Mom is asking for bank receipts that I don't have. What do I do?

Well, it's actually about a 50-year-old who decided to disregard her 86-year-old mom's instructions and then lie to her. Tell your mom you lost them and then go to the bank for evidence you made the deposits.

I had a mom pretty much like your mom. Wanted all her financial i's dotted and t's crossed. In a million YEARS I wouldn't have disregarded her wishes as you did. Probably some passive-aggressive stuff going on.

WHO THROWS OUT DEPOSIT SLIPS??

I do. After I check the computer to see the deposit was credited, I put the receipt in the bin to be shredded. It keeps the clutter down.

Frankly, I don't agree that deposit receipts shouldn't be saved. And whether or not you agree to make copies of the checks prior to deposit really isn't your decision. These are your mother's checks; it's your responsibility to handle them the way she wants.

Without either, you have no proof other than the checking account statement that the checks were deposited as your mother requested. And it's not impossible for banks to make mistakes.

I'm wondering why though is she receiving $400 checks while she's in AL. It would be easier and safer to have them deposited directly with the bank - then you don't have to deposit them.

By your definition, I would be a paper freak too because not only do I keep financial data, I keep legal data as well.

Your false statement that you were saving "bank crap to get [her] off [your] back" when you weren't doesn't really suggest to me that you're the best person to be handling any aspect of your mother's financial affairs. It may seem like a little white lie, but it's a lie nevertheless. There's a big difference between junk mail and legitimate financial data.

How do you get out of the mess you've made? You go to the bank and pay to get a duplicate receipt. And you pay for it yourself; don't take it out of your mother's account. It's your mother's money, not yours, and she has the right to have the receipts.

Frankly, I think there's something else going on here.

Honestly I did not need to be judged so harshly and frankly very disappointed. like others I deal with a lot caring for a senior parent and everything falls onto me. I work and have a family and so forth and while I may have a different opinion re: receipts and whatnot I never ever would jeopardize my moms finances or well being. Smh. This has nothing to do with another agenda- it's a matter of keeping my mom from stressing when she doesn't need to. Don't judge what you don't know

but now you're making more stress - why not just tell her the truth, then at least she won't have to be worrying about it

I don't keep bank deposit slips. I used to until I finally figured out I do not use them or need them.

And I would discourage my mother from wanting them. But if I couldn't talk her out of it and that is what she wanted, I'd save them for her. Copying her check before depositing it? I think I would encourage auto deposits if that is at all possible. So she wants you to copy the check, deposit it, and save the receipt ... so she can compare them later? And catch the bank in a mistake? Lordy, what a pain when you've got a million other things to do!

For now, sit down with her and the bank statement and go over all the deposits with her. Tell her that you'll start keeping the receipts for her. Go with her to the office and ask if it is OK for her to bring her checks in to have them copied. Let her be responsible for that end of it. (At least that is what I would do. Or you could say, politely, that beggars can't be choosers, and you'll deposit her checks for her but you'll do it your way.)

And really work on the direct deposit angle!

My bank has been making mistakes, wish I could have looked at and kept the receipt for $100 cash that was listed as $20. I feel bad for the many disabled and senior bank customers. And I am sure of this transaction.
Clarise-I feel bad for you too, because you will be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. If you do keep the receipts, good luck finding the statements to match them to when a question arises. Your Mom won't be able to either. It is a good thing to try to help someone who has hoarding issues, however, many of us go about it in the wrong way. Persons doing finances on our behalf, whether paid or unpaid caregiving should do it the client's way to build trust, then make su
ggestions later to streamline the bookkeeping. Use the easy shoebox method.
Out of respect for anyone, do their stuff their way.
If you still want to throw everything away that is yours, consider this scenario:
An organizer-type person was hired to place all the resumes in the bottom drawer for the boss. Then the boss was in a throwing it away mood, so demanded all that be thrown out. The employee, knowing not to cross the boss, threw them all out. Later, the boss remembered he had quickly placed cash in there to hide it.
Gone. Boss needed a keeper!
I keep financial receipts, especially cashier's checks. I review them to remember how much money was given away to my family so I won't make that mistake again.
Clarise, if there is anything going on, maybe it is just worry that Mom acts like she doesn't trust you, and does not respect you for the limited time you do have to give to her? Hoping that if she sticks to her old-fashioned ways of banking that you can accommodate her wishes, at least as long as the banks will allow it.
Please don't take it personal, it's not you, it's her. Neither is wrong.

