Mom with dementia doesn't understand why she has to pay bills. Any advice?

Several years ago, before any of us really understood anything about dementia, mom wanted to go see her money at the bank. This request is not all that odd, since she grew up in the depression in rural NC. Nobody got out of the depression without being affected. A lot of people ended up so distrustful of banks they did keep their money "under the bed".

I lived 1800 miles away from her and the bank at that point in time. I told her that her money doesn't really live at the branch in town. She blew a giant fuse. That was a rookie mistake on my part, but I just didn't know how to handle her then. None of us did. She went into a panic and wanted to go to the branch office and withdraw all of it.

I told her they would not hand it over a bag of dollar bills and change because they don't keep that much cash on site (like in the movies). It would be a check she would have to take to another bank to deposit. "You can't really go touch your money these days mom. It's in a computer." This did not help her.

I did not understand her freak out and it seemed like it came from left field. Now I totally understand and would handle it very differently.

Maghart, I am going through a similar situation now, exactly what you went through Nansacola. It is difficult not to take it personally and not to react, because you are family and you are living 24-7 in the situation. We all get tired out.

Since dad died last August, she is convinced that we won't be able to afford to stay here, despite me going over the financial statements and sources of income repeatedly. However, her cogitive capacity is so impaired that she does not understand the simplest of information and explanations. I am now off work for the summer because the children are out of school, so she's waking me up with battles blazing every morning, furious with me - as if I could actually work full time with mom in her condition. I tell her straight, she is not well and her fears have no basis in reality; that I am taking care of everything for her and just trust me, I will let you know when we have to worry. I also point out that the stress she is putting on me is going to make me ill and I won't be able to take care of her. Then I tell her I'm applying for part time jobs (lol).

Up until the week before she died, my mother wanted to go to the bank to check on her money. I would explain that she was fine and tell her that all her bills were paid. When she was confused on where she was, I told her that her mind was tired because it was 97 years old. She would then laugh and calm down.

That is the dementia and it requires patients so try to understand and help her along the way.

No amount of explaining that his memory is getting bad or any kind of reasoning has any effect on my Dad. Even if I managed to convince him that a certain bill is paid to there's money in his checking account he will forget 2 minutes later. Its a waste of time.

I just do what has to be done, tell him whatever he wants to hear and keep moving. The less he is involved in any financial affairs the better.

Let her know you will be glad to show her the bills then you will take her home - in a little while. You are very busy at the moment and have to finish a few things first. You can use this answer as many times as needed.

Love. the comment it's free. I will try that.

I agree with the great advice on this string. It's so hurtful to be accused of lying but it happens eventually to most people who provide care for someone with dementia. It's no one's fault.

Acknowledging what they are thinking - I liked the phrase "because of your medications ...your mind is playing tricks on you." Hugs, smiles and a positive attitude (yes - I know that this is hard to portray when you are hurting inside) seems to be the only response.

This is a long hard road. It's wonderful to see the generosity of the people here sharing their pain and their solutions.
Carol

Have a meeting with your elder affairs lawyer and make certain you have no liability for her unpaid bills

Just hold her hand and tell her you love her, every time you hear something that's not quite right / even if she is wrong put that smile back on her face just because. From just losing my mom 8 months ago, I'd do anything to hear her voice and to see her smile!! I know it gets hard and my prayers are with those who have to care for their love ones , but my experience now it's harder not being able to have her here to take care of. Missing her so much, so get all the smiles and I Love yous in while you have the time ok . Keep the faith and God will give you the strength .

My mom and I go through similar discussions. Sometimes I "play along"....sure, if you'd rather go live with your mom that would be great! I think she's in heaven but we could try to find her phone number......I have gone as far as look up the address on "Google Earth" and explain that her mom and dad don't live there anymore that she sold the house to someone else......she just says, "Oh" and starts talking about other houses she remembers. We play like it's a trivia game. You can't reason with your parent anymore. You have to become the parent and just leave it at - you don't have to pay bills.....it's all taken care of for you. Or your insurance covers it....or it's free! I like that "lie" the best.
Goodluck!

It sounds as if she senses that something is wrong and she's trying to figure out what it is—and coming up with the wrong answers. This has to be quite unsettling for her. Rather than trying to correct her, I would suggest addressing her fear and reassuring her that she is safe now. Her home is with you now and everything is taken care of.

Thanks. Those answers helped me. I have a husband with dementia who always wants to go home. I've tried everything but lying seems to work best, sorry to say.

If I would tell my mom her mind is playing tricks on her because of the medicine she is taking, she would get very angry and refuse to take her medicine. I just let her talk and change the subject.

My 90 year old Dad does the same thing except he went one more step and took me off of POA in the bank. Bank never contacted me nor acted any differently when I came to balance out statements. When both parents were in hospital I paid everything out of his account. Taxes on house and bills. What he got mad about was the doctor bills that I paid. He said that he did not have to pay them. Mom has Medigap insurance but Dad does not so he owed a whole lot of money (20%) of his bill. Did not understand why Mom's was fully paid. No reasoning at all with him. When I tried to say that he was correct he said that he was going to take me to court after Mom dies and sue us. (My husband and myself) The above does not work with my Dad. Did not know that dementia & Parkinson's goes hand and hand. Thanks!! will look it up by google.

I agree with Alan, normal reasoning will not work. My mother became quite paranoid about her money and no reassurances were enough. In the end anti depressants in a mild dose helped. At first i was showing her statements and explaining but then just carried on managing her finances with the poa and joint bank account. I no longer showed her statements because they no longer made sense to her and she just got upset. If she asks, i just tell her all is well and taken care of.

Your mum sounds like she is in late stages of dementia which is associated with Parkinsons. Short term memory is going hence the recall to the long term memories. Reasoning normally does not work so your wasting your time. Play along with her, lie when necessary and direct her attention to something else. Life will be a lot easier.

Absolutely CM I find a photograph album works wonders. Especially if you can track her time. I have pictures of Mum as a girl with her Mum and Dad then with my dad then with them in their first second and third homes and now in this home pictures before and when dad got ill, their pets over time, their holidays, their friends. It is all good for talking about and it can help take them to the right place.

Agree - acknowledging what she believes to be true is important; and in this case even better you can confirm that part of her memory is accurate. She accurately remembers that she had this home; what she's forgotten is all that has happened meanwhile.

But your mother genuinely and sincerely believes what she is saying, and what's more she is very clear in her own mind about it. Explaining, as Maggie suggests, why her memory is playing tricks and deceiving her might help (it did for my mother, too); but it could be a long haul and you can probably expect to have to do it with tedious regularity, I'm sorry to say. Another suggestion would be a memory book or scrap album, which could contain a time line showing when the house was sold, when she moved in with you, and so on. Best of luck.

When mom went off on tangents due to her dementia, what finally worked well was saying, "Mom, I know that you really think that, but it's not true. Because of all of the medication you need to stay well, your mind is playing tricks on you. You know in your heart that I wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you..." followed by a great big hug.

That was my solution. See if it works for you. I think it somehow comforted her because I both ACKNOWLEDGED what she thought and helped her understand why she thought that way.