My mom is very sweet, but always going on about how lonely she is and she lives with my sis.

My grandmother was fiercely independent and as social as she could be, she belonged to local seniors and women's groups, had many pen and telephone friends, was the linchpin of the family. But she was lonely. It was the kind of loneliness all the socializing in the world couldn't mend, when all was said and done in the end she ate her solitary supper and went to bed alone.
Your mom might thrive in a different environment where there were opportunities for company and activities right outside her door, or she might be like my grandmother and feel a need that can never be met again in this life. You and your sister can only do so much for her, you can't be her everything. Sis may just have to harden her heart a little bit and try not take these statements to heart, she deserves to have her own needs met as well.
Encourage your sis to take more time for herself, be there to listen, and leave the door open for a dialogue about changing mom's living arrangements.

I would make sure that she's had an evaluation for depression.

Hi Cindy& Pam. I know it is very tough for You and Your dear Sister but Your Mom probably is lonely. Try music from the 1940 s when Your Mom was in Her late teens and early 20 s. Music is very soothing and calming, or try leaving the radio on for those chat shows. I live alone now and I find I'm listening to the radio all of the time, and it's great company. You could also get a little house trained pet for Your Mom and after a time Your Mom will become very attached to it.

With these other good answers in mind, I think #1 you must fully recognize that you can't fix everything for her. Her peers are gone, she's no longer needed in the workforce or as a homemaker, etc. I'd prepare some appropriate phrases; ideas: "And what are you going to do about it? No? So, it's sort of the state of things, we can't change what you feel. But it's important you know that you needn't say anything to make sure that we keep checking on you and being with you." Maybe there's a part of her brain that thinks she has to state a plea in order to control her environment, like a child does. I second the query whether she could have a pet (cat comes to mind)! Is there odd juju to her being 'below stairs' - how often does she come up? Might she mean afraid sometimes when she says lonely? Lastly, is there *any* kind of duty she could be assigned that will make her feel useful? Redirect her words - get creative - and work on not feeling guilty or put off! She's lucky to have you girls.

Cindy and Pam,
Have you considered an adult day care center if there is one in your area? This is a nice way for seniors to meet and engage in supervised activities with each other during the day, but they get to come home to their families and sleep in their own bed at night. There are social models or medical models, if your mom has medical issues that require treatment, such as diabetes. In the latter case, nursing oversight is available as well. She might try it a couple of days a week at first to see if she likes it.

I don't know if this will help to add, but it may make me feel better :) My mother moved states to be near me, in her early 70s, then proceeded to pressure me to see her all the time, came over unannounced, etc... she 'hates people,' so won't do any social stuff, just consistently says that she is lonely because I don't spend enough time with her. And when really angry, screams that I have ruined her life. I had to do a lot of work to realize I can't fix this for her, no matter how sure she is that I can, so I know you can work on this too. I understand about them saying they're lonely yet rejecting any outside activities. Just keep her realizing she's making that choice, and if she were truly lonely she'd choose differently.

The comment about radio stations rang a bell here. We mostly listen to Pandora stations for Big Band music or the Rat Pack. My 88 y/o dad perks up and talk about listening to the songs at points in his life with my late mom.

Cwillie...I agree with you. I deal with this all the time with Mom. Loneliness is an interesting topic. When Mom lived with us our little dog became her dog. I had her records, my brother bought all kinds of CD's from her era. Like my mom, I believe they are lonely for their "familiar" which can't be found any longer. I recall one time my mom being lucid enough to tell me what she wanted. She wanted to sit around the kitchen table again with her dad, mom, her brothers and her sister. When she lived with us, I'd spent crazy amounts of time with her having coffee, talking, playing cards, singing, etc., but she'd still say how lonely she was. I'd make myself sick over it, losing sleep while she slept like a rock😉.

You need to get someone else in to help your Sister..and you.
Statistics show that many caregivers die before the person they are caring for does.
You do not say if your Mother is ill or what her conditions is.
If possible Adult Day Care would greatly help all of you.
If there is a Senior Service in your area or a Senior Center that has gatherings bring her there. Games, lunch, cards, outings will all help to get her a little less lonely.
Has she been seen by her doctor for possible Depression?
If she can not get out another caregiver that could come in 2 or 3 times a week would also help. The could do a bit of housework or just spend time. If all she needs is company if there are any Teens in your neighborhood that "baby sit" this might be something that they might want to do once in a while. If no direct care is necessary and it would be going for a walk, reading it might be fun for your Mom.

