My mom has moderate dementia and continuously calls me to come over to her house. What can I do to keep from going insane?

Thank you for your advice. My mom and dad both live at home together. He is in the beginning stages of dementia also-the symptoms started a few months ago. They both go to a day center 3 days a week-and it has been a godsend. I have tried to get an aide to come and see them on the other days but they have chased every one of them away. The aide will offer to help- mom will tell her there is nothing for her to do-so the aide just sits and visits-then mom complains to the service that all the aide does is sit on the couch. lol I discussed this with their care team and we decided for at least the time being to discontinue the aides. They function "ok" at home it is not the best situation but at least they are home. My mother has always been clingy and possessive with me- hated all my friends, my husband etc., even resents my daughter at times if i happen to spend the day with my daughter instead of her. I feel so trapped..and I just need a break where i don't have to be on call and forced to go over there every day i am home whether i want to or not.
The center suggested that i join a dementia care support group-so here I am. It is a comfort to know that there are others going through similar situations that i am going through.

You have to set boundaries. It's hard but eventually it helps. Give her a heads up. Tell her you need to focus on yourself a bit and you need her support. Tell her when you will come by and stick to it. Tell her to call 911 if she has an emergency. She may be lonely. Offer suggestions on what she can do or who else she can call. Maybe a fresh phone book or a list of old friends and family with their phone numbers listed for her easy access would help. See that she gets out occasionally. She may be suffering from anxiety. If she needs help with items at home, look for an aid and discuss with mom how much it would cost her. She will become more needy as time goes by so it's important to recognize and address this issue now. Many patents feel that your free time is their time and at first we don't notice but it adds up if we don't set some boundaries.

Dealing with behavior that is caused by dementia is so frustrating. I'd try to develop a strategy so you can function and actually look forward to speaking with and visiting your mom. I'd try to think of what is reasonable. With the dementia, the reasoning goes, so your mom may not be aware that you have to work and can't stay with her around the clock. You have to use your good judgment and accept that she may not be able to understand.

I'd first read a lot about the behaviors that come with dementia. That way, you can anticipate things that may develop as she progresses. My first question would be who is supervising your mom now during the day? I take it that she lives in her own home. Is your dad there as well? Does he see what's happening? Does he understand that he may need to stop it and if so, does he have the tools to help stop it?

At some point, the person with dementia needs supervising, because they are not able to process their time and activities. They also may become confused, scared, and anxious. That's why my LO called me so much. She would tell me that things looked strange, different and she felt that she was in a dream. So, I can see why they want loved ones near them. They need comfort and reassurance. Only, it may need to be continuance, all day with another person. Can she afford for that kind of service?

I might explore getting her help during the day who can redirect her attention to other things and not calling you so much. Also, what about Senior Day Centers? Some are set up for dementia patients. Also, some people let the call go to voice mail and then you call her back when you can.

I'd keep in mind that she likely has no memory of how many times she calls you. Each time, is like the first to her.

If she's overly anxious, I'd discuss medication with her doctor. That helped my LO and she wasn't so anxious, worried and scared, so she didn't need me around so much.

I'd keep in mind that this behavior often comes in stages and it may not last long. Eventually, the patient may lose interest in calling or lose the skills to use the phone and cannot call any longer.  It varies.

I hope you get some more suggestions and find some ideas that might help.