With a little convincing, the bank can duplicate the transactions between statements, and they can and should do this for free.
Anyone banking where they are charged fees for everything is just banking at the wrong bank. Have the transactions duplicated, please.

You know what would have been even more helpful than having the receipt, Sendme2help? It would for the person making the $100 deposit to have glanced at the receipt and noticed the error at the time it was made. I don't keep receipts, but I sure as heck LOOK at them when I make a deposit. If the receipt has $100, then that is what the computer system thinks was deposited. Going back a week later and saying "this receipt is wrong" is not likely to help.

Good point, JeanneG. Don't know how that happened, feeling pressured at the teller's window, making several transactions for myself and for someone for whom I am rep-payee, putting my glasses away too soon. I should be fired!
Clarise should be fired too!
Can we be fired if we're not getting paid? I guess so, hope so, soon would be good.

Of course Clarise you have made the mistake so let's not dwell on that part - your mistake and I know what guilt trips can be laid on people. It would seem from your comments that you are NOT POA so you don't have access to her finances other than make deposits. Im not sure about other countries but you can't deposit someone else's check in your bank account over here [UK] unless you have it signed by them.

So I am afraid you are going to have to grin and bear it and either tell your Mum you trashed them - which quite frankly I would do - that's the most honest route and to quell her subsequent wrath - because you just know that is going to come - you will have already gone to the bank and requested duplicates.

They should be quite helpful if you explain that she is elderly and has dementia and is now fretting because she doesn't have them. She is going to be a hoarder of paperwork and there is no way round it hun so just grin and bear it and be good girl!!!!!!

I am Mum's POA and it is a REQUIREMENT that I keep every receipt known to man and then some so be warned if and when that time comes for you will be required to demonstrate above and beyond all reasonable doubt that you have acted in her best interests at all times. That is not saying you don't now but just a caution for the future. Good luck - let's hope she doesn't spank your bottom!

Send you're naughty!! AGAIN. Think it is easy to judge others without knowing the full facts and I am as guilty as everyone else of so doing but a lot of us on here are POAs so we KNOW how much paperwork is involved.......PS you don't have to be a POA..... if you don't like paperwork Clarise I would weigh that up before saying yes. I do all Mums banking on line now with the exception of deposits so I only have to do a print out but I do keep copies of deposit slips and receipts..... I have found the banks really helpful

I keep as much of a paper trail as I can for my mom's business dealings. As a senior she gets her monthly bank statement for free, but I do pay a small fee for a 'cheque back' service, which provides a copy of all cheques written. But before she moved in with me I also switched most of her payments to direct withdrawal from her accounts, and I now do a lot of her banking online. That allows me to print out anything I need, or alternatively you could just show her the account online, much simpler.
As for keeping statements, I am slowly adapting to the paperless society, but I have always kept things until I reconcile my books at tax time. Of course, then I have to sit and shred everything at once, which is a pain.

Oh Clarise your situation sounds so much like my own several years ago. No matter what I gave her, or explained she still did not comprehend and it always ended in both of us stressed out. She could not understand how she over drew her account by 1500 and guess who stepped up and bailed her out!

I don't have a suggestion Clarise1. I just wanted to say that I handle my in-laws finances, my mother-in-law is a paper hoarder, and I can empathize with you. Anyone who is judging you hasn't walked in your shoes, and should reserve their unhelpful criticism. It's not going to change the situation now, and not saving some deposit slips doesn't suggest something nefarious.

