Mom has 4 delusions now, most costing me and money. How do I handle this?

Your situation sounds similar to mine. I am new to the whole extended caregiving thing. My Mom is also out of state and she constantly complains that she needs help. Every time I reach out to 'try' to help it winds up costing me more money than I can afford, and nothing ever really gets accomplished. I finally got her to a nice facility that provided skilled nursing, and she is anxious, depressed, and needs more help. There are plenty of people around her able to provide the assistance that I'm unable to give, but she is biting at them too. My fear is that she's creating her own personal hell and will never settle down. She has a strong will to power, and this won't work in a place where she needs to let them help her. I also run a business from home that consumes most of my day, so taking her in would ruin my life. Of course she has no support network where she is, and I'm the only person that can help her. I've only really gotten involved in her care for about 4 months, but she could live a dozen more years! I'm already feeling the weight and this journey is just beginning.

Has she been checked for a UTI?

Has she been seen by a geriatric specialist and evaluated? There is medication which can help with delusions. The cognitive test in the doctor's office may not be sufficient. Mother was having delusions but scored well enough on the cognitive test. In fact she was in early stage vascular dementia.

I agree she should be checked for a UTI.

Whatever you do, don’t take her in!

Your mom, as I understand it, is living alone, and you are out of state. What support system does she have where she is?

No one can stop you from pouring money into these bizarre claims but yourself; Mom should pay for her own dental visit. If there is assessment of care needs, and you can afford to help, then have the dentist call to discuss. If you can afford pest control check then pay for it if you wish to. Once. And etc. I know you will understand what to do in these instances in future.

I would suggest that you not take on the POA for your mother if you do not intend to live nearby. It would be impossible with someone who is uncooperative to do from out of state. You may wish to call APS for a wellness check. Dependent on what they report back you may be looking at a visit to mom and arrangements for a good neuro psyc eval. If there is a need for guardianship and placement you can decide if you wish to do this, if there are other family members who may, or if your Mom will need to be a ward of the state.

Meanwhile, don't react to these delusions such as dental care. If your mother is still capable of living alone, then she is capable of her own dental appointments.

I sure wish you the best. Eventually, as this progresses it is going to come to a head. I know you are aware of that. The question then is can you/do you wish to be involved in care, assessment, placement, guardianship and etc. I am so sorry. No one chooses this, and you aren't alone.

Your M is now 84, living alone out of your state. You have been on the site for a couple of years and things have changed, are expensive and getting worse . You “don’t believe" her stories but are “basically her only support”. M is not rational, so what to believe, what to do?

Two options:
1) Find another doctor who will make a more sensible diagnosis of her situation. Then get POA (if you can) and get her into appropriate care to deal with all of this. This will take a visit, probably at least a couple of weeks.
2) Walk away. This situation is very difficult to control, and you don’t seem to be deeply involved emotionally. Let some other authority deal with it.

Work out what YOU are prepared to do, (including paying for delusions). Stop wishing that other people would change – they won’t, and have no incentive to change. You have all our sympathy, whatever choice you make. Just don’t jeopardise your own well being, because your mother’s situation is not able to be solved.

Best wishes, Margaret

Oh how exhausting... 😪

I agree with Alva, if Mom is living alone, then in theory, she should be able to work to solve her issues herself, right?

Would it be possible to move yourself from her 'Chief Fixer' to more like an 'Interested Bystander'?

Any request for you to call research, arrange etc turn the conversation back to what SHE can do about her issues.

Something like;
1. I hope your teeth are better now. What did your Dentist say? What are you planning to do now?
2. Are you still talking to management about this bug problem?
3. I want you to be safe Mom but I live far away. If you do feel unsafe or in danger from your neighbour, what is your plan?
4. Yes I hear you. I support you. I understand you believe this to be true.

Of course DO be vigilant for dangerous delusions & be ready to get some 'boots on the ground' help for her if needed.

Are these delusions fairly new? Or has Mom always been a little anxious/obesssional?

Who goes with her to these doctor appointments when she is assessed? If the answer is "no one, she goes alone" then I personally would not trust that she's even going or that she's telling you what she wants you/everyone to believe.

