I am so upset and angry. I have been living with, and helping to take care of my 94-year-old Mom for almost 10 years. I was recently diagnosed with Stage III Melanoma and my Mom doesn't seem to be able to show any real concern. I will have to go through a year of immunotherapy. She just looks at me when I try to explain what has happened. I never get the "I'm so sorry that you are going through this". She seems to be oblivious and I am angry. I guess at her age she is only concerned about her own issues. Yes, she does have a degree of dementia but I guarantee you if this had been her son she would have been much more supportive. Please help me to understand that dementia takes away from normal humam emotions so I can no longer be furious.
I forgot to mention that my birthday was on September 3rd. She has a massive amount of old cards in her "hoarder" den but she couldn't find the time to find one for me. I understand that only I, and my brother, can take her out of the house but why couldn't she find the time to give me a birthday card. I got nothing. For the second time in a row.
Dementia prevents a person from feeling compassion for anyone but themselves, ordinarily. Try to focus on yourself now and your treatments and recovery rather than your mother who is in another world. It tends to be highly aggravating to be caring for someone else when you have your own health to deal with now.
God bless you and give you good results with the immunotherapy.
Please concentrate on your treatment and general well-being.
Forget what Mom thinks, obviously she has no empathy. I know it is not easy.
Living with and caring for your 94-year-old mother who has dementia is going to make this a whole new level of tough. Ten years is so long! I couldn’t hack it even with perfect health.
When my dad had frontotemporal dementia he went rapidly from a normal caring father and husband to oblivious of the feelings of others and unable to perceive or care that others have their own point of view.
Like I told him at one point that I had lost my job and he didn’t respond to that at all, just returned to complaining about something about a movie on TV. Or my son called to say he had been accepted to his top choice college and my dad changed the subject to something else mundane immediately. Later on, he talked a lot less and I took him to a doctor appointment which happened to be on my birthday. He wanted to sign in with his name and the date. He asked me the date and I said it, thinking maybe hearing me, his first born, recite the date of my birth and him writing it on the form might remind him, but no. He didn’t say “happy birthday” or anything else. I knew it was the dementia had robbed him, but it still really hurt and made me sad.
What you describe also reminds me of one time when my son was about 3. He had a really bad stomach flu for a few days and of course I took off work and nursed him through it. The day he felt better was of course the day I started throwing up. He wanted to go to the playground and was crying not because he felt bad for me, but because it was ruining his plans. It’s kind of like that with dementia I think. Sometimes they just lose compassion but also the ability to grasp that other people have perspectives and feelings too.
i feel for you and hope you can find a way to lighten your caregiver load so that you can focus on your own health.
I'm sorry for your diagnosis and hope the treatments go well, but you now must remind yourself that your moms brain is permanently broken and that more than likely things will remain all about her until her death.
Dementia sucks...that's a fact. If your moms lack of concern bothers you too much you may want to move out so you can concentrate on your healing and surround yourself with people who truly care. Mom will have to hire in-home help for herself or perhaps your brother will step up to help out if and when you leave. One can hope anyway.
But bottom line, you must now take extra good care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually so you can heal from your cancer. And you must, best you can keep any and all outside stress out of your life.
I wish you well in doing just that.
But also, I think just the nature of aging, especially into the "extended" time frame, shrinks your vision of what is important in the world.
I compare it to "early childhood play stages" that very young children do, before they develop the skills to interact with and coordinate play with other children. They can be playing just fine next to each other - but honestly don't even realize the other child is there unless they take their toy or interfere with their play in some way. In other words, unless they disrupt the status quo or interfere in the plan.
For many elderly - this 'regression' back to only really having the energy or capacity to concentrate on their wants and needs is first and foremost (and let's face it some people NEVER move FROM that stage as they enter adulthood, so there is nothing to regress back to). Their world shrinks to making sure that they have what they need, and it leaves little room for focusing on the needs of others.
My FIL - who probably isn't the best example because he was also a narcissist lol, was so self-centric that when my SIL needed surgery -his first response was not "I'm sorry you are in pain" it was "who's going to take care of me?". And with absolutely zero consideration for her at all, he immediately jumped into how my DH needed to leave me and our daughters and move over there and take care of him. He quite literally never asked about SIL's health again (and she never had the surgery).
This is also the man who called me WHILE my DH was having spinal surgery. not to see how the surgery was going...but to ask me how long he would be out of work because he had things he needed done around his house!!
Now, I have to account for his personality disorder. But I also saw my grandmother sacrifice my mother's needs or ignore them completely for 4 years. And as far as I know she didn't have a personality disorder. She just became 100% self-focused the older she got.
If you couple that with dementia, which robs a person of their normal personality to begin with, there isn't a lot that can be done to change the behavior, if anything at all.
It is hurtful and hard to accept. But to your point, she is only concerned with her own issues because that's all she really has the capacity or the understanding to focus on. Especially with dementia, it is not intentional, their mind just doesn't work the same way anymore.
It’s time you focus on you and getting well . IMO , this means you stepping back and moving out to your own apartment if you live in Mom’s home . If you are living in your home , Mom moving to assisted living . Either way a new plan is needed that you are relieved of caregiving . It’s too stressful especially with your own medical problem.
