My mother has broken her wrist & fractured her jaw. She’s having surgery on her wrist tomorrow & then 6-9 months recovery. Working on getting an oral surgeon for her jaw. We’ve been told it will have to be rebroken and wired shut for 3-6 months. My dad has a g-tube and she’s the main caregiver. She’s not able to care for him ex. Feed, crush meds, etc. now. She’s not able to drive either. My brother lives in town 3 miles away and is refusing to help. She’s told me he and his wife don’t want to help her. Keep in mind she moved 5 months ago to be near my brother. I love 600 miles away. I immediately flew here when my mother called me. My brother has not come by or called. This is also the same mother I posted about mentally & physically abusing my father. She has not talked to me for two years until about a month ago. Only because she is fighting with my brother right now. My mother is a narcissistic psychopath by definition. I’m having a hard time caring for the both of them only because of the tone she uses when addressing me for “why my dad hasn’t done this” & “you need to dress me”... I don’t need to go on. There’s no Kudos from her. Would it be possible to file for emergency guardianship over both of them? Or just my dad? She has a durable POA with my brother listed second. I have a durable POA one too with me listed... hers trumps mine but she filed for divorce while she got the durable POA. I have recordings, nasty texts to my dad she’s sent and paperwork I’ve filed to APS. How hard would it be to get emergency guardianship so I can either take my dad back with me or get emergency guardianship over both. I like this site because I value the honesty of opions on here. I love my mom, the issue is she’s text book narcissistic psycho path personality disorder never diagnosed. She’s going to be unable to care for him for 6-9 months.
Just say it was you. Would you think *any* of the reasons you guess might lie behind your brother's attitude good enough to block somebody's calls, refuse communication to the extent of withholding essential news, and refuse to visit a house that that person is staying in?
I mean, he's not just a bit disgruntled, is he?
My guess is that someone must have fed him some rather poisonous taratiddles at some stage.
So, to return: is it true that your brother has "refused" to help? Or is there a bit more to it than that?
I wonder if your mother told him not to tell you about her bad fall because you wouldn't be interested. That you'd refused to visit. That you'd said he could deal with this on his own.
I can't suggest how, but find a way to talk to him. Both of you need not to take your mother's word for anything that anybody has said.
Did he and you get on pretty well before this two year estrangement?
Another person has given some some wisdom to me... just ask her what she wants her care plan to be and honor that. I’m doing that today and will keep y’all posted. This site really has great insight.
On a side note it’s even though I think my mother is insane she’s doing the best job she can at 71 trying to care for my dad, I’ve seen an improvement since three years ago. I do think she needs to be evaluated because her instability and her inconsistent behavior. She cannot remember medicine dosage.
Is he? Have you actually spoken to him yourself?
I think, if you're not to fall straight into a quagmire, you really need to talk to him first if only to confirm that he's washed his hands of them.
I am not much of a "blood trumps all". For me, love does that. I will go a long way for love and decency and zero distance for psychotic disordered folks. From that I will run away, and that is whether I am the daughter or not. What is it you imagine you can conceivably do to help this situation short of giving up your entire life in exchange for a life of abuse?
Sorry but from what you wrote your mom, having her jaw wired shut for months seems like it will be a blessing ;-)
I have some questions to clarify your situation:
Your mom has DPoA over your dad, correct? The most recently signed (and legally validated by notorization) DPoA is the one that has authority, whether or not your mom filed for divorce, as long as she is in her "right mind".
Are you and your brother listed as well on your dad's PoA, but as a back-ups? This is unclear.
Who has DPoA for your mom?
Has your mom named your brother on a HIPAA release (so that he can get + give info to your mom's doctor)?
Has you mom ever been officially tested for cognitive levels by her doctor? If you brother has the medical release for your mom he may be able to covertly request your mom's doc to perform a cognitive test.
Since your brother has a "better" relationship to your mom, he needs to be encouraged to ask your mom how she wants herself and your dad cared for while she's in recovery if he's not going to do it. You can't do it because you are 600 miles away. And you shouldn't do it since she is abusive and an ingrate. Ask her that care question and see what she says. Her options are for Medicare to provide some in-home help for the both of them. Or, if they have financial means, to hire a service, like Visiting Angels. If they are on Medicaid, she will need to talk to their caseworker for answers.
Soon there will be many others commenting on how you should not be in the middle of this dumpster fire situation because of how your mother treats you. It is an appropriate boundary to help them figure out how they will get proper care, but not for you to fight over control and force them to accept your intercession. I realize you love your parents, but it appears you need some healthy perspective on relationships. You can't force your brother and his family to participate in this circus. He has apparently figured out what you have yet to see: boundaries. Also, he may just not have the personality (or inclination) to deal with this level of stress and dysfunction. Not his fault. Wishing your clarity and peace in your heart. Good luck!