A few months ago I my mom started pooping in her pants; I have no problem cleaning her up. But she often cries when I clean her up. When I ask her why she's crying, she says that I just want to see her naked. (For the record, that could not be FURTHER from the truth.) It's gotten so I dread having to clean her up. She acts like I'm molesting her.

Also, my mom, who has hardly ever before said one word to me concerning anything sexual (except 'Yuck, that's disgusting!' when people would kiss on TV) is suddenly talking to someone in her room telling them she does not want sex, and is extremely ticked off that they would even want to (there is, of course, no one in there.) She is hard of hearing and lately everything I say to her gets interpreted as having something to do with sex and gets her all upset. What the heck is going on?

I'm finding it very hard to be around my mom at all, lately, but I'm her caregiver. Is it okay for me to not be around her when she's ranting and raving, or do I have an obligation to go in there and bear the brunt of it? I lately have been just keeping her clean and fed, and just peep into her room every few minutes during the day to make sure she's okay. She can see me working in the yard through the French doors in her bedroom, and when I'm in the house her bedroom door is open. She is so hateful to me though (which is really not that different from the pre-dementia relationship we had) that I just don't want to be in her presence anymore than necessary. It makes my head, stomach, and heart hurt. Even when I get respite care for her, I spend a lot of the time dreading when it's over. I really don't know what to do anymore.

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I agree with the other posts. When caring for her undermines your health and well-being it is time to consider finding a placement for her. You and your family deserve to have a happy healthy home. Please don't feel guilty about your choice. It maybe the best for her also. She will be around other people with more stimulation and less opportunity to 'beat' you up. Many people with Alzheimers have delusions and hallucinations and you should discuss this with her MD. as there some medications that will really help. This awful disease affects all who are around her especially if she is disruptive to the household and you all deserve peace without guilt.
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Thanks for your replies. I've thought often about putting her in a nursing home. We went out of state for a week over Thanksgiving and it was like leaving my child on the first day of kindergarten. She was terrified and pitched a huge fit. When we got back, she had declined quite a bit.

I'm not really that worried about her accusing anyone. The sad thing is, even if it was true, nobody would believe her unless there was overwhelming physical evidence. I think I'm going to try to get her in with a geriatric psychiatrist. It'll take awhile - when I checked last year, there was about a five month lead time for new appointments. But it won't hurt to get an appointment in place even if it takes awhile.
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Lizawren, it is so hard when an elder starts speaking inappropriately but it is not unusual and the reality is that you have to continue to clean her up. It could be a throw back to previous long ago experiences and the crying because she is grieving her loss of independence and control of bodily functions.
As Pam said she may falsely accuse someone of sexually inappropriate behaviour. so yes a talk with her dr may be helpful. Be honest with him/her about your feelings of repulsion and the history of her nastiness to her now and in the past.
Have you considered that it may be time for her to be placed in a Nursing Home. I know everyone feels guilty about that and often keeps someone home out of guilt but the fact is that you are taking good physical care of her but are not able to have any kind of emotional connection with her. That is not good for either of you. Spend some time thinking about the available options open for you and your mother. this is not an emergency but you need to start things in motion. It will be your duty whether she deserves it or not. make sure she is placed in a well run facility and check on her frequently to make sure she is being properly cared for. You may need to stay away for a couple of weeks to give her time to settle in and get yourself back together. This won't be easy for you but you have to consider your own mental .
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Liza it sounds like it might be time to consider placing your mom in memory care. When her care is making YOU sick, it's time for things to change. You owe your mom safety and care, you do not owe her your own health and happiness. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
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I have the awful feeling that she may falsely accuse someone of sexual assault. I think you and the MD need to have a long private chat about her.
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