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We want to make sure the caretakers show us what our mother is giving away. She doesn't remember what she's given and the caretakers happily take beautiful items that we'd like to know about.

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This shouldn't be happening.  Your Mother is obviously a very loving, generous person, but her personal belongings should remain with the family.  I would speak to the caregivers and tell them that the family is sentimental about her belongings and ask that they refuse her "gifts."  If there's anything of value (jewelry, for example)  I would quietly remove these things - before they're gone.  This needs to be addressed immediately.  Good luck to you.
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Totally inappropriate of caregivers to accept items. They are in the home to do a job, not to get stuff. Please make this clear to them and also remove anything you’re concerned about disappearing.
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gdaughter Feb 2020
Actually, I hate to say this...but even the nicest seeming and most trusting caregivers, unless you truly know them, can be thieves...it's so easy to slip in, take something rarely used/seen and be gone with it. And no way to prove/track...so before caregivers are in your home, if you don't know them/they are from an agency take all the valuables out. I know we nice people would feel it makes us look untrusting of them...but at our house...I am very grateful for a door with an exterior, key required locking knob. We have to keep my pup in here because there is no way mom can handle her and she could let her out. So I have all the good stuff locked up in here.
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Caregivers should not be accepting ANY items that mom is "giving" away.
This might be considered financial abuse if the items are valuable. Might also be considered theft if mom is not cognizant of what she is doing.
If the caregivers have been hired privately then you tell them they can not accept anything that mom gives them. If they have been hired through an agency this needs to be discussed with their supervisor.
This is a boundary issue.
I would inventory items that are of value. Remove items that have value. If possible do a video inventory as well.
You can put cameras in the house so you can monitor what is going on. You can not audio record though and you can not place cameras in places where one expects privacy like a bathroom.
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gdaughter Feb 2020
totally agree...and that might be the one place they stash something until they can use the bathroom and pocket it. I work for an agency and the homemaker program policy has evolved over decades. I still recall some awful situations that developed and inspired things...that we couldn't easily anticipate. For example the woman who persisted in giving her aide a sewing machine she insisted she was going to throw out otherwise...but then imposed on the homemaker to mend some clothing items on her own time...or the sisters who were going to sell their car on the open market anyhow. That never happened before or after and was a done deal before we knew about it...Less of an issue since it was fair market value...(a very old car). Any time anyone in these circumstances gives someone helping them a gift, it can have unexpected repercussions at the very least of them then expecting "special" treatment.
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I was told by Council on Aging not to give anything to caregivers, not even Christmas gifts. Any gift is supposed to be given to the agency to forward to the caregiver.

Do people follow these rules? Not always.

It seems that the easiest solution is to remove items of value. Why is your mom giving things away? Can you explain the situation a bit more please?

Best wishes to you and your family.
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gdaughter Feb 2020
I've never heard of an agency being the intermediary...maybe it is to make sure the item is a token and not of great value. Our policy is no gifts, no tipping. We make it known for those insistent on wanting to give that we do have a staff appreciation fund that benefits all for the same reason.
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Takes pictures of her pretty’s, show pics to caretakers, and let them know if she gives anything to them you expect them to give it back to you.
in other words, I know you wouldn’t want to take advantage of my elderly mother 🙄
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Great idea!
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Not sure about the laws in your state but it’s illegal for a caretaker to take anything even if it’s a gift. I would contact the agency if it stays an issue. Every job I’ve taken we were taught about financial abuse in basic training. Her caretaker should, and probably does, know that this is irresponsible and likely could lose their job if they don’t return items and stop. I hope you figure out this issue I’m sorry that’s happening
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I think you should ask the caregivers what your mother has given them, and ask them to bring it back. If your mother can’t remember what she’s done, she wasn’t of sound mind to ‘give it away’, the caregivers should have been well aware of that, and it’s abuse. The fact that it’s ‘caretakers’ plural is even worse. I’d report it to the agency if that’s how they came. Your mother’s brain is probably allowing her to make quite disproportionate gifts for things that she is grateful for, but which are actually part of the carers’ jobs for which they are paid.
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Oh no no no! Absolutely NO gifts are these care givers to take away with them! Make that perfectly clear at every shift, every time, period. NO exceptions. Call the Agency they're coming from to reiterate your rules on this subject and to find out what THEIR rules are as well. I'd be very surprised if they permit their care givers to accept gifts from those they care for. Then remove anything & everything of value that your mother owns so she can't give away anything that's worth a significant amount of money, just in case one of the carers 'forgets' your rule.

