My mom has dementia and cannot take care of her property, finances or meds. I have been doing that for her and there has always been resentment. She is still active and social, but does have advanced COPD and heart disease so it's very important that her meds are managed. Now we are in the process of taking her driving privileges away and she has become hateful and violent. Yesterday I had to call the police. She wants me out of her life and when she gets this angry she seems to remember and retain that anger, but doesn't remember attacking me. The doctors don't feel she is a candidate for memory care because she is still so cognitive. Any advice would be appreciated.

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I had the same situation with my Mom....and I truly feel for you. She never remembered throwing things at me, trying to slam the door on my arm, hitting, etc. Financial matters that had always been managed perfectly became late bills and missed payments.
Please document the instances that demonstrate her decline in all aspects of her life over a few days. I bet you would find any physician hard pressed not to recommend her going to an Assisted Living/ Memory Care facility. Most places have BOTH options, because they recognize just what you are experiencing.

My Mom fluctuated between the two, was in MC first, then AL, then back and forth once more as she truly deteriorated.

You do not have to have a physician's recommendation to have her placed in MC. But, if she becomes more abusive and you have to call the police, all sorts of other scenarios could play out that would have worse implications than you making the choice to place her in a facility of your choosing.

When/ if you explore an option for her, the nurse and an administrator will visit her in the home, do an assessment, and you will find out what is the best fit for her considering safety for her, staff and the other residents, and how much supervision she requires (MC has lower staff ratios).

This is difficult, and those who have not experienced the violent, angry displays from a loved one suffering with dementia can't truly understand. But you know what is best for her and for you, because she's lost the ability to reason and have control over her actions.
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Avoid confronting her.

Delegate medication management and any personal care assistance she needs to professional caregivers. Delegate the driving issue to the authorities. Keep as low a profile as you can.

You do what you have to do to get precautions in place. If she's not safe on the road, you can't ignore it. If she can't manage her meds, you can't just ignore that either. But don't make the mistake of hoping that she won't mind, and that she'll gradually come to accept these changes with a good grace. She WILL mind, and hence ideally you want someone else to get the blame.
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When you say "we are in the process of taking her driving privileges" who else is directly connected to this? I ask because it really sounds like the focus needs to be taken off of you as the "cause" or decision maker here and really the best person to be the "bad guy" is her doctor. Once a doctor says she needs to stop driving everyone is on notice and insurance can deny claims, you can be liable for letting her drive anyway (depending on state probably) and you can hide behind all of this, your just following doctors orders and the law. Being at odds with her the way you are now doesn't help anyone, especially if her cognitive ability is still considered good enough to live alone because she does need your help. It's tricky because if she is competent enough to live alone you really need her blessing to be doing the things you are for her, meds, fiances etc and if she is so pissed off at you that she wants you to stop, well some damage is bound to occur while she lands herself in the hospital or MC because she isn't able to do it alone.

For now though, I would step back a bit if I were you. Still take care of the financial details, meds as much as you can without having much contact with her, as long as she allows. Give both of you a physical contact break and even contact by phone break if you can for at least a few days and longer if it's possible so the emotions can settle down. Then remove yourself as much as possible from the appearance at least of being a decision maker on the driving, sympathize and "side" with her even while making it clear your hands are as tied as hers but you can do everything possible to make this easier, get her access to transportation and then do that.

Being prone to anger and even physical violence can be part of the disease process no matter what the patients personality was throughout life so while it's next to impossible to not react in the moment try to keep her aggression toward you in perspective and not personally. It's also important to make her doctors aware of every instance because it gives them information they may not gather during visits. Then of course there is always the rouse route, disconnecting the battery or pulling a spark plug, installing a kill switch....and having the car "break down".
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I don’t have experience with dementia or ALZ personally. I may one day with mom so I am always interested in how it works. I have empathy for those who do deal with it. All I can do is offer support and hugs. I do hope it gets better for you soon.

If it should happen with mom and violent behavior becomes apparent. I would find a safe place for her to be as soon as I could. I don’t feel like I would be qualified to handle it. I love her. I would visit her often. I know some people care for ALZ parents at home. I don’t think I would be comfortable doing it. It would frighten me. I don’t know if that is wrong of me to feel that way but it is how I feel and if I could not do my best for her then I feel it would only be fair to both of us to find a place that could help and do a better job than me.
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Shell38314 May 2019
NHWM, don't feel bad about having to put your mom in care if she got dementia and it would frighten you, because it scares the hell out of me. You are not wrong to feel the way you do! Ever!!
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My mom would get really angry and accuse me of all sorts of wrong doing, then forget, then call me and ask what we were fighting about. She wanted to fight and whatever emotion she was feeling, she wanted to take it out on me. I think she was just confused and angry about her situation of not having a memory and being dependent on me, but had no way to express that. When I told her she was hurting my feelings, she said I needed to get tougher. So I got tougher. Now in assisted living she is so nice to me I wonder sometimes what she did with my mom.

If your mom attacks you, you must find a way to stay safe from her. Assisted living? A home care person instead of you caring for her? As for the meds, maybe you could get someone who looks official to come in and give them to her.

Taking away the driving - you have to just do it however angry it makes her. But have other people around when you are with her to take the keys.
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