Mom has vascular dementia and has been living in AL for almost 3 years. She knows she she owns a house, and wants us to move her back. We cannot move her home because she needs 24 hour supervision, but she insists that she can live alone. She is still fairly active, but has very short term memory. She has great friends and the community is perfect in every way; safe, clean, staff and management are terrific, food is great, there is lots to do within the community, and the price is within budget.
Whenever Mom brings up the topic of wanting to go home — which is daily — she has sometimes said, "If I didn't have a house, then maybe I could be happy here." And then two seconds later, she says, "But I worked hard for my house with daddy to have something for my old age."
Do you think telling her the house is "sold" even if it's not, would spiral her into a bad place? Or do you think it would help her get past the idea that she can live at home alone? I know this is a pretty subjective question, but I just wonder if anyone out there has had a similar situation.
Its in 2 parts, here are the links:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/one-familys-way-to-cure-agitation-in-dementia-and-deal-with-wanting-to-go-home-and-bathing-493504.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/continued-one-familys-way-to-cure-agitation-in-dementia-and-deal-with-wanting-to-go-home-and-bathing-493505.htm
Mother's plans can be heard - no action is required on your part.
Eg Oh I see. I am sure you'll find a way. OK.
Feelings can be met with feelings.
Validate her feelings if able/possible.
Eg If she is angry - that's ok. Angry is a normal reaction to loss of choice.
Re-phrasing has helped me a lot!
We have turned "I had to come here" into "I am glad I choose this place". From loss of choice & control to feeling empowered by her choice.
Sadness of losing a beloved home is also very normal. It's ok to say I miss how things were too. Reminiscing with a photo album or sharing old stories may work. Enjoying a trip down memory lane together.
If I reminisce about our old homes, or old holidays my DH knows I am not making a statemwnt based on logic. So he doesn't use logic to reply. No use telling me "Well those days are gone, you'll never get them back". We know that. He joins in & says things like "Yeah, that was fun wasn't it?" It seems to help me somehow.
I'm not saying that it won't come up again, but by validating her feelings, things seem to be a bit better.
Mum also asked if I'd sold her home. I said that hubby and I are living there for a while as we are getting a new kitchen in our home, was that ok? She expressed that she was pleased that we were living there. I asked her what we should do with our place, and she replied that we should rent it out, and stay living in hers. She appeared to be happy with that arrangement.
If (and she said if, and not when) I come out of here, where would I go? To which I said that she's go where we are, because she couldn't be on her own. I did wonder if I was walking into a trap, but she nodded and seemed satisfied. She hasn't mentioned that again.
Also, acknowledging that she doesn't want to eat much, and isn't hungry, seems to make mealtimes go smoother. Giving her choices of what she's like to "eat" first.
When we petitioned for guardianship, the court sent out 3 court appointed evaluators to determine if guardianship was right. And all three of them (as well as 3 other doctors she saw) said the guardianship was needed. So we got her into memory care (as suggested by the evaluators)
When she starts the “going home cycle” we just stick to telling her that the judge or the courts said she has to be there for safety reasons. That we aren’t allowed to bring her home. Which isn’t exactly the truth, but we do have documents that reflect what we’re saying if we ever need to show her. Honestly, we could bring her home with live-in nurses, but the cost of that and knowing how bad her behavior was at home, for her husbands health and our own sanity, she has to stay in memory care.
i dont necessarily think that it would be a bad idea to tell her the house is sold and you have all her belongings in a safe place. I wouldn’t just say” oh by the way we sold your house” But talk to her one day about thinking about doing it and maybe even ask her where she wants her belongings to go. Then in a few weeks tell her it sold.
Either way, she will probably still say the same thing she’s been telling you, or will invent a new reason on why she wants to leave the facility. My mother in law has currently been telling us that they’re trying to kill her, that someone is stealing her things, that when she fell, that staff threw her on the floor. *her falls actually get recorded by a motion camera that only records when it detects a fall, and not one single time has anyone pushed her. Most of her falls are “fake falls” or she has also thrown her own self on the floor. The staff is wonderful to her despite her threats to them that she’s going to tell everyone they hit her. I hope your mom doesn’t get as bad as my mother in law! She’s a doozy!
after that she went downhill I 8 months and passed away 3 weeks ago. I feel bad that we had to put her in a facility but it was better for her in the long run.
Maybe your mom does need this closure so she can stop thinking about it as an option? I think it is worth a try.
Then change the subject, redirect her attention....many times a day.
The suggestion about anxiety meds sounds right on track.