Great answers. For the passed 4 years my mom had an aid. She had outlived her friends so her aid was her source of companionship, but this wasnt enough for a woman who was always enjoyed social activities. This year, I realized that at 90, even with dementia, she needed to be with others like herself so we put her in a nearby assisted living and my mom is finally enjoying the last years of her life.
If this is not an option, contact the local senior center as suggested and enroll her in senior daycare.
While with an aid who did everything for her, she enjoys that little bit of independence of doing for herself and enjoys companionship from others who share the same interests.

If you're mother is expressing that she's lonely, I'm sure she is. This doesn't mean that you and your sister have to be the only means of companionship. I found that when my mother was living independently, she stopped socializing when her health was not the same as her peers. Since her health requires her to be in Skilled Nursing Facility, she is more engaged in everything; eating, activities, and talking with the residents. I would suggest moving her to an Assisted Living Facility so that her social needs can be met and this will be less stressful for your sister. If that's not affordable, then I would bring in (hire) a caregiver to come in an hour a day, for starters. Once the right match is made, I believe she will look forward to having her very own caregiver to talk with. They can go for walks together and maybe bake together as well. All the best.

Second all of the advice above and send a boatload of empathy!

I agree with most of the wonderful comments above after going through this with 2 elderly divorced parents You and your sister can not fix her loneliness and do not need to feel guilty. Only she can by moving into an assisted living facility or spending the day at the Senior Center giving her some activities and socialization and you a necessary break. Be pleasantly firm with her while setting some boundaries. Guilt trips between mothers and her children are common ways to control behavior so avoid allowing that to occur as much as possible.

If you can afford it, hire a "companion." Someone that can offer good conversation, go to lunch and a movies...ive been a companion to the elderly, and that just might be the solution for her.

Well I don't blame her for not wanting to go to the Senior Center. What is happening at the Senior Center? Bingo? Watching TV all day? Stuffed animals and other children's games that insult seniors? "Exercising" that consists of lifting your leg up and down? Talking to seniors as if they are kindergarten kids? I wouldn't show up if it was like that. What about real classes? She might be more interested in going if it was intellectually stimulating and didn't insult her. Many universities and colleges offer FREE classes to anyone over 50, or some senior age, or very low cost. They won't give you degree credit but you learn just as much. The junior colleges are great that way, many have special programs that are RESPECTFUL for seniors and treat them as capable human beings. Loneliness isn't imagined. Intellectual stimulation will challenge a person who might otherwise feel bored with things like TV, which does not involve real interaction, or insulted by activities traditionally considered for seniors. Since when do seniors dislike technology? Why are seniors considered tech-challenged or unable to learn? When I see what is happening at SOME senior centers, I walk away and think of my dad. He was a math genius and had two advanced engineering degrees. He would roll over in his grave laughing if anyone handed him a stuffed animal.

Try art classes, book clubs, your local library, maybe the Y, all these have excellent offerings. Maybe Meetup, too. Look in your local newspaper and maybe your mom might want to read it, too. Get her new glasses if she needs them. Some churches and synagogues offer folk dance groups. My mom loved to do that, right into her mid 80's.

If your Mom likes animals, I think the suggestion to get a cat is brilliant. I have had pets all my life; recently lost my cat and I feel so LONELY now... I live alone, I never wanted "people" company, but I love having an animal in my life. This makes so much sense to me... as long as it doesn't add to your sister's stress, of course.

Does she go to church? Would she go? Maybe some missionaries or clergy could come visit. Church groups, especially service groups, are a great source of companionship and some even come get you in the Church bus. The YMCA has great senior exercise groups, vigorous workouts in the pool, dance classes, etc. Maybe she would be interested in fostering a cat temporarily for the local animal shelter. Ask her how it is that she feels lonely, what would make it better. Maybe even a few trips to a psychologist counselor to help her with this would be really helpful.