Job #1 is to get an accurate diagnosis. If someone has gone with her but yet she never gets diagnosed, then switch doctors. Also, record or video her while she's saying and acting in paranoid ways so they have other irrefutable evidence to work from.

Next, do not pander/cater to her paranoid whims like the dentist thing. Make up therapeutic fibs as to why you can't take her (and certainly do not pay for anything). You don't have to argue whether what she believes is true, just don't let it control your time.

I would definitely ask about testing for UTI and talk about medications. Is anyone her PoA? Or Medical Representative? If not, then helping her when she's not cooperative will be very difficult. I wish you success in improving the care arrangement and getting answers!

Stop paying for her insurance.
Stop paying for pest control.
Is someone going to the doctor with her?
In many cases family members just have to wait until there is some possibly catastrophic event that puts into motion the help that is needed.
You can begin by holding off on "help" and letting things begin to unravel. A call to APS then might be a start.
There is a good possibility that the management of the building where she lives is not going to be happy with repeated calls about bugs.

Who manages mom's finances?
Is anyone POA for Health or Finances?
Are you listed on your mom's paperwork at the doctor's office that you can get or give information (HIPAA forms) without your name being on that form they can not give you any information and if you contact them they can get info from you but can not comment on it. The important thing is if you are not on the HIPAA forms if mom ends up in the hospital they can not give you any info..if they even contact you.

I know you are not asking this… but..
I lived in a different state from my mom. I was the sole support for her long distance. If I had realized early on that my mom was starting down the road she was on ,the paranoia , the hallucinations etc…I would have insisted she move by me sooner . ( I had tried numerous times) I finally got her in a memory care by me. And she would have been so much happier if she had just moved.

It does not get better from here.

No one could give you better or more practical advice on your situation than Grandma1954 has given you. Do everything she is telling you to do and not do because she has laid out exactly how you should handle it.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I've seen every kind of dementia, showtiming, and family dynamic there is.
Do what Grandma is telling you.
In the meantime, DO NOT shell out another cent on your mother's delusional nonsense.
In many cases and I think yours in one of them, things will have to get worse before they can get better.

Is Moms PCP giving her these tests? A GP knows a little about everything and a lot about nothing. Your Mom either has Dementia or a mental illness. I always suggest a Neurologist. If Dementia it needs to be determined what type because of medications. Others have suggested Phychiatric Neurologist. Your Mom should not be living alone. Thats not saying she should be living with you but maybe closer.

Have you developed a relationship with any of her friends or neighbors who might be able to advise you when it gets worse? She may be delusional in other areas and doing things that could cause her or others harm.

I once lived next door to a 70-year-old woman, "Faye," who wasn't often at home because she was a caregiver for another elderly woman across town. Suddenly Faye was around more, and she told me that she'd been let go. This made her sad, and she said she was suffering from depression.

Suddenly things started happening - for instance, lipstick marks someone slashed on my white front door. Then the same marks on my car, and they were all the bright fuschia shade that Faye wore. Someone destroyed a neighbor's flowers. Faye called another neighbor and demanded to be rushed to the ER (nothing wrong). She cornered me outside my house and said that she was worried about terrorists taking over a small water pump near the neighborhood pond. This was pre 9/11, and terrorists weren't considered a threat in the US then. Finally Faye's daughter came from another state and took her to a retirement place near her. Some of the other neighbors had told the daughter what was going on. None of us knew what Faye might be capable of next; she was doing aggressive things.

So you might want to cultivate some of your mom's neighbors and gather more info.

have you communicated directly with her doctor? Even if you are not allowed on her HIPAA forms to know her medical information, you absolutely can contact the doctor with your concerns and ask that he look into them. Put all her issues in writing. If he won’t do anything, I’d find another doctor and tell your mother that he’s going to check her out for bug bites or something like that in order to get her there.

