Mom is asking for bank receipts that I don't have. What do I do? - AgingCare.com

Mom is asking for bank receipts that I don't have. What do I do?

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My 86 yr old Mom still writes her own checks and oversees her bank accounts (I know it's ridiculous; she refuses to relinquish control and she cannot be declared 'incompetent' per California state law even though she has dementia,

She doesn't drive so when AL can't take her she'll ask me to deposit a monthly check she receives for $400. I don't keep the receipts the bank gives to me (there is just no need) and she requests that I make a copy of the check that I deposit- again no need. My Mom is a paper freak- keeps literally everything- her place is cluttered with paper - she can't find things because of it and when I do help clean up she accuses me of throwing important papers out (which I don't - I trash the gazillions of solicitations she receives and the expired promotions for Macys & kohls). I told her I was saving all this bank crap to get her off my back; and said that I didn't feel compelled to give it to her because she has enough paper! I know I shouldn't have lied but I did and well here I am two weeks later with a voicemail from her asking for the receipts and such! What do I say????? This is so stupid- 50yrs old thinking about how to get myself out of a situation with my mom!

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I do. After I check the computer to see the deposit was credited, I put the receipt in the bin to be shredded. It keeps the clutter down.
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Honestly I did not need to be judged so harshly and frankly very disappointed. like others I deal with a lot caring for a senior parent and everything falls onto me. I work and have a family and so forth and while I may have a different opinion re: receipts and whatnot I never ever would jeopardize my moms finances or well being. Smh. This has nothing to do with another agenda- it's a matter of keeping my mom from stressing when she doesn't need to. Don't judge what you don't know
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Good point, JeanneG. Don't know how that happened, feeling pressured at the teller's window, making several transactions for myself and for someone for whom I am rep-payee, putting my glasses away too soon. I should be fired!
Clarise should be fired too!
Can we be fired if we're not getting paid? I guess so, hope so, soon would be good.
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Well first of all, don't beat yourself up over it! Harsh judgements serve no purpose, and guilt just destroys. Move on :) Just tell mom that you must have lost them. . .and come up with a plan for the future. Keep a bright colored envelope in your purse, just for Mom's Papers?
I keep NO bank deposit slips; everything is online,and can be printed off if necessary. Can you get set up with online banking? Direct deposits, and online copies of all checks? Could you get someone at the bank to explain it to Mom?
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All of you who keep your receipts because "banks make mistakes" -- have you EVER made a deposit, gotten a receipt for the amount you handed over, and then had some other number show up on your statement? I mean EVER? The teller keys in the amount, the receipt reflects the amount he keyed in. If it is wrong that is the time to straighten it out. If your receipt says $40 and three weeks later you claim that you really deposited $400, good luck to you, my friend. As a system person I would REALLY like to know if your bank has ever shown a deposit amount that didn't match your receipt. Ever. Really. Yes, banks make mistakes, but that particular mistake in a computer system would shock me. I'd probably start keeping my money under my mattress.

If you deposit money in a machine the receipt will show the amount you claim to be depositing. But I know from experience that you may get a correction letter from the bank saying your account was credited $49.38 based on your input, but they found the deposit to be $49.83, and they are crediting the difference to your account.

Keep all the paper you want. No problem by me. But, please, stop being so judgmental about someone who has a different attitude and different behavior patterns. Clarise asked for advice on how to get out of a jam she got herself into. She didn't need her motives or her competence questioned.

Early in his dementia my husband went through a very paranoid period, especially about money. One day I have him the full bank statement and asked if he wanted me to go over it with him. No, he could do it himself. And he did -- with the papers upside down!

If you are dealing with someone not fully able to reason, you often have to come up with ways to satisfy them, even if they aren't efficient for you. Come here and vent!
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Well, it's actually about a 50-year-old who decided to disregard her 86-year-old mom's instructions and then lie to her. Tell your mom you lost them and then go to the bank for evidence you made the deposits.

I had a mom pretty much like your mom. Wanted all her financial i's dotted and t's crossed. In a million YEARS I wouldn't have disregarded her wishes as you did. Probably some passive-aggressive stuff going on.

WHO THROWS OUT DEPOSIT SLIPS??
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Frankly, I don't agree that deposit receipts shouldn't be saved. And whether or not you agree to make copies of the checks prior to deposit really isn't your decision. These are your mother's checks; it's your responsibility to handle them the way she wants.

Without either, you have no proof other than the checking account statement that the checks were deposited as your mother requested. And it's not impossible for banks to make mistakes.

I'm wondering why though is she receiving $400 checks while she's in AL. It would be easier and safer to have them deposited directly with the bank - then you don't have to deposit them.

By your definition, I would be a paper freak too because not only do I keep financial data, I keep legal data as well.