Zdarov! -also music from the 40's. watch the movie "Alive Inside". It is amazing what people are able to come alive to with the music of their memories!! - come out of their comotose state to an actual state of cognizance, walking, and less feeling sorry for themselves.
I am also a caregiver (retired financial analyst). I have been blessed with people that are willing to share their realizations of lack of cignizance. I appreciate anything to help with my (lack of) caregiving skills.
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE!!!!!

What others have already said, as above.

I have nothing to add except you and your sister aren't obliged to try try try to make her 'less lonely' because it isn't YOU she's lonely for, but the past.

And I knew a social worker years ago who used to check up on her elderly clients who lived in the city. All of them lived in little rooms or motel rooms (called SROs) each one alone, without a friend or relative in the world. This social worker was literally the only human who visited them once a week, for years. So your mom is pretty well off. (and get some help, before sister dies from stress - get visitors from the church, get a paid sitter, if mom is able to go out, have the sitter take her to a senior center. Once she starts going, she will likely start loving it.)

"Lonely" means I miss what was. You cannot bring back people who are gone that our parents miss, you cannot bring back the things they did when they were 30, 40, 50, 60, etc.... They can't do the same things, if they could, they'd be doing it, and that is really what is going on, they miss what their life was. As others have said, it can't be fixed. Not for them and not for us when our times come either. For caregivers as we watch the aged years, we learn a lot don't we, it gives great insight to what we ourselves will feel down the road. Appreciate what you have now, enjoy your life what you can, and cherish those memories.

I've had the same thing with my dad, I have a small dog who loves him, he spoils rotten, I have a nice TV with over 400 channels to make sure he can watch all the games which he loves, and his favorite shows. He gets his healthy food and his favorite foods, we visit all the time, he'll even run me off because he doesn't like conversation that much, a couple of friends who are left visit when they can, we have trips out depending on the weather, etc... and I still hear the "lonely or bored" thing now and then, and what comes out every time is he wants to work in the yard, because that's what he used to do, he wants to go hunting because that's what he used to do, etc.... It's really what they miss that's going on in the mind, and you can't blame them. As far as being on different levels of the home, I have the same thing, I have a three story home on a hillside, can't do a ramp to the main floor, so my parent has his own open living quarters on the garage level of my home so he can easily get to my car when we run errands, have doc appointments, etc... we're lucky in that respect, he has a large TV area, a kitchenette, a bathroom and bedroom area. There are stairs obviously and the upstairs doorway is open to the kitchen so while I work in the kitchen, etc... he can hear me anywhere I am on the main floor, he can hear me doing laundry, cooking dinner, etc... and I think that gives him comfort. I did have to move my bedroom to the top floor, my old bedroom was over his tv area and he watches his shows into 1 am, very very loudly and I couldn't sleep. Anyway, some of us have stairs, we manage, in my case my dad doesn't mind it, he likes to have privacy and quiet some times.

It's hard for many to understand the type of loneliness your mom is going through. Being in a home myself I see it all around me. As you age and your life changes you have just the memories left. They are all you have. But you aren't able to experience that love and joy again. You feel lonely. Many of the old patients here that have been labeled "dementia" patients really aren't. They just don't have anyone to share memories with and to talk to. They get neglected, they are all alone and it hurts. They give up. No one seems to care as far as they are concerned. The few minutes some of them get with a friend or a family member just aren't enough. And being in a strange home - you feel caged. You lost your right to get up in the middle of the night for a cup of tea and a piece of toast. You cannot get the foods you like. This hell hole I am in does not even provide a tv for the patients in there rooms. You have no rights. If an aide is in your room it's barely for a minute or two and they have to move on to the next person. Strange surroundings - everything you worked for and cherished is gone. Yes it's lonely. And it can even change a person to where they give up and you think they have dementia - but they don't. There is a "dementia" patient here (for instance) who just roams the halls all day and all night. I started to greet him by name. Each day we say a few words to each other and to see the change on his face feels so good. And in speaking with him - he really does not belong here. Maybe more of an assisted living center in a large victorian home with just a few residents would be more "homey" for him.

