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My mother-in-law just moved in with us nearly two months ago, and cannot care for herself. My husband is blind and has a seizure disorder. I have chronic pain throughout my body and lower back. Since moving in, she has put me in complete charge of her finances, her shopping, hiring help for cleaning/caregiving, and waiting on her hand and foot. She wants to go out and "play" all the time! Neither her son or I can keep up with her or her shenanigans. What do we do?? She really wants to go go go...and all I feel like doing is sleep and cry. I just don't have anything more to give.

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NJCinderella - that approach works great with loved ones with good cognitive abilities.

When my mother could no longer participate in those kinds of discussions, I knew it was time for a change in our care arrangements and our relationship. She simply remained demanding, despite the choices offered and facts told. It looked like stubbornness and resistance, but ultimately brain changes were the root cause.

She had been an Olympic Gold Medalist in stubborn before, but could eventually accept choices. That ability went away. It worked better to do more telling about what was going to be and not offer choices. I look back now and realize I set myself up for a ton of frustration by not understanding what was going on and not being prepared to handle it.
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bottom line: people are only high maintenance if you allow them to be. I can go around demanding all I want til the cows come home and guess what, I won't get it lol

Prioritize what is reasonable for yourself and offer this OR that but not this AND that. Soon she will get the message. Don't be mean about it, just factual. Say you can't do it all today so pick. or you pick.
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AnchorMom2, it sounds like while the present arrangement is working that at some point, you and your husband are going to have to become a team in addressing how big an imposition his mother is being on you two. This is not fair to you or to ya'll as a couple. What's the plan or is there one for when her care needs can no longer be met by hoping between houses? Good luck! I'd nip that one in the bud before it happens if possible.
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My mom moved from a gorgeous condo in Maui to AL here in CA. It took a few months of adjusting, but now she thanks me every day. She moved because my sister couldn't take care of her any more. She was completly burned out! When my mom does get down, I tell her that AL is not the last stop, a nursing home is. Visit some AL's and give her a couple rooms to choose from if the AL has more than one to choose from. You don't have a choice. She has to move out of your house!
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Your MIL is an emotional child in an older adult body who has never and never had to grow up. Now's the time to for she's killing you.

"All of her sons (3 remaining of 4) have a grandiosity about them and feel entitled to have their way." The apples do not fall short of the tree do they? I really doubt you will find them helpful.

You and your husband need to see a marriage therapist and get his mother out of there! If not, you two could end up having to go somewhere for your own care and MIL would be left with the house.
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mrecrause (((((hugs))))) sounds like this arrangement is too much, and no wonder as you are looking after 2 people. Some people manage to put on a good front, but on closer contact their true self shows. Time to talk to your husband and tell him that you cannot do this - it is too much and things are going to change.. Also go to your mil and give her back the jobs she gave you. If she needs help with them you could, if you want to, and only if you want to, help her find people to do these things for her. Why in earth did you accept being her shopper, financial manager etc.? You are not obliged to. You do not, I repeat - DO NOT - have to wait on her hand and foot. She won't like it and may have a tantrum or two but don't let that stop you. BTW I hope she is paying you for roomand board and also for your services. Give her a bill of what she owes you so far based on room and board in your area and also the time you have spent at a reasonable hourly wage.

My mother is narcissistic - sounds like your mil is too, and would have had me wait on her hand and foot too. I refused. She now is in an ALF and they deal with her. Over the years there have been many demands and crises, mother has had lots of energy, and my health are suffered so I have had to draw boundaries around what I will and will not do. Over 1/3 of caregivers die before the person/people they look after. You need to look after yourself.

Your mil is competent apparently, she does not have dementia, so give her a deadline at which time she will move out. Being so active, a senior's complex should suit her. If necessary you and your husband should see a therapist first so he understands that this is to much for you. Your doctor may be able to be supportive in that direction too and also prescribe antidepressants for you.

