This morning I remembered what my daughter did with her dad when he moved into assisted living. He didn't want to and was very unhappy. He wouldn't eat in the dining room or participate in events.
When she would visit him at mealtimes, he ate in his room. When mealtime started, she would encourage him to eat in the dining room. He didn't want to eat with those people. So, she would leave him, go into the dining room and eat with the group. She made friends with the group and had a good time. After dinner she would go back and say goodnight to her dad, told him what a good time she had and left.
One time they were going on a bus to visit some local sites. He decided he didn't want to go, so daughter went and left him at the home. She had a blast. When she got off the bus, said good bye to her dad, told him what a good time she had and left.
They live in Washington, one time the Seahawks were playing a home game and the AL had a "tailgate party" (no one left the premises). She said when they invited her, they mentioned they were even going to have beer. He didn't want to participate. So, daughter, left him in his room and watched the football game where everyone else was. When it was over, she went to his studio apt, told him good by and what a good time she had and left.
He finally got the message if he wanted to visit with her, he had to participate in the events. It wasn't too long before he was eating with everyone and he started "helping" people worse off than he was. Mission accomplished.
Is the independent living community forcing her to remain in her room? If so, i would get her out of there. She will die of blood clots from sitting and doing nothing. Sign up for the CPAP plan where family get paid approx $15-$17 per hour to become their parents caregivers or to pay a caregiver of their choice. I made my living room into a partitioned bedroom. OR, have her come over from Thursday to Saturday so she has something to look forward to? I know i am not getting all the details and i apologize for that. Otherwise, have every buy or have every relative or friend buy a use older chunky version of a used tablet for like $50 each from ebay and connect her to all these people,. She can have her aids set this up for her so she sees her friends and her family on her skype monitor. SOmething like that. I did this for my dad and he stopped having anxiety that he could not see his son. Now he could see my brother whenever he wants and i could also set up the skype at times my brother said it was appropriate.
Last year after emergency surgery I succumbed to staff pressure and spent about 2 weeks in a rehab place. It was an eye opener. Food as awful as the stories you hear but the absence of friends or family was more challenge than I ever realized. I think the only thing that helps is one to one /face to face meetings, not these F'ing window visit they were so hell bent on offering like that was the best they could do and that was okay. It wasn't. And it was depressing. For me I felt out of my element, out of control, heck they wouldn't even let me go outside! I needed fresh air, sunshine....and I will never be complacent again. Someone mentioned the word "move" If she was willing and you are able, I'd move her to be closer, but that's just me. That's not an easy solution either long-term.
kterliz: This was my late mother. She was adamant about living alone ten hours away from me. With a whole host of ailments, her blood pressure bottoming out required me to move in with her. I do not advocate this. As some others have said, an audiologist would be able to provide a hearing assessment for your mother.
I'm going to throw this out as another possible reason mom is not socializing or going to meals....do you know if she has hearing loss? So many elders won't socialize because they can't hear well and that in itself causes them to isolate. Also, hearing loss is a predictor of possible dementia later in life mainly due to the lack of socialization. So if your mom hasn't been tested or if she has and won't wear a hearing aid, you might try to persuade her with the evidence linking hearing loss to dementia and isolation. it may persuade her to do something about it. Other than that calling less, even if it is a challenge for you, is the right thing to do. You are her crutch and nothing will change as long as you play that role.
Is there a move option? Maybe move her closer to you or you to her? Would she consider an assisted living community where her peers would be company? Are you doing phone calls or video? Ask her what she likes to do. Sometimes we don’t know our parents likes as well as we think we do. Ask her and then figure out the counter balance of how to implement it.
A good therapist helped me. Find one who is older. My Dr. Helped... and she was 10 yrs younger so grew up in my era. Being widowed at an older age is most difficult, add Covid n you are lonely. Your activities are closed down She is fortunate to have you. I only have a granddaughter who lives in another state and was great at 1st ... but now she is not even close to being nice. And will not talk on phone n responds to text messages once in a while. But I interact with her because I want to see my great granddaughter. Which is 1 or 2 days a year. You can help by getting her involved with brain games on her phone, tablet and I found great books and colored pencils... some are good enough for framing. Also if she likes to read, I get free or cheap books online and have Kindle and NOOK which are free to install on your cell phone. Hope this helps. You are a great daughter. Our local technical is going to start up its LEARNING IN RETIREMENT CLASSES which were closed. A church group.
