What are my brothers and sisters to do with my angry and paranoid Mom who calls all hours of the day and night?

It sounds as though your dad must be living in hell.

If it were my mom, I would medicate her if I could. Whatever is going on with her, she's a miserable human being. (I mean she must be VERY unhappy...not in a derogatory sense.)

I also think there's a possibility that she could act out violently against your dad. I don't think I could ignore this behavior and shrug it off. Her dark thoughts and mood are effecting your dad, too. You get frustrated from just the phone calls. Imagine living with her.

Medication. Trial and error 'til something works. Talk to her doctor, Get social services involved. Whatever it takes. If this were your father acting like this, I suspect your reaction might be somewhat different. From what you're describing, this is a tragedy waiting to happen.

There is no easy way to handle this and only you and your siblings can decide if you should intervene. Talk to your Dad privately and don't do anything without his permisson.The whole family could descend and tell her she is going to the hospital like it or not. If necessary call for an ambulance but get her to an ER for a psychiatric evaluation hopefully at a hospital with psychiatric in patient facilities. Be prepared for the violence getting her there and behaving perfectly during the evaluation and having her discharged back into your care. If Dad takes her home and none of the kids has POA it is in his hands and you just have to wait for events to play out. you and or dad can refuse to take her home from the hospital. Sounds cruel for the Mom you love but it may be the only answer and save her from hurting herself or anyone else.
Have caller ID on your phone and don't answer at night, turn off the ringer. you might record any call she makes that are abusive. that may sway the Drs to admit and stabilize her. At least you are all on the same page about this.Try and keep any of your young kids out of this drama. Remember Mom really can't help what she is doing and saying it is part of her illness. keep in touch and let us know what happens

Although I am not aware of Maggie's other posts, I honestly did not find anything offensive in what she said on this thread. Trying to express one's self effectively to strangers on a public message board without being misunderstood is nearly impossible. Even adding a smiley face can be misinterpreted.

You are right in saying that we don't know what you have gone through or are going through, just as you can't know anyone else's unique experience. We learned a lot more about yours in your reply to Maggie and in spite of that we still don't have the whole picture. Gleaning the extent of a person's situation from their online profile is useless, but that is what you tried to do with Maggie. We can only select one area of concern in a drop-down list. Most of our aging parents and/or spouses (and ourselves, for that matter) have multiple issues.

Here is my personal assessment---not claiming to be right, just my interpretation: Maggie's comment about your mom being miserable echoes what you yourself said about her. I don't think it was meant as an attack or an accusation. As for the comment about your father, I think what she meant was that when a man behaves in an abusive manner people take it more seriously. You and your siblings might have more concern about your mother's safety in that case than you currently do about you father, even though you say he is "too afraid" to do anything. You don't say what it is he fears will happen.

I try my best to be helpful, but if someone ever accused me of being flippant and lacking compassion I would wonder what I said that was so offensive and I would be VERY leery of ever speaking up again. The problems we share on this board are too profound to make judgements based on a person's style of writing, so let's be a little more tolerant of the comments. I would hope that anything that was blatantly cruel or inappropriate would be taken down by the moderator.

Perhaps I overstated my case in this long post, but I was concerned lest any of my comments be taken as an affront. I hope not. I only wish for the best for each of us and our families.

I agree with Veronica. Stop taking her calls if she's calling too much. Just don't answer the phone. You don't have to listen to her demented rants.

You're dad is another story. How is your mom with him? I can only imagine. You said getting her to a Dr. was out of the question. What if you went over there, let her get worked up, then called 911? I had to do this with my mom. I couldn't get her to the Dr. (am I supposed to throw her over my shoulder and carry her?) but she needed medical attention so one night when my dad called me, as he always did when my mom fell, I'd had enough of being called in the middle of the night to drive over there and peel her off the floor and I called 911 despite my parents insisting that I not. I got my mom into the hospital and got her some help.

It's a bold move but you asked what you guys could do. I think your mom needs medication and if she won't go to the Dr. calling 911 is your best bet. She can stay there a few days, let the medication kick in, your dad will have a few days respite and hopefully things will improve.