Good luck!
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I agree with everyone. This is unprofessional. I would ask that they return everything they were given. They have taken advantage.
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gdaughter Feb 2020
The only catch is this good daughter has to be able to remember what is missing...and if it all is not returned then wonder which of the employees has what is outstanding....
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Thank you all this has been so helpful.
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They what? They take away items that your mother gives them?

No no no no no.

If your mother presses gifts on caregivers and won't take no for an answer, this is what they must do: thank her warmly for the thought, then put the item in a designated cupboard or box out of her sight and document the incident.

You can help by providing a safe place for them to put the things in, and a notebook and pen for them to record what's happened - date, time, what the item was, and their signature.

They should also report back to their supervisor. If the caregivers are from an agency, the agency needs to know that the client is doing this.
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jacobsonbob Feb 2020
CM--Excellent idea; I was also thinking along these lines. This would allow the one receiving care to get pleasure out of the "giving" but still require and enable the caregivers to avoid keeping them.

Are there any trivial "gifts" that would be allowed, such as the care receiver (or family) offering a piece of candy or similar item? I wonder if there are any "allowances" similar in policy to what government employees may receive. (I'm just thinking "on [virtual] paper"...)
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Professional Caregivers are aware that generosity like this could be the result of Memory Loss and should disclose this to family members, and should not accept such gifts unless the family is aware and agree. Such gifts like gift cards, and eatables are the more common gifts of appreciation. Accepting gifts of value without disclosure is a sign on poor character choice, and the family should remove this individual from the care team of the loved one immediately, and should consider legal action if the items are not returned. I have received appreciation gifts from family members after the love one has passed away, and only once was it a personal item the mother had instructed the daughter to give to me. I hope you find some resolution to this issue.
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jacobsonbob Feb 2020
Thanks for your comment; it answered in part what I just typed in response to CM's comment. A gift given by the care recipient should be promptly disclosed and presented to the family members, and then if the latter want the caregiver to have it (preferably waiting until after the passing of the recipient), then it can be made available to the caregiver.
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Tell the caretaker you want everything returned.  If she returns, then terminate her.  If she does not, file police report.
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When I worked as a CNA you were not supposed to take (or eat) anything! So it's probably not wise for them to do so. Do they work for an agency?
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Caregivers through agencies are not allowed to take gifts or to talk about their own "needs" that might lead to "gift-giving". Other caregivers should follow suit. Best advice is for the caregiver to take item, place in designated location and document the incident. It is probably also time to streamline your LO's possessions so that any "gifts" have less value - monetarily and emotionally.
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I have read all of the brilliant replies and Countrymouse has really nailed it again. It is sad when the mind goes. Caretakers are paid for Caring for your Mom and should not expect or accept gifts.
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What you describe happens a lot. My mom with Alzheimer's "gave" her house to three different people, my brother, my son, and me. Then she started promising her car to different people. She "gave" MY house to my son and MY truck to my grandson, telling them I didn't need them because I was living with her and driving her car. For the care givers she tried to give them smaller items than houses and cars. They were professional enough to not accept them. We would all have good laughs and mock arguments about who had been given what. My mom's neighbor one day tried to give me his house. He was getting packed up to go to assisted living and wanted to give me something, perhaps the couch?, for being so nice to him and I finally let him give me a jar of nuts. I told his son about the offers in order that the son could be aware that he was trying to give his belongings away. My mom and her neighbor had no idea of the value of their belongings, which in a way is a good thing. As we age we start to realize that all this stuff is really of no use to us any longer. Years ago my mom said "I've spent most of my adult life wanting and getting things and now I'll spend the rest getting rid of those exact same things I wanted so much". I don't know yet how I will feel about my mom's things when she is gone, but surely everyone caring for an elderly person should know not to accept gifts from them.
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XenaJada Feb 2020
"My mom and her neighbor had no idea of the value of their belongings, which in a way is a good thing. As we age we start to realize that all this stuff is really of no use to us any longer."

