What mistakes have you made in trying to get your siblings involved in caring for your parent?

I wish I knew what I did wrong! Thought I was doing it all by the book; family meeting at the beginning with a mediator, printed out calendars, sent daily updates to each of the siblings. They would show up and sit! But there was always something they needed to do if I requested a break for a few hours. There was never any "offer" to help in those two years.

It was easier to pay someone to come daily for a few hours. Siblings did take vacation time so I could take a couple of long weekends with the hubby. But upon the return home, I had to listen to everything they did for Mom, what they didn't "get" to do at home and an accounting of the number of hours each spent here. It was easier after that to have a paid 24/7 caregiver when we left and let siblings continue being visitors. They were more comfortable in that position.

The old saying goes something like this: Two parents can raise a dozen kids but a dozen kids cannot take care of two elderly parents.

I think the MOST important thing is to do what is right for you. I wanted to be in my mom's life and care for her, so I did. I didn't resent the freedom my brother and sister had, because when I thought about it, I chose to be with my mom.

I learned that asking them to do things and being specific resulted in the miracle that I got exactly what I asked for. I didn't need them to be too involved, but I asked my sister to visit once a month and to cook and she did! The good news is that their terrible relationship was mended by the time my mom passed. I am so happy my sister had that opportunity and I got a weekend off every month.

After mom passed I told my brother to sit in the corner by the desk where my dad had kept a LIFETIME of papers. I asked my brother to clean that out. He asked the tax accountant for guidance on keeping and tossing paperwork and he spent 4 whole days working on it until every doc was shredded and I was left with two small drawers of papers.

So, the only thing I would have done differently is to think of really good questions to ask them.

The big mistake I have made recently is to tell them too much about the execution of the will. If I tell them a small step I've taken I am given TONS of suggestions (that I have already done!!). So, now I learned NOT to tell them anything until it is time for their participation in a decision or until something is complete or until I want them to handle something and I just turn it over to them... otherwise they cause complete chaos and everyone is an 'expert'.... a hugely disruptive expert.

Live and learn. Wish I had read the answers to this question before I made those mistakes. Thanks for asking!!

I know many caregivers and there is a standard theme of where one does the work and the rest do some or have excuses it seems to be trend.

Today, I decided to communicate but I am not going to force or make them do anything. The reason is because once again today, I was reminded of why I do what I do. My husband and I take my mom out for shopping or siteseeing because it keeps her spirits high even when she is not remember much. This afternoon my sister that calls every 6 or so called today, it has been about a month, so we were surprised. Anyway, when they were talking mom was telling her about the yellow skirt we bought, our trip to the Alamo and her adventure to the State Capital. These are memories that I will treasure and have, they are priceless. So to me all of our adventures are worth the bad times and the time my husband and I do not get alone. So for me, this is how I keep things in perspective.

My biggest mistake was even thinking my sister was going on this journey with me. She told me she wasn't interested in getting involved and I should've listened. She was mom's favorite and could do no wrong, I should've accepted it. But I fought it, thought it was grossly unfair and cried a river. I was trying to change dysfunctional family dynamics after too many years and was doomed to fail. As I move forward, for when my time comes to require care, I will encourage my kids and my husband's kids to get a plan of action and get on the same page, at least. My kids were very active in caring for my mom so they were involved in the battle on the front lines. I sure hope they learned from all the mistakes.

Thanks for sharing, Littletonway. That sounds stressful! They really didn't seem to get what you were going through.

littletonway, You did nothing wrong other than perhaps trying to keep "unwilling to be involved people" involved. All that did was add more to your already heavy load. I am glad you found caregivers to help. We have two that we could not function without. They are now part of our family.
I'm not sure there is anything that can be done to light a fire under the rear-ends of siblings that don't want to be involved. They are usually too involved with themselves to see their lack of responsibilty. When my brother was trying to act like he cared, he told my sister that I did not tell him what needed to be done. She told him to walk into their home and see what needed to be done. I just wondered who he thought told me what needed to be done. Now he has no contact with my parents. Daddy no longer remembers he had a son, Mama is hurt by his lack of caring and my sister and I have just written him out of our lives. I'm not saying that if he decided he wanted to come back and treat our parents right, we would show him the door, but he is going to have to show that he intends to help (even if just calling Mama occasionally). At this point I will not allow him to see Daddy. Daddy suffered a great deal thinking his son was dead before he just forgot about him. I will not allow him to be put thru that again.
All you can do is provide an open door. If siblings want to help, they'll walk in it. If they don't, don't let them add to the burdens in your life. There are much more important things that need your attention. Learn to "let go" so sib's irresponsibilty does not haunt you.

Boy - all my answers would be cynical at this point.
Ask them once - and if you have to chase - do what is best for you. At least if
they don't help there are less people to meddle. Once you invite them in unfortunately you are then stuck with the peanut gallery. IT IS AMAZING that my brother and sister had no REAL time for my parent and yet when that parent passed away they want to know all the details of her belongings and asetts. They are completely content with "you" doing all the day to day - but they will not want you to get one extra penny when your parent passes away. IT WILL TRULY AMAZE you when it happens. Best to know...Not everyone thinks the way you do. And, KEEP RECORDS. It is really a sad time in life when you have to face up to all your family's dysfunctions and realize that the parent who spent their whole lives loving their children will only be helped if it suits their children's schedules.

I received my answer to that question right here on this site. It was one simple sentence: Sometimes it is better to act like an only child than trying to get siblings involved. And it clicked for me. I was struggling trying to get my brothers involved in helping with my dad who has dementia. My mom is a wonderful caregiver, but she can't do it all. I have tried everything to get my brother's involved , all my time and all my energy. And nothing in return. So, now I keep the "act like an only child" mentality and put my mom and dad's needs first ... enjoy the memories and the blessings and know that I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing. And so thankful I'm able to be here and being able to help. And my brothers will have to be on their own journey in this situation. But if we don't take care of caregiver and ourselves (the one helping the caregiver) , we are missing out. Don't let the siblings take away from your joy of the situation. I just want to be an example and enjoy my journey and time with my dad. And be a blessing to my mom as she continues to be an amazing caregiver to my dad.

Seems this is a very comment complaint. One left with the responsibly the others glad its not them. Me, I have tried many years to have my sister help. You know, getting her hands dirty. I finally gave up in August 2012 (6 months). When I told her you have to come out. That was the last time she did. Mom gets the once a week 10 min phone call. Then I look at FB and see the bike rides and the time she spends with the husband and daughter.

I feel now that I am getting over it and have moved on. Take comfort that you are doing what is necessary and right.

Take care. When it gets tough, go outside and enjoy those few moments

I wish from the very beginning that I would have contacted the area agency on aging and took advantage of a case manager. Not sure of the cost, but at least it would have been an outsider saying "this is what to expect, this is what you will need, etc." Instead, I tried to be the manager, but as others have expressed, all I've gotten was their excuses, and the feeling that they are glad that they are not me. I definitely agree with what Castle posted about the changes in our culture regarding care of our parents.