My mom has moderate dementia and continuously calls me to come over to her house. What can I do to keep from going insane?

Dealing with behavior that is caused by dementia is so frustrating. I'd try to develop a strategy so you can function and actually look forward to speaking with and visiting your mom. I'd try to think of what is reasonable. With the dementia, the reasoning goes, so your mom may not be aware that you have to work and can't stay with her around the clock. You have to use your good judgment and accept that she may not be able to understand.

I'd first read a lot about the behaviors that come with dementia. That way, you can anticipate things that may develop as she progresses. My first question would be who is supervising your mom now during the day? I take it that she lives in her own home. Is your dad there as well? Does he see what's happening? Does he understand that he may need to stop it and if so, does he have the tools to help stop it?

At some point, the person with dementia needs supervising, because they are not able to process their time and activities. They also may become confused, scared, and anxious. That's why my LO called me so much. She would tell me that things looked strange, different and she felt that she was in a dream. So, I can see why they want loved ones near them. They need comfort and reassurance. Only, it may need to be continuance, all day with another person. Can she afford for that kind of service?

I might explore getting her help during the day who can redirect her attention to other things and not calling you so much. Also, what about Senior Day Centers? Some are set up for dementia patients. Also, some people let the call go to voice mail and then you call her back when you can.

I'd keep in mind that she likely has no memory of how many times she calls you. Each time, is like the first to her.

If she's overly anxious, I'd discuss medication with her doctor. That helped my LO and she wasn't so anxious, worried and scared, so she didn't need me around so much.

I'd keep in mind that this behavior often comes in stages and it may not last long. Eventually, the patient may lose interest in calling or lose the skills to use the phone and cannot call any longer.  It varies.

I hope you get some more suggestions and find some ideas that might help.

You have to set boundaries. It's hard but eventually it helps. Give her a heads up. Tell her you need to focus on yourself a bit and you need her support. Tell her when you will come by and stick to it. Tell her to call 911 if she has an emergency. She may be lonely. Offer suggestions on what she can do or who else she can call. Maybe a fresh phone book or a list of old friends and family with their phone numbers listed for her easy access would help. See that she gets out occasionally. She may be suffering from anxiety. If she needs help with items at home, look for an aid and discuss with mom how much it would cost her. She will become more needy as time goes by so it's important to recognize and address this issue now. Many patents feel that your free time is their time and at first we don't notice but it adds up if we don't set some boundaries.

Thank you for your advice. My mom and dad both live at home together. He is in the beginning stages of dementia also-the symptoms started a few months ago. They both go to a day center 3 days a week-and it has been a godsend. I have tried to get an aide to come and see them on the other days but they have chased every one of them away. The aide will offer to help- mom will tell her there is nothing for her to do-so the aide just sits and visits-then mom complains to the service that all the aide does is sit on the couch. lol I discussed this with their care team and we decided for at least the time being to discontinue the aides. They function "ok" at home it is not the best situation but at least they are home. My mother has always been clingy and possessive with me- hated all my friends, my husband etc., even resents my daughter at times if i happen to spend the day with my daughter instead of her. I feel so trapped..and I just need a break where i don't have to be on call and forced to go over there every day i am home whether i want to or not.
The center suggested that i join a dementia care support group-so here I am. It is a comfort to know that there are others going through similar situations that i am going through.

Everyone's advice is so good. Another thing that may make you feel guilty, but will save your sanity is giving yourself permission not to answer the phone. You most likely know your mother is safe and that she wants to ask you to come over. Is your father there? If so, you know she is okay. Decide how often and when you will answer the phone calls. She may leave messages, but that is okay.

Many have told me not to answer the phone and I think I may have to do that. I just worry what if I don't answer and it is an emergency? But you are right they both have the medic alert necklaces and paces number to call so maybe that is the solution in and of itself...

Amostcrazync,
I do feel for you. Both of them have dementia...that's a lot of responsibility. I can see why you feel you have to answer the phone. You know that something could happen and your parents call 911. As the adult child, we are keenly aware of seniors with dementia living alone. It's scary, because there are risk associated with it. Regardless, of whether a person claims they are okay, can function, etc., they are progressing to where they will not be. Except for the early stages, it is risky. Some people are in complete denial that anything is wrong, but, their care has to proceed regardless. It's tough. There are some threads around here about how some people deal with it.

I pulled up into my LO's driveway TWICE with ambulance and firetrucks in front. I knew then, she could not be left unattended. Once she called 911 because she was anxious and couldn't get her tv to work right. The other time a neighbor called 911 because she went on her porch and appeared to act odd. During this time, she would call me repeatedly to come and visit. I went everyday, but, it wasn't enough.

