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My Mom lives on the West Coast and I am on the East Coast - My Dad died two years ago when my husband was deployed to Iraq. He then came home and retired after 40 years. Because my husband was gone for so long, our marriage can't take another separation with me being in California. My brother took care of my Dad and now just recently put Mom in a beautiful assisted living center, but she is fighting it tooth and nail. She has been diagnosed with dementia but is able to take care of herself, however it just became too much and my brother felt it would be better if she was around other people. The guilt I feel is unreal, and because she doesn't keep her cell phone on, I cannot connect with her. I send her a goody package a week and let her know how much I love her but I still feel horrible.

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OMG, so true!!
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Don't send too many pkgs! It overwhelms them and then they say "you never sent me that flashlight" until I arrived and found it in her drawer.
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My aunt lived on her own until she was well into her 90's. They put cell phones all over her house in case of emergency, but she was very sharp and in her right mind right up to the end. All she had to do was press one button set to '911', I think.
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Lassie, you are so correct. My brother told me she has no idea how to use a cell phone and always keeps it off. He said a landline would be difficult as well. This is her reality, but sad. What I would give to hear her voice and tell her I love her.
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My mom went into the nursing home but was so far gone she couldn't even figure out how to talk on a landline phone, much less a cell phone. People kept asking me if she had a phone in her room but sadly, I told them she probably wouldn't even remember who she was talking with and would just set the phone down and do something else.
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Ahem...they all fight it tooth and nail!
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Write to her via snail mail.
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I received a birthday card that when you open it a man w moving arm & club hammering away on a stone. My husband w alz loves to open that card &swatch. We drove 1500 miles & he would see the card on his door & open it fascinated by it. That has been car intertainment since March. He never remembers it so new to him each time. Also just a postcard maybe w picture on one side. I actually pasted a picture on postcard & wrote on front left. Good ideas from many people I may use one day when spouse is in memory care. By the way some adult care homes take Dementia persons w like 6 people so more of home setting & little less expensive if person feels overwhelmed w so many people & large place. You sound like a great wife so keep that first & love mom from afar.
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This is a perfect response. You are absolutely correct, she probably would not remember them. My brother has tried over and over to teach her how to use the cell phone, but she just keeps it off. I agree that having something she can read again and again is what she needs right now. I am sending her lots of 'treats' with cards telling her how much I love her. I'm sure she loves them because she has them at her fingertips to read whenever she chooses.

Thank you..
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Chances are that if your Mom has dementia she won't remember your phone calls anyway, or at least not for very long. I would strongly encourage your sending her letters, cards and carepackages. My Mom has dementia and is in a care facility and she occasionally gets letters from old friends. I read those letters to her over and over again and each time they bring her such great joy. It's amazing what they sometimes do remember. Send a note to the director of the facility letting them know that you will be keeping in touch with your Mom this way and request that the letters etc be read to her if needed. I'm sure an aide would be happy to do it. After all, most want their residents to be happy and most appreciate positive family involvement. You might be surprised and even receive a note back from her. Best Wishes.
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Hbednarek: Don't think you're alone because, most, if not all, elders fight it tooth and nail! And who can blame them really? But it is unrealistic to think things can remain the same. They cannot.
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I had to put my cousin in an assisted living home and found Straight Talk has a "home phone" setup that works great because she doesn't have to learn how to use a cell phone and it's only $15.00 a month, nation wide service with none of the add ons. You need to buy the base and a regular house/landline phone. Plug them in and buy a card. My cousin loves it! She doesn't have to figure it out and it sits by her bedside. A great thing about it is, when we had to move her room, all we had to do is unplug the base from the wall and move it. We didn't have to call any phone company and get it changed.
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Thank you everyone. I have asked my brother about a land line phone and he is looking into it. The memory box sounds like a great idea. My brother (who is divorced with no children), actually has a moment to breathe now and is working on Mom's house so that we can rent it to help pay for her care. My parents never made any plans, so this has been a wake up call for my husband and myself. Again, thank you all.
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Some ideas to consider: There was a recent thread on sending notes to family members in AL , check it out for ideas. Can your brother b ring his cell and call you when he is visiting and give mom the phone? It will give him time to do the many tasks (still left for family ) while you have a short conversation with Mom. Can he bring a lap top and so a skype call for you and Mom? In my Mom's memory care you could call the front desk and they would track down your family member and have an aide set them up with the phone for a visit. At some point can you and your husband vacation on the west coast so you can see Mom in person? Finally, give your brother lots of credit and support. If you are financially able, send HIM occasional restaurant gift certificates for him and his wife. Ask how you can help. Things you can do from afar: Order supplies to be delivered to the AL --- incontinence products, shampoos, hand creams, dental care items, health adn beauty aids, appropriate clothing replacement items. Any tasks you can assume will make it easier for your brother. (I was my Mom's POA and health care proxy). I had 2 out of state sibs and one in state that would only do a visit on her schedule. I found myself visiting every day, buying the supplies mentioned above, doing mending on clothes --- buttons hems etc, replacing clothing, paying bills etc. Sometimes I was running in circles. At least offer, your brother will love you for it!
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As i said, they were all for profit organizations. The rates for each of their accomodations were no more and no less than other places offering the same services. The nh mom is in now accepts Medicaid patients.
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Babalou

Yes that is what I meant. I know Genesis is definitely For Profit
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When my mom was in AL, one of the resident had a phone (on a landline) that had a photo next to each button. She had vision issues and this allowed her to call family by selecting their photo.