My suggestion is breathe deep and move on because you'll never win. Good luck ♥️
As far as your mother’s condition, I really feel like it depends on how she was with you before her dementia. If she adored you always, then you have to KNOW that it is the disease not her that is contributing to her lack of empathy. Knowing that will help you to understand that she just can’t help her behavior. BUT, if you never had a very good relationship with her in the past, if would surely make the lack of empathy on her part, not seem to feel intentional.
Taking care of her is a wonderful act of love on your part, and your brother should be doing equal parts of care for her or financial help for you if he is not near.
Your mother IS at the end of her lifespan, and you have to fight hard to beat this cancer. You do NEED HELP from others so you can heal.
Best of luck to you all. 🙏🍀❤️
Just thought you, and others, might like to know what's not appreciated to hear by folks facing ugly cancer treatments and ugly PET scans. That you'll pray for God to help us is a much better thing to say. Or wishing us strength for the days ahead because sister, there ain't no exercise happenin anytime soon. Melanoma is a witch with a B.
Your mother's brain is unreliable. She may not have known it was your birthday, or she may have forgotten how she would respond to your birthday.
Don't look to her to lift you up, to give you support, or empathy. She is simply not able. You have been taking care of her for 10 years, she only knows that she needs you and she has become completely dependent on you. It's like a role reversal, she is now the child and you are the adult in charge. It's not reasonable to expect her to know how to respond to your issues like cancer or birthdays.
Your anger with her is misplaced.
I know it is frustrating. I have been taking care of my husband for 10 years. He suffered a massive stroke at the age of 53, which caused traumatic brain injury.
My once loving, supportive husband has become like a fussy, demanding child who no longer recognizes me as his wife and won't allow me to give him a hug or kiss. It makes me so sad. Sometimes I cry and curse the universe.
But, I still love him and so I get over it and give him a smile and try and meet his needs, understanding that he has no control over his mind any more.
Find support from elsewhere; a spouse, a good friend, a support group, or even a therapist.
You don't mention if this behavior is out of character for your mother. If she was always dismissive of you and not supportive as a parent, then definitely a good therapist is in order to help you reconcile your feelings and take charge of your own emotional health.
For your own good, you need to stop focussing on her dysfunctional behaviour and focus on your own health and welfare. I agree a therapist could help you change your expectations, realign your priorities. and heal from the hurts caused by your family. You must come first now.
Your mother will not change at this point in her life except for the worse. The change that will help you has to come from you. Wishing you the best for healing and peace.
Try to think of your caregiving stint as just a job and begin to distance yourself from your mother. Don't share any of your cancer information with her anymore. You will not get the responses you are hoping for.
Best of luck with the immunotherapy. Make sure you have a caregiving back up plan because there can be side effects, and you might not be up to caring for your mom during your treatment.
There are parts of the brain that control empathy and emotional response, and they can decline and erode with age and dementia. So please don't take it personally even though it is hurtful.
Maybe you should consider having your mother move to assisted living, or hiring in-home caregivers for her needs, so that you can concentrate on your own health going forward. You'll need to rest and to limit your stress, for your own sake. Let us know how things go.
There are times in life when we can really use a mom to make us the center of the universe….or just give us a hug. if you’ve got those memories in your past, dust them off and recycle them. If not, make some with the moms who appear in your life.
It is 22 days late for Sept 3, but I want to say Happy Happy Birthday. 🎂🎈🎉🎁🎊
You are a wonderful person who is spending precious days with one who is in need and has passed the point of showing compassion or understanding that they still have gifts to give.
You, Summermole, have gifts to give and have encouraged me to be a better person. To remember that a simple card can remind someone that they are loved and that they matter. That looking into the eyes of another who is ill and saying I’m sorry is a healing gesture and matters to both the giver and the receiver.
Why not give yourself a party? Why not celebrate the 3rd of each month until your next birthday? Make yourself two cards. One a happy birthday and another a get well soon card. Pin these on a curtain or bulletin board or tucked into a Chair rail or lined across your bathroom mirror. Or decorate a tree with them or past them in a scrapbook. Whatever you can do to remind you often of the gift that is YOU. Celebrate dear Summermole.
Seize the day for yourself early and often. Play music. Dance. Wave to the world. We see you Summermole. Thank you for sharing and reminding us that what we do and don’t do matters. 😇
You have a lot to be furious about. Don’t tell yourself that you want to “no longer be furious”. Let this justified fury work in your favor for once. Just remember that if cancer gets the better of you, M and B will be left to sort it all out anyway.
Sadly, feelings and emotions disappear along with short term memory.
I live with my 92yo mom who has dementia and she remembers everyone's birthday, but mine.
Ten years is a long time and probably contributed to your condition.
Get counseling to help you process everything you're going through--past and present.
Consider putting mom in a home if you can.
If you can't put mom in a home, drop her off at your brother's house and let him take over while you prioritize yourself.
SUMMERNOLE, YOU ARE LOVED 💟
Your mom is 94 years old has dementia and is a hoarder, she obviously has serious mental issues.
Due to her age and the other problems her cognitive function may be largely impaired.
This is the time to take very good care of yourself. Your mom may not be capable of understanding what you are experiencing.
Join a support group, your doctor or hospital can provide you with that information.
Practice lots and lots of self care.
Wishing you the best.