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I am a working full time mom of 3 kids who are very active in multiple travel sports. I live in my car basically. My husband works in multiple ERs so he has crazy hours and sometimes travels for a couple of days at a time. He is one of 9 kids, 2 being out of state. My MIL was not ready for a nursing home but couldn't live alone in a big house anymore after FIL passed a few years back. Family meetings among 9 siblings have come to a decision she would live with us until she is ready for the next step. (She is diabetic, losing her hearing, bad eye sight, she loves sweets and wine and bread and has an appetite of 2 grown men) I agreed to her moving in because we have an in-law suite downstairs. There were discussions that she would pay "rent" of a flat amount per month to save her from $3,500-4,600 a month in costs with assisted living/nursing homes. I was told $1,500 to cover expenses. Well almost 9 months later, not a dime has come to us. One BIL said $500 a month. Others laughed saying they will send their kids over to live with us for that amount. (such an insult). Other BIL says for me to gather expenses before and after to show the increase. I don't have time for that to dig up old bills and why am I the one doing the work to justify taking care of someone else's mom? I am good with her moving out after realizing how much work it really is. She is a lot more dependent than I thought. she makes more of a mess than being helpful. I am the one around her 99% of the time. We pay for everything. She is on our cell bill, she leaves all lights on, is wasteful with so much items like dish soap and paper towels uses 3-4 a day as coasters, eats SOOO much food which she doesn't prepare any meals, sometimes gets picky with her veggies, wants a salad with each meal, wants to be taken out often to eat and doesn't pay, won't eat leftovers despite saving every crumb, wants wine often (and in front of my kids!), sneaks their snacks and hides cookies around the house. I can go on and on about how all of a sudden I have a 4th dependent child on my hands. She interrupts me all day with 100 questions, wakes me up in the middle of the night bc her meter is going off. All these little things are taking a toll on me mentally and it is more annoying and frustrating. She also fights with my youngest over the remote (he is 9). she watches TV all day full blast but can't give it up for a show or two when he gets home before he heads out to practice. She doesn't go to her bed at a decent time, wants to stay up to the very last moment until we go to bed, so we don't have any alone time. So I am getting resentful that I feel like at this point if someone is going to live here and in my face 24/7 eating all my food and racking up the bills, I should be collecting rent from a stranger. I feel like I am being taken advantage of and my husband is too nice tiptoeing around to ask for the money. I want it retro too. I am the one dealing with everything all hours of the day on top of regular stresses of work and 3 kids. Oh and she asks to tag along everywhere when i go to drop them off somewhere, my only alone time with a little CD book to unwind. When we go to parties or away to the beach we always bring her, not one person offers to bring her with their family. (they were quick to help her move out and get stuff they wanted though). one lives 5 minutes down the road and you would think she would be there for dinner once a week/month?! I don't think anyone really understands how much it takes. Or maybe they do and that is why her own kids didn't volunteer. 1) I need to figure out what is reasonable amount and 2) how to ask for it. 3) I think I am ready for her to move on but we are looking at 6-9 month waiting list now. she is a "nice" lady not manipulative or malicious but she pays 4 others IF they take her out yet here we are doing all the work and she won't pay for her own groceries. I want some of my space back. I would love to watch TV alone too.

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Have you even read your own post? Do so! And ask yourself just what kind of fool you have been, to put up with all that nonsense. Some people love being martyrs.
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What is happening with her finances? Who controls that?

None of you should be paying for her care. She should be paying for her care out of her own money. And unfortunately, yes, that means more work for you because you need to figure out how much it is costing you to keep her in your house and charge her for it.

I totally get how needy your Mom is. My Mom was similar. My sister, when she visited, used to hide from my Mom. My Mom would even talk to my sister while she was in the bathroom.

So in summary, I think you need to come up with a bill for expenses and whoever is in charge of your Mom's money, should pay you out of Mom's accounts. In addition, the siblings need to decide their Mom's future. Assume that the next move will be to MC or AL, not a nursing home. Start cleaning out her home, putting up her home for sale or rent, and get started on all the tests and vaccinations needed to move her into MC or AL.

Either way, you need to make it be known that living in your house is not a long term option and might even no longer be a short term option.
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Does YOUR mom or dad live nearby, or could they come to visit? Just for fun, tell everyone, she's moving in and they have to share the space. See how that goes over.
We're coming up against something similar with my brother soon. So far the sharing with sisters has gone well. We hope to keep that going. Be strong, sister.
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Oneofnine, any new plans planted or taking seed yet?
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Remember the wonderful old play, “The Man Who Came to Dinner”? Oh, wow, OP, you have been sooooo played for a sucker, and you and ONLY you were the one to bring it right smack dab on yourself.