Make a plan for the changes you need and let us know how you are doing.
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Hi mrscrause
What about her other sons? Why is the burden of her care only on you in the first ... especially since you already are dealing with your husbands health issues? I have a situation here with my MIL spending every other month here and the other month with her other son. I hate it ... but its certainly better than the alternative of having her here full time. I'm already setting up guards for when she can no longer (or tries to say) she can no longer do this by making it very clear to her that this is a huge imposition that she's pulled on us and if there's any permanency it most definitely won't be here ... so she better make sure her other son stays healthy and ready to deal with what ever comes along. If your husband and your MIL won't listen to reason about her going into AL can't you at least get any of her other sons to share the burden? I mean with possibly two other homes to visit that would mean you would only have to have her four months out of the year ... Definitely better than the full twelve!
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I use H&R Block online with review by a CPA. My fantasy is the someone would come take the whole file box of folders and papers and just make it go away - a conservator. This is the last millstone. It is just such a hassle every year. At some point there will be zero assets to file on and all her income will go to the memory care home. *sigh*
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sandwich maybe a private CPA would prepare and e-file your mother's taxes for you? I found that you really have to shop around to find one who does not charge and arm and a leg. Good luck!
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There is so much to think about when taking on the care of an aged person. I didn't have any idea of who my MIL was before we took her in! Now I know more than I EVER wanted to know about someone. It's very overwhelming to me. Husband is no help and no comfort.
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One saving grace for me was on-line grocery shopping [we have Peapod here in my area] with curb side pickup at the store or home delivery.
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Ginach - Lord don't I know it. What would I give to have somebody do my mother's taxes in two states for me. Wasn't everything supposed to be paperless by now?
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Visiting him on Tues, Thurs. and Sat. is my preferred schedule for dealing with my dad and is the least stressful for our whole family. I was just trying to point out that even when your parent is in assisted living the financial paperwork and shopping are still chores that you will have to deal with. My dad still likes to look at all his mail, bank statements, bills, etc. then he has me write out the checks. He is unable to do that part of it. I do all my shopping for my father when I do the shopping for my own family. He gets all his meals at AL, but still needs paper products, soap, snacks etc. I buy most of that stuff in bulk at Costco and just bring a few items at a time over to my dad's place which is only a half mile from my house.
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Ginach - what would YOUR preferred schedule with your dad look like?

Some sanity savers I use to this day:
Go to the USPS.gov site and pay the $1 to have his mail forwarded to your house. It does NOT have to go to him at the AL facility. You don't have to prove POA or produce paperwork. It's just a form you fill out. The bills will come to him c/o your address.

Setup online bill paying and bank account access. This is a huge timesaver.

I would go shopping for mom every Saturday to start with. Then the trips started to become a living nightmare, so I stopped taking her and did the shopping for her and the laundry pickup. She expected next day laundry service, and she had to learn to get that, she was going to have to pay the IL/AL place. The free laundry from our house got done on our schedule. She never went without clean drawers, towels, clothes, or sheets, so all her complaining was just empty noise.

You can also use a grocery delivery service. We have Coborn's Delivers dot come in these parts.

My mom's place included 20 meals a month, so I knew that mom was NOT going to starve to death if she didn't have her grocery list satisfied by 5 pm every Saturday. This had simply turned into a control point. She was asking me to bring her things she already had and was not using up. Eventually it came to light that she was not eating in the dining room or using her groceries. This realization preceeded her move into the care unit by just a few days because of a whole different episode.

When you remove the visit obligations, you get to visit on your terms and can feel less stress and restriction in your life.
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My dad lives in assisted living and I agree with what is said above particularly about the great array of activities but I am still in charge of his finances and do all his shopping since he is afraid he will fall on the weekly bus trips to the store. I have to visit him Tues., Thurs. and Sat. afternoons to keep up with his mail, bill paying, etc.
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MrsCrause - I have 44 years of escape fantasy built up! :-)
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Love the cruise idea! In fact, just about every caregiver should get together as a group someplace where we are pampered as a group and no one can caregive anyone else there. Like that would ever happen either tho. Nice to dream...we all must have some kind of escape fantasy.
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My mom's facility is similar to Sandwich42's parents' place. My mom is in independent living (14 years). When my dad got really bad, he moved over to the skilled nursing section for the last three months of his life. It was great to have them both in the same facility, so I didn't have to run to a separate nursing home to see my dad.

