We want to make sure the caretakers show us what our mother is giving away. She doesn't remember what she's given and the caretakers happily take beautiful items that we'd like to know about.
Any any residential nursing home or any facility I was at you were not allowed to take anything from anyone. If they did you had to give it to your supervisor and report it. I had a lady once that was handing out $100 bills in the dining room and the kids were taking it. I was Furious I said you can't take her money. I got some of it back but I can't believe people would take anything. Put a note in your mother's room that if your mother gives anything away they are not allowed to take it! End of story. What will continue is what we allow. I learned that the hard way play good luck
You you know I have to laugh because my grandmother made afghans for everybody in our family. So we would have something to remember her by. I was 9 years old and I was visiting a nearby neighbor that I put the Afghan in my wagon stop at the lady's house he always used to give me cookies. And she complimented the Afghan. She said she wanted one just like that. So I gave it to her. She said really I said yeah my mother doesn't care I can give away lots of stuff she always does and she goes okay and I went on my way. Then the next day the lady came to my house with the Afghan and my mother opened the door and she goes a little absolutely beautiful and she went on to say how her mother crocheted Afghans all different for everybody. Because that's a real pretty one and the lady goes do you like it? And my said yes. And she goes good you can have it if your your daughter gave it to me earlier LOL they laughed I'm not sure but I think my grandmother ended up making her one. That's just a nice story to lighten up give us a little laugh between all the pain of loving our family
There are 3 important things missing in the comments here. As a former prosecutor who has investigated and prosecuted hundreds of these cases, I can tell you what they are: 1. a person can give a gift, at 25 or 105, if they have the requisite mental capacity to do so. Sometimes, a doctor's assessment is necessary to help make that decision. If they don't have sufficient capacity to understand the transfer, it is not 'voluntary.' 2. a person's possessions do not 'belong' to the family/children - at any age. Many folks choose to leave things to family - some do not. Either decision is up to them - and OK - if #1 is satisfied. 3. If an older adult is impaired - their beneficiaries do not get property early. Even if they are impaired. 4. These questions can be addressed early - with advance planning.
I think everything has probably been covered here, including the fact that if Mom does have her faculties giving gifts of her possessions is her prerogative. It gets a bit more fuzzy though as she needs more help and while living in the present doesn’t have enough short term memory or determination that a specific item should go to a specific person to remember what she has given to whom. I may have missed the info but I don’t see info about how you know she is giving things to caregivers. Are they telling you, is she or do you simply know things are missing?
if it makes her happy to give gifts of her possessions in the moment and she is intimidating this, first take heart that she feels that close and great full to her caregiver since that probably means the person is doing a great job as far as your mom is concerned. But beyond that I think I would simply take the “rescue this great person” approach and say you know Mom has been putting them in a tough position by trying to give them gifts but it makes Mom so happy because you are so special to her so rather than turn the gifts down you have set up a system (the spot to leave them another poster mentioned) or if mom really doesn’t remember from one hour to the next have them simply put the item in a different spot and if mom notices and remembers giving it to Sally the excuse can just be that Sally forgot it as she was leaving. This lets the caregivers know you know when things are missing and or that Mom reports giving things away to you but it doesn’t accuse them of anything or threaten with reporting anything, rather it takes their side, at least to a certain point.
If however you feel the caretakers are taking advantage and will continue even with notice that you know what’s going on, well that’s a whole different story. If mom is aware enough to know she is doing this and remembers what she has given away you could always say something like, “oh that’s nice, I’m so happy you are liking Sally so much but I know Jane (family members) has always loved that salt shaker and I had in the back of my mind that it would go to her when the time came. Maybe you should check with me next time you want to do give something special to a non family member just so you can decide who should have it if there is someone else I know has a special fondness for it”. I wouldn’t insist she not give anything to the people in her life she appreciates often it gives us pleasure as we age to pass along items when we know they are going to others who appreciate them the same way and you want her to feel comfortable consulting or telling you first not sneaking things because she thinks you will object to everything. I would agree with giving little things that don’t mean much to you or other family members and maybe even find a substitute for things she wants to give if they are items that are special to you but keeping in mind of course any written rules if they come from a service and make the distinction clear with them.
As a former prosecutor who has investigated and prosecuted hundreds of these cases, I can tell you what they are:
1. a person can give a gift, at 25 or 105, if they have the requisite mental capacity to do so. Sometimes, a doctor's assessment is necessary to help make that decision. If they don't have sufficient capacity to understand the transfer, it is not 'voluntary.'
2. a person's possessions do not 'belong' to the family/children - at any age. Many folks choose to leave things to family - some do not. Either decision is up to them - and OK - if #1 is satisfied.
3. If an older adult is impaired - their beneficiaries do not get property early. Even if they are impaired.
4. These questions can be addressed early - with advance planning.
if it makes her happy to give gifts of her possessions in the moment and she is intimidating this, first take heart that she feels that close and great full to her caregiver since that probably means the person is doing a great job as far as your mom is concerned. But beyond that I think I would simply take the “rescue this great person” approach and say you know Mom has been putting them in a tough position by trying to give them gifts but it makes Mom so happy because you are so special to her so rather than turn the gifts down you have set up a system (the spot to leave them another poster mentioned) or if mom really doesn’t remember from one hour to the next have them simply put the item in a different spot and if mom notices and remembers giving it to Sally the excuse can just be that Sally forgot it as she was leaving. This lets the caregivers know you know when things are missing and or that Mom reports giving things away to you but it doesn’t accuse them of anything or threaten with reporting anything, rather it takes their side, at least to a certain point.
If however you feel the caretakers are taking advantage and will continue even with notice that you know what’s going on, well that’s a whole different story. If mom is aware enough to know she is doing this and remembers what she has given away you could always say something like, “oh that’s nice, I’m so happy you are liking Sally so much but I know Jane (family members) has always loved that salt shaker and I had in the back of my mind that it would go to her when the time came. Maybe you should check with me next time you want to do give something special to a non family member just so you can decide who should have it if there is someone else I know has a special fondness for it”. I wouldn’t insist she not give anything to the people in her life she appreciates often it gives us pleasure as we age to pass along items when we know they are going to others who appreciate them the same way and you want her to feel comfortable consulting or telling you first not sneaking things because she thinks you will object to everything. I would agree with giving little things that don’t mean much to you or other family members and maybe even find a substitute for things she wants to give if they are items that are special to you but keeping in mind of course any written rules if they come from a service and make the distinction clear with them.