I'd re-evaluate if home is where they can have their needs met. Eventually, they will need around the clock care, regardless of what they might say. It's a safety thing and their mind may not allow them to accept help. Still, that's part of the illness and being resistant to care is common.

Are you the Durable POA and Healthcare POA? If so, I'd discuss it with their doctor and explore the options. Whether they can have around the clock care or move to a Memory Care unit or if they are private pay or will need to apply for Medicaid. Has that been worked out? I'd get things sorted before there is a crisis. With two dementia patients, that would be overwhelming. Things to check on is them leaving stove on, letting in strangers, eating spoiled food, injuring self.  Also, check their ability to use an Emergency Alert.  I know some seniors who fell and didn't use it.  They just couldn't remember how to use it. 

I hope you can find some things that work for you all. Please post about how things go.

Just so you know, this is a very common scenario.

Elder needs more care. Will not accept outside help. Adult child, often a senior themselves, works him/herself to death/exhaustion running to "save" parent. Child begs parent to move to AL, get aides, etc. Parent refuses.

Child either dies/becomes ill/refuses. Parent falls/has serious injury/illness. Is sent to Nursing Home.

This is NOT YOUR FAULT. You can't reason with dementia. You are waiting for an accident to happen; parent will be hospitalized and it will be determined that they can no longer live at home.

If it is a true emergency what are YOU going to do about it? Think about it...if one of them was having a heart attack should they call you or 911 first? I had the same issue with my father. Would call and want me to come over for some 'emergency'. Even expect me to leave work. And I'd find out the emergency was him needing his remote reprogrammed. I learned to not return his phone calls immediately and if he insisted I come right over I would not be available for at least 2 days. Every single time the 'emergency' worked itself out on its own.

@Sunnygirl- thankfully last year we got them involved with the area senior care center which does home visits and assessments- they had their most recent one 2 days ago. Right now thanks to pace they are in adult day care 3 days a week,the medical alert company they have does regular checks to make sure the buttons are working properly and that they know how to use them. They have both named me as their health care poa in the event they cannot make their own decisions. I think the bases are covered so far in that respect but I appreciate all the suggestions and advice and if you think of anything else please let me know. I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes that I need to know others opinion to weigh in and make sure i am making the best possible decisions for my parents. I love them both very dearly-but I am an only child and there are no siblings to discuss their care with it is just me and I am so glad that i joined this site-the support has been remarkable.
BarbBrooklyn- this is my big worry - what if something happens to me- who will take care of them. I am exhausted-but not ready to give in just yet..But i am at the point where "somethings gotta give" and soon. Many of the suggestions i have been given so far have been extremely helpful and I welcome any insights as I am traveling this road alone- and done want to make errors.
lkdrymom- you are exactly right- did your father "throw tantrums" too? My dad will decide he wants something or wants something done and when he wants it done it will be immediately or if it is an item from the store he will threaten to take his hoverround across the busy street to the local grocery store. If it is something he wants done he will attempt to do it himself whether physically able or not. I am starting to try the delaying going over if they bug me tactic but i dont know how well it will work. Thank you for sharing about your dad it is very similar to what i am going through...

i know what you mean my mom might be at that point around 3 pm she really goes crazy.it took me a extra hour to cut my grass she kept calling me in i like to go back to read other comments ..if you have something like that i wander if other people can visit her ..pay attention to the time see if it is around the same time .. it might be the sundown effect .she gets real mean & crazy .. good luck but i think it is difficult .than it is made out to be ..

Hi Almostcrazy,
I can absolutely relate to your predicament. I'm in a very similar one. My mother is mod/severe Alz, she lives with husband (20 yrs married not my dad). Their commitment, I don't believe has ever been true love - more companionship. Understandably her illness is thing it's toll on her husband. I have three days off work a week. Of those days I see mum two full days, pick her up in the morning, take her out and feed her. That leaves me one day with my husband, and like you having to do sll household chores. Mum will  NOT have ANYONE or go anywhere except with me, my husband or her husband.
Like you, I'm at thd end of my tether. I worry bout her all day when I'm at work, coz not sure if husband keeps such a keen eye on her.
I'm now thinkin of giving up my job and bringing her to live with us. I'm under no illusion how difficult if will be. But it is a terminal illness so maybe It would be less stressful than trying to hold down a responsible job and look after mum.
Sometimes I think I'm 'loosing' it. But I know I would suffer more if I put her in a NH.
Good luck. Try to remember it is a terminal illness. The most important thing is to look after yourself through it all, then  you can give your mum the best 'you' your circumstances permit.

