MIL wants to "go home." Is she just being manipulative?

Your profile says that your MIL has dementia.

Folks with dementia do best with extreme consistency and sameness.

Given that your profile says that you and she NEVER got along, I'm wondering who thought her living with you was a good idea, and why anyone thought that you wouldn't have to completely change your lifestyle in order to accommodate her needs.

Can you re-think this plan?

With regard to being cold in 90 degree weather, my mom, when taken outside in 80-90 degree summer temps regularly wore her down parka and asked to be taken in after 15 minutes or so.

When she was able to control the thermostat, her room was like a sauna. Get her long underwear, a cap and warm socks, at least.

If your MILs dementia is not too advanced, then I believe she can indeed be manipulative and throw a fit in order to get her way. If she's always been that way, then dementia just takes that behavioral trait and worsens it, that's all. Before my mother's dementia got to the advanced stage, she too exhibited manipulative behavioral traits and anyone says otherwise didn't know the woman! I can write a book for all the tricks she pulled while her dementia was in full force, just not when it was in the advanced stage where she was too 'out of it' to be cunning.

If this were me, I'd tell MIL that she has a choice: she can either go into respite care in a local Assisted Living Facility (ALF) when you and DH go to your cabin, or, she can come with you for the ENTIRE LENGTH of the trip. Period. And, she can finance her respite stay in the ALF as well, naturally. If she likes it there, you'll help her move in permanently when you get back from the cabin. AL living/Memory Care living is not some dungeon like others make it out to be; it's a social outlet and form of autonomy for your MIL who can throw fits to her heart's content over there if she doesn't get her way. Because there will be no outings to nice cabins for weekend getaways that her son & his wife are nice enough to take her along on. I don't know how or why you're doing this anyway. Are you not entitled to some alone time, you and DH, without mother tagging along? You need and deserve regular getaways when caring for an elder with dementia, that much is 100% CERTAIN!

Honestly, look into respite care in a local ALF or Memory Care ALF and offer MIL that option each and every time you go to the cabin.

Best of luck.

Leave her with your brother in law when you go.

Have her stay with someone else, or respite care, no reason to take her. Why self-impose guilt on yourself? Guilt is a self-imposed emotion driven by fear, what are you afraid of? Not being the perfect DIL?

She has lived most of her life, doing as she wanted to, you need to consider doing this for yourself and your family, they are your priority, not her.

My mother is 97 and is the queen of manipulation, I am onto her though, no workie with me.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I do have her in a winter coat on the porch when she requires it. She always wear a knit hat. The reason she came to us is her son with whom she was living ( he is away 5 days a week) does not want her in a nursing home was not taking care of her. He will take her back to rot in her own feces without a thought that this is gross, unhealthy, or unacceptable. I could not leave her there in that condition. After rehab at home she was referred to hospice at home which requires you to sign that she is under 24 hour care The cost of 24 hour at home aid is beyond our means. When I say cabin I mean the place the Beverly Hillbillies moved out of(Not really, it has all amenities including indoor plumbing but nothing fancy. I had just started respite arrangements which we no cost 5 days a month with hospice when they discharged her because she has plateaued.(And they want her bed, wheel chair and commode back). But I am glad to be done with hospice as I could not even go to the store. For now when we are in town she will go to adult daycare which our county offers free if they attend two or more days a week. Day care here we come. I guess needed to know if she is aware of her manipulation. I probably did know but wanted assurance and to vent.

Older folk, especially with dementia want routine. And the same home.

Find a respite home for her to spend time in. Won't be every weekend - usually 2 - 4 week stints.

This may be the compromise; You visit the cabin less, but on your own, for a real break. Mom has a known regular place to go, with care included.

Let me ask you a few questions.

1.) Do you like your MIL, before her illness, throughout all the years you’ve been married to DH?

2.) Has she always treated you with love and respect?

3.) Has she always been nice or cordial with you throughout the years?

4.) Has she always spoken about you kindly to others?

If you answered no to one or more of these questions, I would find another living situation with her immediately.

I may be disgruntled because I have had a terrible relationship with my MIL upon meeting my DH 33 years ago. I wouldn’t even entertain taking care of her. I have a daughter from my first marriage, very young married at 22 and divorced by 28. I met my DH at 30, remarried at 33. My DH knows I would leave before ever letting MIL live with us. Never was and never will be an option.