If your mom would be interested in/able to watering plants, my mom loved the basket of bulbs (tulips, hyacinths, whatever was in season) that she just kept watered and watched them grow.
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3rd was a Watermark community.
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You mean the places my mom was in? No, they are all owned by big corporate providers. They were Genesis, Brookdale can't recall 3rd one.
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Were these not for profit, by any chance?
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My mother's IL, AL and NH all had ( have) a landline. It was paart of the " package".
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GardenArtist

Some NH/ALs where the family has not paid to have a landline installed in their room, if there loved one wants to call their family, etc, the facility would provide one, there is either no privacy or it is limited. Landlines in many of these places are the responsibility of the resident or family, so you're right there.
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The Assisted Living where my Dad lives there is already a telephone jack in everyone's apartment, all one needs to do is connect a land phone. I think Assisted Living would prefer their residents not to have cellphones, otherwise the Aides would spend all day trying to locate missing phones :P

If someone is calling in to speak to a resident, they can also call the main number and be connected to that room, sorta like a hotel. Otherwise my Dad had his own number. To dial out he needs to "dial 9 first".

If one needs a landline, Target sell them. I suggest something simple. Just about every room in my house has a landline so there is no running about looking for the ringing cellphone [I don't like wearing my cellphone].

Plus if an elder is still living at home, if they dial 911 the dispatch will see the elder's home address immediately on the screen all the elder has to do is verify that is their address, if they can talk. If the elder had a stroke and can't talk, the dispatcher will send EMT out to check on the person.
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Zytrhr, I'm not sure I understand how privacy could be achieved if a landline phone is at a nurses/reception area or other central room. Perhaps I misunderstood your post?

I would think land lines would in fact be the responsibility of either the resident or family, and that the OP would be willing to foot the cost to keep in touch with her mother.

I get the feeling we're on two different wave lengths - what am I missing here?
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GardenArtist

Many AL/NH, landlines in the are the responsibility of loved ones. They pick up the cost for it being installed and the bill as well. The OP's mom has access to a landline, but it is probably at the nurses station/reception desk or some central room (for privacy).
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This is not a rebuke, so please don't take it that way. But even when an older person is in a facility, the land lines are still the best way to communicate. They don't need to be recharged, don't have to be activated by pushing buttons (just pick up the phone) and unless there are problems with the lines, are always available. I would think she has a land line phone in her room, so contacting her that way is the better option.

One of the reasons some of us caregivers don't rely on cell phones as primary communication for our parents is that a few seconds can be critical if an injury occurs and immediate help is needed. Picking up an "always on" land line phone is quicker than opening a cell phone, pushing the on button, waiting for it to activate, etc.

Seguing off CWillie's suggestion, cards and letters are in some ways just as good as phone calls. Your mother can keep them, post them on a card board (there are specially designed boards for this), and reread them.

I think I've written this somewhere on another post but don't recall which one. When a family member was ill, I collected about a few dozen cards from my stash, used rubber stamps and added funny comments, then wrote on the outside what the cards were for - i.e., to be opened when feeling blue, or tired, or feeling great, or thinking about a season change, thinking about family, etc.

You can add photos; I'm thinking your mother might find it interesting to see photos of the places you've lived and seen during your husband's military career.

You can also ask your brother if the facility has Skype capability. If so, you could use that as a communication method as well, but perhaps it would be better if your brother or a staff member would be there so your mother doesn't have to figure out to Skype.

Does your mother have a CD player (not an iPod - those can be too complicated for someone with dementia to use)? If so, get some CDs of her favorite music and include them in the goody packages.

Send flowers on special occasions as well.

Notwithstanding the difficulties of multiple separations and deployments over the years, do you think you could visit occasionally, perhaps for the holidays - or both of you could visit so you're not separated from your husband?

I do think the goody packages are wonderful ideas.

Oh, and please thank him for his service and sacrifices.
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Hbednarek, I understand the guilt. Your brother did the right thing as with dementia it is only going to get worse, and it is so much better for your Mom to be around Staff who have seen all levels of dementia and know exactly what to do. Last year my Dad use to do things for himself, but now he needs help with so many little things.

My case was different as my Dad was the driving force behind moving from his home and going into someplace where he wouldn't need to worry about keeping up maintenance on his house, and having to pay for around the clock caregivers. For my Dad, it was $$$ he was saving by doing this. Dad is now in Memory Care and he likes his studio apartment.

But it is hard, here my parents had been fugal their whole lives, [Mom has passed] and now Dad is in this little apartment. The Staff helped me understand that when someone has dementia, that person prefers a smaller apartment where they can see all their things by sitting in one chair. It gives them a sense of security. For my Dad, when we recently moved him from Independent Living to Memory Care, I told him it would be like he was back in college and moving into a dorm room.

Personally, I don't think cellphones are a good choice for someone who has dementia. Heck, even I am all thumbs using one. My Dad has a landline and he has no trouble using it.... this is one thing that is ingrained in their memory because they have used landlines for way over a half a century.
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She doesn't have a land line you could call at a scheduled time?
I guess you will just have to rely on old fashioned snail mail and send cards and letters, this may actually be better as she can save and reread them and show them off to friends and staff, and it saves you from hearing rants about things you have no control over.
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Guilt is for when you've done something wrong. You've done nothing to feel guilty about.
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