How often do these exact same stories, and the responses, have to repeat and repeat on this site, before people get the da*n message: get all financial arrangements in writing up front, get those arrangements notarized, and do NOT move ANY difficult, cranky, manipulative old person into your house…just, no. Especially an in-law.
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Mail an invoice to the POA. Send a cover note that future expenses will be mailed monthly.


Get paid for the 7 months that are in arrears.
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Your senior is not being a team player neither are the other family members. Start looking into assisted living options for her and move her there soon. Otherwise, pack her up and send her to another sibling to care for her for 9 months at their own expense.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
I feel badly for this OP.

It’s so common for one child to care for a parent, no matter how many siblings they have.

Rarely are the caregiving responsibilities divided equally.

It isn’t always practical to be able to divide things up equally. Everyone has different work schedules and so on.

Only children feel alone but it’s just as bad or maybe even worse to feel alone when a person has siblings.
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You are worthy of being treated fairly.

The good news is that you can still turn things around no matter what has happened in the past.

Have an honest conversation with your husband. Tell him that this situation isn’t what you anticipated and that he needs to tell his mom that she hasn’t lived up to the original agreement.

Let them work out the details on what is fair compensation for the time that she has spent in your home.

It’s imperative that you are honest with your husband and tell him that his mom is more trouble than you anticipated and you would prefer that she lives elsewhere.

You owe this to yourself, your children and your husband. As you said, you spend the most time with her, so you have caught the brunt of everything.

You’re understandably frustrated and this will undoubtedly have a ripple effect on the entire household.

Don’t allow this to continue for much longer. Set a date for her to move out and do everything possible to make sure she’s packed up and ready to leave at that point.

If any of your in-laws complain, tell them that they are welcome to come and pick their mom up anytime! Or say that you will save them a trip and you will be happy to drop her off at their house.
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It sounds like you've already asked the family to contribute as promised but that's going nowhere so perhaps you can seriously ask one of the other siblings to take over her care. If that's not possible then put her on a wait list for seniors housing right away. While she is living with you, you need to be honest about your need for time alone with your spouse and kids. Perhaps she can buy her own tv to be set up in her own space. Even if you were receiving the agreed upon $1500 p/month, you would still be resentful and unhappy because she has taken over your home and your life. This is the real issue, not the money.
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oneofnine1of9: Give MIL a bill with an amount due by xx date. Have an elder law attorney on retainer when and if she doesn't pay the amount IN FULL by the stated date. Take control and refuse to be used. The fact that you're a full time working mother of three, who of course engage in travel sports is evident that your plate is overflowing and then some. MIL's blood sugars must be through the roof with the consumption of food - "has an appetite of 2 grown men," sweets and wine. SHE'LL have to get herself to her physician.
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A few things ..I feel for you , your husband and mostly your kids. Other than arguing over the remote , do your kids have a good relationship with their grandmother? When I was young, my Dad’s mom lived with us. It was terrible. In what is the large part of what I can remember of my childhood she was there and I have mostly bad memories of that. Also, I know it affected my parents relationship as well as theirs with us kids.
Get your money..and I’d say try to find out what she’d pay for something similar - like a board and care home. Also, if you provide any care include stipend for that. As for an accounting - well this past year is probly a good time for you to compare bills since prices have risen so much. So if you just take grocery bill then and now, utility same, also charges if you need to take her to doctor for time and for mileage. Don’t sacrifice your funds . If anyone of them complains then tell them they can do it instead ..after you get your back payments. If her suite contains just a bedroom and bath , I can understand she can’t stay there all day, but there should be some standard of privacy. She should have her own tv there ( her $ to run cable lines and buy tv) and have rules like ..she goes there in afternoons so 9 y/o gets his remote and also when she is to retire to her room at night so you have family and spousal time. There should also be something set and agreed to for others to take her both for weekly , monthly and annual respite for you. At least once a week someone takes her for an evening and for one day on the weekend. Each sibling needs to do this. And the two who live out of town take for a week each for your vacation time . And stick to it ! If there’s any balking then it’s off to AL for mil.
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Wow! This sounds so stressful. Your husband should be taking up for u. I would seriously talk to my husband. Let him know it’s just too much. It sounds like if u did receive the money u would be ok. If it’s more than that I would really speak to him and request he does something. If not while he’s there I would leave him with her so he could take care of her or someone else if not it sounds like she can take care of herself she stay I. Her own please and hire a care provider that’s less than the amount to stay in a nursing place. Whomever, is her POA there spending her money. I would send a certified letter stating what my husband and I requested just in case I have to show proof to the courts. I pray everything works out.
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Circumstance: MIL moved in.