Hi Almostcrazy,
I can absolutely relate to your predicament. I'm in a very similar one. My mother is mod/severe Alz, she lives with husband (20 yrs married not my dad). Their commitment, I don't believe has ever been true love - more companionship, understandably her illness is thing it's toll on her husband. I have three days off work a week. Of those days I see mum two full days, pick her up in the morning, take her out and feed her. That leaves me one day with my husband, and like you having to do sll household chores. Mum will have ANYONE or go anywhere except me, my husband or her husband.
Like you, I'm at thd end of my tether. I worry bout her all day when I'm at work, coz not sure if husband keeps such a keen eye on her.
I'm now thinkin of giving up my job and bringing her to live with us. I'm under no illusion how difficult if will be. But it is a terminal illness so maybe It would be less stressful than trying to hold down a responsible job and look after mum.
Sometimes I think I'm 'loosing' it. But I know I would suffer more if I put her in a NH.
Good luck. Try to remember it is a terminal illness. The most important thing is to look after yourself through it all, then can give your mum the best 'you' your circumstances permit.

Hi Almostcrazy,
I can absolutely relate to your predicament. I'm in a very similar one. My mother is mod/severe Alz, she lives with husband (20 yrs married not my dad). Their commitment, I don't believe has ever been true love - more companionship, understandably her illness is thing it's toll on her husband. I have three days off work a week. Of those days I see mum two full days, pick her up in the morning, take her out and feed her. That leaves me one day with my husband, and like you having to do sll household chores. Mum will have ANYONE or go anywhere except me, my husband or her husband.
Like you, I'm at thd end of my tether. I worry bout her all day when I'm at work, coz not sure if husband keeps such a keen eye on her.
I'm now thinkin of giving up my job and bringing her to live with us. I'm under no illusion how difficult if will be. But it is a terminal illness so maybe It would be less stressful than trying to hold down a responsible job and look after mum.
Sometimes I think I'm 'loosing' it. But I know I would suffer more if I put her in a NH.
Good luck. Try to remember it is a terminal illness. The most important thing is to look after yourself through it all, then can give your mum the best 'you' your circumstances permit.

Sorry about the repeated post there everyone. Don't know how that happened lol.

Reading this I can so relate. My dad has lived here in my city now for 4 years. First in IL and now in AL. he too will call me in the evening mostly and it is only to complain about something not working right or someone is stealing something etc. he never calls just to say hello of course. I've had a very rough year with him recently having an appendectomy at 95! So the anesthesia has messed him up a bit too. Anyway, as the only one of 4 daughters living here, I began to be exhausted mentally and physically and felt resentful. I decided I could no longer answer my phone after 5:30 at night. It's never an emergency and I need to claim that time as mine and my husbands. Luckily for me he is in AL where emergencies can be dealt with. But it boils down to deciding how important your mental health and well being are. You might also consider a shirt term bout with a therapist, which I just recently did. As an only child you do shoulder a large burden. I often feel like an only child because I'm the only one living near him. Please set boundaries as others have mentioned. It is not your duty or burden to go through life like that or you will get ill.

Hi, working with elders over years and also working with my disabled brother, I've learned over time how to work around the objections that are basically in fear. A lot can be resolved if you plan which times you will be available, that work for you. If those are not enough times for your elders, hire others or make a plan for activities on a regular day. If you hire an aide, hire them to do a particular task, that's helpful and non-threatening: like make breakfast. After the aide has been there a while, working, they can add on another task or two.

Point is to be positive, and also focused and firm with plans, not explain them, for the elder loves just the conversation or argument. Agree with their feelings, say it sounds rough, and then repeat what your plan is, repeating which day you will be there. Either make a chart for them, and then when talking on the phone, keep repeating the days, it takes much longer for them to remember your schedule. You sound cheerful, glad to hear from them, but rushed: glad that they called, convey, "I love you, and I'm glad I'll be seeing you soon, because it's almost Tuesday! I have to go, but I'll see you then." And just agree with what they say, and say bye, and hang up. After enough reminders and you sticking to those days, the elder gradually learns to remember the schedule. What they can't do is learn instantly, or if they can, they won't remember.

This is simple. Take the phone off the hook. And periodically check messages on the phone. Dementia is THEIR problem, not yours. You should not be punished because someone has dementia. Or, turn the ringer off and don't answer the phone.

I don't know where my post is so here I go again. Either take phone off the hook or turn ringer off and periodically check the messages. This person is no longer the person who existed before. That is NOT YOUR fault. You must think of YOU first and your welfare, etc. Tell the person you did not hear the phone or you were on the line. In other words, DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE!