It took me an entire summer to help my mother in law clean out her paper hoarded bedroom so she could see the bed and sleep in it. Sometimes you have to prioritize on thing over another. Even if she was the unluckiest person in the world and the bank messed up every deposit (though it's incredibly rare for it to happen even once), it wouldn't be the end of the world. I'm sure you're just doing the best in a very difficult situation, and I wish you peace.

Just to clarify I am Mums POA and just for one year I have 14 arch lever files full to capacity of paperwork - statements, receipts, quotes, appointment, taxation, pensions, banking, guarantees for items bought, government paperwork, local council paperwork, paperwork relating to the property, Solicitors paperwork, medical paperwork, it is a lot to stay on top of but a good filing system helps - I do the paperwork once a week just so it doesn't drown me

Did you check with the bank? We had to do this one time and paid $5 for three or six month’s worth of banking information. I know the bank can go back but I'm not sure how far back. You may need mom with you if your name is not on account. Are you all signed up for online banking?

Well first of all, don't beat yourself up over it! Harsh judgements serve no purpose, and guilt just destroys. Move on :) Just tell mom that you must have lost them. . .and come up with a plan for the future. Keep a bright colored envelope in your purse, just for Mom's Papers?
I keep NO bank deposit slips; everything is online,and can be printed off if necessary. Can you get set up with online banking? Direct deposits, and online copies of all checks? Could you get someone at the bank to explain it to Mom?

Clarise, First of all - you can't change what has happened - so just make it right, easy enough to do. First I would either fess up to Mom and tell her you tossed the receipts or if that will cause too much conflict tell her you misplaced them and can't find. If she is et up for online banking - you can show her the deposits on computer, if she is not then do it. Then from now on either keep the damn receipts - which I don't either as soon as I verify the deposit is in my account online - or see if you can have whomever is giving her the checks to do a direct deposit. The last thing a caregiver needs is to beat themselves up for something already done or to have others do it to them. Just realize it created a problem and correct it the best you can.

Clarise1 - When my 81 year old mom started forgetting stuff (like to take medicine, go to dr. appts, etc.) and started keeping everything and buying duplicates of everything that comes in a can, we (two siblings and myself) sat her down and said living alone is no longer an option. None of us lives in same town so we can't take care of her there. She was given a choice- go to Assisted Living or live with one of us. She refused to pay the cost of live in help so she agreed to sell her home. She lasted 6 months with my brother b-4 his wife said she goes or I go! So now she is with me in my house almost 2 years now. I changed all her banking to electronic so I don't have to deal with deposits. Two years ago, I could see the writing on the wall so had her attorney create Living Trust of which I am Trustee. I took away her check book, and changed any bill she received to paperless with my email address. She can't remember what she had for dinner last night, so there is no way she can handle money anymore. If she says I want it done this way, I just tell her no, I am doing it my way because it is easier and there is less paper to file-plus I work 40 hours a week. I get on the bank site daily to check for any unauthorized activity and will gladly show her online (have never seen any discrepancies). I had to put up with her asking me almost daily "Do I have any money?" until I told her she needed to accept the fact that she DOES has money and I am taking care of EVERYTHING financial, medical etc and to ask me for anything she needs/wants and I will get it for her. I put a folded $100 dollar bill in her wallet and $20 in ones and $5 bills so she sees money when she opens the wallet. I took away her car keys because she got lost once when she was following me home in her car so she is no longer allowed out unless she walks. That won't happen because she hates to exercise. I take her to the grocery store with me and out somewhere (movie, dinner, casino) weekly. I also bring my granddaughter (5 yrs old) along if movie is age appropriate). My children have standing open invitation to dinner any nite so they visit nearly every week. She sees them more now than she did when she lived alone. She grumbles every now & then but all I have to do is tell her she is free to move to a home any time but she can never live alone again because she cannot take care of herself and she sold her home. She raised me to be outspoken so I don't hold back just because she is old. I love her to pieces and will do anything I can to make her life easier/better - except let her live alone.

I went through this (very briefly) with my mom. Sounds more like she wants to be sure you're actually making the deposits? My mom was fiercely independent and a bit controlling, so the thought of losing control over her personal life & finances scared her. I totally get that. It would me too. Would your mom's monthly bank statement suffice? It should show all transactions.

