MIL (93) went to Assisted Living in April. Usually very easy going but lately gets into ”rages” especially re: her possessions. Any advice?

Hello LucilletIn1 and welcome :)

I'm sorry you and the family and your MIL are going through this rough time. "Teething troubles," I hope, but all the same painful enough while they last.

Just a bit of background - so your mother moved in to her ALF only 2-3 months ago. Is the ALF in Georgia or New Jersey?

I'm glad that the family was able to work together on this, and I'm sure you did make the right decision not to attempt to care for her at home if it wasn't something you were confident and happy about taking on. Good for you for not rushing into it, and for not doing it in spite of your reservations! Many people fall into that pit.

So, anyway, here we are and MIL is not a happy bunny. First thing to say is - it is early days. She'll need time.

Second: what is she getting so upset about? It doesn't have to make sense, but what are her main grievances?

Third: you say she has some short term memory loss but no dementia. Your profile also mentions cancer, is that correct? What would you say are her main health issues?

Sorry for all the questions, but the better we understand the better our chances of suggesting anything useful.

Has she been checked for a UTI? Infections of any kind will completely change what are normal behaviors.

I agree that your MIL is in the middle of a difficult adjustment period and that can be difficult. She may also be experiencing a loss of control over her life, the loss of the independence she had prior to moving to the ALF. This too can be very difficult.

Give the situation some time, your MIL's moods may even out. There's not much you can do to facilitate the adjustment process, she just has to go through it. But you can try to help her feel as if she has more control over her life. Give her choices whenever you can, "Mom, do you want to come to dinner on Saturday or Sunday?" Or, "Should I pick you up at 9:30 a.m. or would you like a little more time to get ready?" Look for opportunities that give your MIL choices and if she decides she doesn't want to do something, allow her that for now. Help her regain some control back over her life.

She's "tired"

Short term memory loss is a sign of Dementia. Everything you posted sounds like a form of Dementia. Like said, her rages could be caused by a UTI. I would ask the RN on staff if they can test her.

If the facility can't test her, then get her to a doctor. UTIs are serious in the elderly. If Its a UTI, problem solved. If not, Mom needs a good physical. Labs especially.

I agree that UTI testing would be a good idea. When MIL gets really crazy, paranoid and argumentative in her thinking and behavior, especially if it seem to come on suddenly - it almost always is a UTI.

Just do your best to be gentle.

She he has suffered a lot of change and loss. Hear her out, agree with her, ask her follow-up questions to show her you are listening.

When she insults or screams, try to remain calm. Yelling (even yelling back) at the elderly is akin to yelling at a child.

My little aunt (92) has been a little out of sorts lately. She fired her weekday caregiver and hired her back immediately. She’s been turning the AC off. Sleeping in her recliner instead of going to bed. Refused a bath from a substitute bather!
So I called her HH nurse and requested a UTI check. Sure enough. She has an infection.
Get your MIL checked ASAP. Of course no one wants her to have a UTI but it’s a relief to have a reason for the acting out that you feel like you can actually do something about.
I know it’s not easy but try not to take anything personal.

The ALF is here in NJ. Mostly, she gets upset about her possessions....claims we “stole” them. We gave her many many choices about them previous to her move ... honestly, it is not surprising to me that she gets upset about possessions she was so attached to her ”stuff”
always.
I Know everyone is different but this one is especially difficult for me because I’m of the “ you can’t take it with you” group....I’m constantly purging my house ....but my husband’s family is all about “stuff.” So probably to be expected that she gets very upset about it.

Yes, she has an extremely slow growing lung cancer ....she is in nebulizer treatments but declined other treatments ( chemo, radiation, etc) We all were onboard w/ her decisions & support them completely.
She also has active DVT ( clots) behind both knees ....she has filters in both legs but is no longer on any anti-coagulant drugs.

I’m a retired nurse ( 40 years!) I keep
close eye on her health issues.
thank you 4 ur answer

In spite of the fact you say there is no dementia it sounds as though she needs a or another full assessment. That way you know if you can simply tell her to behave and stop being a brat, or if you have to work with the changes her behaviour is undergoing from an informed position.

My mother is 94, we hire in home caregivers for her, after a week she fires them as they are stealing from her. Same story, over and over again. I would say that your MIL needs another assessment, sounds like dementia.

When she gets ugly it is okay for you to say, "I will talk to you later when you have calmed down. "

If she doesn't have any dementia than setting boundaries with her is completely acceptable and I don't understand why people don't do it. What allows her to have the authority to climb your frame and tear you apart and you just take it. You wouldn't let a bratty child do it, why would you allow a bratty senior to do it?

Enough, please don't talk to me that way! Then you hang up if it continues.

Of course she is scared and confused and in a new environment with lung cancer but not all of her cherished stuff. She is probably angry and you should help her deal with her emotions instead of barfing them all over you. Get her a therapist or a friendly visitor that can help her adjust to her new reality.