Your Mom doesn’t sound like she should be living alone - I would contact Dept of Aging and get their advice if you haven’t. Seroquel worked very well with my Mom’s hallucinations and anxiety- her Neurologist put her on a very small dose right before bed. It took about a month for enough to build up in her system but was worth the wait! She may become easier to deal with but an aide would need to make sure she takes it daily. Your Mom’s doctor doesn’t sound like a team player, so if you can, switch to one who will work with you. I wish you the best- hang in there and don’t abandon your Mom - get help for setting a team in place. Make sure you get support and advice from area agencies.

My x boyfriends mother saw bugs crawling all over. She was taking predisone.

I feel for you, I really do - but mom is delusional and possibly demented and you are walking on eggshells afraid of upsetting her? What’s she going to do if upset …. Stop calling you to complain? You are her only support system … you won’t get rid of her that easily. Mom doesn’t get to be in charge anymore. She won’t like it - but so what?

she’s not safe and will fall before long and that’s when the opportunity to force change comes in. She won’t be released alone with no support or she’s an unsafe discharge. Start looking now at assisted living places with memory care near you. You’ll have to sell her place to afford it. Don’t spend a dime of your own money.

delusional and demented people can only push their loved ones around because we let them. I spent my life in fear of my mother getting upset … my whole childhood revolved around keeping her happy or else she’d have a migraine. Turns out not my job to keep her happy. Complaining is her native tongue and favorite hobby. The last few years I’m now in a much better place because it’s finally occurred to me that keeping her happy is not my job and her lack of support is a direct result of how she is and how she treats people. she has had one psychosomatic ailment after another my entire life and has used these as weapons to control the behavior of everybody around her. Get upset mom … and call me back when you’re over it.

Might not be dementia, might be mental illness. Nice, bright people can suffer from delusions that wax and wane. She needs a diagnosis and treatment that is appropriate to her actual problem. If this is a relatively new onset, she may also need a full neurological evaluation. Brain changes can cause these types of symptoms as can UTIs. If Mom has always had problems, they may be exacerbated with age and other types of debility. A lovely lady I know has frequent behavioral health hospitalizations (2-3/year) for underlying mental illness. When stable she knows she has problems, but then it flares up...

Hello. I wanted to share my situation with my Alzheimer’s-ridden mom who also had paranoid delusions. She’d tell me that my phone was “bugged,” and every time I was on the phone, people were listening in. She told me, essentially, to “Turn down the transistor, sister.” She would tell me that “someone” was stealing her potato chips. I told her that between Hubby, she and me, we just ate the chips over a week or so, but since she didn’t remember nibbling a few chips here or there, theft was the only “logical” explanation. At the beginning of these delusions and accusations, I tried to reason with her, but that went out the window, (along with coffee thieves, who’d syphon her decaf coffee out of her cup, according to her). After a while, I learned either to just go along with things, (at her doc’s suggestion), or make a reasonable excuse for her mindset, like she was overhearing the TV in the background when she thought people were listening and commenting on my phone calls. Sometimes she’d agree with this, and other times, not. I had no idea at the beginning of her diagnosis, that Alzheimer’s could include delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, etc. I thought it was just a memory issue. I thought if my mom ever got Alzheimer’s, I’d just remind her that I was her daughter. OMG, it is often so much more all-encompassing, and all-consuming than that. I could write a book. Speaking of which, I did. At times, I was in such shock over this whole turn of events in our lives, that I started to write down things that happened, and these anecdotes became a book, “My Mother Has Alzheimer’s and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver’s Tale.” (My dog and mom were diagnosed with their respective problems around the same time.) I found writing therapeutic. My mom’s doc told me to try to re-direct the conversation when she’d get stressed, so if she’d accuse someone of something, I should just say, “OK, I’ll deal with it.” Sometimes this would appease her, and sometimes not. These delusions were always minor issues, but majorly unsettling to me at first. I learned that this was part of the disease, and to just go along with it, as best I could. Good luck.

There is medication. My friend’s friend has delusion disorder. She was treated with medication and continues to function normally, working a high end professional job. She is about 64 and has suffered with this about 30 years that I know of. I don’t know if your mom has this but there is treatment if she does.
Wishing you luck.

