Crazy Mom can't stand Dad's 24/7 caregivers for Parkinson's in house. Any advice?

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They're lovely. She wants nursing home. He will die there. My neurotic mom can't stand live in caregivers in house to help with dad's advanced Parkinson's disease. It's very expensive but they can afford it. She wants him in a nursing home. They live in a senior living complex my father loves. He can't do anything without help but the home care people are wonderful (even my mother admits). Dad was in a nursing home rehab for a few months and cried every day to get out of there. He will surely die if she places him in a nursing home. She is the one who's crazy (she's been stressed and angry her whole life) and can't stand people in her house. What should I do. I live out of town but visit frequently as does my sister who lives nearby.My father is completely mentally competent. He can't speak or swallow well but the aids are taking care of him. He is the nicest man in the world and has done everything for my mother. He does not deserve this. She also emotionally and verbally abuses my father.

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It certainly sounds as is there is some significant mental illness going on in you mom; that is so sad that your dad seems to have been the buffer and can no longer play that role. Mom needs an inpatient psychiatric workup, if that's possible. this is not something that you ASK her about, it's going to have to be something that is compelled in some way. Is there a social worker at the facility where your parents are? Perhaps they could help. Perhaps there is a geriatric psychiatrist who tends other patients there and pay a visit to your parents, ostensibly to check on your dad.

If you have to wait for something bad to happen (to mom), please remember to ask for a psychiatric consult while she's in the hospital. Don't let them tell you no. It was the BEST move my brothers and I ever made in our mom's life; it allowed us to see the big picture of what was going on and what she needed.
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I'm not understanding how your mom got away with screaming at your dad if there are round the clock caregivers? Where were they while this was happening?

You admit your mom has always a recluse, her home is her castle, and your dad was probably her only buffer from the outside world. Her entire world has crumbled and she is taking it very badly. Being an introvert myself I have some sympathy for your mom's position, but your mom's behavior is extreme and hurtful to herself as well as dad. Help her find a way to get some alone time away from dad and carers. Perhaps a psychiatric consult would be in order, there may be meds that can help her.
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After I watched my mother and father for years, I saw that my mother was angry at my father for not being the man he once was. She was angry at him because he stopped driving. She was angry that he stopped wanting to do things. She wanted the husband who had always taken care of her. I wonder if your mother may be feeling some of that same anger, Pam.

I know you know a lot more about Parkinson's than I do. I have a friend in advanced Parkinson's and mentally she is okay beyond anxiety and depression that goes with it. Sometimes her movements are very awkward, but she copes with it. I couldn't imagine putting her in a NH. She is a good bit younger than your father, but if your father is still competent, I think he has the right to choose where he is comfortable. I wondered if she might be comfortable in a 1-BR apartment near your father where they could visit, but she wouldn't have to be with the live-in caregivers. It would be expensive, but less so than him being in a NH and her in their apartment. I hope you can work something out so they will both be as content as possible.
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Oh Pam in NC - (I'm from NC too).

You are right. Mom needs to be somewhere else so dad can be at peace. Trust your guts and don't be afraid to take action. Sometimes the hardest steps only seem that way until they are over.

The next time she goes into a screaming conniption, call 911 to come get her. Your mom doesn't sound like she's able to make good decisions anymore. Refuse to pick her up or be responsible for her in any way. This will buy some time. A transition or discharge social worker should work with you to find a placement for mom. No, she won't like it but it's necessary. For a while at least.

I feel for you and hope you get connected with supportive and understanding resources.
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Thanks for you help. I guess you have to really understand my mother. Yes these are her golden years but even before my father got bad she didn't take advantage of anything the senior home had to offer, she always complained that she was busy yet the place includes house keeping and all meals. Yes it's stressful to care for someone but she was almost made to have full time caregivers for my father now. Their apartment is large enough. the caregivers are quiet and unobtrusive. Very helpful to my father, he is very happy. My mother doesn't even like when I'm at her house, she's controlling and obsessive compulsive, always has been,never change. They can't afford separate places where they live. Also a nursing home wouldn't be awful, although for my father it would be and it wouldn't be necessary but she that's the same amount of money. they're not rich but were frugal and savers and have enough money for at least a few years of caregiving. My mother keeps saying that my father is getting worse and won't last too long. She doesn't like the idea of hospice. I would rather him go at a place he's happy at surrounded by friends. He's the nicest guy in the world. He's a WWII veteran who fought in Normandy (The VA helps somewhat).
It seems the only person who is mean to him and can't stand him is my mother and it's sad. I suggested to my mother that she go to a caregiver support group or get help for herself but she calls me crazy. When I went to visit once, My husband and I were at their door and hear her screaming at my poor little weak nice father how stupid, she said it over and over, because he wanted to get something to eat. she needs to be taken away.
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Wow. Lots of emotions from lots of directions.

Yes, get mom evaluated by a geriatric psych ASAP. I wouldn't tell her that's where she's going though. Sounds like something is going to have to change one way or another. I wonder if your mom feels like she has to manage the staff and Dad (whether it's true or not) and she feels like it's beyond her abilities. That would freak me out too. A lot of seniors aren't exactly forthcoming with their fears and feelings and will cope with a cover-up strategy that can be difficult to be around.

I can't agree that anybody will surely die if they go to a nursing home as a blanket statement.

It is possible to find the right one and have it be a successful experience. The nursing home unit my mom is in now is on the same campus that her senior apartment was part of. It's a continuum care campus.

There are married couples who live there, in different units based on their care need, and they visit each other. Some live in the same unit too.

Letting it become a perceptual catastrophic event is not going to help if that day comes out of sheer necessity for mom or dad or both. It really is not the end of the world. It is nobody's preferred option, but sometimes it can't be helped.

Catastrophizing and ruling out nursing home care removes a viable and possibly necessary option from your toolbox. Next time you visit, include some tours of places close to your dad just to see the facts and reality. I wish more places had continuum care facilities. The transition into a higher care level is not nearly such a big deal because it's not really a "move" and staff there take care of it. It's real anxiety reducer (I've found).
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I would look at finding a separate place for mom, hopefully in the same complex. Neurotic or not, these are her golden years too and I can understand her stress at never having a moments privacy in your own home.
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Your poor parents! Dad is so incapacitated and mom must feel like a rat in a cage with live in folks around 24/7 in a two bedroom apartment.

Is there any possibility of mixing mom and dad into single room apartments? Or does mom want dad in a nursing home for other reasons? You family must be very, very wealthy to be able to afford round the clock care for dad indefinitely. Is your mother looking at the impact of this on her finances after your dad passes?

As Jeanne says, I would focus on getting mom to a geriatric psychiatrist, who can help determine if mom is suffering from depression or from some other treatable condition.
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Does your sister live closer to your mom and dad? It really does sound the focus should be on Mom, getting evaluated and perhaps getting her some treatment.
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Thanks for responding. My sister and I would love to have our father in our homes but we both live in very small houses with no extra rooms. I live in North Carolina, he's in Massachusetts, and we both have to work full time especially for health care benefits for our families. I would do it otherwise. They live in a large two bedroom apartment in a senior independent living which they both love (but there's no medical help there, that's why they have full time home care). My mother would be more than happy not to have my father back there, ever. She doesn't even let me stay there from out of town. She's the one who is seriously having a breakdown over this, she's the one who needs mental health, medicines or something and is causing all the problems. Thanks for your help.
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