My Mom has to live with me after breaking her hip and knee problems after surgery. I am suffering from the caregiver's syndrome. Any advice?

"Mom has to live with me." No, you chose to allow her to live with you. Maybe it was a great choice, maybe it was a mistake. But you have no obligation for her to live with you.

It may be a medical opinion that she cannot live alone. She may "have" to live with someone. But it doesn't "have" to be you. She can get in-home help. She can live in a small residential care center. She could go to an assisted living place. Maybe she is a candidate for a nursing home, depending on her needs. There are other options.

I dwell on this because I think it makes a HUGE difference in our attitudes to recognize the truth. We do not HAVE to be caregivers to our parents. And if we decide we want to care for them, we can do it in a variety of settings, from their home to our home to a professional care setting.

Acknowledging that you made a choice does at least two things for you:
1) It allows you to take credit for a kind and noble and challenging decision
2) It makes it clear that you can make other choices as things change.

Is Mom's current behavior new? Has she ever been satisfied with what you do?

Next time don't take her in. Make sure she goes to a rehab facility. Gosh, I hope shesmom reads this.

curalv, it sounds like life is has given you a couple of serious punches recently. One thing for you and your husband to ask is which one of you can get a job the easiest. The other person can look after your mother while the other works. After things get more stable, you can figure out where to go from there. If you and hubby put your heads together, you may come up with a good solution as a team. After you start making some money, your mother sounds like a good candidate for an adult day program. Check to see if you have one that she can afford in your area. It would free you from having to stay home with her all day.

I hope one of you can get a job soon. I know it is stressful when you're worried about money.

Jeanne's question is the key one for me: is your mother normally a nice person who is being such hard work because of what she's going through? Or has your mother always been impossible to please, demanding and difficult? The answer makes all the difference to how you might best handle things from here.

But either way, you're under terrible strain and I'm sorry for it. Hugs to you. Please post again?

I forgot to mention about her being unpleasant and impossible to please. Many elders are like that. The only thing that seems to work is to let it roll off of you. You're doing the best you can to take care of her. If she gets grouchy, just walk away from it when it gets too much. Sometimes I wish they would invent a spray gas we could zap them with that would make them happy.

curalv0909, I wonder if your hubby started helping out your Mom if she would be as critical toward him as she is toward you?

When you think about it, it must not be easy to be aging, and dealing with a broken hip and knee replacement... I would be very grumbly, too. I know it isn't fair to you.

As for the money issue, is your Mom helping you out money wise with expenses? If she notices that you and hubby are cutting back on expenses, such as talking about cutting cable, poof there would go some of her favorite shows unless she volunteered to help pay.

The biggest mistake you can make is putting your welfare and wellbeing before anything else. Quitting your job is not looking out for your welfare. Go back to work. If possible get homecare for your mother. If necessary return her to her home so she can be more eligible for homecare. Help out when you can but due to her abusive nature support from a distance. If she continues to stay with you set boundaries and limitations with her. Let her know her bad behaviors will not be welcomed and she will be asked to leave if they continue. Do not continue to allow your self to be victimized and targeted by her under your own roof.