This is a very profound statement and one that we should all live by. My goal is to downsize my possessions as much as possible in my mid-late 60's. If I outlive my spouse and still have a few marbles, I intend to live in a tiny condo.
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IF you mom knows what she is doing, it is not illegal to give things away. If your mom is not cognizant and caretakers understand this, accepting such "gifts" is not only unethical, but may even be criminal. I would highly advise you to file a police report because it colludes of theft if your mom is not "with it" and these gifts are readily accepted; it is possible your mom may NOT be giving them away and they are helping themselves only alleging she "gave" them away. IF she is not cognizant and has a DPOA, only that DPOA can give away things or her legal guardian. If I were a hired caregiver I would never accept anything due to legal liability.
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We have had a neighbor of my parents help herself to items in their house-including a TV and decorative items my father gave to my mother. Now my mother did not stop the neighbor-i think mom felt she somehow owed this lady something for bringing in the mail etc. walking into their house unannounced, opening their mail. Mom would not stop doing this-i offered to intervene and mom did not want me to do that either. Housekeeper is paid very well and has taken things from mom when I specifically ask housekeeper to let me know when mom has offered something to her-just in case...mom also gave family silver to the yard guy-he knew the items were family pieces but he took them anyway. I say to mom what the heck are you doing-she knew at one point I had an interest in receiving said items and she asked for the items to be returned. I had even called the yard guy saying what the heck is going on he was not interested in my opinion that items be offered up to family or returned to family member that gave a specific item-for an anniversary etc. it family doesn't want then okay. But both housekeeper, yard guy and neighbor help themselves over and over. About a year ago mom gave me her box of jewelry saying she did not trust her brain anymore to remember-getting worried that neighbor who pokes her nose into every thing in their house would take something. So now at least the jewelry is in the bank box. Mom also offered items she ordered but decided she did not want to bother returning-including a $80 door wreath-gave to a caregiver who accepted. We had discussed this very topic on day one of caregivers because I knew mom would become attached to people and start giving away stuff. I mention to care manager gifting happened she had a word with mom and caregiver about not doing again. Mom also gave care giver her credit card for groceries-lady way way over spent by about $150 for excessive amounts of food would not fit in the fridge. I have no idea what goes on in their house 24/7. Mom tells me it is her house and her money to do whatever she wants. She also subsidizes greedy brother lazy lifestyle and promised him the house among other things. I have given up on keeping an eye on them in this way. I also had staff members going into my sister's room while we were moving out and asking if they could buy stuff from me....I was furious people going into the room when they knew we were in the process of moving out. I told manager tell them all to keep out until we are gone. Someone bought something off my sister as she suddenly had $10 she did not have a few days before-i don't know who did that or what they took-sister has dementia and did not know either. I had taken her wallet and her jewelry a while before as she was loosing stuff all the time and felt her things would get taken for sure.
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Dollie1974 Feb 2020
I couldn’t prove it but I know when I used to work full time in the city, visitors that my mom had did in fact taken things! It’s terrible to know this but good, just sad that some were supposed to have been friends and others were her nieces!

Since then, I have a security system with cameras outside of the house and yard as well as in the main rooms in the house, front foyer, living room, dining room and kitchen.
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Old people like to give away stuff to others who have helped them. This seems to be a universal impulse. Fortunately, most of their possessions are not valuable. When you clean out a house and contact estate sale agents or try to sell things that are no longer needed, you will find this out. No one wants the stuff. You can't even give it away.

Unless the silver is Tiffany sterling or the jewelry is high dollar value, I'd be much more concerned about any checkbook, bank/brokerage statements and credit/debit cards left around her house. My spouse was sole POA and trustee for his dad. He managed all the finances, and found unrecognized charges and thousands of dollars in checks cashed that Dad did not write. Tracked them down to the caretakers and avaricious sister in law. That's where big losses can occur. Remove anything "valuable" (dollar wise or sentimental value) to a secure place. Remove any high limit credit cards and keep tabs on the checkbook. If some cash is needed, be sure there is a limited amount available for mom to use however she wants.
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BBS2019 Feb 2020
Side note: We keep our valuable possessions, including jewelry, estate/trust documents, passports, extra credit cards and cash and backup hard drive to our computer in a small home safe that is bolted to a cabinet and locked unless we need something inside. Home safes are easy to find. Suggest the "valuables" be placed in a safe. Bank safety deposit box can also be used but home safe is a bit more convenient.
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I had a high risk pregnancy and was placed on bedrest. Had to hire a housekeeper for the duration of my pregnancy.

