Mom with dementia doesn't understand why she has to pay bills. Any advice?

When mom went off on tangents due to her dementia, what finally worked well was saying, "Mom, I know that you really think that, but it's not true. Because of all of the medication you need to stay well, your mind is playing tricks on you. You know in your heart that I wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you..." followed by a great big hug.

That was my solution. See if it works for you. I think it somehow comforted her because I both ACKNOWLEDGED what she thought and helped her understand why she thought that way.

Agree - acknowledging what she believes to be true is important; and in this case even better you can confirm that part of her memory is accurate. She accurately remembers that she had this home; what she's forgotten is all that has happened meanwhile.

But your mother genuinely and sincerely believes what she is saying, and what's more she is very clear in her own mind about it. Explaining, as Maggie suggests, why her memory is playing tricks and deceiving her might help (it did for my mother, too); but it could be a long haul and you can probably expect to have to do it with tedious regularity, I'm sorry to say. Another suggestion would be a memory book or scrap album, which could contain a time line showing when the house was sold, when she moved in with you, and so on. Best of luck.

Absolutely CM I find a photograph album works wonders. Especially if you can track her time. I have pictures of Mum as a girl with her Mum and Dad then with my dad then with them in their first second and third homes and now in this home pictures before and when dad got ill, their pets over time, their holidays, their friends. It is all good for talking about and it can help take them to the right place.

Your mum sounds like she is in late stages of dementia which is associated with Parkinsons. Short term memory is going hence the recall to the long term memories. Reasoning normally does not work so your wasting your time. Play along with her, lie when necessary and direct her attention to something else. Life will be a lot easier.

I agree with Alan, normal reasoning will not work. My mother became quite paranoid about her money and no reassurances were enough. In the end anti depressants in a mild dose helped. At first i was showing her statements and explaining but then just carried on managing her finances with the poa and joint bank account. I no longer showed her statements because they no longer made sense to her and she just got upset. If she asks, i just tell her all is well and taken care of.

My 90 year old Dad does the same thing except he went one more step and took me off of POA in the bank. Bank never contacted me nor acted any differently when I came to balance out statements. When both parents were in hospital I paid everything out of his account. Taxes on house and bills. What he got mad about was the doctor bills that I paid. He said that he did not have to pay them. Mom has Medigap insurance but Dad does not so he owed a whole lot of money (20%) of his bill. Did not understand why Mom's was fully paid. No reasoning at all with him. When I tried to say that he was correct he said that he was going to take me to court after Mom dies and sue us. (My husband and myself) The above does not work with my Dad. Did not know that dementia & Parkinson's goes hand and hand. Thanks!! will look it up by google.

If I would tell my mom her mind is playing tricks on her because of the medicine she is taking, she would get very angry and refuse to take her medicine. I just let her talk and change the subject.

Thanks. Those answers helped me. I have a husband with dementia who always wants to go home. I've tried everything but lying seems to work best, sorry to say.

It sounds as if she senses that something is wrong and she's trying to figure out what it is—and coming up with the wrong answers. This has to be quite unsettling for her. Rather than trying to correct her, I would suggest addressing her fear and reassuring her that she is safe now. Her home is with you now and everything is taken care of.

My mom and I go through similar discussions. Sometimes I "play along"....sure, if you'd rather go live with your mom that would be great! I think she's in heaven but we could try to find her phone number......I have gone as far as look up the address on "Google Earth" and explain that her mom and dad don't live there anymore that she sold the house to someone else......she just says, "Oh" and starts talking about other houses she remembers. We play like it's a trivia game. You can't reason with your parent anymore. You have to become the parent and just leave it at - you don't have to pay bills.....it's all taken care of for you. Or your insurance covers it....or it's free! I like that "lie" the best.
Goodluck!

Just hold her hand and tell her you love her, every time you hear something that's not quite right / even if she is wrong put that smile back on her face just because. From just losing my mom 8 months ago, I'd do anything to hear her voice and to see her smile!! I know it gets hard and my prayers are with those who have to care for their love ones , but my experience now it's harder not being able to have her here to take care of. Missing her so much, so get all the smiles and I Love yous in while you have the time ok . Keep the faith and God will give you the strength .

Have a meeting with your elder affairs lawyer and make certain you have no liability for her unpaid bills

I agree with the great advice on this string. It's so hurtful to be accused of lying but it happens eventually to most people who provide care for someone with dementia. It's no one's fault.

Acknowledging what they are thinking - I liked the phrase "because of your medications ...your mind is playing tricks on you." Hugs, smiles and a positive attitude (yes - I know that this is hard to portray when you are hurting inside) seems to be the only response.

This is a long hard road. It's wonderful to see the generosity of the people here sharing their pain and their solutions.
Carol

Love. the comment it's free. I will try that.

Let her know you will be glad to show her the bills then you will take her home - in a little while. You are very busy at the moment and have to finish a few things first. You can use this answer as many times as needed.

