She's in her mid 80's, stopped taking all of her meds about 6 weeks ago. She changes the story on why as it suits her. She wants to go home, wants to drive, wants to handle things her way. I tell her that isn't all up to me. We have to follow the recommendations from her doctors. That leads to her saying if she can't drive there will be TROUBLE. I do have POA and can arrange for care. She turns away home health on a regular basis. She's starting to lash out at a nice woman who drops in to help out during the week. I live an hour away and have been up every weekend to check on her and her house. I can't maintain that. Twice a month is all I can manage mentally and physically. I feel trapped in all of this. The eventual solution is clear. If she won't cooperate with home health and lashes out at those who are trying to help her, her time at home will be short.
I just recently realized that verbal abuse, physical abuse, neglecting to protect me from abuse, constant put downs, and only being treated well when she gets what she wants when she wants it are not symptoms of depression. And I'm her only functional kid. And I have POA. I know just from the abuse she's thrown at me already about driving and not having "strangers" in her home that I'm not able to take much more. How do I explain that to the people that are making decisions on her care?
As to being POA for your Mom, I would not serve this function for an uncooperative woman who abused me. I did this for my beloved brother. It was a job! And he was the best guy ever.
I would talk to an elder law attorney about hiring a fiduciary to handle bills and finances. They get paid out of her funds. I would not continue as POA unless Mom was in care. If she is incapable you can report her as an elder in need to APS after resigning as her POA. Many people do not have children. They are on their own in these things. Eventually the state takes guardianship. As far as I am concerned that should be the result of abusing children, as well. They are simply not "there" when finally needed.
That's my own opinion and many will disagree. I feel no obligations by blood, only by love and caring.
I wish you the best. I think that if your Mother has any competence left at all you might consider sitting with her and telling her her options where your own "services" to her are concerned. But that's just me. Whatever your choices for your own life I do so wish you good luck.
Your mother sounds exactly like my mother. Unfortunately I had to wait until she declined to a point where she no longer had capacity. I contacted APS to report my concerns so those concerns were on record (they did nothing). My mother was recycled through the hospital, to rehab and back home to rot before any action to keep her safe could be taken.
My advice is to try and take care of yourself and not be sucked into this endless pit of negativity. This could be a long journey and it’s just the beginning. Think hard and long about taking on her POA. Believe me if I had known, I would have taken a look at having a state guardian take over. Get some counseling and set strong boundaries. The stress will make you crazy and take a toll on your physical health. And keep us posted.
The good side of this is she can't make you do anything either. Cut your visits down to what is manageable for you. I went from visiting weekly to not having seen her in person for years. She's still chugging along, firing any caregivers well meaning family hires, and just being a generally whiny person who won't listen to reason. When she neglects herself to the point that she needs a trip to the hospital that's when you can step in and try to get some better care in place. Until then you can work on your own boundaries. Decide what's best for you, balancing your desire to be a "good person" with caring for yourself too.
Ask that they facilitate emergency guardianship by the state, or, if they deem her competent to run her own affairs, that you will not be involved in any way.
There will be NO solution as long as others think YOU are the solution (quoting Beatty)
As long as no one has deemed her incompetent, there's not a lot you can do. Even the POA wouldn't be active, as you noted (per the bank.) That includes using it to hire people (if they are being paid from her funds - you shouldn't be using your own!)
You can't "place" her, you can't stop her from being discharged (she can discharge herself.) You CAN refuse to do anything that she needs done, including providing a ride home. Let her or the NH arrange that - you aren't available, period!
I wouldn't recommend revoking the POA yet. At some point you may need it and it will be legit, but if she's not competent, she wouldn't be able to assign it at that point.
So, let her go home. Let her make stupid mistakes. Let her get rid of all her "help." None of these are considered being "incompetent." Plenty of people ruin their own lives making stupid mistakes. In the meantime, stop going there. We can't force another person to do what we would prefer and there's no point to making yourself miserable along with her. If she needs food/supplies, she can hire a taxi or equivalent or have it delivered.
Until/unless she's deemed incompetent, your hands are tied. Even with dementia we can't force them to do what we want, like moving to facility (per our EC atty.) I would stay away. At the most, I might, if she tones it down, help with the food/supply delivery, and maybe a ride to medical appts now and then, but it might take some time before I'd commit to that! My mother (early dementia) wouldn't let the aides in (only 1hr/day to check on her and meds, nothing else!) She could get nasty when she wanted, but generally she appreciated me helping (we took the car away, that didn't go well!) I live 1.5 hrs from where she was, so I know how taxing it is to make multiple trips! I REALLY burned out dealing with the condo after she moved to MC (2.75 YEARS of multiple trips/week!)
The nursing home says she's okay to go home and live alone. They also saw the mean targeted at specific people. Since she's okay to be there alone, that means that if she starts lashing out, all of her caregivers can leave. I've spoken to everyone who's getting paid and made it clear that they should leave if she gets mean and not to reward any tantrums.
She can still manage her finances. I spoke to the bank and until she's diagnosed and declared incompetent, i don't have poa for either parent because Dad has a contingency poa. But she thinks I do in terms of living at home and medical care. The car won't start. I failed to maintain it while she was away. Not so much by design but because I just had so much going on. We've also misplaced the keys for now. I don't have the authority to sell it, but I'm skilled in making cars not run.
My gut is she won't make it at home. It means cooperating with too many people. I can do the poa stuff from afar with her in a nursing home. And if she's okay to be at home, I can keep my distance, too
Good! If she's so smart and competent, she'll have to figure out how to get it to work. You play dumb,,,
Wheelchair and oxygen but she’s going to do all these activities.
Her long term home care insurance would not pay for 2 aides, and she’s more apt to listen to a male attorney, then family, due to her narcissism.
She said the exact same delirious things.
It’s very wearing on the spirit so take time for you-
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