Mom got lost driving, lives alone in a remote area. How do we proceed?

After my mom got lost driving in an area she has known for years and years, I knew things were not right.  It kind of made all of the other weird things that were happening fall into place.  Her getting lost happened on November 15th, by Christmas I made up some story about none of us needing any more "stuff" in our homes and that the gift of health was going to be our gift giving theme this year.  I scheduled her for a mental assessment and she went in for a dementia check.  Included in that was a simulated driving test which she failed.  In our state of Indiana, the doctor is not required to notify the BMV, so I sent a letter to the BMV telling them that she failed a simulated driving test and had been diagnosed with dementia and should not be driving..  The BMV then sent my mom a letter telling her that she needed to come in for a test.  My mom didn't even know where the BMV was...that is how far she had deteriorated and we just didn't see it.  She said she thought she drove just fine and I said ok then you won't have a problem going in for your test at the BMV.  Let me know how that goes for you.  She never went and I sold her car.  I strongly suggest sending a letter to the BMV.  At least you will know you have done your due diligence to keep her and others on the road safe.

- definitely go spend time there in person, at least a week. The more time you spend the more will be revealed about her actual condition and abilities (or lack thereof). You need to be there during the weekdays in case you need to contact social services, bank, attorney, etc.

- although she lives in a very rural area, she is still a danger to OTHERS as a compromised driver. You can probably email the MI DMV anonymously to request she be called in for a driving test. I've done this for 4 seniors in my family in MN and FL.

- putting tracker on her car seems like a good idea? But may be too much work from so far away and you already know she gets lost and is driving at night, so...maybe time to do something that keeps everyone safe.

- be prepared for the recalcitrant attitude. If no one has PoA for her make an attempt to assign someone (so go with blank paperwork in hand). If she refuses to grant it to anyone trustworthy, you can try to explain what will happen if she doesn't have these legal protections in place. You made need to decide about pursuing guardianship over her. This is another whole discussion unto itself. You can call social services and report her as a vulnerable adult and they can pursue guardianship, which means your family will have no say or control over what facility she is placed in.

Good luck, wishing you success in getting the best for your MIL going forward.

I think you the know the answer, your relative is not safe in isolated area and needs to be moved closer to family.
This is the first time you know she has been driving in the dark, because she got lost.
My mom lived in a rural area where she had to drive to get anywhere, we had to move her when she had too many accidents. I lived 8 hours north of her and my brother lived several states away. We went to her house and told her she had to choose who she wanted to live near, but she couldn't stay where she was, it was not safe. Was she upset? Oh yes very much so!!!
We had a situation here, where an elderly lady was having memory issues, but her sons felt she was safe to drive as she only drove locally. One day she set out for the store and didn't return home, a massive search was then put on to locate her. Somehow she have driven over 20 miles from her home and got stuck in blackberry bushes in a very rural area. It was days before they discovered her car and her body was inside. I had thought often, when I hear stories like yours, how scared she must have been, no food or water and how long did it take for her to die. Her sons thought she was safe, even with memory issues, because SHE ONLY DROVE LOCALLY TO THE STORE.
Family members don't want to take some ones license away, how will they get groceries or to appointments, of course the family member is way too busy to take them.
Think about your situation, should the person be driving????

I would suggest having her evaluated for dementia. A neuropsychologist would most likely give the most extensive and accurate examination. A geriatric psychiatrist also would be competent as well. Primary care physicians can perform dementia screenings. Has your mother been consum8ng alcohol for many years? What amount and how often? There is a dementia related to chronic alcohol abuse. It is Korsikoff's dementia. It goes without saying that the drinking and driving needs to stop immediately. If she refuses to relinquish the keys, remove the distributor cap. It is not fair to place innocent people at risk because of her behavior.

My MIL lives in a remote area in Northern Lower Michigan. She widowed about 10 years ago and since has a reclusive lonesome lifestyle, YOUR WRITING, NOT MINE...