I have a behavioral perspective from raising unique neurology kiddos. So, when MIL or FIL exhibit a behavior, I try to determine the purpose of that complex social behavior. Is it attention or avoidance, expressing discomfort - emotionally and/or physically or control? Those are the most common reasons for adverse social behaviors. Even if she WANTS to go and enjoy the cabin, that doesn't mean she is able to any longer because of the severe discomfort people with dementia experience when away from familiar surroundings. With kiddos, exposure therapy tends to work on their nervous system to get them comfortable - like a frog in a slowly boiling pot of water. Unfortunately, with dementia, the reverse is true. There are no more neurons being created, joins being made. The opposite is true. There is no more "learning" to get comfortable. Once the stage of dementia progresses, this may change or it may not. MIL and FIL live with us, too. Even with a really good relationship before this time in their lives and our new role, there are surprises in how we must adapt and be flexible since they can no longer do that. There are hard choices like the one you face or our most recent one: can we live with Dad peeing outside of the toilet in the house sometimes and the progression that comes after that? It's a matter of comfort for everyone. It doesn't make for any good choices when memory care is not covered until it is severe and requires skilled nursing so the alternatives to co-habitation when there is not a TON of financial resources are not really present. Maybe your brother who travels 5 days/week will come and stay at your house with Mom sometimes? In a nutshell, she can be manipulative in the behaviors just like a toddler can be, BUT those behaviors are still serving a need for her(and them). Unlike a toddler, it is unlikely she can learn an alternative behavior at this point in time. Hugs and strength to you and yours.

Dementia makes people go back to their childhood years. She is not herself obviously. You know that. She can't help how she is acting... She thinks she's a child in certain situations. It's frustrating I know all too well.... Maybe you just can't take her and make arrangements if possible for someone to care for her she likes while you all enjoy that time. But I wouldn't use the words manipulative and cunning while having dementia. That disease does terrible things to a persons mind. There's nothing sane about the behavior. I hope you can find some way to enjoy your time away and get her proper care so she's comfortable. She's in a different place with different surroundings. That's unfortunately something that can happen with dementia. I hope you can find a way to keep her happy and you happy at the same time. Good Luck.

I do believe the answer is yes and I look forward to how others respond

Yes, they can be manipulative in the earlier stages of dementia. As the disease progresses, it is easier to detect the manipulation. But I don’t think she’s manipulating you about the cold.

What is the temperature in your sweltering home? I think she really is cold at your 2nd home. My Mom wore a sweater or sweatshirt over her T-shirt all the time AND her condo was 85 degrees and it’s humid here. With her thin skin, she had no insulation. It also turns out that she has circulation issues, even more now. She could sit in a hot car with sweater and not even sweat! She was comfortable!

Do you run the air conditioner in your car as you drive between the homes? She could be getting so cold in the car that her body cannot get warm once she gets there. I generally only ran the air to my feet, because any cool air to my Mom chest or face made her very cold.

I would suggest that you dress her more warmly. Try for long pants (doesn’t have to be thick, just something to not let her legs be exposed), and a sweatshirt or jacket. I would put her into those clothes before she leaves your house so that the clothes have time to warm up, before the ride. Then see what happens.

I personally find it very hard to warm up, once I pass a certain threshold of cold. Perhaps that is what is happening to her.

My dad just passed from Alzheimer’s we took care of him at home, at the end he always wanted to go home and he was home, In is mind he was younger so maybe he was unfamiliar at that moment! This disease is the worst it’s cruel it’s hard on everybody ! Your doing great hang in their!

With all due respect, this reads like a young married couple who has a baby then is surprised to find they can't do everything they once could because the baby has needs that don't jive with that lifestyle.

You have a 96-year-old infant. Just as an infant doesn't manipulate the parents but is just trying to get its basic needs met, I doubt your MIL with dementia is being terribly manipulative intentionally. To paraphrase, just because it walks like a competent adult and talks like a competent adult doesn't mean it IS a competent adult.

No, you don't leave her in the care of the brother who is incompetent to take proper care of her, so you find someone to come in and stay with her while you're away -- a "babysitter" if you will. Babies need consistent routines, feedings, and sleep schedules and get cranky in unfamiliar surroundings. So, too, do dementia patients, so you need to provide consistency for MIL. That does not include "we consistently leave town on Thursday and come back on Sunday." The demented mind does not process new surroundings well, nor does it remember other surroundings for long. You're doing the equivalent of making MIL move twice a week as far as she perceives.

If you're spending more time/money/effort finding someone else to "parent/babysit" MIL than doing the job yourself, then perhaps you need to find a better place for her to live where she can stay day in and day out with a predictable routine. You and your husband can go to and fro without worrying about her, and she won't be so addled from being packed up and moved constantly.

Could it be at the cabin, she is more secluded from visitors or outings?

Could definitely be that she just wants what she wants like a kid would do. Once she gets her way, she's happy as a clam? She is aware that pouting, throwing a fit will work. That's probably not dementia.

I would have a talk with her about how we all have to give a little to make the living arrangement work. She gets to be at home 3 out of 7 days of the week in the summer. And 5 out of 7 days in the winter. You want to keep her living with you and you want to be able to live. You don't plan to sell the cabin or not use it regularly - that part won't change.

