What mistakes have you made in trying to get your siblings involved in caring for your parent?

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What would you do differently? Especially if you're the only one who lives nearby, you probably feel like you're shouldering the entire burden. What works and what doesn't to get the others to pull their weight?

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I could go on and on at what the POA has done wrong in my life and my Mom's life. But it wouldn't do any good to talk about it. She is just a strong willed child and she is right all the time and I am apparently wrong.
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I have 2 brothers in the transportation business. My 92 year old mother will not ask my brothers to take her anywhere. I have been her caregiver for the last 2 years, live the farthest away and work the most number of hours. I am also single and trying to take care of all the things necessary in daily life to survive. My one brother stopped talking to me the day he went to have his boat put in the water while I was trying to get my mother discharged from the hospital with pneumonia while she was experiencing some serious dementia issues. I e-mail my other brother and all he ever says is "ok." My sister live in the next state 1 1/2 hrs. away and she doesn't even visit. I have a very stressful job and am my wits end. I don't know what to do!
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I wish from the very beginning that I would have contacted the area agency on aging and took advantage of a case manager. Not sure of the cost, but at least it would have been an outsider saying "this is what to expect, this is what you will need, etc." Instead, I tried to be the manager, but as others have expressed, all I've gotten was their excuses, and the feeling that they are glad that they are not me. I definitely agree with what Castle posted about the changes in our culture regarding care of our parents.
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I received my answer to that question right here on this site. It was one simple sentence: Sometimes it is better to act like an only child than trying to get siblings involved. And it clicked for me. I was struggling trying to get my brothers involved in helping with my dad who has dementia. My mom is a wonderful caregiver, but she can't do it all. I have tried everything to get my brother's involved , all my time and all my energy. And nothing in return. So, now I keep the "act like an only child" mentality and put my mom and dad's needs first ... enjoy the memories and the blessings and know that I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing. And so thankful I'm able to be here and being able to help. And my brothers will have to be on their own journey in this situation. But if we don't take care of caregiver and ourselves (the one helping the caregiver) , we are missing out. Don't let the siblings take away from your joy of the situation. I just want to be an example and enjoy my journey and time with my dad. And be a blessing to my mom as she continues to be an amazing caregiver to my dad.
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I know many caregivers and there is a standard theme of where one does the work and the rest do some or have excuses it seems to be trend.

Today, I decided to communicate but I am not going to force or make them do anything. The reason is because once again today, I was reminded of why I do what I do. My husband and I take my mom out for shopping or siteseeing because it keeps her spirits high even when she is not remember much. This afternoon my sister that calls every 6 or so called today, it has been about a month, so we were surprised. Anyway, when they were talking mom was telling her about the yellow skirt we bought, our trip to the Alamo and her adventure to the State Capital. These are memories that I will treasure and have, they are priceless. So to me all of our adventures are worth the bad times and the time my husband and I do not get alone. So for me, this is how I keep things in perspective.
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Meant to say "BUT they will NOT want you to get one extra penny when your
parent passes away"...sorry for the mis-type
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Boy - all my answers would be cynical at this point.
Ask them once - and if you have to chase - do what is best for you. At least if
they don't help there are less people to meddle. Once you invite them in unfortunately you are then stuck with the peanut gallery. IT IS AMAZING that my brother and sister had no REAL time for my parent and yet when that parent passed away they want to know all the details of her belongings and asetts. They are completely content with "you" doing all the day to day - but they will not want you to get one extra penny when your parent passes away. IT WILL TRULY AMAZE you when it happens. Best to know...Not everyone thinks the way you do. And, KEEP RECORDS. It is really a sad time in life when you have to face up to all your family's dysfunctions and realize that the parent who spent their whole lives loving their children will only be helped if it suits their children's schedules.
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I think the MOST important thing is to do what is right for you. I wanted to be in my mom's life and care for her, so I did. I didn't resent the freedom my brother and sister had, because when I thought about it, I chose to be with my mom.

I learned that asking them to do things and being specific resulted in the miracle that I got exactly what I asked for. I didn't need them to be too involved, but I asked my sister to visit once a month and to cook and she did! The good news is that their terrible relationship was mended by the time my mom passed. I am so happy my sister had that opportunity and I got a weekend off every month.

After mom passed I told my brother to sit in the corner by the desk where my dad had kept a LIFETIME of papers. I asked my brother to clean that out. He asked the tax accountant for guidance on keeping and tossing paperwork and he spent 4 whole days working on it until every doc was shredded and I was left with two small drawers of papers.

So, the only thing I would have done differently is to think of really good questions to ask them.

The big mistake I have made recently is to tell them too much about the execution of the will. If I tell them a small step I've taken I am given TONS of suggestions (that I have already done!!). So, now I learned NOT to tell them anything until it is time for their participation in a decision or until something is complete or until I want them to handle something and I just turn it over to them... otherwise they cause complete chaos and everyone is an 'expert'.... a hugely disruptive expert.

Live and learn. Wish I had read the answers to this question before I made those mistakes. Thanks for asking!!
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The mistake I made was thinking that my sister cared about our parents. I now realize that people are guided by their emotions, and make time for things that are important to them. My sister visits our parents about four times a year (mostly on major holidays), yet she lives only 20 minutes away, does not work, and her two children are away at college. She calls them every few months. She has all the time in the world to visit our folks and help with doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, etc., but she does absolutely nothing, and never offers to help in any way whatsoever. She and I have had "words" about this, and she won't even acknowledge that she should help out. It's almost like an invasion of her privacy, to ask her to help out. Even if she just did grocery shopping once a month for our folks, that would be a heck of a lot of help. In addition, I am still undecided if I will be on speaking terms with my sister, when my parents are no longer around, as it has been a tremendous strain on me having a sister that has not even done the bare minimum.
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I asked! And was told without thought or hesitation, "you're Mom's favorite, you deal". Now that she's in a home, Sis feels guilty about having done nothing to help and now wants to be the hero who "saves" her by taking Mom to live with her. I told her to go ahead, if she could handle it. The only thing she's ever cared for was her dog. She is not ready for this. The nursing home Social Worker and nurse have flat out refused to allow this because of Mom's severe Dementia and Alzheimer's.
Really, I don't think there's anyway to make people do what, in their heart, they really don't want to.
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