Cindy and Pam, My heart cried for you when I read your post. I brought my mother, who has Alzheimer's, to live with me and my husband. She lived in our downstairs apartment with us for several years. My life slowly became consumed with taking care of my mother, but no matter what I did or how much time I spent with her, it was never enough. My health continued to decline, and although so many wonderful people here on this forum tried to tell me to think about myself, my health, and my family, I just kept trying. As so many have said here, you cannot "fix" your mother's loneliness. She longs for something that is no longer available to her and her poor mind cannot comprehend where the loneliness is even coming from. I was finally forced to change my own circumstances, since there was no way I could change my mother's and I moved my mother into an Private Care Assisted Living Home. This was by far the hardest decision I have ever had to make and I felt like such a failure. I truly believed that I could take care of my mother and had intented to keep her with me until the very end but I just couldn't do it. It is natural to care for love and endure the hardships that come with raising our children and watching them grown into responsible adults. It is not natural to have to care for and endure the hardships that come with watching our parents regress into little children that cannot be satisfied. Please be sure that you do what you can and be realistic with what you cannot do. If it becomes to much to care for you mother then do not feel like you have failed. If you are able to make necessary arrangements so that she can be cared for somewhere else, then you are still taking care of you mother. Your love for her means that you do what is best for her, even if that means placing her somewhere where she can be cared for and you can take care of your own health and family, something your mother really wants for you, even if she no longer can comprehend that now. Please take care of yourself. My mother is very settled in now and in her rare lucid moments she tells me how happy she is where she now lives. She loves the food there and she has a roomate now, so she is never really alone. Although she stills complains about being lonely, the never ending unfixable problem, I now have a better understanding of what is happening and I no longer feel that it is my fault and I have to do something. I just change the subject with her when I can, and when I am leaving and I get the "I am so lonely" speech, I simply listen, leave, say several prayers for strength and remind myself repeatedly, that there is nothing I can do and the loneliness she feels is not fixable. I know she is well cared for and I have done the best that I can do for her. I hope this is helpful to you. You are in my prayers.

neveralone - you did the right thing - I was too stubborn, felt ashamed - you name it - it affected my health - now I have no one to care for me and I am in this dump. Having a roommate is a good thing for her - and she is satisfied. Yes, there is a degree of loneliness - but it's better for her and for you. Blessings to you -

I've been dealing with this for 3.5 years since my mother with dementia moved into my home. I tried getting her interested in the three senior centers, the church with daily group lunches. . . she refused all of them. It was making me batty.

Every time she would go into the lonely litany, I would ask what she wanted to do about it, or if she wanted to move to a place with more people around and activities. She refuses to move again.

Oh, and refuses to talk to the doctor about depression, insists she is just "blue" from time to time.

In February she took a fall while I was at work that required stitches in her head. I took that opportunity to get her looked at by a neurologist who said she should not be alone, hired Visiting Angels to come 3 days a week a first. The insurance company (Long term care) sent a nurse out to evaluate, who said she needs someone 5 days a week.

Luckily for me the first person the sent was a keeper, and I don't hear the lonely litany nearly as often. I still pay the price if I want to go out after work, even just to get my hair done, mom plays the lonely card then.

Oh, I have two wonderful dogs that stay with her for all her waking hours, and that does help also.

Good luck, and I hope you and your sister can sort of detach a bit and not let that guilt get to you.

In my opinion, it's one of those pop psychology myths going around right now that loneliness is a state of mind, some kind of invented thing, or something intangible that is created within. I don't really think so, having been through it myself. I think first of all, it's different for each person who goes through it, and one person cannot impose their experience of loneliness on another nor judge another's experience based on what their idea of "normal" is.

All I can say is that during a period of two years I had a lot of human contact, but no spoken conversation nor in-person contact. Sure, I had Facebook, and grew to despise it. I kept telling people, "Will you please call me and speak, and stop texting me? Can we at least speak aloud to each other and have a conversation?" I also wanted to sit down and have coffee with someone. I didn't want a "date." I couldn't find one person willing to spend time with me without the "sex" part attached. I only wanted to ask, "Hey, is that all I am worth now? Only a body?" I said "no" to the sex, meaning I didn't have a coffee buddy, either.

