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She dislocated her shoulder and fractured her wrist. Her fall could've been so much worse so I am thankful she didn't injure herself more than that. I am comfortable with the rehab she is in so I know she is safe and being well taken care of.


I'm feeling very guilty for even saying this, but I am so happy to have a break. How do I get past the guilt and try to enjoy and recharge instead?

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Your Mom can't be too old and you have cared for her 12 yrs! As my daughter says, they will fall, let the guilt go and enjoy your respite time. Do everything you don't get to do when ur caring for Mom. Take a day or two off from work and go somewhere with your daughter.
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Grandma1954 Apr 2019
I think she is including the time she was also caring for her uncle.
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As long as you did not push or trip her and cause her fall, you have no reason to feel guilty. My husband was in rehab for 4 1/2 months 2 years ago and when he was no longer in danger with his heart and I knew he was being well cared for, I was on vacation! I didn’t cook! I cleaned when I wanted to! I got my hair cut! (Haven’t had another cut in the two years he’s been home). I watched what I wanted to on television! I even ordered a movie I wanted to see and watched it! I ate fast food! I didn’t have to answer continuous questions about where I was going and what I was doing every time I got up out of my chair!

Recharge, relax and enjoy! This is a golden opportunity to find yourself again!
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Liss79 Apr 2019
"This is a golden opportunity to find yourself again!" LOVE this! : )
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Just do it. What do you have to be guilty about?
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Falls will happen it is not a matter of IF but WHEN.
You should assess why she fell. If it is related to a condition that can be changed. Change what you can. Did she trip on an area rug..remove area rugs. Did she trip on a stair? Modify her living or the house so she does not have to deal with stairs. Did she slip in the shower? Get a bench or shower chair so she does not have to stand. Did she trip on a wrinkle in the carpet? Remove the carpeting in the areas where she will be.
Once you have made any corrections if necessary think about what might me next and prepare in advance.
Stop feeling guilty. Everyone needs a break (no pun intended!)
You might even want to think about a week of Respite every 6 months or at least a week or two once a year.
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Accidents happen . We wish they didn’t and I hope you’re mum recovers ok . But take this opportunity to take a well deserved rest . I’m sure you will still be going back and forth to see your mother but while she is in rehab do what you can’t do when she is around .
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gdaughter Apr 2019
Reminds me of how, before the dementia became clear the way it sneaked in with more of mom's typical behavior, she wound up in the hospital due to an emergency appendectomy. Although my life became more chaotic with 2x daily runs to the hospital to check on her, I was elated that FINALLY after 2+ years, the refrigerator temp was staying at a stable correct temperature!
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I think we all go through feeling guilty at one time or another. Just know it isn’t your fault. It’s an accident. So sorry this has happened. Many, many hugs. Lean on us. We are here. 💗
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I might take it as a sign that I needed to lessen my load. Caregiving and working full time for many years, man.....I'd question if I was burned out. Burned out people sometimes have inexplicable feelings that aren't warranted. I'd use the time to survey my situation and explore options for help.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Sunny,

I totally agree.
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Thank you everyone for the responses. Your kindness and support is truly appreciated. I have carried this alone for so long thinking I was alone in everything I was feeling and going through. Most people my age have no idea what caregiving is about or how hard it is, nor can they relate so I struggle to open up to my friends. Then I found this site and as I am reading the comments and questions, I am taken aback, as these are some of the EXACT same things I was questioning or wanting to vent about for years.
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Jneeley Apr 2019
A new coworker and I had this same conversation just yesterday. Now that we are talking more about these challenges in helping provide elder care, we are finding each other. I forwarded her the information to join this group, and also to my friend and my sister who is the primary caregiver for my mother. It really helps to hear each other’s stories and fears.
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I don't understand why we humans have this need to feel guilty about our feelings. 🤔 You're not glad she fell; you're not glad she broke her wrist; but you ARE glad you are getting a little break! And that's perfectly okay and understandable! I guess maybe it all seems tied in together. We are complex emotional beings.

Did you ever do something really stupid that cracked you up laughing and also hurt like crazy, all at the same time? Hit your funny bone, maybe? I can think of a few but am not going to share them here, but yeah, I have had a few incidents where I was crying with pain and laughing my head off at the same time. Think I even peed myself. My point is, it's okay to enjoy your time off, guilt-free, and still feel sympathy for the injured party.