Your false statement that you were saving "bank crap to get [her] off [your] back" when you weren't doesn't really suggest to me that you're the best person to be handling any aspect of your mother's financial affairs. It may seem like a little white lie, but it's a lie nevertheless. There's a big difference between junk mail and legitimate financial data.

How do you get out of the mess you've made? You go to the bank and pay to get a duplicate receipt. And you pay for it yourself; don't take it out of your mother's account. It's your mother's money, not yours, and she has the right to have the receipts.

Frankly, I think there's something else going on here.
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I don't keep bank deposit slips. I used to until I finally figured out I do not use them or need them.

And I would discourage my mother from wanting them. But if I couldn't talk her out of it and that is what she wanted, I'd save them for her. Copying her check before depositing it? I think I would encourage auto deposits if that is at all possible. So she wants you to copy the check, deposit it, and save the receipt ... so she can compare them later? And catch the bank in a mistake? Lordy, what a pain when you've got a million other things to do!

For now, sit down with her and the bank statement and go over all the deposits with her. Tell her that you'll start keeping the receipts for her. Go with her to the office and ask if it is OK for her to bring her checks in to have them copied. Let her be responsible for that end of it. (At least that is what I would do. Or you could say, politely, that beggars can't be choosers, and you'll deposit her checks for her but you'll do it your way.)

And really work on the direct deposit angle!
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Clarise1 - When my 81 year old mom started forgetting stuff (like to take medicine, go to dr. appts, etc.) and started keeping everything and buying duplicates of everything that comes in a can, we (two siblings and myself) sat her down and said living alone is no longer an option. None of us lives in same town so we can't take care of her there. She was given a choice- go to Assisted Living or live with one of us. She refused to pay the cost of live in help so she agreed to sell her home. She lasted 6 months with my brother b-4 his wife said she goes or I go! So now she is with me in my house almost 2 years now. I changed all her banking to electronic so I don't have to deal with deposits. Two years ago, I could see the writing on the wall so had her attorney create Living Trust of which I am Trustee. I took away her check book, and changed any bill she received to paperless with my email address. She can't remember what she had for dinner last night, so there is no way she can handle money anymore. If she says I want it done this way, I just tell her no, I am doing it my way because it is easier and there is less paper to file-plus I work 40 hours a week. I get on the bank site daily to check for any unauthorized activity and will gladly show her online (have never seen any discrepancies). I had to put up with her asking me almost daily "Do I have any money?" until I told her she needed to accept the fact that she DOES has money and I am taking care of EVERYTHING financial, medical etc and to ask me for anything she needs/wants and I will get it for her. I put a folded $100 dollar bill in her wallet and $20 in ones and $5 bills so she sees money when she opens the wallet. I took away her car keys because she got lost once when she was following me home in her car so she is no longer allowed out unless she walks. That won't happen because she hates to exercise. I take her to the grocery store with me and out somewhere (movie, dinner, casino) weekly. I also bring my granddaughter (5 yrs old) along if movie is age appropriate). My children have standing open invitation to dinner any nite so they visit nearly every week. She sees them more now than she did when she lived alone. She grumbles every now & then but all I have to do is tell her she is free to move to a home any time but she can never live alone again because she cannot take care of herself and she sold her home. She raised me to be outspoken so I don't hold back just because she is old. I love her to pieces and will do anything I can to make her life easier/better - except let her live alone.
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I went through this (very briefly) with my mom. Sounds more like she wants to be sure you're actually making the deposits? My mom was fiercely independent and a bit controlling, so the thought of losing control over her personal life & finances scared her. I totally get that. It would me too. Would your mom's monthly bank statement suffice? It should show all transactions.

Mom wanted me to run her to the bank every other day to make deposits and withdraw cash to give to me to run errands for her. She didn't believe in ATMs. I don't know how quickly your mom moves about, but my mom was slow as molasses in winter so any trip with her took 2x longer :) I just didn't have the patience for that on top of everything else. I was caring for her at home. It was a 24 hr job, so every task had to be done quickly & efficiently. I told her I needed an ATM card to make deposits for her and took her to the bank to get one. When I used the ATM to make deposits for her, I selected the 'receipt with copy of check image' option. Don't know if that's an option where you are - but it's nice. A scanned image of the check is on the receipt.

I think mom liked the junk mail addressed to her because she was losing responsibilities and it gave her something that was 'hers' - a feeling of worth? I can understand that. She had a small stack in her room and every now and then, I would pull a few from the bottom of the stack to throw out. She never noticed.

Caregiving is difficult. I tried to take her psychological needs in consideration and find methods that worked for both of us. Don't beat yourself up. Believe me; when she lies there dying - check receipts will no longer matter.
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