Mom hates assisted living. Should we save money and move her?

It does sound like you are paying for lots for great amenities that are not being used or appreciated. I completely understand as my parents are in a nice independent living environment with lots of great amenities that are never used.. and I am sure we are paying for them. So frustrating!

When my parents first moved in I would try to get them to use the van provided for them, go to some events, appreciate the movie theater available to them, the nice grounds, exercise classes.. etc. Every month I would pour over the calendar of events to see if I could get them to participate...in anything.. but to no avail. My dad just wants to "go home".

I would consider moving her and saving money if you are absolutely sure she isn't going to have a change of attitude (didn't happen for me its been 2 years and my parents still have a bad attitude and do not appreciate the amenities).

Is the other place at least clean and safe with available assistance that she will require?

You use the word "adequate" in describing the other places. I guess I would ask, what type of gal is your mom? My mom has always been a "princess and the pea" type of woman. While mom has always been tight with a buck - she is finally, at 89 - more concerned with comfort and privacy - nice surroundings etc. so "adequate" just wouldn't do anymore - the princess side is fully in residence, the frugal gal has been kicked to the curb. Since my moms money will last and since it is her money - she stays put in her private room with the sliding glass door that opens out to a private landscaped courtyard - fountain and all. It's only accessible by six rooms so it makes my mom happy even though she has yet to go outside - maybe now that summer is almost here?! Mom is also finally participating in some of the activities- it only took six months, lol! So I'd say - you know your mom, is a posh setting something that matters to her - even if she doesn't seem to be noticing it? And can she continue to afford to stay there regardless of her participation? She may, after a while - become more involved. It certainly surprised me when my mom did.

kwyattearp, the place your Mom is staying sounds so nice I want to move in :) Yes, these places are expensive but if Mom can afford it, keep her there. Moving her might cause some confusion even in an elder who is still pretty sharp.

My Dad picked out a very nice IL/AL facility, and I was able to take him there almost every day for social hour [snacks and music] for two weeks prior to him moving in and he seemed to enjoy it, and was even talking to the ladies :)

Once Dad moved in, forget about the social hours, he rather sit in his recliner and watch the local news. Now he does get physical therapy every weekday morning and that tires him out being he is 94, so I can't blame him. He does have his favorite caregiver with him in the morning to get him up, showered, breakfast and lunch, do his laundry... take him to doctor appts, etc. Then his afternoons and evenings are his.

Dad does complain about the cost but I keep reminding him it is less expensive then him living in that big house with around the clock caregivers [he's a fall risk], and the expense of maintaining that house [which is on the market For Sale].

I'm just going to put this idea out there...isn't it possible that she's going to hate every place you put her in because it's not home?

Alternatively, will she hate the new place even more because it's not as posh?

I'm thinking you won't be able to please her no matter what you do...so focus on cost savings (and make sure to figure in moving costs) and also consider what will happen when she needs more care than assisted living can provide (is there a step up in care service...a connected nursing home and memory care that would not cost if she is in the same facility).

Angel

are you paying for this? I think then you get to decide

That's a tough call. I think it would be hard to have to go through the whole process of moving and getting her settled again. If she has enough to pay her own way then I think I would leave her where she is, it just means that she may eventually have to apply for medicaid a little sooner.

If the other place is $2k less, that means it will be understaffed and give a much lower level of care. Plus, they may quote you $2K less, but then you get in there and they tell you transport to meals is extra, transport to MD is extra, etc. and tack on "level of care" for that. Don't be penny wise and pound foolish.

Has she been evaluated for depression?

Thanks for all of the insight. This is a great group.
Kimber166, I am managing Mom's money, she does not know what she's being charged. This is the case with most of the residents there.
Babalou, yes.
Pamstegma, indeed. The staffing appears to be better at the cheaper place. Current place is going through management change, heads are rolling and turnover is rampant.
Angelkw, right. No pleasing her.
Rainmom, I should wait a bit more. She can also transition to more acute care on this same property.
I knew I came to the right place to request feedback. Blessings to you all!