I thank God that I am retired. I have not dealt well with Moms dementia. I am aware what I should do but when the time comes, I try to reason with someone who doesn't reason anymore. I hate being the meanie and the only one out of 3 children who does it all. I can't imagine working and doing what I do. And that is for one person.

I tried not answering the phone the other day- I was out with a friend and had explained to mom the night before i would not be available the following day. I explained that if they had an emergency that they could press the button on their medic alert necklace or call pace or 911. Well of course that was not acceptable- while she did remember i was spending the day with a friend she started calling about 4pm. The friend that i was with fortunately has been through what i am going through and she helped talk me through not answering the phone. The second call came at 4:45 saying "this is your mother call me I am worried about you. I know you were spending the day with a friend but why aren't you home yet? I started feeling bad not wanting to worry and my friend suggested having one of my children call and tell her I was ok and would not be home until the next afternoon. This worked and the calls stopped. When talking to her the next day- of course I went over lol. She asked about my day with my friend but had no recollection that she had called me twice after I had asked her not too. Is this selective memory common in dementia or is she trying to manipulate me? Thoughts?

The other day Mom asked for money. She is in an AL she needs no money. So I tried to explain this. She kept saying someone needed it. When I got home it came to me to just tell her I'd bring it to her the next day. She would not remember even asking. Would have saved a lot of explaining.

I heard of way to ck on your computer of mom in home. Might be worth talking to tech person.

I AM CARING FOR AN 82 YR OLD MAN IN MY HOME. WE RODE THE SCHOOL BUS TOGETHER BACK IN THE 1950'S. SO WE ARE OLD FRIENDS AND THAT DOES MAKE A DIFFERENCE. HE IS NOW NOT ABLE TO LIVE ALONE FOR MEDICAL SAFETY AND ALSO DEMENTIA REASONS. A KEY THING HERE IS THAT WE TRUST EACH OTHER AND ENJOY EACH OTHER. HAVING STATED THAT I STILL HAVE THE PROBLEMS THAT CHILDREN OF PEOPLE WITH DEMENTIA HAVE. YOU MANY THINK THAT BECAUSE WE LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE I AM NOT ANNOYED WITH PHONE CALLS - ETC. NO PHONE CALLS BUT CONSTANT QUESTIONS THAT I HAVE REPEATED THE ANSWERS OVER AND OVER AND (WELL YOU GET THE IDEA). WRITING THEM DOWN ON A CALENDAR DID NOT SEEM TO HELP. I DID WRITE A LIST OF THINGS WE MUST DO EVERYDAY - OF COURSE HE FORGETS AND WORRIES ABOUT WHAT TO DO NEXT. I GIVE HIM THE ANSWER HE NEEDS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. THE THING THAT HAS HELPED ME IS TO HIRE A YOUNG GAL THAT IS MEDICALLY ASTUTE (AND IN TRAINING) TO TAKE HIM TO DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS - MAKE SURE HE IS TAKING THE CORRECT MEDS DAILY- SHE HAS GAINED HIS TRUST AND SAVES HIS QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW TO DO THIS OR THAT FOR HER. SO, IN A WAY, I HAVE SWITCHED HIS DEPENDENCY FROM ME TO HER. THAT HAS RELIEVED ME FROM REPEATING MYSELF OVER AND OVER AND OVER. HE IS BEING TAKEN GREAT CARE OF! IT SEEMS HE IS CONTENT TO WAIT FOR HER TO COME THE NEXT DAY RATHER THAN BUG ME EVERY 15 MINUTES. OF COURSE, I DO IMMEDIATELY CALM HIS FEARS AT THE TIME BY GETTING IT DONE OR TELLING HIM WE DON'T NEED TO DO THAT NOW - WE CAN DO THAT WHEN OUR HELPER COMES. HE HAS DEVELOPED A TRUST IN HER AND THAT HAS TAKEN AWAY THE CONSTANT ASKING ME OVER AND OVER TO BEING ABLE TO GRASP THAT HELP IS COMING. I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW SCARY THAT FEAR IS OF SOMETHING HE KNOWS HE CANNOT HANDLE HIMSELF. HE KNOWS I AM THERE - AND HE KNOWS THAT OUR HELPER IS THERE AND WILL TAKE CARE OF IT.
SHE WAS NOT EASY TO FIND. IT TOOK A LONG TIME TO SIFT THROUGH POSSIBLE APPLICANTS. BUT, FIND ONE WE DID!
WHEN I WAS A YOUNG MOTHER DIVORCED WITHOUT CHILDSUPPORT AND TWO PRE-SCHOOLERS - IN THE 1960'S FINDING A GOOD NURSERY SCHOOL WAS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE. HOWEVER I DID, MY CHILDREN WERE CARED FOR SUPERBLY! I HAD NO GUILT. SO NOW I HAVE FOUND SOMEONE TO HELP ME DO THINGS THAT I CANNOT PHYSICALLY DO AT MY AGE AND ALSO - SHE IS SO GOOD AT DEALING WITH THE DEMENTIA MY FRIEND HAS. (THAT IS KEEPING ME SANE) SO, ALL I CAN OFFER AS A WAY TO COPE - IS TO FIND THE RIGHT HELP. THE SERVICES THAT PROVIDE THAT WERE NOT HELPFULL TO ME. AFTER RUNNING ADS' - TALKING TO PEOPLE - FOLLOWING UP ON ANY CLUE- DID! IT IS A STRUGGLE BUT WHEN YOU FIND THAT SPECIAL PERSON DON'T QUIBBLE OVER MONEY - THINK OF IT AS A LIFE SAVER FOR YOU AND ALSO YOUR PARENTS.

