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This is so heartbreaking for me right now. We have to sell my Mom's house to pay for assisted living and I live with her now. She is getting paranoid, thinks I am trying to "put her away" ect. I wanted her to stay in her own home but the other siblings decided AL was the way to go and I went with the majority. Truthfully I was getting burned out but I got very little respite for the 3 years I have been her caregiver. Now my sibs have arranged for a beautiful and very expensive AL for her but she does not want to go and is blaming it on me. I cannot tell her that I would be willing to stay but was not getting any respite or help from my sibs because she would not understand. When I realized that my brother and sister were benefiting from me being her caregiver but were not providing any financial or respite care I told them either pay up, give me respite or I quit. They choose the assisted living option, probably so they would not have to hear me bitch anymore about not getting any relief from Mom. So for 3 more weeks I have to bear the brunt of her anger while my sis is on vacation and my brother visits rarely.

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Had enough, you have gotten some very good advice hear. I have been a care giver for 26 years and counting. my husband and I took his father in after he fell at his home and he never left us until he died 15 years ago. He was a wonderful addition to our young family of 5 at first but as time passed he developed Alzheimer's and 12 years later died with us surrounded by family. My mother was watching and just like everything else my maiden family saw how Pop died and it was decided that mom would go with us because we were experienced and ALREADY had the SET UP. At the time 14 years ago i was younger and had more energy to perform the rigorous work load of caregiving. I was already the Co-Trustee of our family business with my mom so we had a very easy understanding of each other. After 10 years of living with us she slowly developed dementia and started to demand i make horrible business decisions, I had to fight our attorneys at time and siblings because it wasn't "DOCUMENTED" yet that she had dementia.Long story short i have Hospice coming daily because I didn't get help from my 9 sibling either. Mom has had 4 heart events and when she is actually having pain she is telling me what a bad job I'm doing, it use to kill me to hear what she was saying and them my husband told me I needed to read about dementia, so i found a book called ELDER RAGE. It saved my life. That was 3 years ago, i still struggle with my siblings and how lame they have been. Today i keep looking forward, planning my recovery. The hole hospice experience has been wonderful for mom and me. Hospice helps me as the caregiver remember to consider me and my health needs. The only regret that i have about being a caregiver is how seriously it aged me and my husband. Don't look back keep remembering you did your time.
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Had enough, everyone else has said it already. You and your siblings are doing the right thing for you mom. She'll adjust. Hugs to you.
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As hard and difficult as it is at times we must take the high road. I have found I need a couple of days to digest information so hopefully I can keep a clear head and not react immediately with anger or hurt feelings. Just as we take care of our children we need to take care of our elderly - that is what enlightened civilizations are supposed to do - in a perfect world anyway. Hang in there all you caregivers, I send you loving thoughts on a daily basis!
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Sorry - I meant to give you advice before posting my experience with my Dad... I am a very exhausted, burnt out caregiver like you are. I feel for you and what you've been going through. When my Dad was in the hospital (before placement in care home), he was making comments to family members about me being the 'new home owner'... I know he thinks I just want to sell his house and take the money. But as usual, I let him take his anger out on me. I'm so used to it which is also sad in a way. My Dad's house is also a financial burden on me. I'm also on the mortgage so when he was withdrawing all his pension money due to being paranoid about me stealing his money, I would cover the mortgage payment on top of my own rent and bills... I can go on and on but this has been a learning experience. The main thing is that we need to empathize with our parents who are losing their independence and self dignity when being placed in AL or LTC etc... They take out their anger on the ones they love the most. It's so hard to take but just try to remember your parents the way they used to be... Hugs to everyone!
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My Dad was placed in a long term care facility last Thursday. He is not able to love independently anymore (early dementia, severe depression). My Mom passed away 2 years ago and since then he's been very depressed and angry. All of his anger has been directed at me. I know he's blaming me for everything that has happened to him but I'm not taking it personally. He has refused to eat or drink water and has refused all medications for the past 5 days. I am stressed out and so sad about this... I'm trying to stay positive and hope that he will adjust to being in the care home. I was feeling guilty for my decisions but there's no way I can take care of him now. I'm an only child but thank God my cousins and family are helping me as much as they can. To all of you going through similar situations - be strong and never feel guilty for anything that you do...
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*Applause*Applause*Applause* !!! For sticking up for yourself and doing the tough thing -- and, honestly? It sounds like the right thing.