It's just my opinion but I think every person with dementia should be on medication. Not doped up so they can't function but relieved of their anxiety and obsessions. Your mom isn't comfortable in her state of mind and while she may not be able to articulate it she knows on some level that she isn't right.

Good luck, peaceofmind

Peaceofmind, as I'm sure you gathered from my second post, my mom has dementia. She is not angry, however. She's a happy little camper. At the rehab facility where she spent 2-1/2 months, she was termed "pleasantly confused." In that, I am blessed.

If she were living as your mom is, angry 24/7, paranoid, lashing out at people, wishing the very people she loves would die, I would be heartbroken. Because that's not my mom. And it's not yours either.

It would break my heart to think she would live her last days in that miserable state. And I would do everything possible to improve her quality of life. I would be heartbroken for my dad as well. Whereas your brothers and sisters get phone calls, he has to live each and every day with her. And, apparently, fight a battle with prostate cancer besides. It's tragic. It's not how we picture our parents growing old.

So I saw a very different problem than the one you posted. You don't need an answer to that. That answer is easy and obvious. Your siblings can hang up as soon as she starts her rants, or they can get caller I.D. and not answer in the first place, or they can screen calls from your parents' phone number thru an answering machine so they don't miss an urgent call.

Your mom and dad are the ones with the real problem. Mom is stuck in a mindset that's keeping her absolutely miserable. And no doubt keeping your dad the very same way. And, in my opinion, if nothing is done to reboot mom's thinking process with medication, it may be just a matter of time until she begins acting out on her angry thoughts.

I'm sorry if semantics got in the way of my well-meaning thoughts about your mom and dad. It was certainly not my intention to insult you. It isn't lost on me, however, that you've gone quite out of your way to do that to me.

Maybe it gives both of us something else to think about other than the ravages of old age and watching our beloved parents decline into dementia and more. *shrug*

Be blessed, Peaceofmind.

Our dad is doing well on Haldol for his delusions...so far we are able to continue to care for him in his own home. So, yes, meds can be helpful! My dad's doctor prescribed it after I visited him (without my dad) and told him of the symptoms. Beware that EMT's cannot force someone into an ambulance, though. You will need to have a police officer there who may or may not be able to insist...we have a hospital with a Senior Behavioral Health Center that will accept in-person ER delivery of a person with dementia...check locally....

Peaceofmind, is your mom still making phone calls to you and your siblings? Have you come up with a way of handling them? And how is your dad doing?

Peaceofmind, I too have been offended by comments from time to time. But when I read the comments when I am in a better frame of mind, they often are not as offensive as I originally believed. You are under a great deal of stress and many of the suggestions here are good ones. It sounds as if you have a very competent group,working with your parents but a very difficult situation. Sooner or later it will all come to a head and something will be resolved. Your parents can not continue on the path they are choosing. But as long as your father is competent and he supports your mother, I would think,there is little you can do except block her calls. What a very sad scenario for the parents you love.

Peace of mind is right. Snarky, condescending comments aren't helpful. I can shrug it off as someone having a bad day, but it has happened several times, to my knowledge, to several different questioners, all of whom expressed hurt at the tone of the response from that particular commenter.
It's not a case of being oversensitive, or as misinterpreting someone's style of writing. It's a case of gratuitous meanness by someone who, time and again, refuses to apologize when she's made insulting comments, even when it's pointed out to her. I have no time for people like that. Let them stew in their own spiteful juices.

Pom, Looking back, my original answer got mangled by spellcheck. Who has POA? If it's Dad, then you really have no control over mom's behavior, meds or placement. You CAN decline to answer her phone calls. You can say to Dad, look, this isn't good for your long term health, and look how unhappy mom is? Hen some elders thing of medication, they assume that we're talking about overdoses of powerful psychiatric drugs. You'd be amazed at what a low dose of antidepressants can do for some dementia patients. But in the end, you and your siblings can only control your responses to her outbursts of paranoia. And you can figure out ways to protect your father's health, physical and emotional.