You say your Mother inlaw doesn't have Dementia. I would question that as my mum had dementia. Your MIL sounds very like what my mum could have been like. There are things they can get to help calm them down. It would be worth looking into it. Good luck

Don’t listen to her. Say you won’t tolerate being talked to like that and that you have to go. I know she is old but you don’t deserve to be treated like that.

Ok, this is very hard to deal with. My husband use to do the same type of thing. If you know she isn't going anywhere or can actually do anything about you subject of argument. Just say I know, or ok. Maybe I'll look in to it. At this point trying to set things straight, only Exasperates the argument. Change the subject. It hard in our nature to agree with something when we know its wrong. But trust me your life will be so much better if you do. Her life will be as well. Hope this helps. Please don't take it all personally. Some elderly people just get this way. Especially if they have taken care of everything most their lives.

You mention that she gets especially upset about "her possessions". Are these her possessions that are at the facility with her, or other things that are not with her.?

My wife is about to come home after about 20 months in either a hospital or a SNF with rehab. Every time she went to the hospital (about 12 times, with admissions form 2 weeks to 6 weeks), her biggest concern was and is always "her stuff". Did the facility pack it up yet? Have you checked on it ? The little bit of "stuff" she has room for is her whole world, and she has become very possessive with her things. Little things that you would not think matter are very important to her.
She is 59, I'm 65. She has some memory problems, but not serious. I spend at least 2 hours a day with her, and up to 6 hours. I have missed maybe 15 days away from her during this whole time.

There isn't much you can do about her Rages, It is to be expected. I have been in the Healthare Industry for many years and I have seen it All, No Ball. Try and be Patient, When visiting, Try and calm hr down. Perhaps an Aid can assist in this. Perhaps only visit once a week, Eventually she may calm down. May not. Having dementia anything Under the Sun, Hun, Can Happen.....One never Knows.

Try to “Dodge the bricks.”

Also, national news has been reporting a link between anti-depressant pharma meds and extreme swings in behavior, rage, and dementia.

Does sound as if there may be dementia.
I had a terrible time with bad temper and behavior from my Father. Although he is in care facility it was terrible and upsetting. The doctor for the care home said he did not have dementia although agreed odd behavior. He took a stroke in January and was admitted to hospital. They did a brain scan. Found he had brain damage from 2 previous strokes. Areas affected caused the odd behavior. Once I knew this have found it easier to accept situation.
I just either agree. Say you are possibly right or I am not sure. This answers most and I feel much calmer. On his really bad days I suddenly remember an appointment or have to meet someone and leave. Takes a lot of practise but gets easier. Good luck

My spouse came at me with a cane. Her neurologist changed her meds, increasing a dosage a rehab had cut back on. Fine now, she has vascular dementia. Was scary till she stabilized. Good luck to you.

My mom seemed fine but began to get anger episodes 4 years before she was diagnosed with Alzheimers. My former nice neighbor, 90, also shocked me one day as I was at the mailbox, telling me she liked my new hair cut, but that it is too bad they can't do anything about my face! ( people always told me I have a pretty face). This shocked and hurt me, but I glossed over it during the conversation and kept it short. Not too long after, the neighbor was diagnosed with dementia. We expect adult behavior out of adults, and when these things happen they shock, confuse, and hurt us. I found the best thing to do is steer the subject matter away and keep conversation short, and take the insults with a huge grain of salt, it could be the beginnings of a disease talking, though some people are just plain mean.

This too shall pass. It's not about you or your husband, it's about her loss of control over her life and needing the assistance. She feels powerless. Guess you'd be mad, too?
I went through all this with my dad. I had to be the mean, bad, daughter, who put him in the independent living center, and my brother was the good guy, who finally was able to talk him into it! Three years later, he is now in a nursing home, and delusional most of the time. Let it go.

Moved MIL in my home, set a sitting room up for her when she want privacy with her own livingroom furniture. She had 92 years of stuff in her basement. She still laments the loss of her "stuff" I couldn't bring with.We filled a 20 yard dumpster with unusable items, not including all the yard sale/donate "stuff" older SIL took most larger expensive items for herself, another story all together.They "hoard" their items and it is hard for them to let go.As far as behavior, if she does not have dementia, call her on it.Reverse it and ask her why she feels its ok to treat you this way, what have you done to offend her so she thinks its ok to be mean and rude.Tell her you expect an answer.May change her tune.She's unhappy with her situation so you're going to be unhappy too.

Be strong my friend.
Double whammy is right, it is the lack of control most of the time. My Mom is still in her home with my Dad. They have 24/7 care. I do everything for them: grocery shopping, clothes shopping, paying their providers and their bills, doctor appts, meds.
At first it was difficult for her. She was in a rage everyday for months then she was better. Yep, that rage was directed at me. I'm evil and she lets everyone know it.
Something would trigger the fact that she was not in control and then here we go again.
It rattles my nerves sometimes, more than others times but That's the way it is. OUR NORMAL HAS BECAME DYSFUNCTIONAL. THAT'S OUR "NEW NORMAL".

It's a road we didn't ever expect but it's a road I know I don't walk alone. Many like me are on it with me and that makes me keep going.