Mom wanted me to run her to the bank every other day to make deposits and withdraw cash to give to me to run errands for her. She didn't believe in ATMs. I don't know how quickly your mom moves about, but my mom was slow as molasses in winter so any trip with her took 2x longer :) I just didn't have the patience for that on top of everything else. I was caring for her at home. It was a 24 hr job, so every task had to be done quickly & efficiently. I told her I needed an ATM card to make deposits for her and took her to the bank to get one. When I used the ATM to make deposits for her, I selected the 'receipt with copy of check image' option. Don't know if that's an option where you are - but it's nice. A scanned image of the check is on the receipt.

I think mom liked the junk mail addressed to her because she was losing responsibilities and it gave her something that was 'hers' - a feeling of worth? I can understand that. She had a small stack in her room and every now and then, I would pull a few from the bottom of the stack to throw out. She never noticed.

Caregiving is difficult. I tried to take her psychological needs in consideration and find methods that worked for both of us. Don't beat yourself up. Believe me; when she lies there dying - check receipts will no longer matter.

This is easy: all you do is return to the bank where you deposited the check and simply ask for either a receipt or a statement proving the check was deposited. Which bank records being kept in the computer system pretty far back, you going to get a statement as far back as possible and even have all of the past deposits all the way up to the current one highlighted in that statement.

Your mom has more commons sence then you don't do do a job right then don't do it legally you are at major fault and by the way it will cost nothing for you t
O get a paper statement sent to your home in large print just as longe as the bank knows it for a senior with bad vision then you can sit down with her and place it in aabinder and leave it where you cand keepit safe oh sorry you dont like paper money is paper that ck of ypur moms is paper and yes her junk mail is paper too and it seems pretty sad most older foke like me l9ok forward to that junk mail as no one has time to write but them and oh yes the banks you see to be an only child i say this becouse my brothers and sisters would have a fit if i did not do a simple thing like your mom asked of you

Clarise1: Contact her bank. They should be able to recover the debit transactions.

Clarise1: The same should apply for credit transactions-easy, said and done! Her bank will be able to pull up the records.

Guess the only thing to do is admit to the crime. I only keep deposit slips till I have reconciled the statement for that month. I also run a business so have to keep everything to reconcile at tax time. Hate it but do keep on top of bills. When hubby was doing it the accountant almost had a nervous breakdown each year. now she has a big firm and one of her many associates takes care of things and she just checks the final results. I apologised for missing some paper one year and the associate said I was far better than most of the clients.
So just make it right and agree with Mom on the system she wants used.

WOW cattgoodness - it is obvious to me that you haven't walked this caregiver path with a parent that is still doing things as if it were still 1940. Also obvious you don't proof read what you type. There is absolutely no need for anyone to keep paper copies when the records are available on the computer. Please step into this century. This "do the job right or don't do it at all" is BS. She is doing the job right and the mom should be grateful-not adding to the daughter's stress. No one in this day and age needs to continue killing valuable resources (trees) so you have a piece of paper. Computer records can be saved. If the mom can't or won't use the computer then she needs to bow to the more knowledgeable people to take care of it. Enjoy the time she has left, knit some booties, play bingo or whatever it is old people do to pass the time. Clarise - tell mom that the times have changed and everything is now computerized. If you are not POA then you need to be. Take all the paper records she has and scan them into computer and then shred the paper. They are no longer necessary. Once I put my foot down with my mom about this, she backed off.