So no, there is nothing wrong with you enjoying a bit of respite under the circumstances. If emotions are like colors, this kind of event can be like a beautiful sunset. Several emotions all mixed up together to make something memorable. Yes, there are the dark clouds of pain. But there is also the sunshine of knowing it's a minor injury, she'll get good care, and you'll come back refreshed and rested. So enjoy!
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You hurt your Mom?! Wow. Oh wait, NO, NO, you didn't . (sorry for the sarcasm).Things happen. The stories I could tell about my Mom, and the unforeseen and unavoidable things that happen despite ALL best efforts to prevent them. It is what is it is, and it went how it went. We do the best we can to take care of them. Recharge while you have the time. You deserve it. Let it go and get yourself situated. Apologies if I sound harsh. Guilt serves no purpose in caregiving if we are doing the best we can. Enjoy your time when she's in a safe place. Take a little trip, dance naked in your living room, read a book. Whatever your 'thing' is. Just do it.
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You're kidding, right? I don't mean to be unfeeling, but I would give anything to have even a couple of days away from my mother. If you spend one more minute feeling guilty, you are robbing yourself of an opportunity many of us wish we had. No, I don't want my mother to fall and end up in rehab. But if she does, I'm taking advantage of every minute of freedom I have. Sorry, but I'm tired of sugar-coating caregiving, making it out to be this gloriously rewarding "opportunity." No, it's not. It's a daily grind that steals your life. Live yours while you have the chance.
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mmcmahon12000 Apr 2019
And ask for help so you can get a break. Look in your area Debbye, there might be an adult day care or even a home health agency that can help you get a respite.
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You feel guilty because she is the best possible place to deal with her care? Feel accomplished because you helped to get her there.
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By reminding yourself that being a caregiver leads to burnout. This is normal. Acknowledge it, learn from it, then move on.
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Dear Liss79, you sound like a very caring person. Every parent/parents at times needed a break from there kids when they were raising them, so why would it be any different for you or anyone else for that matter.
I'm sorry for your mom's fall and glad it wasn't worse. Unfortunately as we get older and (some of the meds we're on doesn't help), we get off balance and we fall. It happens, so please take the time you have to refresh, recharge, and please pamper yourself. You're no good to anyone, (more importantly yourself), if you don't take care of your needs first.
So please try not to feel guilty. You are a caring person, I can tell just by reading your post.
God bless you and guide you.💕
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I know what you mean - every time I go see my grandkids, who live in another state, and I get a break from my Dad, I do a happy dance. I live in central NJ, the kids in Boston. For the drive, I have the music blasting and decompress. I also feel guilty but everyone needs a break and the way we feel is normal.
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You deserve a break. Don't feel guilty about having some freedom and time for yourself. Your mom will be fine and is getting good care. You're only a phone call away if you're needed.
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gdaughter Apr 2019
Remember...if you're old enough:-)...the McDonalds ad...You Deserve a Break Today!
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Enjoy the break. Every class and support group I belong to tells you that the caregivers have to take breaks to avoid burnout, resentment and basically your mental health. I go through the same thing with my brother. I only went to the nursing home twice this week and feel very guilty, but I needed to regroup with myself...
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Remember the nike slogan? JUST DO IT! I can so relate, I feel guilty saying this, but CONGRATUALTIONS! Life happens, she fell, you've got time to enjoy...an opportunity, sort of expense paid has fallen into your lap...
I remember the last time, a few years back, my folks went to visit my out of state sister. I sensed at the time it would be MY last staycation (living with them). I spent the time CLEANING. I was an IDIOT. I should have savored every second. And in a way, I did. The change in environment made it clear that mom had dementia, among other things. It's an odd situation because generally, they are functional and can manage fine...well, dad anyhow...and dad sort of oversees mom...but I am too uneasy really going away very far. I'm fortunate that a lovely pet friendly hotel is within 45 minutes. Do not waste one more second of your precious respite time on guilt. Make the most of this. And do check in with your local area agency on aging which may have a caregiver support program so you can get some more time off..
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I hear you, it's hard to transition from being solely responsible for a LO's day and the activities, time that takes it is often your entire day. Two things I would say, first it's the same thing as taking a vacation from any job, even one you love, hard to disconnect and get into vacation mode but important for keeping you the best you can be and fulfilled in that job. Taking a break from the care of Mom as long as you know she's safe and sound is going to make you a better caregiver when you take back over. A renewed, fresher vigor a new perspective with fresh energy and stories to share is going to be great for both you and mom. The break from you and experience with other caregivers and surroundings may very well be just as beneficial for mom, it might be a vacation of sorts for her and or it might be a reminder or eye opener for her giving her new and fresher appreciation for you too. Being able to focus totally on other things is just what the doctor ordered for you and you shouldn't be feeling guilty, you should be looking at this as a benefit to Mom as well as you moving forward. It's kind of like having the energy (mind and body) you had at the beginning of this caregiving journey when you come back except that you have so much more in place and all the knowledge you have gained so your starting way ahead of the game, if you follow that logic.