Some great advice here. My dad wanted to move from IL to AL and then once he did hated it. Part of which is the confusion it brought on. He didn't want to associate with "those people" and wouldn't do anything outside his place. We got him back on Buspar since he suffers from anxiety and he was like a different person. Now he loves it, loves the staff, made friends and does the exercise class and games. So give it time. I agree that moving her again would be hard on her, not to mention you. You have to give up worrying about making her happy or want to take advantage of the things you would do if you lived there. You can't and it is just frustrating to you to worry about what you can't control. You sound like a good daughter who is concerned but you aren't the one responsible for her happiness or how she spends her time. The sooner you give up on that the less stress you will feel. You have done what you could to be sure she's well taken care of. But do see if she's depressed...the social worker on staff can assist there too.

Sounds like similar stories from many of us. You said she is in AL....but I am curious as to what she is capable of doing on her own. Can she do things or would she be embarrassed by failure? Are there too many people in the place? Maybe she has became apprehensive of crowds. My MIL was pretty much the same....funny how so many seniors look down their nose at other seniors! MIL thought she was better than everyone else in the community and they really had more of a need for this AL community place than she did. Not true!!

The staff etc. tried so hard to engage her initially and when they did she was not always happy or successful with the results. Those "other" residents needed that "stuff" not her.They tried to make her feel special or needed. Didn't work. Her message was subtle but clear....she did not want to be there and was trying to make us feel guilty for placing her there.

Can you find a "friend" in the community who "needs to be needed"? Sometimes that works. A weird relationship but MIL had one...someone who came by to get her for stuff ...bingo, meals,etc. I must say that after the first 12 months MIL was told to either get hers meds tweeked( she was not on any as she refused !) or move out as she became a nuisance to the community. We had to move her.
As you know, moving is tough on everyone. After the first place MIL moved to our house( 2 years) , then Memory Care facility( horrible) then I finally resorted to AFC homes. They have my vote for being the best resource we found.Cleaner, more personal, less expensive. Checking them out in your community might help you make a decision. Good luck and hang in there.

Good comments here. Sounds all too familiar to me to. My 87 yr old mom had to move from her home of 50 yrs due to unsafe fall risks (stairs) after a bad fall. Found a nice senior bldg with many activities. She'll do some but prefers her apt and TV. Being on a diuretic means being close to a bathroom a must or else a wet Depends. Bus trips not so good! She's happy, safer and thriving very well. Yes it's costly and I've thought about moving her but after 2 yrs here she's finally accepted she won't be going back to her house. No more crying about it and that's well worth it to me. It's tough seeing her $ go but at 87 she can now reap the fruits of all her hard work and just do what SHE feels like doing. Thanks for all the support in this group. Helps me feel I'm not alone in these decisions. Hang in there!

Kwyattearp - if the place is undergoing changes in management, well perhaps see in another 5 mos or so IF between facility changes and how mom is managing whether it's the best place for mom for her year 2.

Could mom be doing drama (let me lie on the couch in this place) to get you to respond? Before mom moved to the AL what was the situation between you two? Like you saw her every day, once a week, every 3months? You lived together, same city, another state?

If they are a narcissist to begin with,well they will be quite the handful to deal with as they age. But even for the nice & balanced elder, if they just sense an opportunity to manipulate they will try to. It's just human nature but add on dementia, it gets hard to deal with for family.

If she isn't happy in the posh place, she won't be happier in the less posh one.

It's getting close to time to have mother moved to an AL place. We were kind of waiting to see what the winter would bring (falls, decreased mobility) and they didn't appear, so I guess we're in a holding pattern. Mother can afford a really nice facility with a lot of amenities, and I think once her BFF can't drive her anymore, she might be more amenable to the change.

6 months is not a lot of time to make this crucial adjustment in her life. I'd encourage her to try some of the activities and get out more. The hassle of moving her has got to be worth the wait. This is a huge change for anyone.

I know of some elderly who "facility hop" just as a method to be "active", so to speak. Don't fall for that. I know it's hard to see your mom unhappy, but it's her choice to be involved or not. What was she like "at home"? Maybe all she did was lie on the couch and watch TV there too. If so, this behavior may just be who she is and just more noticeable in a facility, where you are PAYING for her to have activities.