Clarise--
I thought my 85 yo mom was the last person on earth who actually balanced their checkbooks to the penny every month. I have used online banking for ages...BUT, I respect my mom's desire to have written proof of whatever financial exchanges have transpired. I do keep deposit slips until I see on the computer that the deposit, or payment, whatever, has truly transpired and then I shred them. Mom keeps everything, as is her right. It's HER money, and we all respect that. whatever our particular feelings about paper clutter may be. She grew up in a time when you didn't trust banks and she never got over it. She does not have anything but her SS payments and ever penny of that needs to be accounted for. Also, with dementia, she may likely be feeling a little minimized and disregarding her wishes may make her feel less in control. I feel your angst at having a lot of paper "junk" around, but that is how my mom was raised, she has bank statements and tax returns going back 40+ years. It's a quirk and certainly not the worst thing she could be doing. Annoying? For sure, but not worth the stress. Do what you can to keep her "happy"...and hang in there. She can't have that many bank transactions if she's living in AL? Good luck!

Gosh, Clarise, there sure are some judgmental comments on here! This is a place we come for solace and advice and to get ripped apart is awful and I'm sorry that some folks can't seem to move into the 21st century. Yes, back in the old day it made sense to keep everything to CYA, but when it's readily available electronically and becomes a fire hazard, it's time to do things differently. Do you have a laptop or anything where you can take it to her and show her the deposits in online banking? What about just printing out a statement or transaction history with the receipts on them? Yes, you'll have to fess up that you accidentally threw them out, but what is she going to do, fire you? If she needs help, it's you, and there's no on else to do it. It's good of you to do it (you're not legally obligated) and she will have to take what she can get unless she'll willing to pay someone else.

Is it just about the paper, or does she think you didn't make the deposits (obviously if you hadn't her checks would have bounced)? I had this argument when I moved my mom in with me…she had tax returns, utility bills and bank statements going back 30 years. I told her if she wanted to keep them, she would have to rent a storage unit and hire someone else to take them there, along with her old training manuals from the early 1980's when she worked (the industry ceases to exist as she knew it then). The statute of limitations on a tax return is 7 years, and she hasn't worked or had taxable income in 10. We simply don't have room for that kind of tinder. I don't see the need in turning yourself inside out to appease her anxiety…that may sound cruel to some, but perhaps they don't understand the anxiety we feel being surrounded by mountains of useless (and I DO mean USELESS) junk and paper. Can you imagine having to go through all that stuff when she's gone to find something important? Also, if it's not the papers, it's the tupperware or ice cube trays or paper plate holders or seventeen shampoo bottles with 1 oz left in them. If we weren't here and they had to move to AL and had no other home, where do they think all that stuff would go? I feel for you…good luck!

My Mom gets on not having money. She even tells people. I keep telling her she has money and its used to pay bills on the house she still owns. I cash her small pension check to cover perscriptions and other needs. Have told her if she is invited out, will give her money out of her pension. We will go thru this again and again. I too make sure the deposit hits my statement then I shred it. Suggest this to ur Mom. Save the receipt and let her match it to her statement and then throw out.

All of you who keep your receipts because "banks make mistakes" -- have you EVER made a deposit, gotten a receipt for the amount you handed over, and then had some other number show up on your statement? I mean EVER? The teller keys in the amount, the receipt reflects the amount he keyed in. If it is wrong that is the time to straighten it out. If your receipt says $40 and three weeks later you claim that you really deposited $400, good luck to you, my friend. As a system person I would REALLY like to know if your bank has ever shown a deposit amount that didn't match your receipt. Ever. Really. Yes, banks make mistakes, but that particular mistake in a computer system would shock me. I'd probably start keeping my money under my mattress.

If you deposit money in a machine the receipt will show the amount you claim to be depositing. But I know from experience that you may get a correction letter from the bank saying your account was credited $49.38 based on your input, but they found the deposit to be $49.83, and they are crediting the difference to your account.

Keep all the paper you want. No problem by me. But, please, stop being so judgmental about someone who has a different attitude and different behavior patterns. Clarise asked for advice on how to get out of a jam she got herself into. She didn't need her motives or her competence questioned.

Early in his dementia my husband went through a very paranoid period, especially about money. One day I have him the full bank statement and asked if he wanted me to go over it with him. No, he could do it himself. And he did -- with the papers upside down!

If you are dealing with someone not fully able to reason, you often have to come up with ways to satisfy them, even if they aren't efficient for you. Come here and vent!