I'll pass along what the elder care attorney told me last week. Maybe it will resonate with you: "Maggie, you've got to do what you know is right. Listen to your moral compass. You'll never be sorry. If mom is mad at you right now, take courage and strength in knowing you're doing the loving thing, not the wrong thing."

And remember this: your mom most certainly has some level of dementia. Her anger will pass. Help her transition . . . visit with her often . . . and sleep well at night knowing you're a loving daughter who went far beyond what most people in this world would do. *Hugs*
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Thank you Sunflo2, you gave such good and loving advice. For me it will be tight financially but I have always lived that way so no big deal. I see the light coming on in my brothers eyes regarding the cost and what they are taking on but sis is on one of her numerous vacations but will be back in a couple of weeks. Just observing for now, keeping a thick skin and those broad shoulders. Many hugs to you....
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You are a saint for all you've done and I'm sorry mom is giving you a hard time and aiming her paranoia at you. You are the convenient one and tHe one she "thinks is making all the decisions". You can't convince her otherwise, and to be honest, probably if the sibs tried to tell her that it was really their decision and not yours, she'd still blame you because elders if they have some dementia just tend to do that. My mom accuses me whenever anything goes wrong, is misplaced, lost or the dr questions --I'm always to blame or responsible for all ills. I don't take it personally anymore and have grown broad shoulders.

Be positive about this as deep down you know it's time. Don't worry about the money sounds like mom is pretty well covered.

I hope you have some money or savings, so that you can afford a new home since you said you lived and cared for mom.

Remain the good daughter you've always been. Don't shut the sibs out and they will learn soon enough, try not to say I told you so, but don't jump to their rescue either when they see the real costs. Reply "I can't chip in because I already gave when I was caring full time".
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People think that you just pay a check and move into assisted living. Far from the case. There has to be a MD evaluation, nursing assessment and multiple pages of paperwork. The cost per month is always going to be higher than what you are originally told. I tried to tell this to my sibs but they think they know it all. I have been doing research for 3 years while living here so I am much better qualified regarding the costs ect of AL but I have given up. My Mom will have enough money to last her about 6 years after we sell the house then it will be my siblings responsibility to come up with the cost. I was willing to stay here with her and have given up 3 years of my own life so I am done. Just planning on visiting my Mom and hopefully we will have a good relationship after all this is over and now my sister can take over.
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I hope you have counted the cost of this AL. And if her money runs out--do they accept Medicaid? Maybe your sibs have already figured it all out.....I hope so.
But it wouldn't be a bad idea to plan on her getting to be 100 yrs old, and plan for increasing costs (AL goes up 5% per year, plus they charge a lot extra for medication management, tray to their room, nail trims, etc).
One place I visited with my Mom & Dad 5 yrs ago was $3500/month rent, but I asked the salesperson, What does the average person really spend per month? They said, Oh they always spend more than that, usually ends up being $5-6,000/month.
Also remember they will still want to buy things outside of the AL, give gifts, go on vacation (maybe not your mom), but my point is, the monthly rent national average $3500/month is not everything! Far from it.
If they currently have housing/food expenses $1,000/month like most seniors who own their home free & clear, and don't eat fancy, it's a huge (more than triple) increase in living expenses to make an Irreversible move to ALF.
Your might have already gotten locked into this situation but I hope the finances arr well-positioned---to the tune of $60,000 per year and climbing. Most people just don't have that in home equity and/or savings.
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Thanks to both of you. You are both spot on and obviously have experience with this type of situation. I think that this site has been the only place where people truly understand the hard decisions we make about our loved ones. If I had not had this loving site to come to after many hard days I think I would have lost my mind. The journey of August is going to be interesting. Hugs to all
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Sell it, because if you don't she will constantly demand to go back there. We gave away all the furniture to family members, none of it was "good" furniture anymore. Yet she insists she will go back there, even threatening to call a cab. She thinks all her stuff is still there, even though she told us to get rid of it. She just does not remember anymore.
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Hadenough, your siblings are doing the right thing. If you had to go into a 4th year, 5th year, 6th year, etc. with Caregiving you would be so burnt out, you yourself would need a Caregiver. I don't think your Mom would want that for her child, even though now she might not understand the reasoning behind it.

I think our parents always were under the impression that a "rest home" or "nursing home" was some dark dank place with unkind faces. The ones I have visited in my area are bright, happy, delightful places to live. And who knows, your Mom might find someone there who she knew years ago :)
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