I didn't want therapy, simply because I didn't want a paid friend. That seemed to me to be too much like prostitution. I felt sad for people I had known who had no one else to talk to in their entire lives except those paid friends in offices, simply because they continued to go back and go back to those offices, almost like an addiction, and gradually, the friends whittled away.

Reality was that loneliness, for me, was reality, not a state of mind. I really didn't have anyone to talk to. I had a long "contact list," sure, but most were dead, gone from my life, had moved, married, left, defunct address, whatever. It's sad when that happens to a person.

I did many things to change the situation. One was to relocate. That really helped! Another was to try out new things. I can't mention everything but some were special interest clubs. I became very politically active. I joined social activism groups. I published articles and got on the radio to speak about certain topics that were my specialty.

I've performed publicly a number of times. That, for me, is so empowering, actually. Drama, public performing, singing in a choir...These are so helpful for some people. I do public speaking, reading of my writings, and stand-up comedy and for whatever reason I feel very good, very alive, like somehow, my life has been given back to me.

I have not been lonely nor depressed for a long time now, several years in fact. I didn't have to rely on anyone else nor take pills to accomplish this. I didn't have to pay a person in an office. What is cool is that many of us already have the answers we need right inside of us. We only need to find them.

I agree with a lot of what you have to say IBScammed. When I said my grandmother was social but still lonely I agree she longed for the past, but I believe it was the companionship of her spouse and being part of a busy family that was lacking, not some notion of her lost youth. Loneliness is real, even among us caregivers. Those of us who are introverts (and I can't help but notice that a lot of caregivers describe themselves as one) might be content to be alone a lot, but we still need times of human companionship, interaction and intimacy.
Sorry, I'm veering off into a rant. The fact remains cindyandpam can't be their mother's everything, the best we can do for out loved ones is provide them opportunities to meet people and, if not able stimulate their minds with classes or joining a choir or travel, to at least offer some kind of diversion to help to pass the hours and days.

Yes, it's very possible to be around people but still not have one's social needs met. Such people might be described as "needy" or "demanding" but really, that's an incorrect assessment since they are not receiving what they are specifically asking for, or they are asking for something but they aren't quite getting it. So what happens?

Here's an example in concrete terms. Say you are a woman, middle-aged, who is feeling you would like to restart exercising. You go to a gym and are presented with exercise classes, including yoga and pilates. You try these and you find you do not enjoy the classes. The gym is not meeting your needs. People wonder why you still feel unfulfilled.

However, your need to exercise doesn't mean you need yoga classes. You might not be the yoga type. So many give up on exercise because they don't realize that the type of exercise they try doesn't truly meet their needs. It might be years after their initial attempt before they try again. Next time, it might be running outdoors, or walking. Viola. The person needed to be outdoors, the person needed to be alone with her thoughts for a while, and also, needed a new way to get to work. So that's an example of "needy" that wasn't really needy, it was just that the need was not met quite right at first.

So to translate this to loneliness and elderly. Maybe they are around family TOO much and need nonfamily contacts such as people their own age. Or....Maybe they are the type who relates to the younger crowd. My mom was like that. I have a relative who hangs out with hippies and does hippie stuff (use your imagination). Some elderly thrive around very young children. I remember my grandmother always came alive when she saw us kids. I remember this was true of so many elders. They would get that sparkle in their eyes seeing kids open Christmas gifts or seeing kids in costume. Or some elderly (I just read about this), after they retire, volunteer to dress up as Santa and enjoy having kids on their laps. No reason that can't be a grandma! It's a fake beard anyway! A number of relatives of mine are still playing musical instruments well into their 90's. Rock on.

I get this from my Mom too, she is in an assisted living place with a wonderful activities staff and great music playing and entertainment from her era. She won't participate in anything, but when I need to leave aftet visiting and taking her out, it always ends with me having to say bye with her carrying on about how lonely she is. Then I can't sleep.

All really good suggestions and ideas. But have you thought about making dates for her? Maybe take her out to dinner once in awhile, or cater her a tea party with her friends -- maybe a bridge or hearts game round robin, where the game is played at different people's homes.

Mom has dementia and psychosis. They all want to go back to where they lived in early childhood and teenage years. That's what mom can recall. There is no easy answer..........I see her every day......some days are better than others.