Mom, 98, is a recent rehab resident. I ask many questions daily, but don't want to appear unhappy with her care. Any advice?

Sister told you that nurse said you weren't happy with the care? Have you considered that maybe nurse did not say this to sister? Maybe sis wants mom somewhere else?

Banty, do by all means correct the impression that the very close interest you are taking in your mother's progress equates to dissatisfaction with her care.

The easiest way is probably just to ladle out compliments whenever you see the slightest opportunity.

I wouldn't indulge in Chinese whispers with your sister. Your sister may be one of the many many people who think that if you say boo to a goose inside a hospital or rehab facility the staff will think you're "complaining" and your loved one's care will suffer. I had an aunt like that, it used to drive me nuts.

Be nice, and keep speaking up! May your mother gain strength every day.

I had to look up "Chinese Whispers". In America we call it " playing telephone".

Are you sure that your sister isn't playing "Telephone" where one person tells a second person something and that person tells a third person what she thinks she heard. It is amazing how what was said at the beginning of the game of "Telephone" is not the same as what is said at the end of the game of "Telephone".

I am glad that you have such an interest in your Mother's care. Maybe the tone of your voice or your body language is being interpreted by the nursing staff and the therapists as an attitude of being upset with them when in reality, you are not upset with them.

Do you ever THANK the nursing staff or therapists for the good job that they are doing with your Mother? Or do you only ask question after question after question? Do you just sit and watch therapy and listen to what is being said? Or do you have to be in the middle offering advice and suggestions during every part of your Mother's care? Are you a "Helicopter Daughter"?

Maybe it was the way you asked the question about palliative care and/or VA benefits in regards to the possibility of bring your Mother home. Maybe your sister isn't happy that YOU asked about palliative care and/or VA benefits. Maybe your sister isn't happy that you are thinking of taking your Mother to YOUR HOUSE. Maybe your sister is unhappy because SHE IS NOT THE ONE "running the show" or making the final decisions about your Mother's care...So many "MAYBEs" :)

Talk to the Nurse Manager and tell her what a great job the nursing staff and the therapists are doing. Ask the Nurse Manager what you can do to make your Mother's stay at the facility more comfortable and how you can help your Mother with her care and therapy. And then, casually, state that you talked with your sister last night and she had a couple of concerns. Be aware of your body language and the tone of your voice while talking with the Nurse Manager, the nursing staff and the therapists. Give lots of positive feedback and lots of compliments. Good, positive communication is very important in making sure that your loved one is receiving the best care possible.

I do thank each one as they come and go from room.
It could be body language as I am very anxious (always).
Most staff and I converse,greet one another when not in mom's room. It could be misunderstanding because said sister and day nurse share a first,uncommon name. Therefore,mix up when I'm explaining things to sis on phone. She's not a gossip so I truly believe it's when I try to calm sis over issues that nurse overheard name (but it's not her).
I want best care for Mom with no misunderstanding.

Banty, the next time you see the member of staff in question, greet her cheerfully and say "isn't it a coincidence, you have exactly the same name as my sister!" - not forgetting to say something complimentary about the name, of course. (Gosh, I hope it's not Boadicea or Medusa or anything tricky like that :/) This should be a handy ice-breaker and then you can more easily win her round and set her mind at rest.

Good advice here. I imagine that the people who work there are probably used to some anxiety from family, so also try to take it easy on yourself. Good luck to mom and you all!

My dad was in rehab 4 times. There is nothing wrong with asking questions or expecting good care for your mom. My sister and I would direct our issues or needs directly to the person over rehab which for this facility the assistant director of nursing. She was respectful and responsive. I don’t know how long your mom has been there but it’s perfectly fine to ask for a care conference at any time. Be sure your sister either attends or they can conference her in over a speaker phone. That is how we did it as my sister lives 4 hours away. This is where you can get progress reports, air questions and get answers etc. if you haven’t had one, then request it.

There are good and bad facility staff but if you visit often they will be very careful with the care if you can't have someone else go visit. They will only be careful with the care but this care will spread to other patients because they see that you are aware of what goes on at the facility.

Some professionals are oversensitive and might not like your questions as they perceive that by asking, you are questioning their technique or decisions. I found that it helped to be as tactful as possible because there is an army of people taking care of your loved one and of course, there could be a few like that sprinkled in. But you are doing it right. Be friendly and polite and just explain "Nothing personal...I just run this way:)" It can be frustrating for them....they are very busy, and it can be frustrating for you, because you just want to help your loved one. Establishing a rapport with your mom's social worker might help too. Little gestures like a little basket of individually wrapped candies in mom's room for the helpers doesn't hurt. I hope that your mom recovers well enough to return home, but if she can't she'll have you by her side.

How would the evening nurse know your not happy. I doubt if the day shift passes on that info to a night shift. And your there in the morning. I think there are a LOT of people who are not happy about a LO care and ask questions all the time. The nurses know this.
If Mom is a new resident, its a little early to ask if she can come home.
She probably has not been fully evaluated yet. Ask when your first care meeting will be. It should be within the week. If you have questions, direct them to the RN at the nurses desk. (Will the VA cover something is a question for another department) They should be willing to give you an update on Mom everyday. You could come in and ask "How is Mom today" They should tell you she had a good night, etc. If you see any kind of decline, ask. If you don't get anywhere with the RN ask to speak to the doctor seeing her.

I said that I doubt the nurses pass on that your not happy with Moms care because they don't pass on my husbands deaf without his hearing aid. I told them when he was admitted and when I visited. And each shift change or new doctor, I had to tell them again. I even asked that a big note be put in his chart so it was immediately seen. So frustrating for my DH when they wouldn't even look at him when they talked. I had one nurse come in jabbering away. He heard none of what she was saying. I had this with my Dementia Mom. Two nurses, I think students, were explaining to her what was going to happen. Going on and on. I told them she had Dementia and hadn't understood a thing they just said. You could tell by the look on Moms face. They lost her on the first word.

You have to be an advocate for Mom. You have to ask questions. Even if you feel they maybe stupid. You could say "sorry, just wondering why you are doing that or why it was done. Do not allow them to intimidate you. Mom has rights.

YOU are suppose to question the caring of our mother, you are paying or they are take the cost of living wherever she is from her monthly check..my mom was in a nursing home, her monthly check was attaching to the nursing home for her care, and they gave her $30 for her to do what she wanted..Now if you charge $25.00 to do her hair, what is $5 gonna get you... Another thing always, always visit your mother in the nursing home, go at different times, never go the same time, that way they never know when you are coming and you will be surprise as to how they are treating your love ones....If you are not satisfied with the caring of your mom, dont go to the nurse, dont go to the social worker, go to the directors themselves an explain your concerns...the nurses just work there and doing their job and what they are told to do. Tho some nurses can be verrrry nasty...I came across this problem regarding my mom, but i quickly straighten it out with the director...aint had no further problems after that..Mom died 2015 at the age of 93, but after I show that even tho mom was in the nursing home, she was still my mom and they were not going to treat her any kind of way...hope this helps you.. :)

I attempted to  write something, though not offending and finally I sought out this scripture verse.

James 1:19

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:”

Thanks for all the tips! Things seem to be on less suspicious terms now as we've settled in.
I did request a 2nd care meeting this week requiring 3 of 4 of us (1out of state) to be there. I think my sister comprehends the situation a bit more now.
I,too, have relaxed into the care they are giving Mom. Most seem to adore her, but i do understand when the ones toileting her get frustrated. It's hard to get the 2nd in quickly to help. All in all,I am pleased with the facility.