BE STRONG MY FRIEND.

She is struggling say something like mom i am sorry mom can i call you back I have something on the stove. Dont take it personally call nurse or cna

Same with my mother as to her stuff. She and my stepfather were kind of hoarders, not like on tv but if chips were on sale , buy 10 bags, not 2. 8 were never eaten since they went on sale again and more were purchased. So when she was putting her house up for sale, said chips were 2 years past expiration and tossed. Same with the 6 or 7outdoor vinyl tablecloths no one had a table for etc. She said repeatedly take what we want but anything we took now she claims we stole ( she literally told my daughter to take one of the unused beds for her daughter who was moving out of her crib, told her which to take and was there when she moved it but now says she stole it , raving about it at least once a week ) . But now to her cleaning out her house is tantamount to murder in her eyes. Before she moved, my daughters and I tried to go thru stuff with her. She sat in a chair , we showed her an item, she told us she’d take it or to pack up what she wanted to store in our basements, or toss stuff she didn’t want. That was ok at the time but now I “stole all her stuff” . My brother and sister got a roll off and pitched stuff, I didn’t take part but still get the blame for it . My mother was not physically nor emotionally capable of cleaning out her house. So basically, unless it sat there and rotted , she wouldn’t have been happy.

when this first started( the pretty constant screaming and rage) I took her into a geriatric specialist to be evaluated for dementia. My otherwise calm, quiet stepfather had accused my sil of stealing just before he noticeably began Alzheimer’s behavior. At the time she was diagnosed with memory loss but not dementia. That was a little over 3 years ago and has moderate vascular dementia with behavioral changes now.

Consider that she is off of her meds. She may have not stopped completely, but with mild memory loss she may have become inconsistent with taking them. On a different tact you may want to report these "rages" her doctor. The doctor may want to adjust her dose, or refer her to a neurologist for some tests.

We are traveling this road together & it’s a blessing to have others to help support us during these hard transitions with our loved (and hard to love) ones.
Often it is helpful, as we go along our day, driving where we wish, eating what we want, sleeping or not - depending on OUR own choices, to see how much freedom our parents (and others) have lost. Dementia does often change not only personality but perspective on life as well. As with children, they may strike out at those closest to them - those they, on the deepest levels, trust to love them no matter what. The best reaction is often the hardest thing to do: DON’T take it personally, or try to explain or reason it out. You will only end up frustrated & make your elder more upset.
That said - violent rage can pose a danger to the elder & others. A doctor can prescribe something to help & it goes without saying that a violent person should be in a unit where caregivers are trained to deal with the behavior.

A lot of this is due to losing her independence as far as choosing when she wants to eat or bathe or whatever which is usually scheduled. They also know they will never go back home or wherever they considered home. I saw a lot of that at the nursing home when my mother was admitted due to being completely bedridden and needing 24/7 care. They feel helpless and have lost control and it is sad. Most will beg to go home. Mom’s roommate cried a lot. That lady had suffered a stroke and could not walk and you couldn’t understand a word she said and she would break down out of frustration and took it out on her daughter when she visited. Her daughter would get mad but as a bystander, I saw her mother go through those phases. She eventually had to accept it but she lost interest in putting on her makeup and looked sad wheeling herself up or down the hallway but this just can’t be helped. We all, myself included, have to remember this will be us one day unless the Lord takes us earlier. Just a fact of life and the adult children wear down and sometimes the visits are shorter. Some patients do very well after a while and I hope your Mom will be one of them. All the best to your entire family. It is not easy. Mom was there 4 years before she passed this past December.

You might want to consider having her go to a geri-psych ward in a hospital to have an anti-psychotic drug found for her that will calm her down without doping her up. When my friend, Beth, for whom I had POA refused to let staff clean her up after soiling herself, the head nurse told me to do this. It took 3 1/2 weeks there to find the right medication, dosage and time of day to administer it, but she was a happy camper ever after and could be worked with until she passed. I didn't know such places existed or that such drugs were available until the head nurse in the assisted living/memory care facility I had found for Beth clued me in. I was so grateful for the advice and guidance she gave me since I new nothing about age and dementia issues.

I never told Beth or her husband about going through all their things and clearing out their condo in order to sell it. I just did it. I saved all the family stuff--old photos, letters, etc.-- to send to family members. Furniture was given to native American community members or Bridging. Their bicycles and tools went to the kids next door.

Their apartment in the memory care facility was set up to look just like their bedroom and den in their condo, with the same furniture, pictures, etc. arranged the same way so it looked like home. Fortunately, it worked and they never asked about leaving.

Neither Beth or her husband could care for themselves and were not coming back. The sale proceeds went right to their checking account to help pay for their care.

Good luck with your efforts. Since my friends had no children or close relatives, my job was easier in not having to deal with them and their issues.
But it still took me 2 1/2 years to get everything taken care of and the place sold. I gave myself a big window of time, since I had my own life to lead, too, and didn't want a lot of extra pressure in taking on their care. And I didn't have to deal with rage or anger, thankfully.