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My husband and I have been her POA for a few years now and have handled all her financial and medical needs. The last two months shes been asking to go over her monthly income and questioning why she needs to pay certain bills. She is denying having any when I go over them with her. Mom has parkinsons and has always lived with us and shared the bills with us. She doesn't remember this and claims she has a home in another state (one she sold 20 yrs ago). When I explain she sold that house 20 yrs ago she gets angry and sad and wants to go there because she knows she has a house and we are lying to her.

I've had her talk to longtime friends to confirm my information but she doesn't seem to care. Still thinks we are lying. What can I do? I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I know I'm not. I know I'm not dealing with someone who can be reasoned with but I don't know how to calm her down either.

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I agree with the great advice on this string. It's so hurtful to be accused of lying but it happens eventually to most people who provide care for someone with dementia. It's no one's fault.

Acknowledging what they are thinking - I liked the phrase "because of your medications ...your mind is playing tricks on you." Hugs, smiles and a positive attitude (yes - I know that this is hard to portray when you are hurting inside) seems to be the only response.

This is a long hard road. It's wonderful to see the generosity of the people here sharing their pain and their solutions.
Carol
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When mom went off on tangents due to her dementia, what finally worked well was saying, "Mom, I know that you really think that, but it's not true. Because of all of the medication you need to stay well, your mind is playing tricks on you. You know in your heart that I wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you..." followed by a great big hug.

That was my solution. See if it works for you. I think it somehow comforted her because I both ACKNOWLEDGED what she thought and helped her understand why she thought that way.
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Your mum sounds like she is in late stages of dementia which is associated with Parkinsons. Short term memory is going hence the recall to the long term memories. Reasoning normally does not work so your wasting your time. Play along with her, lie when necessary and direct her attention to something else. Life will be a lot easier.
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Absolutely CM I find a photograph album works wonders. Especially if you can track her time. I have pictures of Mum as a girl with her Mum and Dad then with my dad then with them in their first second and third homes and now in this home pictures before and when dad got ill, their pets over time, their holidays, their friends. It is all good for talking about and it can help take them to the right place.
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I agree with Alan, normal reasoning will not work. My mother became quite paranoid about her money and no reassurances were enough. In the end anti depressants in a mild dose helped. At first i was showing her statements and explaining but then just carried on managing her finances with the poa and joint bank account. I no longer showed her statements because they no longer made sense to her and she just got upset. If she asks, i just tell her all is well and taken care of.
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If I would tell my mom her mind is playing tricks on her because of the medicine she is taking, she would get very angry and refuse to take her medicine. I just let her talk and change the subject.
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Agree - acknowledging what she believes to be true is important; and in this case even better you can confirm that part of her memory is accurate. She accurately remembers that she had this home; what she's forgotten is all that has happened meanwhile.

But your mother genuinely and sincerely believes what she is saying, and what's more she is very clear in her own mind about it. Explaining, as Maggie suggests, why her memory is playing tricks and deceiving her might help (it did for my mother, too); but it could be a long haul and you can probably expect to have to do it with tedious regularity, I'm sorry to say. Another suggestion would be a memory book or scrap album, which could contain a time line showing when the house was sold, when she moved in with you, and so on. Best of luck.
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My mom and I go through similar discussions. Sometimes I "play along"....sure, if you'd rather go live with your mom that would be great! I think she's in heaven but we could try to find her phone number......I have gone as far as look up the address on "Google Earth" and explain that her mom and dad don't live there anymore that she sold the house to someone else......she just says, "Oh" and starts talking about other houses she remembers. We play like it's a trivia game. You can't reason with your parent anymore. You have to become the parent and just leave it at - you don't have to pay bills.....it's all taken care of for you. Or your insurance covers it....or it's free! I like that "lie" the best.
Goodluck!
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Up until the week before she died, my mother wanted to go to the bank to check on her money. I would explain that she was fine and tell her that all her bills were paid. When she was confused on where she was, I told her that her mind was tired because it was 97 years old. She would then laugh and calm down.
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Thanks. Those answers helped me. I have a husband with dementia who always wants to go home. I've tried everything but lying seems to work best, sorry to say.
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