Mom hygiene; does anyone else have to explain to their bedridden loved one it is okay to relieve themselves in their diaper?

We are socialized from a very young age to feel shame for not getting to the toilet in time, telling someone who is aware and would otherwise be continent to just go in their pants goes against every instinct. It grieves me when I hear about people who are bedridden because their caregivers are left with no better options - is your mother not able to bear weight at all, could she not pivot transfer to a bedside commode? No possibility of getting a lift, if not for toileting at least to get her out of bed for part of the day?

Can you get her to a commode that you can put by her bed? There is also equipment that you can use to help get her up to a chair or the commode. A Hoyer Lift would help you out a lot this way. And there is a sling that has a commode hole so it is easy to position her. Although I found the sling with the "split leg" straps to be easier.
If she bear a bit of weight and hold on a Sit to Stand might work but the Hoyer is easier.

Ask her doctor if they can write and order for nurse visits through home health care. These nurses can assess yiur situation and your mom and suggest ways to help both of you. My husband uses a urinal and a bed pan. No, it’s not fun as it seems that some days I am constantly up and down from the chair helping him. But we’ve chosen to care for our loved ones at home and that’s just part of it.

My mom was exactly like this - even in the hospital she would say she needed to get up and go to bathroom and they would say over and over ' you can go in the diaper we just put on you.' She did have a bedside commode, but when she got bedridden that was not an option. Yes a Hoyer Lift for anyone who could use it would be helpful if the person can stand safely. It's part of dementia I guess, although no one likes to think that they are back to a diaper like a baby, and I can empathize with that.

If somebody told you that would you be fine with it?

What prevents your mother from getting out of bed? (I'm not challenging, this is a genuine question - to which there may be a solution).

With a Hoyer lift the person doesn't need to be able to stand. There are toileting slings which allow the person to be transferred safely from lying on the bed to sitting on the commode; so as long as the person can sit, with upper body support if necessary, transfers are doable.

If the person can stand at all, transfers are doable.

If the person can sit and slide himself or herself, transfers are doable.

God bless occupational therapists!

There are people who no longer experience 'urgency': they are unaware of needing to open their bowels or pass urine. There are people whose bladder or bowel is impaired and they are physically unable to retain waste. These people are incontinent.

People who can't get out of bed, or can't get out of bed quickly enough to get to the toilet/commode, or for someone to bring them a bedpan - these people are not incontinent. If they say they need to use the bathroom, they need help to "use the bathroom" by whatever method is best for them. Which won't be wetting or soiling themselves in a diaper.

My mother has very weak lower extremities. He legs buckle at times. I put her on the commode every two hours with my assistant. Three weeks ago I fell and broke three rubs unable to lift, extreme pain. I was glad I got a Hoyer in Oct, just in case I needed it. The Hoyer was ordered by the doctor in the summer and took a while to get it. My assistant used the Hoyer lift to get her up and put her back to bed. There were times when we just got her back to bed, and she said she had to pee. I did tell her to pee her pants it was ok, but when my assistant told her that she tells her to pee her own pants. It is kind of funny. Is it possible to use a Hoyer to get her on the commode and chair? It would be beneficial to prevent a possible UTI or pneumonia . My mother just sits and the Hoyer does the rest, not necessary to stand her. Love this equipment especially when only one caregiver is available to do the lifting.

The answer is yes, earlybird - it is possible to use the Hoyer for transfers to commode, wheelchair, or riser recliner - just about anything, really, I suppose.

If you weren't given the right manual with your Hoyer lift (sometimes the slings come from other suppliers and the manuals go astray), you should be able to:

find the exact make and model of the slings you're using on their labels
type that into Google
look in the results for instruction manuals or booklets or downloads

When you've located the right brand and type, you will be able to see diagrams which show you how to position the leg straps correctly for "dignity" or "toileting/toilet transfers." It's really just a matter of strategic positioning; plus in the toileting set-up you or the caregiver need to watch your mother's legs to make sure they don't waggle around and hit something while she's being hoisted and transferred. No physical strength required, you just lay your hand on them gently and keep them still.

If she will be sitting on the commode, you will also want to position her upright when she is being hoisted. Again, this is explained in the manual: depending on which loops the hooks go in, the person is more or less perpendicular once raised from the bed.

When lowering, as you have two people there, one person should lower while the other keeps watch on how your mother's body is settling into position. Have a key word - "stop" is good! - so that you can pause the operation to make minor adjustments, if necessary. A common problem, for example, is being a bit too far back so that the person's spine is pressed uncomfortably against the commode's back. Practice makes perfect, it's only a matter of a little tweak here and there.

I practised on myself! - could you and the assistant takes turns? :)

Correction from the last post. It is possible to get a patient out of bed to w/c , chair and commode. We have not tried the commode as of yet, but we have been using it for transfers to bed, chair and w/c. We are doing a pivot transfer to commode with assistant doing most of the lifting due to my injury. Thanks to Countrymouse she always has such good advice, we are going to try the Hoyer to commode.

Can't send you a private message earlybird, but thank you :)

Should have thought of this earlier: try this link

https://www.rehabmart.com/post/how-to-choose-the-best-patient-lift-sling

Lots of good clear advice on there.

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I tell my mother she has a diaper you don’t need to get up. Which hasn’t been an issue because she can walk just barely if I hold her up from falling and push her along, while she holds the walker. So it’s good she sleeps through the night. Even getting her from her bed to her recliner is only 2 feet away I must basically carry her.