Is she computer savvy? Why I am saying this Echo show 8 or others like this you can see each other and talk to each other. It may help with the covid isolation.
I wouldn't think of it as 'helping her find a way to be more positive.' I would reframe to how to manage overwhelm, depression, anxiety, loneliness. * It would be a combination of support (I believe) - caregivers - social worker (if available/networked) - neighbors support - medication
Rather than helping by 'pushing' away the depression or feelings, talk to her and allow her room to express how she feels 'get it out' like in therapy. * Re-focus her thoughts or 're-direct' * It is a collective process of supportive people as well as various ways of communicating with her, depending on where she is at emotionally. There is no one way that fits. It is often a moment-to-moment situation. * Don't try to fix her or make her feel better by explaining. Listen, offer reflective listening (I understand how you feel... this must be hard for you...) Gena / Touch Matters
Understand exactly what you are going thru. Been thru it for the 1st week I brought my mother into our home to live with us.. Mom's bedroom is at the other end of the house to our bedroom. My husband put a door in the hallway with the lock on the outside. Mom has her own bathroom and we have a baby camera in her room which we can watch on our cellphones. It's been working great aa she gets up every 2 hours. She does not nap during the day. I have her doing exercises and make her get up every hour to wake or she will sit and not move. Her sun downing starts at 3:30-4:00 Bed time is 8:30 & I get her up by 10 am if she is not up. Fingers crossed - this seems to work for us. Hope this helps!
I have similar situation with long-widowed 87YO mom, in Independent Living far from me (slightly closer to my brother), but often bored and lonely. Her problem is she will NOT participate in the planned activities, thinks they're "lame". She goes to all the meals and tries to talk with folks but says she has to carry all the conversations and she gets tired of that and hurt that no one is interested in HER.
Another problem is she has NO hobbies or interests - as I write that I wonder - is that possible? she used to be interested in interesting conversation, spiritual growth, foreign missions, etc. but I don't think she reads (can't? due to ST memory loss?) any more. She does crosswords and solitaire on the computer and that's about it. Watches some tv. Goes to Bible study and church - she LIVES for that. I try to get her to invite ladies from her building or church - over for coffee and conversation and she just won't do it. I don't think she's mentally able to confidently do something like that but she's also not completely gone mentally either. It's a tough spot.
I am trying to call MORE (not a phone person and neither is she, really) and I think that helps. I tell myself it doesn't have to be LONG or all that MEANINGFUL (I too enjoy interesting conversation which doesn't happen much with her anymore). But I struggle with feeling I have to provide happiness for her, so the conversation here helps me with that.
I hope you can find a solution that fits YOU. I have a similar situation, but after much time, I realized "my mom wants ME to entertain her' and she refuses to reach out to others.... trying to manipulate me to spending more time with her. Her traveling companion died, 20 months ago, she is blind, and 89. She lives in a mobile home park with friends but refuses to reach out to them. 'They Never call me'. She loves her pitty party, so I let her. It has been hard on me, since I am a rescuer... no more! I have to limit my time and calls, I still feel guilt, but I am working through this.
Her depression is worse.......yadi, yadi So this isn't a new gig for you. Politely and lovingly show her your wonderful kickass life. There's nothing like a child's life to perk up a parent. Trust me. The down line doing well means the up line can sleep well....starting at 8pm!
You say, " Mom has had a few really weird episodes of disorientation in the past few weeks" which is cause for concern in an 89 y/o elder. You may need to plan a trip down to visit her for a few days so you can see for yourself what's going on, and even better, have her schedule an appt with her PCP for that time so you can go with her. She may be developing dementia which means it's time for Assisted Living vs. Independent Living, so more services and help are available to mom as she needs them. Most AL apartments DO have kitchenettes where she can still prepare food (in a microwave) and have a fridge at her disposal. But you don't want her cooking/baking in an oven if she does have dementia b/c that's a dangerous thing to be doing ie: leaving the burners on/forgetting something is cooking in the oven, etc. I think a medical evaluation is in order now esp since the Covid isolation HAS worsened things for many elders over the past year plus. My own mother who's 94.5 has worsened significantly with her dementia during these miserable Covid times as well, and she lives with 22 others in a Memory Care ALF so she's never really 'alone' until the evenings. And even then the CGs come and go all the time from her suite.
