Mom got lost driving, lives alone in a remote area. How do we proceed?

My Dad had this issue. He was the only driver for both him and Mom.

I went there to find out what was really going on.

he was not going to quit driving, and I understood the problem since there was NO bus service and taxis didn’t like coming all the way out to their area.. (pre Uber).

I found an friend of a family friend who would drive. I set up a schedule for routine pickup and drop off at set days and times...so Grocery shopping, doctor appointments, library and mall visits could be covered. I arranged the bill payment to be via $200 per month deposited to her account, and then she would send me detail billing and I would cover whatever else needed to be taken care of. (Just easier for them to have a fixed cost.)

Dad would not stop driving. At least Mom was not in the car. But, then one day...I just scrambled the distributor cables. Car would not start. Talked this over with a family friend...made a plan to call the friend pretending it was a tow company. Told my dad the tow company would be out to take it to garage. I made up excuses why it was taking so long...meanwhile, Dad was using the ride service I had set up.
Well, when the insurance bill arrived.... he refused to pay and and just sold the car. He found out how convenient the ride service was, so he gave up driving.

aworridson..does not seem to have been back since his post in October.
I hope with the cold winter and given she is in a remote area this has been resolved.
I always hate to hear on the news about someone with dementia that gets "lost" and is not found until it is to late.
I would love to find out if there has been a resolution to this situation

Putting a gps tracker on the car does not mean she is driving safely or making good decisions on the road.  If she has forgotten where she is, what else has she forgotten?  How is her reaction time?  She shouldn't be driving. period.  Don't let an accident that could harm her or other innocent people be the deciding factor for you.

You know what the long term answer is, but that is going to take some time to achieve. In the short term I would be investing in a device with GPS tracker, both for the car and a mobile phone, presuming of course there is phone service in this remote area. One of those beacons that go into boats might be useful. I dont believe there are devices to put around the neck ... yet ... but a device in the car would at least give a starting point in a search if this woman was missing.

There maybe a few solutions. 1. move her closer. 2. make her promise she wont drive at night. 3. cross your fingers. 4. hire an aid who will do her driving and errands for her a couple times per week, during the day. One of you will not find any of the solutions convenient but as long as she is competent and able to make decisions, your choices are limited. Good luck to you.

It's very hard to help people when they don't ask or accept help. This may or may not be your future here.

Do you chat on the phone well? Could you have a *are you ok?* chat about her life, how things are, get a feel for if there is a drinking problem. "You know Mom, I got a scare that time got lost. Were you ok? Is there anything worrying you? You know I'm here". Pave the way for her to ask for help. You know her personality - if that approach would work?

On a different tack: I got lost driving my old car to my mechanic years ago. 20 min drive but 50 mins & still circling around side roads. Stopped to get street directory out of boot (olden days, pre gps) & wow! Car was full of fumes! Got to mechanic with all 4 windows down. Mechanic said exhust was going straight into car - causing confusion.

Just a thought - how old is her car? Has it had a service lately?

START LOOKING NOW FOR A NEW PLACE FOR MOM NEAR YOU... PERIOD.

Then contact the doctor to give them your address for correspondence. Change her banking address to your home... Are you or spouse on the account? If not, put it on while she has some wit about it.

And remember: This is very important: Everyone wants to "Go home". My elders said it, and I saw it on a PBS show just the other day... Go Home, is a normal ritual saying among the elderly, especially with dementia and ALZ... It is okay. Make sure they have music, and happiness around them from time to time. Do take them home with you to spend the afternoon... Do take them out for a picnic if the weather is cooperating... Nice Park, picnic bench, and a basket of munchies or sandwiches,.... Make your meetings happy...

My MIL lives in a remote area in Northern Lower Michigan. She widowed about 10 years ago and since has a reclusive lonesome lifestyle, YOUR WRITING, NOT MINE...

How lonely is that? Get her into a place with some activity, near you. Lose the car..

Don't contact the doctor, just move her. It doesn't mean you cannot take her to your home for family visits...Its almost the holidays, what was her favorite Thanksgiving plate or desert that she made? Get family involved, and enjoy this time with her, safe, near you, where she doesn't need to feel she has to drive...

I would suggest having her evaluated for dementia. A neuropsychologist would most likely give the most extensive and accurate examination. A geriatric psychiatrist also would be competent as well. Primary care physicians can perform dementia screenings. Has your mother been consum8ng alcohol for many years? What amount and how often? There is a dementia related to chronic alcohol abuse. It is Korsikoff's dementia. It goes without saying that the drinking and driving needs to stop immediately. If she refuses to relinquish the keys, remove the distributor cap. It is not fair to place innocent people at risk because of her behavior.