While they're not perfect, my mom tells me almost every day how happy she is to be there. I got my folks a place at the front of the building, where my mom can see the ambulances come and go and the military reservists across the street (my dad was career Air Force). I didn't know enough to pick that apt. because of that, but my mom always says she's glad she's on the front where the "action" is and not facing the back, where nothing happens. :)
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Book yourself a long cruise.
Write everyone in the family a letter explaining that you are going away to recuperate.
Hire a home-health aid for your husband.
And wish them all the best as you board the plane.
I know, very unrealistic, but it would surely make the point!

Good luck. Remember, hardly anybody has parent who WANT to move into assisted living, the nursing home, etc. They are basing their information on what was true in the 60s & 70s where these places were h3ll holes for the demented, insane, and other mental illnesses that didn't deserve institutionalization.

Today's care facilities look nothing like the county home did in 1975 or even 85.
They look like hotels.
They are purpose built, unlike your home.
You can't ruin the couch by peeing on it. Or the floor.
They have fresh staff every 8 hours who are there on purpose.
One staff person isn't trying to do it all for each resident.
The have kitchen staff, cleaners, activity directors, therapists, nurses, attendants & aids, bus drivers, doctors who do house-calls at the facility.

The place my mom started off at had on site beautician, post office, book mobile, gift shop, visiting pets, PT, dentist, and a skilled nurse on duty 24/7. Somebody came in and setup mom's pills for her. I did her laundry, but they could take that too.

At a facility your mother could have a non-stop stream of people doing nothing but paying attention to her day and night. If she's bored, it's her own fault. My mom's place had constant activities all day, every day. Movies, book clubs, outings to theater, restaurants, movies. There was on site church in 5 flavors.
Cocktail hours, theme nights in the restaurant. And what I called the "old biddies club" who went everywhere together.

It was as close to a cruise ship that goes nowhere as possible. It had a safety pull cord in the bathroom, and I'm OK check every morning. Tena undergarments were delivered to mom's apartment in brown wrapping and billed on the monthly invoice.

When she needed more services than are available in AL, she moved down a unit to the care center on the same campus. Now she's in memory care. Same campus, different wing. I can't rave enough about the continuum care campuses.
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Thank you...I'll update at a later date.
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Sorry to hear that your husband is blind and has a seizure disorder, but his mom needs to go! It is tearing you down and probably tearing you and your husband apart in not being able to be team in dealing with this. I gather that this your husband's unilateral decision to move her in? That was not a wise decision. Take care. I hope this all gets worked out. Come back and let us know how it all worked out.
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Stand your ground with your husband - it's your house too. MIL needs to go! Get her a tour of some nice facilities nearby and let her see what she's missing. Attend some events and eat in the dining room and let her see that they're not places to go to die. Good luck and let us know how you're doing. Make the change before she gets used to living in your home!
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She is 83, has never driven a car, has been given nearly everything she's wanted by her late husband, believes AL facilities are where you go to die, and never ever thinks about being generous unless it benefits her in some way. All of her sons (3 remaining of 4) have a grandiosity about them and feel entitled to have their way. I have only met this woman twice before she moved in with us, and totally regret it. Yes, my health is worse for it and if my husband and I do not agree on some sort of solution to this, I will. Thanks for your support and your wonderful responses. I will once again revisit the AL topic with my husband... Keeping my fingers crossed.
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mrscrause, curious why your mother-in-law cannot take care of herself, yet has the energy to want to go out and play. How old is she, what are her medical issues, if any.

Did father-in-law spoil her during their marriage? Sounds like maybe he took charge of their finances, their shopping, hiring help for cleaning/caregiving, and plus waiting on her hand and foot.
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How old is this woman? Driving? Dementia? She needs to go away but how.? Can you reason with her? How does hubby feel about it? Can he help get her out? Whose idea was this?
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Let her doctor know what is going on and that you can no longer care for her. If you haven't started the search for a AL facility, please make that call tomorrow. Her doctor may well tell her that it is time for more care than she can receive at home. The doctor's words carry more weight than ours! If she has other family, you might get them involved in the decision. You need to take care of yourself and your husband. Good luck!
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GO? I hope she is not driving. You are too generous taking her in. Personally I think she would do better at Assisted Living. They are busy all the time, with other residents, bus trips, activities. At the present rate you are going, she will outlive you. 30% of caregivers die from sheer exhaustion. Save your own life first, then your husband's. Your MIL needs to move elsewhere.
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