No amount of explaining that his memory is getting bad or any kind of reasoning has any effect on my Dad. Even if I managed to convince him that a certain bill is paid to there's money in his checking account he will forget 2 minutes later. Its a waste of time.

I just do what has to be done, tell him whatever he wants to hear and keep moving. The less he is involved in any financial affairs the better.

That is the dementia and it requires patients so try to understand and help her along the way.

Up until the week before she died, my mother wanted to go to the bank to check on her money. I would explain that she was fine and tell her that all her bills were paid. When she was confused on where she was, I told her that her mind was tired because it was 97 years old. She would then laugh and calm down.

Maghart, I am going through a similar situation now, exactly what you went through Nansacola. It is difficult not to take it personally and not to react, because you are family and you are living 24-7 in the situation. We all get tired out.

Since dad died last August, she is convinced that we won't be able to afford to stay here, despite me going over the financial statements and sources of income repeatedly. However, her cogitive capacity is so impaired that she does not understand the simplest of information and explanations. I am now off work for the summer because the children are out of school, so she's waking me up with battles blazing every morning, furious with me - as if I could actually work full time with mom in her condition. I tell her straight, she is not well and her fears have no basis in reality; that I am taking care of everything for her and just trust me, I will let you know when we have to worry. I also point out that the stress she is putting on me is going to make me ill and I won't be able to take care of her. Then I tell her I'm applying for part time jobs (lol).

Several years ago, before any of us really understood anything about dementia, mom wanted to go see her money at the bank. This request is not all that odd, since she grew up in the depression in rural NC. Nobody got out of the depression without being affected. A lot of people ended up so distrustful of banks they did keep their money "under the bed".

I lived 1800 miles away from her and the bank at that point in time. I told her that her money doesn't really live at the branch in town. She blew a giant fuse. That was a rookie mistake on my part, but I just didn't know how to handle her then. None of us did. She went into a panic and wanted to go to the branch office and withdraw all of it.

I told her they would not hand it over a bag of dollar bills and change because they don't keep that much cash on site (like in the movies). It would be a check she would have to take to another bank to deposit. "You can't really go touch your money these days mom. It's in a computer." This did not help her.

I did not understand her freak out and it seemed like it came from left field. Now I totally understand and would handle it very differently.

One of the most repeated questions on this forum is "how do I get mom/dad to..." It's so difficult to reconcile the way that you used to be able to interact with the person you are familiar with and the person that Alzheimer's has created. Like Betsy1 says, lying seems to work. But I don't call it lying, it's dealing with the reality in which your loved one lives.
For example, when my mother had to go to a nursing facility for several weeks to recover from hip surgery, she seemed to understand why she was there at first. However, after a while, she started calling my sister dozens of times a day to pick her up. She started being confused and thought she was actually at work (at a job she had over 50 years ago). She'd whisper into the phone, "I haven't told them yet, but I'm going to quit." I seized on that delusion and convinced her that she really needed to give them two weeks notice. That seemed reasonable to her, so each day when she called to say she was ready to come home, we'd remind her that she still had x number of days left.
So rather than argue with mom about the house you may have to be creative. Perhaps its inconvenient to go to the house because it's being painted, or we'll go in the fall when it's cooler...

I have already passed through this state with my Dad, and am just getting into it with my Mom. I have been paying all their bills for 3 years now and Dad is placed in a dementia facility. Mom is home with caregivers. I started out thinking I needed to keep the bills going to their home and to show my Dad summary statements each month so he could see his bills were paid and his money was OK. He had ALWAYS been the only one in charge of their money. I quickly figured out this just caused trouble. So all the bills that could be either done on line, with no statements to their home or sent to our address got changed. NOW it is Mom who just worries about every little statement that comes and doesn't remember why there is a bill.....and since we are now running out of assets and starting the qualifications for Medicaid for her, she is really bent out of shape about 'where has all our money gone. Your Dad said we would have plenty of money to do whatever we wanted the rest of our lives..." Even though her lawyer even tries to explain that Dad had a good plan but no one expected them to live this long and have all this medical expense so eventually the money gets used up. My Dad doesn't even care anymore, except fleetingly....and when he is more alert, I just reassure him that things are going well, I am taking care of Mom and all their bills are getting paid. He will make comments sometime, " I don't remember how much money we have left...but my memory just isn't good anymore..." And then I'll say, "Well Dad you asked me to take over and you still have money left and all the bills are paid..." He'll just say...Okay...just make sure you take care of your Mother..." or such. Mom is in a more difficult place, since she's not on meds to affect her brain, and refuses to even consider any....that won't work. So when she really bad...I just tell her to call the lawyer, and reassure her that I am paying all the bills and accounting to him for the money and he advises me. He plays the 'bad guy'. I also tell her to have her caregiver take her to the bank and ask for a statement from the POA account if she's so worried about it. But we fight about things like her thinking the yard guy should work for 4 hours and only get a $20 bill so she's made that I paid him $50 or $75. And things like a bill comes for her co pay from the hospital and she cannot remember she was even in the hospital for a week, so she immediately thinks the hospital is 'cheating' her. Sometimes I get so upset with her statements that I just say to her, " If you want to pay someone else to handle all this, just let me know." And then she'll assure me she doesn't believe I would be doing anything wrong to her. I've said to her before...."OK so you sound like you don't trust that I am paying bills and handling the money right....Now, really, why would I cheat you? Since I am the only child left here, don't you think it would make sense for me to take care of things best way I know how, since any thing left is coming to me anyhow? I am not denying you anything you need or want to do....and I am not even expecting anything to be left....but you are 89 and Dad is 93 and the money is just plain running out because it's expensive to live these days. I try to get the caregivers to get the new bills into an envelope and mailed to me right away, so she doesn't see them day after day and keep going over them with the same concerns too. It is a hard road to walk!!