In any event, really weird periods of disorientation in an elder is NOT normal & should be checked out to see what's going on with mom. Even if it's not dementia, she could be having TIAs or mini strokes. Especially that you children are all living far away from her means that you'll need to make sure she's safe & secure where she's living so you can all be at peace knowing she has the care in place, should she need it.
Wishing you the best of luck with a tricky situation.
Just to reassure you that I am taking her episodes seriously. She had an appt w/ her doc and he agreed w/ me that stressful situations could cause her short episodes of disorientation.(he and I speak quarterly after her appts.) She is seeing a counselor since being widowed. She can manage by herself still. My husband and I are there every other month, and we will continue to reassess each visit. When I first wrote, she had been driving me crazy that day. Mostly, she is ok. Her companion had just tested positive and Mom had just dealt w/ testing and waiting for good results. Stress levels were through the roof for everyone! The past few days were almost pleasant, less calls, less guilt. I feel better since posting, and reading everyone's advice.
You must love your Mom a lot! And she probably thinks it is she who is helping you! Yes, decrease the calls to just in time to get ready and go to breakfast (1). (2) Just in time to get ready and go to lunch. (3) Just in time to go to dinner. Tell her to call back after she has returned from dinner.
Go to the dining room alone! That is where you find some nice people to meet up with, they may ask you to dine with them. That is how it works. She can find a time when her friends are dining, and just show up.
Cut back or stop the suggestions for activities. That is not your job. The community sends newsletters with the activities. If you tell her, it will go in one ear and out the other. Maybe they have an activities director you can call and ask them to make an attempt to remind her, and include her. That is their job.
Mom is not going to go anywhere with you on the phone meeting all her social needs by phone. Can you just imagine her saying: "I've got to go because my daughter is going to call me"?? It's okay, you were trying to be of help. Don't be hard on yourself.
Just read geddyupgo with the same suggestion!
Maybe they can find someone for your Mom 'to help' get to meals, since she has helped others in her life, and that is who she is.
Covid put hard restrictions even on people in independent living - dining rooms closed so meals in rooms, activities cancelled. It's rough. I can't find where you mentioned how she was directly after your Dad died. Was she in independent living with him or did that come later? When Dad was alive was she active and outgoing or did she kind of stay in his shadow? Was she always depressed of did that start after Dad's death? Did she have any hobbies or interests during her adult life (maybe even something that she wanted to do but didn't because she was raising a family) - reading, knitting, crocheting, cards, word games, bocce ball, dancing, opera, ballet, painting etc.
After you mentally review the above, you might want to contact her independent living and see if you can speak to the activities director and find out what activities she is allowed to participate in without extra charge. I'm sure that all activities were cancelled during the heyday of the pandemic (they had to be because of the contagion factor) but they are probably starting to lift restrictions now. Unfortunately, for some people it may be impossible to recapture the time loss due to covid and there is nothing we can do about that.
Try to come up with a plan with the activities director so that they can invite Mom to participate although remember it is only independent living and even in assisted living, resident's rights indicates you can "force" a person to participate in an activity if they decline. And even the best facilities are understaffed at the present time so aides don't always have much time to chat with a resident before they have to move on to the next person. It's difficult for everyone. You might try decreasing the number of times you call also to see if that might force her into an activity (if she can't constantly complain to you, perhaps she will go outside her room and talk and complain to other residents. Anything to start the ball rolling, right?
She is fortunate to have such a loving caring daughter but remember to take care of yourself and your own life. That is what parents want you to do. I wish you peace on your journey. Please let us know how things work out.
Thanks so much for your kind words. Mom used to be the one that took care of everyone in her neighborhood. When she and dad moved into the CCRC 6 yrs ago, all was good. Dad had a few falls and spiralled into dementia, and Mom leapt into caregiver role. When she lost him, she lost her purpose. We 3 kids (all in our 60's), are scattered around the country. We have always made the effort to visit often, especially when Dad was declining. I usually would spend a week with them about every couple of months. When Covid hit, Mom was in the process of moving from a cottage in the CCRC, to an apartment across the street in the same complex. The move was delayed, and finally, she moved in Aug. last yr. Because the community dining was halted by covid, I hired a companion to come twice a week to have dinner with her. (she still does) The dining room is open again, but she rarely will make the effort to call anyone to dine with. Luckily, there are a few wonderful widow ladies who call her occasionally to invite her to eat with them. Activities have resumed for now, and she is participating in many, but evenings alone are the worst. BTW, my husband agrees with everyone who has responded, telling me to cut back on our calls. I have tried. I should also mention that she has had a few episodes of disorientation lately that scared me silly. This is getting too long, sorry! I'm going to stop for now. Thanks again for responding.
