wear my glasses except at my desk T school when I was young

Lucy, I feel your pain. My mom has a slew of health problems as well as dementia. Every conversation starts with her wanting me to take her home and I tell her I can't and won't she needs too much care and she isn't safe on her own. Her response is, "there is nothing wrong with me, the doctors don't know me." Then she gets angry at me and verbally abusive and tries to be manipulative. In the mean time she's asked me how her mom is doing; my grandmother has passed on before I was even born. She can't accept she is there and there are no other options. I just keep repeating myself but sometimes it is so hard, so hang in there and know you aren't alone.

You need to have her doctor tell her going home is not an option. By law they can't sugarcoat her problems. There is no "if". She is were she needs to be, for now. As POA you can sell her house. Why have all that responsibility.

Lucy, I feel your pain as I am going through the exact same drama with my mother right now. She's 85, can barely walk, falls alot, has myriad health problems, most of which she denies. She continually harangues me about how she's going home at the end of the month. I have POA but she's still mentally competent so I can't keep her in assisted living against her will. What I am learning to do is not take her phone calls and not visit when she becomes verbally argumentative. (which is 90% of the time.) I also told her that I would have no part of helping her go back home. She knows that if she goes home that I'll have to help out in some way. I wish there was an answer to this dilemma but it seems sadly that the only thing we can learn to do is back away to keep our sanity.

Poor Lucy,
I feel your pain. My mother had coping problems too. She attacked me when I visited for the first time after putting her in memory care.

With all the illnesses your mother has, how could SHE possibly orchestrate a move on her own? She can't see, she can't pack or lift anything, so HOW would she get out of there?

The answer to YOUR problem with her is to follow your brothers lead and "just leave". She can't approach you and fight with you if you're not there.

Stay strong and don't buy into her desires. Refuse to listen or talk about her moving. "Sorry Mom, I can't help you with that." Be a broken record. Say it over and over again if you have to. She'll get the idea. If she doesn't stop-leave.

Talk to her doctor privately and tell him about the situation. Ask him to tell her that she can't live in her home anymore.

Good luck.

I had the same issue with my mother. Finally I gave her a list of things that had to be done before she could be ok'd to go home. I told her I would not help or do any of it because I refuse to help her back to an unsafe situation. She also thought she didn't need me......until she realized she needed me to accomplish even one of the items on the list. She w a s so verbally abusive that I would not see her alone for 8 months. I either had my husband, a friend or a nurse with me.

What is the reality of her situation, i.e. could she legitimately sign herself out of Assisted Living and go back home or do you or your brother have POA and can keep her where she is? It sounds like you don't think she has dementia but has increasing forgetfulness?

I know how hard it is when a parent fights you. My mom was really very positive, but every time I tried to get her to do something different for her own good, she'd fight me. I can clearly remember one night just crying my eyes out on the way home from seeing her because I was SO exhausted from her fighting me. She knew I was trying to do what was right for her, but she'd STILL fight me. It's enough to drive you to drink!

If she can't really get herself out of Assisted Living, you have two options that I would see. One would be to handle her just like your brother does. When she starts in about going home talk, ask her to stop. If she persists, leave. Every time she starts up, do the same thing. Or you could set some kind of "condition" that she'll never be able to make, like when your COPD is better and you're off oxygen, we can talk about going home.

Hugs, it's not easy!

I had the same battle with my mom. I’ve quit arguing about it with her. She will go to her grave thinking she can and should be home. You will not convince your mother any differently either and at her age with all her ailments she is not going to accept life as it is now.

I suggest you pull back gradually. She’s in a good place with good staff. No need for you to hover and try to convince her life is good. It’s as good as it can get at this point.

Thank you for the infection idea. It’s something to look into. Yes, Mom knows what house she’s talking about. She’s been worried about the pipes with the cold we’ve had. She speaks of food in her freezer. She’s Aware than not. I know she’s in denial. She thinks she’s going to get better as the COPD is getting worse. I think even low OX may be causing some of her forgetfulness. She just wants to go home and that’s it. She won’t listen. The nurses and aids are wonderful and Mom never complains about the place or the help. She just wants to be home no matter what. I’ve been so upset trying to explain to her she would not be safe alone. She insists she will. She won’t live my family.

Lucy, are you sure the home your Mom is talking about is her 3 story house? Chances are your Mom could have some dementia, and if that was the case, the "home" she is referring would be her childhood home. Your Mom is back in time, it's hard to know what age she believes she is in, thus the reason she thinks she can take care of herself.

As for your Mom being mean and combative, have her tested for a possible urinary tract infection, as in the elderly those are the symptoms.

Can you steel yourself not to answer her calls? You may need to let her stew and find out the reality of her living situation.

I'm so sorry that you are facing this very painful situation.