What to do when my Mom has dementia and doesn't know who she is?

"You are a wonderful woman. Your name is Mary. You have had a long and useful life. I am your daughter. Your are a very fine mother. I am so grateful that you raised me to be strong and caring and that I can take care of myself. Many, many years ago you married George. He was a good husband and father. The two you loved each other very much."

If it is consistent with her beliefs you might say that she and George will be together again in heaven.

Tell a little story of her life that includes who she loved and who loved her.

My husband had LBD, and in that kind of dementia it is not typical to lose memories of people. And he did know us all right to the very end. But ...

Early in the disease he was sitting in our living room and as I walked by he said, politely, would you have a minute to talk to me? I said of course and sat down next to him. He looked at me and said, "Do you know who I am? I can't figure it out."

Wow. I wasn't prepared for that! But I approached it as I described above. I talked about his work life and what a smart engineer he had been, and his first marriage, and our marriage, and our children. I kept it simple and factual and upbeat. I ended with "And now you have a disease that is making you forget somethings sometimes. But I am here to help you out when that happens. Together we'll manage this disease." That was the only time he asked who he was.

Can you imagine how terrifying it would be to not know who you are?

Don't feel that you need to tell her her husband died. Tell her he's away and will be back later. She won't remember what you told her. She will only be upset by it. This is the time for kind white lies.

My Mother has Dementia and I tell little white lies all of the time. Someone told her that her oldest son died. I spent days consoling her from crying. I think it is our duty to make sure our loved ones are comfortable and whatever they can remember let it be the best memories that they can have. I hate this disease and it can be overwhelming create as many good memories as you can with the time you have left

This is a very sad stage of the disease -- not that any stages of dementia are ever happy. But the end stage is very difficult to watch. My heart goes out to you.

Is hospice involved in Mom's care at this point? If not, that is something to consider. They can make sure she is comfortable and also offer comfort to you.

She may not know who you are or who she is, but your presence is probably touching her on some level. Be there when you can. Touch her, talk to her.

Some days are worse than others. My mom
sometimes thinks she is my daughter.
I always agree to keep her calm.

jeannegibbs, what a gracious and positive approach
you have. Very inspiring and insightful.

Photo albums are good to prompt memory. Sit and reminisce with her. Even if she doesn't remember the photos they can still give her comfort. Try also putting a playlist of her favourite songs from the past and present onto a CD or iPod and play it for her. Music is very powerful at evoking memory even it is just a feeling of joy and pleasure

JeanGibbs, Your approach is terrific. I have LBD and yesterday in my Dr's surgery I suddenly realised that while I knew he was a Dr. who on earth was I and why was I there? It only lasted a short time and he was brilliant, but yes, it was one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever gone through. Absolutely every bit of personal knowledge was gone. I knew the year, and all the social stuff but nothing related to me.
1 hr later a car reversed into my wheelchair and the driver told me that she hadn't seen me as I was invisible! Damaged my chair and fractured clavicle but I'm still here and today I know what that means :~)

LucyCW, Thanks for sharing with us. We don't often get a glimpse of what is happening from the person it is happening to. It is usefu!