I have been advised that it is impossible to reason with one who has dementia because that part of the person's brain, ordinarily used for administration understanding, has been damaged because of the disease. It is nothing personal when a person becomes angry over matters such as those you suggest. Instead of trying to reason it may be more beneficial to engage the person in conversation about the, in your case, house that once was and help your loved one to enjoy that memory. you may then help your loved one to jump from memories of that house to the next place she lived and enjoy those memories. If your loved one stills expresses anger it is best to try to move from that conversation to another that will engage your loved one. It is so hard not to take outbursts personally. Try to remember it is the disease talking and lashing out. Don't say that to your mom, though, because she believes what she is saying.

Families of loved ones with dementia sometimes feel compelled to give explanations or justifications. None of these are going to work because the part of the brain that processes logic and reasoning is destroyed by dementia. It sort of kind of seems to work partly but don't count on it. You can change the subject, make something up, put it off, and give a soothing non-answer (hugs are great, and the responses about "your mind is just tired" are also great). I tell all my clients who have an aging loved one with dementia this: you are hereby excused from telling the actual truth. Truth is for those who can process it. Your loved one can't. Skip "true" explanations altogether. Do whatever you can and say whatever you want to help mom or dad stay calm. Give yourself permission and never try to reason with someone whose reasoning ability has been demolished by brain disease. Carolyn Rosenblatt, RN, Attorney

Carolyn, I'm just playing devil's advocate here, because what you say makes a lot of sense. I'm thinking metacognition here. While part of the brain that processes logic and reasoning is diseased, is it an all or nothing scenario? I'm wondering if on some level, we can get a distorted glimpse of reality, like myopia - we can't see clearly, but we are not blind either. I think there are moments of lucidity when my mother does understand that she is not processing information and emotions efficiently. She has always needed to be in control, although, conversely, her standard responses to difficult life situations have been denial and rationalization (maybe those defence mechanisms put her more at risk for dementia in later life).

When I was suffering from moderate to severe anxiety disorder in my earlier years, I found it really helpful to know that my fears had little basis in reality. It did not stop me from feeling the terror or the physiological effects of a panic attack, but eventually I gained more control over emotional self-regulation.

I'm wondering if somehow we can develop an override system, a "notwithstanding clause" that yes, this is a psychological mirage of sorts that I see right now but, when I reach that proverial bend in the road, the water or whatever I am seeing is going to disappear.

Just some philosophical escapism for the very unpalatable reality of dementia.

Jude, I used the photo album the other day. GREAT! It kept him busy for almost an hour. Then he said...You are in almost all the pictures. LOL. He loves me so much and is so dependent upon my help. I would never go away even when he gets upset. Last night we could not find the volume control for the TV. I looked and looked and finally found it in his shirt pocket. That was after he said, I can never trust you with anything,,,Give you something and it gets lost. LOL

Oh this brings back memories...my 91 year old mother accused my sister and I of spending all her money and/or denying her of things she wanted. Those accusations have ended and now on the few occasions she may mention her finances she is easily redirected/distracted to another subject. While mentally she still has considerable wits about her - but she is completely unable to rationalize things anymore, including her finances. Hang in there - it is difficult to hear after all you've done for her - but know that she doesn't really have the mindset to rationalize things. It is true when they say "roles reverse" when you take care of your parents.

She is clearly longing for the past which is gone because that's the only part of her memory left. It is very sad when they cannot reason in the present. Try to reassure her that you are there to help her, you love her, and you would never lie to her. then make sure she undertstand that you will hep her just as much as she can. remind her gently that she sold her property many years ago. If you have pictures of it, you might try to find them.

My Mom tells people she has no money for their presents. I explain she does have money, I just need to write the check. She does talk about money every so often. I've been paying her bills for a while now. Personnally, I would not go over your Moms finances with her. All u do is confuse them. Just try to change the subject.

I disagree about trying to tell there's no more house,and I don't understand why you have to mention bills to someonei m her condition.I dealt withm ymom and about 15other patients with dementia/ Alzheimer's.it's what I do for a living.if she wants to see a bill,show her a very low bill,ask her if she wants to pay it or notwhen she speaks about the house,engage her in good memories she has,my poor mother even thought her son was a boyfriend,and other things too much to list.but changing the subject and/or diverting attentiono n something else works.God bless