Are there any day programs where she lives? Even if not, I know of several that are run virtually, so that elderly folk can chat and socialize even remotely.
If you can, I would strongly consider getting her a PSW for your mom. Even if just once or twice a week. They can help with light cleaning, or taking her outside. Grocery shopping, or going out for lunch. If your mom likes to bake, she can be helpful with that as well - no dishes for your mom to do.
Thank you for your response. Mom is still very independent, just had the negative nellies. I guess I just needed to vent! BTW, she usually bakes all the time, the freezer is always full. Lately though, her interest in doing anything is missing. Probably why I got into this site...
You really can't help her be more positive as that is on her, not you.(we are all responsible for our own choices) But you can however encourage her to get involved with the activities that I'm sure her assisted living facility has going on throughout the week(even with Covid). And again if she chooses not to, that's on her not you. I would discontinue calling her so much as well, as I'm sure that isn't helping either. If she doesn't have you to gripe to 8 times a day, she may just get out there and start having some fun. You may want to give that a try. Best wishes.
Tough love, huh? I am trying not to call so often, but it is hard. As I wrote to geddyupgo, part of why I call so often is because Mom has had a few really weird episodes of disorientation in the past few weeks, and I worry. I appreciate everyone's responses. My husband has been after me to join a caregiver support group for years. I'm hoping that venting to folks who are in the same(ish) boat will help. Thanks for letting me "talk"
When she would visit him at mealtimes, he ate in his room. When mealtime started, she would encourage him to eat in the dining room. He didn't want to eat with those people. So, she would leave him, go into the dining room and eat with the group. She made friends with the group and had a good time. After dinner she would go back and say goodnight to her dad, told him what a good time she had and left.
One time they were going on a bus to visit some local sites. He decided he didn't want to go, so daughter went and left him at the home. She had a blast. When she got off the bus, said good bye to her dad, told him what a good time she had and left.
They live in Washington, one time the Seahawks were playing a home game and the AL had a "tailgate party" (no one left the premises). She said when they invited her, they mentioned they were even going to have beer. He didn't want to participate. So, daughter, left him in his room and watched the football game where everyone else was. When it was over, she went to his studio apt, told him good by and what a good time she had and left.
He finally got the message if he wanted to visit with her, he had to participate in the events. It wasn't too long before he was eating with everyone and he started "helping" people worse off than he was. Mission accomplished.
Other than that calling less, even if it is a challenge for you, is the right thing to do. You are her crutch and nothing will change as long as you play that role.
Being widowed at an older age is most difficult, add Covid n you are lonely. Your activities are closed down
She is fortunate to have you. I only have a granddaughter who lives in another state and was great at 1st ... but now she is not even close to being nice. And will not talk on phone n responds to text messages once in a while.
But I interact with her because I want to see my great granddaughter. Which is 1 or 2 days a year.
You can help by getting her involved with brain games on her phone, tablet and I found great books and colored pencils... some are good enough for framing. Also if she likes to read, I get free or cheap books online and have Kindle and NOOK which are free to install on your cell phone.
Hope this helps.
You are a great daughter.
Our local technical is going to start up its LEARNING IN RETIREMENT CLASSES which were closed. A church group.
* It would be a combination of support (I believe)
- caregivers
- social worker (if available/networked)
- neighbors support
- medication
Rather than helping by 'pushing' away the depression or feelings, talk to her and allow her room to express how she feels 'get it out' like in therapy.
* Re-focus her thoughts or 're-direct'
* It is a collective process of supportive people as well as various ways of communicating with her, depending on where she is at emotionally. There is no one way that fits. It is often a moment-to-moment situation.
* Don't try to fix her or make her feel better by explaining. Listen, offer reflective listening (I understand how you feel... this must be hard for you...)
Gena / Touch Matters
Bed time is 8:30 & I get her up by 10 am if she is not up. Fingers crossed - this seems to work for us. Hope this helps!