I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK - AND PLEASE KEEP IN TOUCH!

ROSEPETAL

You're going to have set ground rules, e. g. "Mother, I am available from 5:00 P. M. till 9:00 P. M.  or whatever. You make the rules, else she will be running your life.

almostcrazync - you poor dear. As you can see from these pages of posts, you have mucho company in dealing with this dreadful disease. (If I were to piggyback onto your moniker, I'd have to say "alreadycrazync" but that's just me. ;)). There are many good suggestions here and I echo them all including the absolute need to take care of yourself or you'll be no good to anyone, including your parents. Being an only child certainly exacerbates the situation, but as many on this site will attest to, having siblings by no means guarantees much, if any, additional help will be forthcoming. My own 94 year old mother with moderate to severe dementia at this point does much of what your mother does with the constant calling for one (to her) very important reason or another but almost immediately forgets we spoke. To add insult to injury, she just lost her lower dentures for the 6th (yes, 6th for those of you who've heard this story from me before) time in less than 18 months. Where they go, how/why they don't stay in her mouth, etc. is a mystery to everyone but most especially her. So now we're in the position of making a call as to whether we can, a) afford to replace them yet again, knowing they are just going to be lost in a matter of a couple of months, b) can afford the time and aggravation of the required appointments (both my husband and I still work full time), or, c) not replace them (mom's even at the point where she doesn't want to go through this again) and let her deal without them. Unfortunately, there are no good answers and the guilt can be overwhelming. Bottom line is, I guess, that we all have to know that we're doing the best we can in the most imperfect of circumstances. As others have said, this site is a Godsend for both support and a safe place to vent so keep coming back!

I am extremely lucky to have a wonderful neighbor that sits with my mom while I go to work part-time. It gives mom a purpose to get up, dressed and eat. I think the elderly need to know they still have a purpose in life no matter how simple it may be. It gives me the time that I need for myself and have the security of someone who cares for my mom. It was tough initially trying to figure this all out and I prayed to God to help. At first I thought He was not helping until I realized I was still sane,happy and able to give myself time to be me.

Almost crazy...when you are out with a friend, or doing something to put some joy or "me time" in your life...just silence your phone. Remember the days when we didn't have cell phones or answering machines? No one could reach us then. As you can tell your mom doesn't even remember calling you so it's a habit brought out by her dementia. You must tell yourself daily a mantra..."I deserve a life, my sanity and health". You do not have to be connected constantly. Pretend it's 1966 again if that helps. We need to give ourself permission to not always be reachable.

almostcrazy - in response to your question as to whether your mother is actually forgetting or trying to manipulate you, the answer is it's probably a bit of both. Your mother and mine sound like carbon copies of one another, with the calls coming whenever she feels like it or is bored and followed with the comment that "I was worried for some reason and just needed to check on my chickadees" or something like that. When I tell her if anything were to happen that she needed to be notified, she certainly would be by another family member, that seems to fall on deaf ears (literally and figuratively, unfortunately). So I try hard not to climb on her bandwagon and hold firm to my boundaries. You have all of my empathy, and sympathy.

we have to remember they do not think right any more ..i wander if you could get a camera set up maybe like adt has for the outside monitoring but inside if you could see it is not a emergency you dont have to keep calling her back or worry ..my mom is getting worse she keeps asking what the weather is like i got to keep saying it ..there brain does not keep the info any more in a ear out the other . my mom does not remember much the next day so that is good in my case . well good luck to us all !!!& hope we do not end up like them .

Almostcrazy: I wanted to give you some measure of comfort. Please think of the future, such as I am about my LATE mother. This will not go on forever. It will end. Cherish each moment.