Offer a plug in heating blanket to use in whatever room she happens to be sitting in while at the vacation home. Explain that you/hubs are reaching your retirement years and this cabin thing is what both of you want and will be continuing to enjoy. If she has enough money of her own to pay for 24/7 care while ya'll are gone, then tell her that is an option for her. Another option is to look at facility care if she would be more comfortable where she never had to do any outings. And the last option is to enjoy the cabin with you and hubs. Let her think on that a while. - Have a solution for any of her complaints prepared; cold? will bring blankets, etc.

dilktgora: Yes, she is being manipulative; she suffers from dementia. Perhaps she would be better suited for managed care facility living as her dementia progresses.

When my Mom gets upset or feels threatened her MO/Defense has always been to Attack, Attack & Attack. Growing up she knew my 'BUTTONS' and pushed them anytime and every time. Just what she did. She'd say anything to you & did not care if it hurt my feelings or anyone else's for that matter. Just how her make-up delt with being threatened. It was always the same, the MO never ever changed. When the younger me realized this my first reaction was -- Oh crap, here it comes again.

I use to tell her, you think you know me. I know you, I've watched you get upset for 20/30/40/50 years Mom. Nothing ever changes. You react the same way ALWAYS. ------ Oh damn did she dislike someone actually knowing her MO. Of course, she'd never admit she knew I knew.
She really disliked it what I told her, what you do when you are mad is outright verbal abuse of your child. Her first reaction always: IT IS NOT.
My response always is -- Sorry, but it doesn't make any difference what you think my reaction to you should be this is what it's going to be so get use to it for my reaction to your crap ain't never changing.
______________ I GOT YOUR NUMBER.
Now this is hard on you folks that have never completely stood up to your parents and called a shovel a Spade. I'd tell her point blank..
Mom, you can stand there in total defiance all you want to and give me that 'LOOK' all you want to. I've seen it a 1000 times so understand it doesn't work on my any more. She loved to Mock my younger self. Use to get under my skin till I told her --- you know, if you realized how funny you look trying to mock me you'd stop. Your not very good at it. That was like pouring gas on a fire. But it was my only defense. Every time she did it to my younger self I wanted her to know my INSTANT REACTION was always going to be the same. Mom, you think you know my buttons. Darlin' I know your buttons and I'm going to push them every time you pull this crap. It's always going to be the same outcome. What you don't realize is when you start this crap you are invading my space. You do not have the right to deliberately invade my space and I DO NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO DO SO. You pull this crap and my instant reaction is I'm going to attack and attack you right back & then I'm going to walk away regardless of what you do or say. So now you know what's always coming back at you so if you choose to go there count your blessings.
I was 15 when we had that come to Jesus meeting.

What some of you don't grasp is Dementia effects their short term memory. This is the part I truly dislike for I can't have a normal conversation with Mom and she remember it tomorrow or later in the day. Damn shame but it is what it is. But don't think for a second your parents LONG TERM MEMORY is effected by dementia. IT'S NOT. They remember quite well 20/30 years back and will try your patience. Try to push your buttons they remember worked for them before.
My reactions to what she does is instant. I do not give a cotton picking inch regardless of Mom's mental state today. She goes back to her old self/I go back for I know she hates it. She has no defense for my reactions. Is is cruel to do that to her. You damn Skippy it is. But she won't remember it tomorrow and it stops it today which keeps my sanity. I'm dealing with a 'child that is 99 years old'. I treat that child like the child she is I do not let her get away with anything. The old saying. Give an inch they will take a mile.
---------- Truer words were never spoken. I'm 71. I established my boundaries when I was 15. That line I will not let her cross then or now.
If you have not got the balls to set those boundaries for yourself toward your parents then live with the consequences of your actions.
----------------- FROM THE CHEAP SEATS.

How many times has this happened?

After the first time, what was discussed with her about her wrecking the long weekend, and what did she say about it, and even more to the point what did you and she agree about next time?

Is it just the temperature she complains of, or are there other things she can't cope with at the summer home? - insects, different bed, different bathroom, different routine..?

I hope it's soluble, but if it isn't you can't have your whole summer bulldozed. Any respite care options near your (year-round) home?

Everybody can be manipulative. I suggest finding a respite care provider who can care for her in your home while you get a little "away time."

I would find a caregiver to stay at your house with her, with her paying for it. Or see what the scoop is on respite care at some local facilities. Might be a minimum number of nights or something and maybe string together a week or two so you can do 2 long weekends on one respite stay. Or do a full week there and then skip a week or two.

If she's cold, she needs to dress properly which means you need to make sure she has the proper clothing. She may actually be cold, or remembering being cold some previous time at the cabin or using this as an excuse for going "home". Regardless, get her warm socks on and slippers, heavy sweater over her shirt, warm hat, ,etc. No matter how excessive it seems, do it.

You can try to talk to her about her choices - come to the cabin and not complain (LOL), caregiver at home, stay at a facility - BUT the choice is really yours.

Has she started adult daycare yet? I wish we lived closer to one - but it's half an hour away and just challenging since I'm babysitting for grandkids. A home caregiver is working out really well for us. Hmm, if you get an aid for some hours during the week, would there be room to take them to the cabin to help with MIL too? Just brainstorming. There has to be some good solutions here.

Best of luck.