I think you the know the answer, your relative is not safe in isolated area and needs to be moved closer to family.
This is the first time you know she has been driving in the dark, because she got lost.
My mom lived in a rural area where she had to drive to get anywhere, we had to move her when she had too many accidents. I lived 8 hours north of her and my brother lived several states away. We went to her house and told her she had to choose who she wanted to live near, but she couldn't stay where she was, it was not safe. Was she upset? Oh yes very much so!!!
We had a situation here, where an elderly lady was having memory issues, but her sons felt she was safe to drive as she only drove locally. One day she set out for the store and didn't return home, a massive search was then put on to locate her. Somehow she have driven over 20 miles from her home and got stuck in blackberry bushes in a very rural area. It was days before they discovered her car and her body was inside. I had thought often, when I hear stories like yours, how scared she must have been, no food or water and how long did it take for her to die. Her sons thought she was safe, even with memory issues, because SHE ONLY DROVE LOCALLY TO THE STORE.
Family members don't want to take some ones license away, how will they get groceries or to appointments, of course the family member is way too busy to take them.
Think about your situation, should the person be driving????

- definitely go spend time there in person, at least a week. The more time you spend the more will be revealed about her actual condition and abilities (or lack thereof). You need to be there during the weekdays in case you need to contact social services, bank, attorney, etc.

- although she lives in a very rural area, she is still a danger to OTHERS as a compromised driver. You can probably email the MI DMV anonymously to request she be called in for a driving test. I've done this for 4 seniors in my family in MN and FL.

- putting tracker on her car seems like a good idea? But may be too much work from so far away and you already know she gets lost and is driving at night, so...maybe time to do something that keeps everyone safe.

- be prepared for the recalcitrant attitude. If no one has PoA for her make an attempt to assign someone (so go with blank paperwork in hand). If she refuses to grant it to anyone trustworthy, you can try to explain what will happen if she doesn't have these legal protections in place. You made need to decide about pursuing guardianship over her. This is another whole discussion unto itself. You can call social services and report her as a vulnerable adult and they can pursue guardianship, which means your family will have no say or control over what facility she is placed in.

Good luck, wishing you success in getting the best for your MIL going forward.

After my mom got lost driving in an area she has known for years and years, I knew things were not right.  It kind of made all of the other weird things that were happening fall into place.  Her getting lost happened on November 15th, by Christmas I made up some story about none of us needing any more "stuff" in our homes and that the gift of health was going to be our gift giving theme this year.  I scheduled her for a mental assessment and she went in for a dementia check.  Included in that was a simulated driving test which she failed.  In our state of Indiana, the doctor is not required to notify the BMV, so I sent a letter to the BMV telling them that she failed a simulated driving test and had been diagnosed with dementia and should not be driving..  The BMV then sent my mom a letter telling her that she needed to come in for a test.  My mom didn't even know where the BMV was...that is how far she had deteriorated and we just didn't see it.  She said she thought she drove just fine and I said ok then you won't have a problem going in for your test at the BMV.  Let me know how that goes for you.  She never went and I sold her car.  I strongly suggest sending a letter to the BMV.  At least you will know you have done your due diligence to keep her and others on the road safe.

My 72 year old mother got lost going to the beauty shop which she had been going for years. As she called to let me know she was lost her car died. Luckily she had AAA road assistance. I live in town but was at work at the time. I placed a GPS tracker on her car then I placed the app on her phone. So it would alert me when she ventured outside of her home driving. I would also suggest a facebook video or something that you could physically see her during calls that is mature adult friendly that was you can get a first eye view on the drinking situation.

In Ohio a doctor can order a driving test that determines if they keep their license . It removes it from the family. If she fails , sell the car. There is go go grandpa driving services and many areas have elderly transportation. Check out your local senior care agency, they may be able to direct you about what is available

That was the start of Alzheimers for my Mom and the start of her losing her driving privileges. She is going to soon need someone to look after her.

It's hard to figure out what is really going on without putting some eyes and ears in the house with her. And if you can't get info out of the neighbors, it's time to make and extended visit yourself or another family member. It has to be done. What you see there is going to give you the real picture of how to proceed.

She may be showing symptoms of Alzheimer's. Getting lost when driving to a familiar place is the first sign. She needs to see a neurologist and she doesn't get to call the shots as to when she needs to be seen by a specialist. Prayers sent to you.

