Keep the answers just as repetitive as she keeps asking. Keep them simple without explanation such things as she is there for safety or for until the doctor says she can safely go home. Many times a doctor has to fill paperwork that she is incompetent. So, to me, it is not considered a lie. For example, my brother asked me not to tell my mom after he passed, because the continual brain loop would just have her ask over and over and she would just receive the same shocking news. I would respond to her that I have not seen him for a while. That was the end of the question.
Rams04, when I moved my Dad to memory care from his senior independent living apartment, I used a "therapeutic fib". I told him the new apartment would be cheaper, and his face lit up as he was big on saving money. Of course, the new apartment did cost more, but Dad didn't need to know that. Later he joked about now living in a college dorm room.
Skip the “…..what did I do….”. If she has dementia she will not grasp the complexities of her needs or yours.
Shift to how much and why you love her, how happy you are that she will be able to meet new friends, how lovely the dining room is, all the pleasant people who will be able to help her…….make a list, and focus on it. If nothing else works you may need to resort to “…….your doctor said…..”.
Bear in mind that adjustment may take more time than you’ll be comfortable with. Expect her to rely on the MC staff to get more comfortable little by little.
Keep in touch with the staff to be able to give her the support she needs.
Ths is one f the hardest adjustments for you too. Be good to yourself.
Emphasize “Look at that beautiful (flower arrangement, table with people who are friends now), isn’t that sweet aide nice to us,” and instead of what she did bad to get there, repeat that she must have done something good. Then change the subject.
With a worsening dementia that is more than likely the reason Mom had to enter MC, it may not matter how you respond because there is no ability to understand and retain the information you give. I would keep it short and simple and say "Mom, I know right now this is hard for you to understand, but you are here because you need care, and we want to keep you safe because we love you." Just keep stressing safety and love together and keep it short. She will be unlikely to be happy, but she may adjust with time.
When dementia is in the house, we can never apply logic and reason to the situation OURSELVES. We don't expect the loved one with dementia to use reason and logic, yet we listen to nonsense from others telling us "never LIE to your loved one with dementia", which is applying logic to an illogical and abnormal situation riddled with a brain disease, a/k/a Dementia.
While we wouldn't "lie" under ordinary circumstances, we will "lie" all day long in an effort to pacify a loved one with dementia and/or to keep them calm and relaxed. That is the only goal we have when caring for a loved one suffering the cruel and inhumane disorder known as dementia.
We can call it 'therapeutic fibs' if we like, or we call it 'lying' or we can call it 'chocolate cake', what's the difference? My mother asked me CONSTANTLY where her mother was, and if she was hiding in the Memory Care ALF she lived in? If I used the logic here on AgingCare we see from time to time about Never Lie To Your Loved One, I would have told her no less than 1,000,000,000 times that her mother was dead and buried in the cemetery and had been since 1985. Which would have had her crying each and every one of the 1,000,000,000 times she asked me about grandma. Dumb thing to do, not to mention Cruel.
So we lie. Like rugs sometimes, in an effort to keep our mom's or dad's happy & content. Period. And it's not a 'horrible thing' or a 'sin' or anything bad at all, but a necessary evil to keep our loved ones calm & happy with the life they're now saddled with. Unfortunately. It's the least we can do to be kind to them.
Rams, no matter what you tell your mom about why she's in the MC, she's going to ask you repeatedly, over & over, that same question until you think you've jumped down some rabbit hole, which in essence, you have. The Dementia Rabbit Hole we're all familiar with and Hate intensely.
Tell mom whatever story you think may work to keep her Calm and Relaxed. That you had to move her into this apartment b/c the other one is infested with mice and needs extermination. Or painting. Or was flooded and needs a new floor. Or or or. It doesn't matter, it's all a Necessary Lie in order to make mom happy and realize she did nothing wrong to be 'sent off' somewhere as punishment.
When mom asked me why she had to live in Memory Care and could not go back to AL which she loved so much, I would tell her that 'her girls' weren't able to care for her properly anymore in AL once she went into a wheelchair (which was actually true). That she needed more one-to-one care than AL could give her, so she had to move into MC; we never discussed 'dementia' b/c mom did not believe she suffered from it at ALL. A/K/A Anosognosia, which is a condition that causes someone to be unaware of their mental health condition and how it affects them. It's common in some conditions, including dementia. So, someone who has been properly diagnosed with dementia, but has anosognosia, doesn't know or believe that they have dementia.
Mom would ask me that same question repeatedly, continuously, day in and day out, and I would answer her in the same way each time.
When it came to 'where is my sister and my brothers' who were all deceased, I had a variety of answers I'd use for that question. They were in Florida b/c it was too cold for them in Colorado. They were on vacation, they were at the store shopping, they were otherwise occupied babysitting their grandchildren, etc etc. Mom's short term memory was shot to the point that she'd forget her question a few minutes after she'd asked it, so the answers I'd give her were irrelevant ANYWAY. They would only need to be repeated again and again shortly afterward.
Wishing you the best of luck coming up with calming answers to give your mother when she's anxiety ridden.
Good advice. Doesn't always work though. There was a little bit of confusion for me as to when my mom was not able to remember that my dad had died. She was so smart she'd see through my story, then say "oh he died, didn't he?' And other times she'd go along with the story that he was fishing, which had been the only times they were not together after their retirements. And her sometimes figuring it out went on for 8 years of the 10 Alzheimer's years she was without him. The last 2 years she believed me completely and would further the story about his fishing, probably remembering a long ago fishing trip he took.