How lonely is that? Get her into a place with some activity, near you. Lose the car..

Don't contact the doctor, just move her. It doesn't mean you cannot take her to your home for family visits...Its almost the holidays, what was her favorite Thanksgiving plate or desert that she made? Get family involved, and enjoy this time with her, safe, near you, where she doesn't need to feel she has to drive...

START LOOKING NOW FOR A NEW PLACE FOR MOM NEAR YOU... PERIOD.

Then contact the doctor to give them your address for correspondence. Change her banking address to your home... Are you or spouse on the account? If not, put it on while she has some wit about it.

And remember: This is very important: Everyone wants to "Go home". My elders said it, and I saw it on a PBS show just the other day... Go Home, is a normal ritual saying among the elderly, especially with dementia and ALZ... It is okay. Make sure they have music, and happiness around them from time to time. Do take them home with you to spend the afternoon... Do take them out for a picnic if the weather is cooperating... Nice Park, picnic bench, and a basket of munchies or sandwiches,.... Make your meetings happy...

It's very hard to help people when they don't ask or accept help. This may or may not be your future here.

Do you chat on the phone well? Could you have a *are you ok?* chat about her life, how things are, get a feel for if there is a drinking problem. "You know Mom, I got a scare that time got lost. Were you ok? Is there anything worrying you? You know I'm here". Pave the way for her to ask for help. You know her personality - if that approach would work?

On a different tack: I got lost driving my old car to my mechanic years ago. 20 min drive but 50 mins & still circling around side roads. Stopped to get street directory out of boot (olden days, pre gps) & wow! Car was full of fumes! Got to mechanic with all 4 windows down. Mechanic said exhust was going straight into car - causing confusion.

Just a thought - how old is her car? Has it had a service lately?

There maybe a few solutions. 1. move her closer. 2. make her promise she wont drive at night. 3. cross your fingers. 4. hire an aid who will do her driving and errands for her a couple times per week, during the day. One of you will not find any of the solutions convenient but as long as she is competent and able to make decisions, your choices are limited. Good luck to you.

You know what the long term answer is, but that is going to take some time to achieve. In the short term I would be investing in a device with GPS tracker, both for the car and a mobile phone, presuming of course there is phone service in this remote area. One of those beacons that go into boats might be useful. I dont believe there are devices to put around the neck ... yet ... but a device in the car would at least give a starting point in a search if this woman was missing.

Putting a gps tracker on the car does not mean she is driving safely or making good decisions on the road.  If she has forgotten where she is, what else has she forgotten?  How is her reaction time?  She shouldn't be driving. period.  Don't let an accident that could harm her or other innocent people be the deciding factor for you.

aworridson..does not seem to have been back since his post in October.
I hope with the cold winter and given she is in a remote area this has been resolved.
I always hate to hear on the news about someone with dementia that gets "lost" and is not found until it is to late.
I would love to find out if there has been a resolution to this situation

My Dad had this issue. He was the only driver for both him and Mom.

I went there to find out what was really going on.

he was not going to quit driving, and I understood the problem since there was NO bus service and taxis didn’t like coming all the way out to their area.. (pre Uber).

I found an friend of a family friend who would drive. I set up a schedule for routine pickup and drop off at set days and times...so Grocery shopping, doctor appointments, library and mall visits could be covered. I arranged the bill payment to be via $200 per month deposited to her account, and then she would send me detail billing and I would cover whatever else needed to be taken care of. (Just easier for them to have a fixed cost.)

Dad would not stop driving. At least Mom was not in the car. But, then one day...I just scrambled the distributor cables. Car would not start. Talked this over with a family friend...made a plan to call the friend pretending it was a tow company. Told my dad the tow company would be out to take it to garage. I made up excuses why it was taking so long...meanwhile, Dad was using the ride service I had set up.
Well, when the insurance bill arrived.... he refused to pay and and just sold the car. He found out how convenient the ride service was, so he gave up driving.