Getting lost while driving to a familiar place is a classic sign of Stage 3 Alzheimer's-type dementia. It does not matter what the "cause" is - be it alcoholism, Parkinson's disease, cerebrovascular disease, etc. - but it is NOT normal to become lost while driving in very familiar territory, such as going to a familiar store - even if it's dark and one's vision is not as acute as before.

Others have given many good suggestions - such as making a more extended visit to her house. Take a good survey of what is going on. See if she might have many unpaid bills lying around, still in their envelopes, for example and unopened mail or unread newspapers. (That was the first clue that something was VERY wrong with my father - because the man had been meticulous about finances previously.) Is there a lot of outdated or spoiled food in her refrigerator? Is she taking care of her pets? Inability to do those things can be a sign of inability to live alone.

What could be done in the meantime is to hire a home aide a couple of hours daily under the guise of "assisting her with household tasks" - and have that person provide you with reports of your mother's behavior, cognitive status, ability to manage things, etc.

I also agree with the suggestions of putting a GPS tracking device on her vehicle and also on her cell phone (if she has one).

Worried son,

Lots of good advice given here about your situation. This will take some boots on the ground. You need to see what is going on, is it dementia or alcohol or both? Do you need to move mom near you?

I lived 12 hours away from my folks when dad started developing dementia. I put a GPS device on his car and watched his every move for 2 years. When he started wandering and getting lost I stepped in and ended the driving. Mom was already in assited living at this point and dad joined her a few days later. It was a kicking screaming mess but it’s what I had to do to keep them safe.

My mom started getting lost while driving. She’d also lose her car and call the police and report it stolen. A kind neighbor called and told me that my mom was acting confused and odd. Since I lived a 1000 miles away I didn’t realize she was in a downward slide. Even though I talked to her 2 times a week on the phone I had no clue she was indeed in crisis mode. I went to visit and the first few days I didn’t notice anything weird about her other than her house was a total cluttered mess. But by day 3 when she let me borrow her car to go meet a friend, and within an hour I received a distressed phone call from her telling me someone had stolen her car, did I realize my mom has a serious problem. This said I’m confirming what someone else said on this thread. You have to spend more than a few hours to be able to diagnose the severity of their issue. With my mom’s situation, I ended up flying back home to Colorado, getting my affairs in order, grabbing my dogs and driving back across the country to move in with mom for a few months. That gave me the time needed to access her, get her to a neurologist, a lawyer for POA and find her a place to live in an independent senior home. I then cleared out her house, sold it and this helped give her the cash flow to live in her new place.
My situation was pleasantly unique because my mom wanted to move into a senior living place. She was extremely lonely living by herself, had some clarity that she was mentally failing and wanted to be some place safe. I placed her in independent living because she demanded I give her a chance to live an unstigmatized lifestyle. She lived that way until she couldn’t. The senior place was well aware of my mom’s decline so it wasn’t a secret.
If your MIL can use a cell phone, god bless her. She probably isn’t in dire need of extreme action yet. Cell phones are still rather recent additions in this world so people with dementia usually forget how to use them early in their decline.
I really hope your MIL just has cataracts. My very best to you and your family.

Aworriedson, As a relative newbie on this site, I am somewhat dismayed at some of the responses. Your post, like my first one, was brief and left out many details. My mom frequently got lost when she was in her late 50s and early 60s. She was not diagnosed with dementia/Alz until her mid 80s. There are some steps that you should take, but, based on your post, I don't understand the reaction of many that this is a crisis. So here are my suggestions (some of which you may have already addressed):

1) A visit, to do a first-hand assessment, needs to happen. concurrent with that visit, I would schedule an appt with her doc near the end of the visit. The docs assessment may very well require a referral for further assessment from a specialist...or at least that was our experience with our mom.

2) Start doing some research on devices to assist your MIL...a smart phone would likely have gotten her home, a smart watch can detect a fall, etc.

3) If not already in place, contact an attorney and get all the legal documents in place for you/your wife to be able to help your MIL when it becomes necessary.

Elderly care is now a big business. There are so many opportunities, but there are also a ton of obstacles. I am 3.5-4 hours away from my mom. My sisters provide primary care and I go down once a month for a week or so to give them a break. It is not easy when they are not close by.

Prayers and peace to you and yours that you'll find workable solutions for your MIL.