A neurologist, yes. The problem is getting her there if you are not there to take her. She's already suspicious. Her GP needs to advise and send her to a neurologist. If she passes the memory test in the doctor's office, this might be something else, but certainly the delusions, suspicions, and hallucinations can be caused by dementia. You really need to find someone to advocate for her and she's not going to like it. You can begin with APS and I don't think they have to tell her who called them.

Find another MD who will diagnose her with dementia. If not, you have little to no recourse, legally.

I do not understand why you feel you need to 'fork over more $ on needless situations?"

NO YOU DO NOT NEED TO DO THAT.
You stop.
Period.
And you do not argue about it.

You need to understand WHY you feel a need to give her money for what you say is 'needless.' Once you know what is running you/r behavior, you can make a rational / needed decision: stop.

If you do find another MD to diagnosis her, become her POA and handle all her legal affairs.

Do not argue with her. It is her changing brain that is acting / re-acting to situations she perceives are real.

Keep a journal of daily / onging changes. Show this to the MD, now.
Provide the list you share here with her current MD.

Gena / Touch Matters

Pandabearmama: YOU do not pay for anything; those expenses would come out of your mother's financials. Seek out a different neurologist post haste for a dx as with four delusions, something is amiss.

My mother lived alone in her own place until 2 months before she passed away at 95yo. The isolation of covid during 2022-2021 didn't help matters because she became so isolated from everyone for fear of getting it. Although I would go 1-2 a week, it wasn't enough engagement. And her delusions intensified. Including (not all listed);
--someone was outside her front door at all hours of night - watching her through the peephole. They would ring the front doorbell at 2am or 3am, and when she opened the door, noone was there. I tried to help her understand there was noone there (she lived in an over 55 gated community with security guards at entry gates), I installed motion sensor lights on the walkway to the front door - but nothing helped. (One night she was so frightened that she banged on the interior wall to the neighbor with her walker because she was afraid to use the phone). She even baraicaded the front door with chairs, slowing down 911 responders. And I can't tell you HOW many times she called the police who showed up - 'Frequent caller' - Then
--this delusion turned into someone trying to climb up to her 3rd floor balcony and break in so she had buckets of water sitting all over the balcony (so they would step in it and then fall) In addition
--she was convinced that the people on the tv were watching her (she was watching news stations 12 hours a day) even when the tv was off - listening to her, watching her, seeing her. And
--that there was someone living in the attic above her (I went up and checked and came back with pix showing it was impossible for anyone to live in the small cramped space but didn't help). Even when I used logic to explain there was noway anyone could enter the attic without going through her attic access in the bathroom she imagined they could 'somehow' get in from the outside (not)...
There were nights she wouldn't sleep because of these delusions. There were times she would call me at 2am hysterical about one of these.

Me trying to 'fix' and 'help' her delusions did not make them go away nor make her feel better. And they kept getting worse, more frequent and expanded. Trust me, at this point, NOTHING is going to help except for rx.

I would highly recommend going with her to ALL her doctor appointments. At that age, and with such delusions, they don't always 'hear' everything the doctor is saying, nor do they ask the right questions because they don't think they have a problem. Talk with the doctor about these delusions - there are medications that would help.

You may also need to consider her not being able to live alone anymore. If rx cannot reduce/alleviate these delusions, it will affect her and your quality of life.

This is such a hard stage. When my mom was first diagnosed, she had these delusions as well. She said mouse ran across the floor so we called an exterminator. There was no mouse. She said she couldn't get any sleep because kids were shining lasers into her bedroom window at night. We randomly stayed with her and there was nothing going on. She said all of her mail was getting stolen out of her mail box. I would find the mail hidden in the house. She covered up anything that was illuminated like the time on the microwave or the cordless phone screen. It was always something and I felt like I had to investigate everything because my mind still hadn't caught up with the fact that she was ill. It was not that she intentionally lied, she was just telling me what she truly believed was happening. That's dementia.