I'm moving my MoM from AL to her house. She has been there from Nov, 2015 to now. I will evaluate cost in 6 months to see if we're saving money or spending more. Main concern is her being careful & safe. She can't be pleased about anything. She wants to please me & do whatever she's supposed to be doing. She will still have 24/7 caregivers & I may need to hire a housecleaner & a housekeeper combo at least once a week. The caregivers will help her with personal daily needs & help with meals & meds & do light house keeping. They will make up her bed & change sheets/bedding just as an example. From 7-3 M-F the same caregiver, then from 3-11 caregiver will just be doing whatever needs she has & being sure she is careful & for example get her ready for bed, 11-7Am caregiver stays thru the night to AM & the cycle starts over. I have a 3 piece baby monitor system that works pretty good. I am really running a business for my MoM so I can feel more comfortable leaving her with the caregivers. I have some nice ladies that really care about her. I plan to use all the money she has but that is still up in the air from my Dad's estate (just a year). So I am trying to be really careful. Front tooth broke $1000, rear bridge $2000 & the insurance doesn't help a whole lot. Van repairs $2000 & on & on. I'm like another the maintenance seems high til all the stuff that breaks gets fixed. But AL isn't all it is cracked up to be..if you see anybody in the halls its usually someone looking for a CNA & their not even sure what they need help doing. Sometimes its the cleaning lady that I see. Don't get me wrong, they (staff) do come & check but its not as often & my Mom couldn't stay there unless she had 24/7 help. This place was the best I could find & a little smaller that most. My Mom keeps saying she will do this & that when she gets home-like go play dominoes with her church group, go to church, go to workout club but she's 88 yrs. & time--she gets reminded to do daily needs, eat, stand up straighter, leaves walker & moves around & it takes more time than she realizes to get her where she needs to go. But the routine has been done so long she knows when. But changing is really hard & disorienting & she takes the alzheimer's meds. so I think that helps. Just went to Nuero Dr & had her tested & that went will & she will go back in couple months so there will be a record so we can tell if there are any changes or not that need to be addressed.

Ree111 you're right. It is hard to see that much expense paid every month but well worth it. My dad has it, worked and saved all his life and he deserves to spend it to be taken care of. I don't regret it and am happy that it's there for him. It's not my money.

It is really tough for an elder to give in a studio apartment or even a 2-bedroom apartment after living in a large house. They miss that space even if they had spent their days sitting in the living room watching TV.

I was taken aback yesterday afternoon when my Dad said he would like to move. Say what? Where? He didn't know. Asked why he wanted to move, and he said the cost and he only has 4 rooms. Told him the cost is similar to other places in the area, and if he could find something cheaper he might need to pay extra for linen service, dinner, the alert pendent, etc.

When I mentioned he might not get the great menu dinners that he now has, that helped him change his mind as the meals are excellent at this place.

One thing I need to do is ask the facility not to send Dad a copy of his rental bill [the original comes to me to be paid from Dad's funds] as he will mull over it and start to complain. It's not easy for someone who was so frugal all their life to see a bill for the facility. They panic that they wouldn't have enough.

Oh boy, Freqflyer, I'm with you on not showing parents' their bills. I have everything come to me, except the newspaper subscription renewal, which I now realize I need to get changed. Every six months, when the renewal notice comes through, I have to listen to weeks of "Stop the paper, it's too expensive, blah, blah, blah." This time mom was particularly obsessive about it. I finally sat down and talked to her about how routine is VERY important to keeping on the right track and still on her own at 96. Every morning she gets her paper and reads it and works the crossword. I wrote that logic out and pinned it to her couch and that finally did the trick, because she wants to remain on her own.

But I need to get the bill sent to me, so I don't have to go through that again, LOL!! My mom's independent living bill just went up to over $4k a month and she'd have a cow if she knew that!

The responses you received are all excellent. From what I can tell, it ultimately is a very personal choice. My folks moved from their home into a stepped independent living facility 3 years ago. It looked lovely and was very expensive. Long story shortened, mom lost nearly 45 lbs while there and dad didn't get involved and hated the "old farts."

After much research I found another lovely, happy and bright place and then brought in a team of amazing aids, who work with mom and dad 24/7. After 1 year at this place, the rent went up (food quality and service went down) and management changed. Sad as it was a good place to start - large corporate owned with many facilities across the US.