When our mother became incontinent she of course started wearing depends. As our loved ones start loosing their life long independence due to health/mind problems. It’s a difficult and in many ways very private challenges.
Explaining that the most important thing is to keep them safe, seemed to be a great tool. Keeping in mind that wearing personal protection (depends) is just one way to achieve this. More important that these need changed as often as possible, otherwise your loved one can end up with UTI (Urinary Track Infections) . This problem can end up being what ends life. I hope this helps. Asking your loved one to help you with these changes retains some dignity. Patience, patience and patience is a vital part to accepting the challenges for yourself as well as your loved ones. Not to mention setting an example for those who may one day be faced with many responsibilities for another humans life. 🌸❤️🦋❤️🌸

Unfortunately some persons even though they can, they do not use the commode that is less than 2 feet away and would rather just stand up and pee on the floor in front of the commode!
Anyone have an answer to that?

It is very difficult for someone to dismiss toileting and relieving themselves in a diaper. After all, toileting is ingrained into us at a very early age. Is she totally unable to transfer to a bed side commodevusing a sliding board, Hoyer lift, or a stand pivot transfer? It is very hard to convince someone to accept this issue. Is there someone other than you say a nurse or her primary care physician that can give her permission to use the diaper? It sounds weird I know but maybe someone that she views a authority may be able to help.

Try a bedside toilet and see if she can manage that. Lots easier for everyone to clean up. If there's just no way, it will take time to convince someone to do it in the diaper because your brain knows it is not right. Imagine me telling you to do it in the diaper -- you would hold it until the cows come home!!

Besides changing out a pee diaper, I absolutely loathe number two except if due to an accident (didn't see/hear it coming). I’m more than happy to assist with getting to the commode by any safe means necessary (getting into a wheelchair, using a walker, or the lift) where I can use fresheners, mask, and flush, flush, flush. Things to survive the ordeal.

It's funny mom has dementia but only goes on herself when others do not take her in a routine type manner. During the day, we use to give up to three visits before leaving for the day and we had no issues. It was when we went down in visits that bedsores and other issues started to happen.

I don’t have experience with tons of different elders, but with experience of both ways, the on yourself just made for way, way more cleanup. I hated it!

I pray you find a happy medium.

Please try a bedside commode if possible. Easier than changing a soiled diaper for you, BUT only if she CAN use the commode.

My mom, who cannot get out of bed or toilet on her own, came to live with me a couple of months ago - she's always been adamantly opposed to peeing in her Depends, so instead was waking me every 45 minutes to an hour through the night to use the urinal that I got for her. After almost 2 weeks of that, and the advice of a friend who's been through a similar situation, I convinced her to try a female condom cath. We place it when she goes to bed, tuck it into her Depends, then add a diaper just in case. From the very first night it's been a Godsend - we both sleep through most nights, I empty and clean it in the morning. Oftentimes there is spill over to the Depends and/or diaper, but I also use double pads underneath her, so it never soaks the mattress. I happily take that as the tradeoff for sleep...She was happy about getting more sleep too, because she was lying awake worrying about it....

I occasionally have to encourage my mother to pee into her incontinence panty since a fall badly damaged a knee. Mom is continent with an occasional small leak when awake and incontinent when sleeping so she wears incontinence panties all the time. When her knee is swollen and/or painful, we keep it elevated and iced with gel packs and something about this sometimes makes Mom slightly anxious and wanting to go to the bathroom every 4-20 minutes, which only makes the knee worse. So I started using a sand hour glass to mark the passage of an hour and encourage her to just pee into the panty if she needs to go before it's time to get up again (and we will change the panty when she gets up). Sometimes I need to show her the incontinence panty's pad and tell her the pee will not go "everywhere".

I understand your frustration with repeating this conversation. My mother has short term memory problems and occasionally asks for help getting up to pee every 4 minutes or so. I've learned distraction is the quickest way out of this repeat pattern. I turn on some music (usually hymns) and get Mom singing or the TV to an old movie Mom likes or a Lucy or Andy Griffin comedy (streaming services make this much easier). Sometimes a slideshow on a digital photo frame will distract too, but that doesn't seem to work as well as singing or watching TV.

TNtechnie, I'm wondering if the different position puts some slight pressure on her internal organs, prompting the sensation of "needing to go."   Perhaps it's a different form of stress incontinence, such as might occur when someone bends over and the upper portion of the body is changed relative to the lower portion, and pressure is put on the stomach area?

Of course they do. It's an awful thing to lose the ability to toilet yourself and tend to your own hygiene. When they slip so far... my mom did when were caring for her in 2014 ... they quit caring much about it. It's a stage. I am now caring for my daughter who has brain lesions and she gets so upset every time that she has to go to the bathroom... she asks to go to the bathroom - and asks us to help her get there. She can't stand on her own right now, so she's not going to be able to go to the bathroom. We just reassure her that it is ok to go in her brief and just go right ahead with changing her. I can't pretend that I have kept my patience all of the time. It is really hard. But I think it is a stage - and it will pass. Hang in there, sweetie.

Hello yes it happens with them all but the one thing you need to watch for is that they sometimes try to hold it in. The diaper will be wet but there may still be a lot left in the bladder that they are not releasing. After my mothers surgery when they removed the catheter and put diapers she was not fully relieving herself. I thought that after the surgery she had developed dementia or something but an orderly that night put the catheter back in and over a quart and half of urine was released, and she was back to normal the next day mentally. So she still has a diaper but they left the catheter which will be permanent small bag attached to leg you empty twice a day, better for everyone.