My first thought is cataracts. Has she had them removed? If not, and she is over 70, it is likely that she has very poor night vision and this needs to be addressed. The alcohol is a completely different issue. Both of these need to be investigated before assuming dementia. There are also many other health issues that she may not be taking care of due to her remote location, ignorance or embarrassment, like a UTI, poorly controlled HTN or diabetes. These can all cause symptoms of dementia. Does she have a primary care doctor nearby? Does that PCP know her? Is the PCP competent? Does anyone in the family have a medical POA? Or at least a HIPPAA waiver so you can talk with any medical professional who sees and treats her? Start with getting a legal way to help her "if she needs it" and go from there. Get her diagnosed before starting to make decisions. The recommendation to spend some time with her to see for yourselves what is going on is a good one, especially if you think she is abusing alcohol. If needed you can report her anonymously to the state motor vehicle administration. They will have requirements that she must then meet to prove she is safe to drive, including a medical evaluation and a cognitive screening. It sounds like the driving is just the beginning. This all gets more difficult with age, and now is the time to start planning for driving cessation. "Mom, what if you are hurt in a fall and can't drive for an extended period of time. These things happen to everyone as they age. We want you to move closer so that we can help take care of you." Best of luck!

One of the first things I’d do urgently, if she uses a cell phone, is to get the app called Life360. Put it on her phone and yours and make sure she keeps her phone charged and with her at all times. Then YOU know exactly where she is. If she gets lost you can see where she is and give her instructions on how to get home. I agree that driving after dark is harder when eyesight is not quite as good and probably one of the first things to avoid if possible. Familiar landmarks don’t look the same and are easily missed. This can give the perception of dementia when it’s actually more of an eyesight problem. This was a godsend for my sister and me with our Mom when she was still driving. Most of the time it was just to reassure my sister about where Mom was but occasionally she did get “lost” after dark and need instructions to get back home. Much less of a problem during daylight. But even going outside for a walk you will know where she is.

I agree that if at all possible someone needs to go and spend some time there with her on a “visit”. Assess the situation properly. Of course there is the possibility that she may do much better with someone in the house keeping her company. But it might make her realise her vulnerability and be more willing to move somewhere less remote like a retirement village or AL.

I would have to admit that I dread driving in the dark now as it is so much easier to find my way in the day light. Encourage Your Mom to avoid driving
after dark and see how She manages. If however You discover Your Mom is
drinking and driving then take the keys of the motor car away with You and
decide then on relocating Mom.

Suggest she stop driving at night. Vision changes can make night time driving difficult. Is she able to handle a GPS device in her car? We got one for my mom to use now - before her memory goes.

If you can not get her to relocate where it would be safer for her is it possible to get a program like Meals on Wheels to come daily to bring a meal and at least someone would be checking on her.
Unfortunately many moves happen when a catastrophic event happens.
She falls, and 2 things possible she can call 911 or you or she remains on the floor and when she is found it is to late to help.
She gets lost, 2 things possible a neighbor helps or she freezes in a field.

Is it possible to install cameras in the house so you can monitor her? A GPS tracking on her phone and car so you can locate her if necessary? The best option would be to remove the car. She should not be driving if Alcohol is involved and or some form of dementia.

If she will not move you have 3 options.
1.) Leave things the way they are and hope for the best
2.) Get a Caregiver that will come in. How long would depend on what she needs. Could be a few hours now but know it will become a 24/7/365 job at some point.
3.) Begin Guardianship procedures so that you can force the move

Maybe you can bring her for a visit and evaluate her or visit her

I know someone's mom who lived at home "at her insistence" by herself, and she fell and was on the ground for days before someone noticed something was odd and called the police. she had no dementia..but that fall ended up killing her. What happened is her wounds *from the fall* got infected with superbugs while in the hospital, she ended up dead.

I warned the daughter not to leave her alone..she did..because she says her mom refused to move from her home. Well--now she's dead.

Adult Elderly Protective Services Here, Dear, If it is More so Now...A Fear. You know what is Going on Here, Dear, They may Need too Now to Know.

You either have her live with you or impound her in a nursing home. She is not safe alone. Period.

One day she will fall, maybe even break a hip or something and she will have no means of help, and just lay there and suffer. It happens all the time.

It's probably better if you get her and have her live with you until you can organize nursing home placement..or decide to keep her.

If she refuses, you better call 911 and have her Baker Acted. She is NOT SAFE by herself. Do NOT let her be by herself.

You better act fast. Her life depends on it. Falls happen REALLY fast.