Mom: "I need you to call the utility companies and help pay the power bills so they don't turn them off." ME: I can't do that . . .
... unless you assign me power of attorney.
Mom: "No, I will not assign you Power of Attorney"
Me: "Then I cannot possibly help you preform your financial obligations"
Mom: "Well, Im not going to give you Power of Attorney"
Me: "then you are just going to have to find a way to help yourself"
Mom: "Well, all right then, nevermind."
Phone line goes dead.
She called me this morning (currently in LTC after hospital stay) and left a message that she needed me to help her get her bills paid. I called her back prepared to tell her that she needs to assign me POA for me to help her do anything.
It'll will be interesting to see how this week transpires - whether the case managers discharge her or ?
What a mess. She's a real piece of work! This is a woman who thinks I'm going to rob her bank accounts and put her in a nursing home. I have no interest in breaking any laws. I've got my own bank accounts , and estate in order - really don't need her $$. I'm ready to see the state take her to the bank.
Just wanted to get that off my chest.
Anyone else only child with irrational narcissistic delusional stubborn elderly mother who lives by herself and has demonstrated that she is losing her ability to take care of herself but is insistant that she can live in a huge house and still drive with no problems at all, but yet in the last two years she has:
Filed incorrect income taxes , and get audited, side swiped a fire truck, manages to allow a pipe burst in her house and flood her 1st floor (WHILE SHE WAS HOME), constantly gets sick with the flu, self- medicates enough to develop a serious peptic ulcer, somewhat incontinent (at times), has AFib, high blood pressure, falls on occasion - more and more as time goes on . .and shuts herself in the house to the point she creates her own bio-hazzard sphere - which is why she always gets sick. She's lost all her friends (because of her attitude and her delusional stories, and they finally saw the way she treated me)
ARRRRGH! (ok . take a deep breath)
What a pity eh?
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Suggest to them that they might want to contact APS so that either the state or the facility can take guardianship.
UGH. Old age isn't for sissies. And neither is the burden caused to the children (especially us 'only children') that have to deal with ALL of the crises that keep happening. I am lucky b/c I had no other choice but to place both of my folks in Assisted Living back in 2014 after dad broke a hip & rehab would not release him back to independent living with my gem of a mother. He passed away 5 years ago & mother is now in the Memory Care section of the ALF and on the 7th of her 9 lives, at 93, after 41 falls, countless hospitalizations, ER visits, a rehab stay, CHF, AFIB, severe neuropathy in her legs, and about 100 other issues including a hideous attitude. But hey, at least I get to go home after a visit with her and I get to hang up the phone after a snarky call and get back to my own life, right?
Wishing you the best of luck with the 'pity' these women have created for ALL of us.
BB - I value your input and support. Thanks for the note on APS also.
As far as explaining to her:
We (me and the agency that I hired for her last year when she returned home from rehab) . . explained to her several times that if she didn't get her affairs in order legally that the state would come in a take over - and use up all her money. She accused all of us of 'ganging up' on her.
After years of caregiving through the slow and agonizing descent of dementia for 2 people, I told my brother (when his care was dumped in my lap due to a death in the family) that POA is his choice - and I am fine with whatever choice he makes, but I will NOT take on what is a huge responsibility with none of the authority. It is hard enough to deal with cognitive and physical decline when you have all of the paperwork in place.
If I am going to be expected to fulfill wishes or act in best interests, I need to be able to do that. Also, if you don’t trust me enough to be that person for you, then you shouldn’t trust me enough for all of the other stuff. They don’t get to have it both ways.
Just my take, but I know that many other experienced caregivers on this site would likely echo that thought.
I am sorry. The paranoia can be very hurtful. Try now to read up on dementia... even if she is not diagnosed at this point, you are dealing with MANY of the symptoms... educating yourself on it will help you to build a protective skin. She won’t be able to hurt you so much and that will help you keep a clearer head while you help her. It will also help to keep your life intact while you navigate this hard time. Good luck to you.
I am technically an 'only' as I have a brother in AL due to mental illness so I'm the one who has to deal with things on the front line. I also don't have Durable/financial POA just health POA. I do her bills paid with her monies. She is back in her own apartment. I keep an eye on what I can.
She is my brother's rep payee so for me to be financial POA that might open up a whole can of worms.
I also see our similarities as far as driving and other things we can't control.
I decided to help her when I can and the other stuff, I don't suffer anymore because it was making me sick.
good luck and stay strong and big HUGS
Some days I am so tired of being her daughter. She is not evil but has had erratic behavior for decades. She claims she thinks she responded to the law firm but even if she did it was likely in a handwritten note which is impossible to read. All she had to do was give me the paperwork so that I could represent her interests.
I think you just stand your ground and do nothing for her without the POA. At times I think most of these elder people think their own children are just out to sabotage them and leave them bereft. It simply is so very exhausting.
She's desparate to hang on to her independence . .I get that. But there comes a point when she's got to realize that she is becoming more frail (heart for certain), sicker more often(lungs are always getting infected), her hearing is shot (refuses to wear HAids), mobility is declining big time, and should be adjusting her lifestyle accordingly. God forbid she kills anyone with her car, or puts the house/neighbors in danger or really screws up her finances to take care of herself for the rest of her remaining years.
I have had many conversations with her over the last few years regarding her aging/living situation - and all she does is shut them down. I knew I would face this - I just didn't know how much it really hurts inside to have my own mother not trust me to help her properly.
I'm in no position to put myself or my husband at risk legally, or financially either.