My mom (88) has informed my dad (86) that after 4 pm he is not allowed water. Advice?

It's not as uncommon as we'd think that couples who both have AD don't do well living together. Your mother can't care for your dad properly (validation, compassion, etc.)

I think he'd do better in a good assisted living facility. She may, as well. They don't have to be together. Then maybe they'd enjoy meals together or other times to connect.

You're smart to be thinking of options, anyway. This doesn't sound like a good arrangement (water in the evening aside).
Take care,
Carol

My adult son lives at home - he has severe autism and functions at a 2 yr old level. It took to age 13 to get Rainman fully potty trained but then he had an accident (a real accident, not of the bathroom variety) and spent 6 weeks in the hospital, two surgeries etc and lost his bathrooming skills. It took till age 20 to get his bathrooming close to where they were - still, at almost 23 he's not 100% so still wears Depends. It's fair to say I've washed more than my fair share of peed on cloths and bedding. When Rainman wets at night he manages to soak every sheet, blanket, comforter and sometimes get the pillows - I have no idea how he manages it but he does - and thanks, but don't bother with suggestions because - yes, I've tried it! I've tried EVERYTHING! So I talked to his dr regarding Rainmans liquid intake. We determined an appropiate amount that is adjusted in warmer weather and how much time he spends outdoors in the heat. We eat dinner in between 5:00 - 6:30 when Rainman usually has his last liquids - about 12 - 24oz depending on what he "asks"
for - Rainman is completely non-verbal. Bed time for him is between 8:00 - 9:00pm. I know this is early but this is when he asks to go to bed. Anyhow - if Rainman asks for something to drink after dinner/ before bed - of course I give it to him. No one should be denied something to drink - ever! However, he rarely asks and this routine has significantly cut down on the bed wetting. Of note - I have been putting off a hysterectomy for over two years - for a prolapsed cervix. It's gotten to the point where my ability to fully empty my bladder is a problem (never thought I'd share this tidbit of personal info with hundreds of strangers - sorry for TMI!). Anyhow, my ob/gyn surgeon suggested I stop drinking anything at 1:00pm to help me sleep without having to get up and pee so often. Really! 1:00pm! Needless to say - I cut back and apply Rainmans rule regarding last liquids at dinner but not 1:00pm. BTW - in the spirit of TMI - I alway try to find a silver lining. I'm currently being treated for the worst UTI of my life. The bright side? I'm not acting like a hallucinating lunatic - so I'm taking that as an indicator that old age hasn't really started to kick my butt yet. Yeah!

So move him to Assisted Living if you can. It sure would make life better for mom. Then you can put the video away before she whacks you for taking pictures.

Arianne - seriously???? No water for dogs or people after 7pm? Okay for dogs (if they're not old or sick because you don't want them to go out at night....but humans too? I've never even thought of restricting my mom's access to water after 7 pm. I need water after 7pm, 9pm and sometimes during the night. My mom died of Alz. but she still needed water. If they have accidents, put on diapers, please don't restrict water unless there is a medical reason.....and right now I can't think of one! Lindaz

Is your father physically able to get himself a glass of water if he wants one? Her behaviour is unpleasant anyway; but if he depends on her and can't help himself then this is straight-up abusive, no question.

In any case, both of your parents need support, whether to remain living in their own home or in a new environment. Find out what services and resources are on offer in your area and take it from there, because this is not going to improve on its own.

One reason a woman over 80 might be taking care of her husband is the same reason I took care of my husband for three years until he died at 76, when I was 82; because I loved him, there was no one else to do it, and I couldn't afford professional help. I got relief only when his primary care doctor connected us to hospice services, and later, when his hospice social worker got him admitted to hospice services in a nursing home.

Suggest to your Mom that you think the stress of caring for your stepfather could be overwhelming and that she might need some support. I would strongly suggest using adult pads or a diapers to help with issues. If you participate in Doctors appointments you could let the Doctor know and they can address it in an appointment. Another option is to bring in a Geriatric Care Manager.

I have been an RN for nearly 50 years. There are many good ways to manage incontinence. Condom catheter, adult diapers, bed liners. She may just need support with that. If he is will hydrated the other 12 hours a day, withholding water for 6 or 8 hours at night probably won't hurt. As a daughter of a 98 year old mother, it was a 5 year struggle to get her to decide to move to independent living and then transition to assisted living. Dad refused either when he was still alive and being the caregiver nearly did mom in. Her mind is good. Her doctor helped,, he suggested a one week stay to "rest" in a skilled facility after she had a fall. She could see she would actually feel better with someone to cook, shop and clean for her. She was lonely at home also. My brother lives nearby and she was asking him to do a lot for her also. He and my sister-in-law found an independent living setting Mom could afford. AARP has a video online which helped us siblings divide up helping Mom the best way we could and keep her empowered.

I just read where someone drinks a gallon of water at 10 p.m. This is absolutely very dangerous. Drinking that much water at one time can throw one's electrolytes out of balance and cause water intoxication leading to death. I hope that person was kidding!

Hmmmm...... I don't want to sound harsh, but why is your mother caring for your father if she needs a caregiver herself? People who need caregivers usually can't take care of themselves independently so why is she caring for another vulnerable adult? If her rages are that frequent/intense it may be a matter of time before she strikes him. Just a thought. Call your Area Agency on Aging and ask for a care manager or case manager to come out and assess the situation. If you don't intervene, those videos could be used against you. Good Luck, I know about controlling mothers.....((((hugs)))))