Take her to a different doctor that does more comprehensive testing. Tell them about the delusional behavior. If it's not dementia, what is it? Tell them you need a diagnosis. Stop paying for things out of pocket. Use her finances for her dentist/doctor visits. If there isn't already a plan in place for her, start working on one. Get POA paperwork started if she doesn't already have that in place. Get a handle on her finances. Does she have savings, does she have long term care insurance, how much equity is in the home, etc. Is the plan to move her closer to you? If so, start looking into assisted living facilities and get on the waiting list, etc.

Get another doctor who will diagnosed her properly. My Mr. had dementia and he knew how to give “Pat” answers that made him look like he was OK too. We had to engage him in a regular conversation and then ask him what did we say two minutes ago and he couldn’t answer us. Good luck & really, get another doctor - definitely this one is not helping you or her.

Oh my..my mom started out passing cognitive tests yet we knew she was having issues.Non stop calls that EVERYTHING was broken…her clocks, phones, her teeth, dental pain, broken crowns..we never found an issue. We ran to MD appts with imagined issues..went to her home to repair stuff…nothing wrong. About a year later she started hearing voices, seeing 20 ft high fires, seeing children robbing items from her room, hearing music when alone..she was finally diagnosed with Lewy Body. Took me a good year to catch an MD visit when she could not showtime. Her issues are extreme in variation …some days she functions fairly well…other days very poorly. She is now in assisted living. Good Luck. Ps. Lewy body can not tolerate most meds for delusions etc. Thats why it is important to get a doctor to believe what you know is going on. My mom was hospitalized due to meds twice..both nearly fatal..

My mother has become a mean, nasty, critical, delusional, self-centered, and paranoid person. Everyone is against her, including me, and she loves to curse and scream at neighbors she thinks are gossiping about her or looking at her. She thinks almost every doctor doesn't like her or isn't respectful enough to her, and she wants to change to a different doctor or location. She's ready to start a war with everyone.

Last year she was tested for dementia, but we were told she didn’t have it. Brain scan only showed mild, age-typical cerebral atrophy and moderate chronic subcortical white matter disease. Her PCP thinks she possibly has bipolar, but it hasn't been confirmed or diagnosed. I plan to speak to her PCP more about this and see if she can be tested again, not just for dementia, but for other mental diseases.

I suggest having your mom tested for other issues besides dementia. The go-to is always Alzheimer's and dementia, but once the brain starts to go, there could be a number of other problems with her mental and emotional well-being.

Years ago, I “threatened” my husband’s neurologist I was going to make him take my husband home so he could see what is really happening! LOL. If I have a major concern now, I try to make a video on my phone to share. You might video the professionals… dentist, exterminator, etc. giving their all clear report to her with general evaluation and let her watch it later in case she forgets what they told her. While there may be no medication specifically to help, you may want to consult a geriatric pharmacy consultant to see if there might be a better plan for her current medication. Sometimes simply altering the routine can help… time of day can avoid meds contradicting each other, etc. Providers and even regular pharmacists do not always understand how certain meds can affect the elderly differently.

https://www.ascp.com/
https://www.ascp.com/page/custom_directory

Pandabearmama, I got shivers reading your story as it is so very similar to what is happening with my dad! I took him to his internal medicine doc after having called and filled his nurse in ahead of time as to the new onset of symptoms. Dad is now in an independent living senior apartment with AL on same campus, and he is driving these very nice people buggy with his complaints of "voices all night long" that can't be recorded as the people talking are using "high tech blocking devices to prevent his tape recorder from recording." He is markedly hard of hearing with new onset whistling/tinnitus but is usually his scrappy, hard headed self. Now he looks haggard and isn't sleeping and he wanders the halls at night looking for the offenders. I pray he puts on pants. Lordy. Doctor took blood, is testing for UTI, gave him a mild night time sedative to try and is getting him with a neurologist. He is completely oriented and until he starts talking about this stuff you would have no idea something is off. It's clear that he believes it - it is definitely NOT nonsense to him - and I tell him that we will keep looking until we figure something out, but I don't tell him I believe these voices are real. (All that was checked out by staff and no one but him can hear the voices, and nothing on tape recorder he runs until the tape runs out.). I fear that we started on the bumpier part of the road today. Keep us updated and best of wishes to you!