I read every word. I guess I should have been more specific my apologies. By "lie" I meant from your post that you meant in a way, tell her things that won't upset her. No need to Yell
Keep telling her that you love her and that she is in a place where she will get good care. Ask if there is anything she needs for her apartment or to make her comfortable. She may be one of those who don't know that they have dementia. Or she may be in denial about her state. She is not happy there now, but in time will probably adjust, especially if she can make friends there. Visit her as often as you can and take her out for walks or excursioins, if weather permits and if she seems to like it. Attend activities with her, see if she is making friends. Talk to her case manager and see if they can bring in someone to counsel and talk to her (and help her adjust). Try not to feel guilty. Dementia is likely to get worse, and she'll need more care over time. All the best to you and your mother. I hope she feels happier in time.
was it a move from AL to MC in same facility? Tell her it's not anything u did Its a staffing in issue,, or where s bed availablity . I don't decide these things I just need to know if u being taken care of ok. U have everything Need What do u think of this new place,? Maybe there is something she is missing that u could get for her. And I love u mom.
I don't understand the lie controversy. I was told by ADRC staff that I need to understand what reality my dad was living in and do everything in my ability to support the reality he's living in even if it rerequires lying.
For example, my brother asked me not to tell my mom after he passed, because the continual brain loop would just have her ask over and over and she would just receive the same shocking news. I would respond to her that I have not seen him for a while. That was the end of the question.
Thank you
Skip the “…..what did I do….”. If she has dementia she will not grasp the complexities of her needs or yours.
Shift to how much and why you love her, how happy you are that she will be able to meet new friends, how lovely the dining room is, all the pleasant people who will be able to help her…….make a list, and focus on it. If nothing else works you may need to resort to “…….your doctor said…..”.
Bear in mind that adjustment may take more time than you’ll be comfortable with. Expect her to rely on the MC staff to get more comfortable little by little.
Keep in touch with the staff to be able to give her the support she needs.
Ths is one f the hardest adjustments for you too. Be good to yourself.
READ! EVERY WORD I quoted was said to my LO, and EVERY WORD WAS TRUE.
If your experiences vary from mine, STATE THAT.
Thank you 🙂
I meant no harm in my comment.
While we wouldn't "lie" under ordinary circumstances, we will "lie" all day long in an effort to pacify a loved one with dementia and/or to keep them calm and relaxed. That is the only goal we have when caring for a loved one suffering the cruel and inhumane disorder known as dementia.
We can call it 'therapeutic fibs' if we like, or we call it 'lying' or we can call it 'chocolate cake', what's the difference? My mother asked me CONSTANTLY where her mother was, and if she was hiding in the Memory Care ALF she lived in? If I used the logic here on AgingCare we see from time to time about Never Lie To Your Loved One, I would have told her no less than 1,000,000,000 times that her mother was dead and buried in the cemetery and had been since 1985. Which would have had her crying each and every one of the 1,000,000,000 times she asked me about grandma. Dumb thing to do, not to mention Cruel.
So we lie. Like rugs sometimes, in an effort to keep our mom's or dad's happy & content. Period. And it's not a 'horrible thing' or a 'sin' or anything bad at all, but a necessary evil to keep our loved ones calm & happy with the life they're now saddled with. Unfortunately. It's the least we can do to be kind to them.
Rams, no matter what you tell your mom about why she's in the MC, she's going to ask you repeatedly, over & over, that same question until you think you've jumped down some rabbit hole, which in essence, you have. The Dementia Rabbit Hole we're all familiar with and Hate intensely.
Tell mom whatever story you think may work to keep her Calm and Relaxed. That you had to move her into this apartment b/c the other one is infested with mice and needs extermination. Or painting. Or was flooded and needs a new floor. Or or or. It doesn't matter, it's all a Necessary Lie in order to make mom happy and realize she did nothing wrong to be 'sent off' somewhere as punishment.
When mom asked me why she had to live in Memory Care and could not go back to AL which she loved so much, I would tell her that 'her girls' weren't able to care for her properly anymore in AL once she went into a wheelchair (which was actually true). That she needed more one-to-one care than AL could give her, so she had to move into MC; we never discussed 'dementia' b/c mom did not believe she suffered from it at ALL. A/K/A Anosognosia, which is a condition that causes someone to be unaware of their mental health condition and how it affects them. It's common in some conditions, including dementia. So, someone who has been properly diagnosed with dementia, but has anosognosia, doesn't know or believe that they have dementia.
Mom would ask me that same question repeatedly, continuously, day in and day out, and I would answer her in the same way each time.
When it came to 'where is my sister and my brothers' who were all deceased, I had a variety of answers I'd use for that question. They were in Florida b/c it was too cold for them in Colorado. They were on vacation, they were at the store shopping, they were otherwise occupied babysitting their grandchildren, etc etc. Mom's short term memory was shot to the point that she'd forget her question a few minutes after she'd asked it, so the answers I'd give her were irrelevant ANYWAY. They would only need to be repeated again and again shortly afterward.
Wishing you the best of luck coming up with calming answers to give your mother when she's anxiety ridden.
Tell her it's not anything u did
Its a staffing in issue,, or where s bed availablity
. I don't decide these things I just need to know if u being taken care of ok. U have everything Need
What do u think of this new place,?
Maybe there is something she is missing that u could get for her. And I love u mom.
I don't understand the lie controversy. I was told by ADRC staff that I need to understand what reality my dad was living in and do everything in my ability to support the reality he's living in even if it rerequires lying.
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