This woman stole from me. I was so sad. Just sad about all of it. I walked in on her and quietly asked her why. I had been so kind to her. She gave me some stupid excuse.

I looked at her and told her that had she asked me for the items that she was stealing that I would have gladly given them to her but I couldn’t trust her now. I told her that she had to leave and not return. I didn’t press charges.

My husband came home from work and asked me how was the housekeeper working out. I told him that she didn’t work out. I ended up getting a high school kid that was wonderful! People like to say kids are not responsible and some aren’t.

This kid was terrific in every way. My six year old loved her! She was great with my daughter and my daughter loved her so much that she helped her fold the towels and other small chores.

My daughter loved helping me in the house. I think it’s how you ask them to help out. I was respectful of my kids. I never wanted to be a dictator type. I ended up using this young woman as a sitter once in awhile.

I give things away. I give to the homeless in my city but don’t steal from me.
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Dollie1974 Feb 2020
Hi,

I'm sorry for your bad experience however you should have reported in to the agency as well as pressed charges with the police...she’s going to keep doing it to other poor trusting souls.
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This happens a lot. My mother gave about $3000 worth of silverware to her helper- who she complained about all the time. I found out about two years later. She probably gave away a lot more that I don’t know about.

in one sense, it is hers to give. It is not very thoughtful of her family, particularly if there are things of sentimental value, or are precious. It would be good to have the discussion early on, but that is uncomfortable for some, and you don’t always know what she has that you would say, “Gee, Mom, I really would like those sculptures that Dad had”.
My mother gave a lot away that were of sentimental importance to me. Not much you can do about it unless you carefully go through the belongings and tag them or ask in advance.
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You don't say if she has dementia, but if she doesn't remember what she is doing, it would be best to remove valuable items from the house (valuable jewelry, large amounts of cash, if she stashes it, etc.). Make sure all her paperwork is in order with POAs for financial and medical matters, will, etc. And keep them at your place or in a safe deposit box, with a copy of the POAs at her place. If you are her POA, have all of her financial papers sent to your address, and keep her checks, credit cards, etc. if she will agree to this. Otherwise, see if you can lock them up and keep the key. When my mother moved into memory care the facility recommended keeping no more than about $5-10 in the room and removing all valuables. I didn't do this right away, and some jewelry went missing. My aunt, who lived far from me, had a live-in caregiver and I later found that she had been depositing the household money that I sent for them into her own bank account. She never told me that the money was more than they needed and was accumulating.
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Most agency employees are prohibited from accepting gifts or tips. Contact the agency, tell them what it going on and ask them to talk to their employees
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Hi there
As part of the written agreement with care takers

They are not allowed to accept gifts by any means

Nor money
Nor exchange personal details like mobile numbers .
I found this out the hard way
When one carer offered to take tons of jewllry. (Costume) brand new sheet sets. Pottery
New wall pictures.
The list is endless
And promised to advertise for sale on the internet for me
Im a trusting soul and she came across as a bubbly nice girl

That afternoon she quit her job so i had no come back ...i was not aware at the time of the rules these care takers know and must obide by

I am now!
The girl has never been seen again

So in nutshell. Caretakers are aware in their role they. Are not to accept gifts. Or anything
Possibly from further problem which may occur down the track .
Contact your service provider as i did perhaps. And ask for the booklet that should have been provided at start

Hope that helps
Folks can be so giving and kind. I hear you!!

Ps mention to caretaker without mum around you believe this may be the case and you would not like to see her risking career over matters like this

Care takers are fully aware of this and many other rules when going to someone's place

Cheers deb
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I told this story before. I find it very interesting. I know of an elderly man who never married and was so appreciative of the good care that he received from his caregiver and he wanted to make sure that he got his money. He was wealthy.

