Why does Mom get upset when I am trying to help her? To the point where she insults me.

Thank you all. I have really liked this forum. At the least I vented to other care takers and some of you have gone through this. By the way, mother has an emergency call button which she has used a few time.

I wonder if what your mother gets upset about is her feeling (not necessarily anything you're doing wrong) that you're "supervising" her, or that she's under suspicion of not being able to cope and if she gets anything wrong then whoosh! - off she goes to a nursing home without pause for breath. It's a bit like the mentality that says "you put me off! Look what you made me do!" when you feel that someone is watching you and it makes you edgy.

But I don't see how you could *not* worry if your mother has fallen, with consequences, that many times. So you can't not worry, but I suppose you can not let her know that. Would you be able to negotiate, and say "I won't keep checking on you if you agree to wear a call pendant for emergencies, and wear it all day every day." Then you might have a better chance of letting her come to you, rather than feeling the need - I would too - to hover over her.

Mind you, if she's anything like my late mother, she'll wear the pendant all right but she'll never use it. I wish I could offer some solution to the awful stress of waiting for something terrible to happen, but I don't think there is one.

The rudeness, now, you'll have to set your own boundaries for. How much of it you're willing to shrug off only you can say; but remember there is no reason why you shouldn't feel free to protest. Tell your mother you dislike her unappreciative attitude, for example. It's a statement of fact, not a threat, you're not going to abandon her; but all the same you might find it a relief to say what you feel.

You are allowing her to verbally abuse you. Much of your behavior in response to her actions has been learned over the last 45 years she has been training you. The health care providers have been trained NOT to react to her behaviors. This means that the HC providers are actually able to asses her situation using a clear mind and thus provide better care without her abuse influencing their decisions.

Since the doc said she cannot be by herself and the doctor did not order you to take care of her 24/7, it's time to find a place for her to live apart from you. As you said, you have never had your own life. It's time.

Tell her she can't live with you anymore and she needs to be out in x months. She won't do anything about it. Stop hovering over her and let her fall in her stubbornness. Next time she needs to go to the ER, (hope it's soon), refuse to bring her home and tell the hospital social worker to find a placement for her. It can be whatever mom can afford (or medicare), but you are not to spend YOUR money on her care. It is time for you to have your own life.

I am having this same problem. I have moved my mother in my house for a month and I am very stressed. She says the rudest remarks to me and she can be very critical about how I fixed her meals, wash her clothes, bathing her which my water bill has doubled since she move in with my family and I. No one else dont want to be bothered with her. She is never satisfied and the only option I can see is putting her in a nursing facility. I keep thinking, "What was I thinking when I moved her here with me."

I'm going to take a slightly different view here; you say she's fine when she's in the hospital. I.e., when she's being cared for by professionals who are not her kith and kin. Maybe she'd do better in a facility setting. Even if she says that she doesn't want that, I think you have some evidence that it's EXACTLY what she wants Take her on some tours, have lunch there, check out the activities.

My mother has turned snippy - sides of her I have never seen in my life and I've cared for her since my father died at 54 years old and she is 85. The last 10 years my husband and I moved in to take care of her. I think the person she is closest to - you - is hard to be exposed to as 'losing' - even though you have loved her and been the closest - she has a 'pride' that will not allow her to 'give in' and your caring reminds her of her losing. My mother was terrible especially the last 3 years - we had awful times with her losing bowel control and lying and not letting us know, taking off from the house without saying anything - we spent 3 hours (me post surgery) in the car following her and waiting for her - she went to the Dollar Store. She lied and said she wanted to get me candy. She's fallen all over the place and yet it's a 3-5 hours conversation to get her to use her cane, the railings we installed, the stair chair we installed, a walker we got her....everything was a battle always. Right after a particularly difficult afternoon of begging her to be careful with the stairs - she did the same thing overloading her hands to go to her room to pout but this time she fell backwards off the landing - hitting the door and lamp. I felt like it was divine intervention for our misery. THAT didn't change a thing. Her PRIDE she wears like a vest. Only by the grace of God did she have her last 'safe' fall (I had many a sleepless time about her and the stairs) and the doctor admitted her to a Home. She STILL has her PRIDE and can't let anyone in. I agree with the 'fear' also of aging and losing faculties - life is cruel with the prospect of aging dementia and loss and the senior knowing it's happening and being hopeless to control - especially with control freak parents. Know that she is not railing at YOU - she's railing at the UNIVERSE for her being human and the foibles that it causes. Don't waste your time feeling bad one bit - you are on your path doing what is right for your Mom that you can live with later - she is on her own path that she has to maneuver alone. Love changes it's face - checking on her and taking on the expected wrath is now your selfless love. Fill your joy with other things in your life- reading prayer etc. and look at what diseases and all you and she are NOT dealing with. Balance will come with awareness. God bless you both.

She told you the problem "she is scared"... I would mention this to her Dr it seems she has anxiety issues and medication should help...

I agree with her going to Senior Day Care... She needs to socialize with others.

Good luck..

Thank you both very solid answers. I am going to take both advices. It's tough though.

txaorozco, your Mom sounds a lot like me... I become snippy if my parents or sig other are asking how I am doing if I am under the weather... for me it comes from being an only child of helicopter parents. It comes from wanting to be totally independent yet not wanting to be alone when older. I know it is confusing.

Only suggestion is to stand by the side lines and say nothing, which might be hard to do if you are a nurturer.

Wonder if your Mom would want to go to a senior center, if there is one close by. That way she could develop new friends... BFF's.

My mother does this, too, when I try to help her. I don't know why offers to help can make them so irritable. Maybe it is because in their mind they are fine. Our words are like a reminder that they aren't so fine. When I hear a noise I usually don't say anything unless the noise is very loud. I peek around the corner to see if everything is okay, then go about my business. Usually it is something simple, like she knocked her cane over.

In my mother's case, there is sometimes reason that she can be so irritable. My mother doesn't have good urine control, so wets herself. She won't wear protective undergarments. Lately she has been washing a lot of clothes. Yesterday I asked her what she was washing when she was putting on another load. She got mad at me. That let me know that she had wet her pants again -- something she was embarrassed to tell me, so she got mad that I invaded her privacy.

Maybe that is the answer. They may get angry when they feel we are invading their privacy for whatever reason.