Enjoy your break time and make the most of it, it will be a great benefit to your mom too. You happy and refreshed is a benefit to Mom!
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I hope you're finding the support you need here! This forum has helped me a lot with guilty feelings aout my mom.

You accomplished a big good for your mom by getting her into a safe, competent rehab. That's taken care of. Now, can you see this time as a form of necessary "rehab" for you? Your mom is resting and recuperating, and you can be too. You could kind of parallel your mom's process with your own, which is just as important. Then you don't need to feel guilty (I mean, you really don't need to feel guilty at all; I'm just suggesting an alternative mindset that lets YOU release the guilt).
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Psalms23 Apr 2019
Yes. Thanks for sharing this insight.
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When I was younger…about 30 years ago, I promised my Mom I would always be there to take care of her. My Mom is my best friend. When my Dad passed away in 2001 I was there to help her through that. A couple of years later I helped move her to an apartment closer to me.  After about 8 years we began to see signs of Alzheimer’s disease. So we transisoned her into our bottom apartment. She was able to stay there for 5 years with care givers coming in to help, along with me and my spouse. It was not until she had a stay in the hospital and that was very traumatic for her. When we brought her home she needed much more attention and we just couldn’t find enough reliable care without breaking her bank! So a Social Worker from The Ageing Service came and talked to us. I was very set on keeping Mom at home, but knew it was getting harder, and harder, because my spouse had to take on more responsibility as I am legally blind and hard of hearing, so as much as I wanted to help, there were just certain things I could not do


Anyway the Social Worker said something that really started to get me thinking about having a different view on what was best for Mom. She said our quality of live could highly impact the quality of care we could give Mom. 

Since I was not able to give as much physical care to Mom as I wanted, and did not feel it was fair to bourdon my spouse with this, not that she wasn’t willing to for a while, but I could see how it was taking a big toll on her. So we started looking for a good home for Mom.

We found an excellent Memory Care Home and within 6 months we transitioned  her there.

 

One of Mom’s long time care givers would take her to visit the home and have a small meal with some of the residents to get her used to the home, or at least it would seem familiar to her.

It was a really easy transition for her.

 

As you might imagine I felt quite a bit of guilt, and hated that I couldn’t just go down the stairs to see Mom whenever I wanted to. Now I had to rely of others to take me to see Mom and be there with me to interact with her in this new environment. But my wife who is the smartest person I know said, “Your Mom is on her own journey and we are a part of that, but ultmilly it is her journey.”

I got a lot of peace from that, knowing I am still taking care of my Mom in the best way possible for all of us.

She is getting great care and they love her there.

She has been at BeeHive Homes for almost 2 years now and has had some falls the last one resulting in a broken hip we think. She is on Hospice Care and since they can control the pain we decided not to have surgery on it. Mom is 85 and I felt this was the right decision for her.