Another problem is she has NO hobbies or interests - as I write that I wonder - is that possible? she used to be interested in interesting conversation, spiritual growth, foreign missions, etc. but I don't think she reads (can't? due to ST memory loss?) any more. She does crosswords and solitaire on the computer and that's about it. Watches some tv. Goes to Bible study and church - she LIVES for that. I try to get her to invite ladies from her building or church - over for coffee and conversation and she just won't do it. I don't think she's mentally able to confidently do something like that but she's also not completely gone mentally either. It's a tough spot.
I am trying to call MORE (not a phone person and neither is she, really) and I think that helps. I tell myself it doesn't have to be LONG or all that MEANINGFUL (I too enjoy interesting conversation which doesn't happen much with her anymore). But I struggle with feeling I have to provide happiness for her, so the conversation here helps me with that.
Her traveling companion died, 20 months ago, she is blind, and 89. She lives in a mobile home park with friends but refuses to reach out to them. 'They Never call me'. She loves her pitty party, so I let her. It has been hard on me, since I am a rescuer... no more! I have to limit my time and calls, I still feel guilt, but I am working through this.
So this isn't a new gig for you.
Politely and lovingly show her your wonderful kickass life.
There's nothing like a child's life to perk up a parent.
Trust me. The down line doing well means the up line can sleep well....starting at 8pm!
In any event, really weird periods of disorientation in an elder is NOT normal & should be checked out to see what's going on with mom. Even if it's not dementia, she could be having TIAs or mini strokes. Especially that you children are all living far away from her means that you'll need to make sure she's safe & secure where she's living so you can all be at peace knowing she has the care in place, should she need it.
Wishing you the best of luck with a tricky situation.
Yes, decrease the calls to just in time to get ready and go to breakfast (1).
(2) Just in time to get ready and go to lunch. (3) Just in time to go to dinner.
Tell her to call back after she has returned from dinner.
Go to the dining room alone! That is where you find some nice people to meet up with, they may ask you to dine with them. That is how it works. She can find a time when her friends are dining, and just show up.
Cut back or stop the suggestions for activities. That is not your job. The community sends newsletters with the activities. If you tell her, it will go in one ear and out the other. Maybe they have an activities director you can call and ask them to make an attempt to remind her, and include her. That is their job.
Mom is not going to go anywhere with you on the phone meeting all her social needs by phone. Can you just imagine her saying: "I've got to go because my daughter is going to call me"?? It's okay, you were trying to be of help. Don't be hard on yourself.
Just read geddyupgo with the same suggestion!
Maybe they can find someone for your Mom 'to help' get to meals, since she has helped others in her life, and that is who she is.
I hope she feels better soon!
After you mentally review the above, you might want to contact her independent living and see if you can speak to the activities director and find out what activities she is allowed to participate in without extra charge. I'm sure that all activities were cancelled during the heyday of the pandemic (they had to be because of the contagion factor) but they are probably starting to lift restrictions now. Unfortunately, for some people it may be impossible to recapture the time loss due to covid and there is nothing we can do about that.
Try to come up with a plan with the activities director so that they can invite Mom to participate although remember it is only independent living and even in assisted living, resident's rights indicates you can "force" a person to participate in an activity if they decline. And even the best facilities are understaffed at the present time so aides don't always have much time to chat with a resident before they have to move on to the next person. It's difficult for everyone. You might try decreasing the number of times you call also to see if that might force her into an activity (if she can't constantly complain to you, perhaps she will go outside her room and talk and complain to other residents. Anything to start the ball rolling, right?
She is fortunate to have such a loving caring daughter but remember to take care of yourself and your own life. That is what parents want you to do. I wish you peace on your journey. Please let us know how things work out.
This is getting too long, sorry! I'm going to stop for now. Thanks again for responding.
If you can, I would strongly consider getting her a PSW for your mom. Even if just once or twice a week. They can help with light cleaning, or taking her outside. Grocery shopping, or going out for lunch. If your mom likes to bake, she can be helpful with that as well - no dishes for your mom to do.
I would discontinue calling her so much as well, as I'm sure that isn't helping either. If she doesn't have you to gripe to 8 times a day, she may just get out there and start having some fun. You may want to give that a try. Best wishes.
Thanks for letting me "talk"