He asked her to marry him with no expectations from her. She had her own bedroom. She accepted his proposal. All situations are different. I find his story to be rather heartwarming. He wanted her to have access to everything.
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This WAS my late mother! She was giving away pieces of furniture like coffee tables and leaving $$$$ in peoples' autos EVEN WHEN THEY SAID NO TO! So embarrassing because it lead to arguments. I said "Mother, Bob (real name withheld for privacy reasons) already told you that he does not want your money" because Bob was mad that she wasn't listening. In the end, I just threw my hands up in the air. Ugh!
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I believe that when a person is cognizant and in better or fair health they should be able to give what they want to others. Although at the time the caregiving starts, it should be understood, whether this type of action (giving items to caregivers by the patient) should ever take place. However this should be determined by all in the family or the power of attorney and made known to all parties that during the caregiving period no items are to be accepted or borrowed, loaned or shared with or by the caretaker. There should be a policy in place, a written agreement, a family meeting to get this point accross that no items are to be taken from the patient at any time during the care of this individual. Now if the parent wants to put in a Will that this goes to so and so, that should be honored and I would hope that when the "Will is created and understood by all that it is to be executed with her wishes, and if that includes giving something to the caregiver that of course should be honored."
Otherwise no items should arbitrarily be taken by the caretaker.
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anonymous1024799 Feb 2020
Exactly exactly if they know what they're doing I agree. Some people are there for different reasons. we had a meeting at one job and they agreed good idea. Whatever the lady did not want and wanted to give away it makes her feel important when they can contribute. It's one of the basic human needs. But the family said to let them go through it first. Cuz maybe someone in the family might need something. You know most people let their family go through stuff first before they donate it to wherever. It was a nice way not to offend anybody. And then another family brought in a lot of extra things that they didn't want. And they gave them to the mother to give to everybody. She was really cleaning out her junk drawers and stuffed animals from the kids. It was basically like garage sale stuff and she gave it away and she gave it away I felt really good and everybody needed everything. It was funny. Especially when a neighbor heard what she was doing and she cuz I have a toaster that your mother could give away and they all started laughing picturing someone making toast LOL
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Carol, I agree with what you say about a person's right to give away their possessions; but here that isn't the point. The point is that caregivers, employed in the home, can't accept them. It's unethical, unprofessional, and - if the agency knows what it's about - against the terms of their contracts.

If, as it sounds might be the case here, the client can't be made to understand that the caregivers she likes so much are being placed in a difficult position by her intended kindness to them, then there needs to be a tactful way for them to deal with the "gifts" without disappointing or offending her.
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anonymous1024799 Feb 2020
You're you're right. And when you think about it why are they there? Because they probably don't make good decisions. They need to be guided. Any worker should know not to take anything whether you sign something or not. I've been in and out of so many places and I watch how caregivers manipulate to knowing the person you want to give them something.
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As stated above:

Have care providers sign written agreement that they are not allowed to accept any gifts, money, nor exchange personal contact information. If you need, get legal language from an attorney. As mentioned above, caregivers hired through agency taking items should be fired. Alert agency Director / Administrator before they send anyone over what you expect and insure that the agency has you and the care providers sign documentation as to appropriate, acceptable behavior - including what is not allowed being in their (agency's) employ.

As an ind care provider myself, it really depends on the cognitive functioning of the person 'giving' away items. There is a MAJOR DIFFERENCE between giving something to the Good Will or the care provider, if they want it AND a person's jewelry, items of value, or money. Care providers should not take money from a client. Exceptions may be a holiday gift or cash - again, depends on the cognitive functioning of the elder and who handles the client's money (family? attorney?) I have accepted $50 as a Christmas gift on occasion. Although I would never accept anything / gift / money from a client-elder with cognitive decline. I would inform the family or POA immediately of this behavior. Too many caregivers would take advantage of a person with dementia so POA or family member needs to be aware of what might happen and put necessary behaviors - and/or legal documentation in place to prevent unacceptable behaviors (from both elder and caregiver).
* Having camera around could be a deterrent; as well
* Asking for and following up with references; and
* Requiring finger prints and a criminal check.

I have to do 'all of the above,' working at a retirement home even though I work as an ind contractor with each resident. If you hire through an agency, ask what they require of their caregivers who sign up with their agency. Ask for a copy of their contract/agreement that their employees are required to sign. Ask agency what action they take if a caregiver is found stealing and/or taking gifts or money from the elder (without your expressed permission - the family member or POA).
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