I just moved them into a new house, which I rented. I worked very closely with our aids and found a fabulous house in a gated community. We have 6 aids who share a 24/7 load and they all love mom and dad. My parents couldn't be happier.

Yes, there was some confusion to start, but 2 1/5 weeks later, dad says they're living in the best home in their entire life! This was the best decision. It's tough but the quality of care is better than any large facility. They have lots of ways to interact with neighbors too. And as dad says " no more old farts!"

Good luck with your decision. It's a tough job but I consider it a true privilege to be able to help mom and dad enjoy this stage of their life, surrounded by people who love and care for them too.

Weighing cost against service is a tough choice for children whose parents are in the later stage of their lives. You said the other facilities are $2k less. Can your mom afford it? How is her health? Is she depressed over no longer being home?
Other reply about hidden extras is very important. Also the issue of stages of transition to full nursing and/or hospice. Remember, your mom's money is hers until she passes. All of your decisions must be based on what is best for her until that time. You leave out a lot of details that would help to get more helpful replies instead of getting other people's stories (all valid and important, just different than your situation). Consult the social worker and mom's doctors. A comprehensive evaluation of all possible causes for her disinterest is needed. You owe it to her.
Best wishes.

I would say you have received some good answers.
One other possibility. Find a small apartment near you and provide 24 hr. care
for her. She would be near by that you could drop in unexpected and check on her. Have duties and schedules for each shift. This will be her home and can actually be provided until end of life provided by hospice. You may find that Medicare or some insurances may pay for some of the services. One requirement that background checks on caretakers, yet never leave money or valuables, use reputable agencies. Just another idea.

Tvidos, I accidentally reported your post. ..it's right were I scroll on my tablet....

I think you have to recognise that people from their mid 80s onwards tend to be far more sedentary and far more inward-looking anyway, whether or not they have memory problems, and they can get really grouchy when you deliberately try to cheer them up. It took ages for me to accept that my very musical friend refuses to learn to push 2 buttons on a CD player in order to play all her old CDs. But she will happily reach out for a book to read. She loses everything new I bring her, but adores tidying her room (takes us ages to find her handbag again, sometimes). But for conversation I ignore her grumbling completely and just tell her stories and jokes. My visits are always short (30 - 40 minutes). Suddenly, one day she stopped asking if she had enough money for a taxi home. From one day to the next, she forgot about "going home" completely. What a relief.

Would a board and care home work for her? A neighbor of mine, a retired nurse, set up her home with rooms for 3 elderly women, with other help as needed.

I care for my 94-year old mother in my home. Visited a couple of facilities but are very expensive. She has no insurance and dies not want to dip into her savings. I have my own health issues but could see my Mom doing the same thing, staying in her room. She is not very social, would not participate in activities. I know, if I should have to put her in one, she would just sit and fade away. Hard decisions. I agree with the others that your Mom woukd orobably do the same in a cheaper facility but would she get the proper care she needs? So many are understaffed and I have heard they can have a big turnover in employees.

I agree with other comments that your mother may very well dos like another place. If finances are a concern then you may have to move her since she is not taking advantage of the available amenities. Also agreed to have her evaluated for depression. Can't hurt and sometimes Medicare providers will come on site to provide counseling if there are some unresolved issues that she needs to deal with.

When my husband no longer participated in the many activities offered at his memory care center and was being bothered by residents at an earlier stage of the disease, we moved him to a small group home where he could relax and do very little. He was content and we saved money, too.

Margot49, what does your 94 year old mother really want to do with her savings? They would be best spent on improving life for both of you.You should carry on looking for assisted living places, or at least places where you could put your mother into temporary care while you sort out your own health.

Is your mom bound to the wheelchair ir can she walk, also are you able to bath her, the reason Im asking is you fo not mention any dementia or otherwise restricting capabilities.Maybe you should move her in with you and your family it would give her a purpose and make her happy and you could save the money and take her on trips or the movies. Yourself.

Scottdenny, she is wheelchsir bound. She lived with us for six months, complained about everything, alienated my very kind and patient husband and asked to live elsewhere. My husband has just been diagnosed with CHF and has service related health issues and my first concern is for his comfort and well being.