So I don’t think you should feel guilty about having some time to yourself. Just remember your Mom is on her own journey as are you, and it may look different than you first imagined, but, hopefully it will all work out to benefit you all.
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Psalms23 Apr 2019
Thanks. Adding this to my bank of wisdom thoughts...🤓
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Best to you. I know what you mean. You have to push that guilt aside... literally. 😂 When I started this " caregiver duty" with my Mom, guilt had me feeling bad about sleeping. The "devil" is a liar! You must take care of you to be effective for Mom. Go out with friends, eat out by yourself, check out a movie, enjoy a glass of wine and a movie at home. Whatever helps you to relax and laugh 😁. Good grant you peace and joy in this rest time for you...🤗
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Liss79 Apr 2019
Thank you : )
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Honey do not feel guilty. My husband fell also went to the hospital then rehab. I, too, felt guilty because I was okay with it.
This was the first time in 3 years that I was able to get a good nights sleep. He is back home now. He has Parkinsons and dementia. His caregiving needs are starting to get beyond what I can do for him and now I wish he was back in the rehab nursing facility. I did hire a caregiver and he left after 1 week. I am simply overwhelmed. Sorry, I’m just venting right now about my situation. I hope for the best for you and that all works out for all involved.
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Psalms23 Apr 2019
Praying with you 🙏 to get the help you need. Finding a place or getting relief at home. Keep looking up. 🤗
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You used the word "recharge" and that is exactly how you can view this time.  You need your strength when taking care of your mom, so use this time to take care of yourself so that you will be your best when she comes back home.   I cared for my dad for 8 years and in all that time had NO time for myself.  I would have welcomed a short respite from the stress of fulltime care. 
Also there is no reason for you to feel guilty, even though I know it is natural to feel so.  You are a blessing to your mom, and she loves you.  She would want you to be happy and free of pressure and stress.  So go ahead and recharge guilt-free.
Bless you for being a loving child to your mom.
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It is alright to feel guilt it comes with this and will be a given.
I felt it every time dad fell or got sick and had to be in the hospital.
Would pray for him to have to stay for days in the hospital as I live in house with my parents.
Full time 24/7 year round.
Came home with guilt, tears in eyes, showered, clean the house got some sleep knowing it was time for a recharge, breath in and out, yoga and cardio.
You will make it. Know that it's ok
I'm still in this from Dec
2009 til current now with mom.
Dad passed on April 12, 2018, Full-time non paid no income.
Welcome that breather moments with guilt and tears to care for yourself.
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Those are normal feelings! My husband has been hospitalized twice since his stroke. Two other health reasons. I felt a little guilty but then enjoyed my time away from him. I slept through the night without interruptions! I had some time for me!
DL
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Did she have surgery to fix shoulder & wrist? Sorry to hear about the fall. Try to rest up while she is in recovery. Hugs 🤗
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Try to use this time to your best advantage. If you're constantly on edge (I'm not saying you are), you won't be able to recharge.
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Why on earth would you feel guilty for being normal? You are taking care of her and she is now in a good place and getting help. YOU DESERVE THIS BREAK. You feel bad because she had an injury which is understandable but you can't give her rehab. So you feel bad about the injury - but YOU DESERVE A BREAK TOO. Take care of yourself, have some fun and get charged up for the future - and do NOT feel guilty.
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Llamalover47 Apr 2019
Riley2166: You are so right! However, the OP may be thinking on it and thinking on it and thinking on it till it eats the OP up. I HOPE that is not the case, but oftentimes it is. It will get the better of the person, when they should be trying to recharge BECAUSE they will need it!
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My question is why are you feeling guilty? Did you cause the fall in some way? Do you believe that you are responsible for preventing your mother’s suffering? Sometimes grief for another (anticipatory grief in this case) is more difficult to feel than guilt, if we are indeed guilty. Watching my parents decline was quite painful. My mind would seek ways to alleviate my pain of watching their suffering. This led to my grappling with the belief of feeling that I was responsible for decreasing their suffering when realistically I had no power to do so. A good grief counselor or one who knows how to listen deeply can help you hear you through your pain. If you’re involved in a spiritual tradition this can help even more. Leaning into the pain is a skill that can be practiced-not pleasant mind you.

It can can also be difficult to detach from their condition into the false guilt of our enjoying ourselves when they are declining. It’s easy to become enmeshed with parents’ condition and lose the reality that we are individuals with needs. We cannot take away the suffering of others. We can only be with them to support them. It’s normal to feel pain when another suffers but it’s our pain, not theirs. If you don’t get away and care for your own needs periodically you’re at risk for getting compassion fatigue which will be harmful to your health and limit your ability to be helpful to anyone.

Be good to yourself. Your parents in their earlier years would want you to be.

Peace.
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Liss79 Apr 2019
Thank you for your response GAMtns. So much of what you said hit home with me.
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