"I feel like I am being taken advantage of.."

Quite valid feelings. You are.

".. and my husband is too nice tiptoeing around to ask for the money".

So you already see the problem.

I'll read all the replies now - hopefully many will already have some great tips on how to turn this ship around.
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My experience, it’s harder to set boundaries once broken. 9 months isn’t a ton of time to backtrack on, but it will still take some work.

You get more with sugar than you do with salt. My suggestions would always to be nice and polite. “It’s been 9 months of Mom living here and we have not received any payment that was previously discussed. We would like back payment for the 9 months and xyz amount moving forward”

If your BIL and SIL can’t come to an agreement on this, why should you and your family be walked all over?

We tolerate in our lives what we think we deserve. No one can change that but you.
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I don't get why she isn't living in the in-law appt.. is it fully functional? If so you and your 9 yr old son wouldn't have so much time with her, she'd have her own tv, remote, and god forbid wine and paper towels! Sorry but you wouldn't have be to nitpicking what she eats or drinks or how many paper towels she uses if you enforced the original agreement. It would then be none of your business. If you can't or won't and MIL has no idea, whose fault is that? Yours and/or husbands.
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RBIndiana Jan 2023
Unless you’re in the same situation as this woman and her family, which I am, never use the word nitpicking. Anytime you have someone sharing your space and things, even the so-called little things in a continual basis it can be annoying, especially after 9 mos of it…my husband and I are going on 4 yrs of it!
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I stopped reading at “I agreed to have her move in…”

RIGHT there is where you, my dear, made yout fatal mistake. The rest of your tale of woe-is-me is pure blather, and the ones who need to read it are the other siblings. But they are merrily on their way, and YOU are stuck.

When will people learn? Don’t get involved before EVERYTHING is down in writing, notarized, signed by all involved? Sheesh.
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pleasegodhelp Jan 2023
It was a compassionate response for a loved one in need. Stop shaming compassionate people who do the right thing. Pray one of them is around when you're the person in need of some kindness and support.
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My advice to you would be to speak plainly indeed to whoever is the financial POA for your MIL. Tell them in no uncertain terms that unless the unanimously agreed upon rent and expenses get paid this month (on a day you set) along with a lump sum payment for the back rent and expenses for the last nine months, their mother (your MIL) will be evicted from your home. You will also get her POA in serious trouble for not doing their duty to pay her bills.
Make your meaning very plain that you will have no problem going down to the court house and filing the papers for eviction if you don't get your money.
Your husband's siblings are taking blantant advantage of your kindness and hospitality. So is his mother.
You get your money. If you want to know how much is reasonable to ask for think of it like this. MIL is basically getting the same serivices an assisted living facility offers only no doubt the quality is better at your place. Her ENTIRE monthly income is reasonable with a subtraction of a weekly allowance she can keep that will be determined by you.
Then have an honest talk with your husband. Clearly you don't want her living with you and none have any right to criticize you for it.
If none of her kids will take her in, she has to go into assisted living.
Stop letting these people take advantage of you.
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Oneofnin1of9 - I am sorry that you and your husband and your kids are in this predicament. As you can see from other replies, tough love is the next right step. Your life and your kids and your family need to come first. The negative impacts of MIL's presence will cast a long shadow, I'm afraid.
First you and your husband need a couple of serious conversations. If he is avoiding this please make an appt with a social worker who can help with these conversations. No matter how busy he is at work - if it was needed for an issue with one of your kids, I bet he'd make the time. This is to talk about the future of your nuclear family.
Mom needs to move to AL now. So she can grow older there. No matter the costs. She needs help with personal care, toileting, socialization. Her difficulties with social interaction may be life long, or signs of brain changes that portend continued decline.
Mom's assets and bills need to be reviewed with an elder law attorney who does Medicaid applications in your state. The state specific details in Medicaid and the programs available can help her in future, but you need to be sure her assets are all accounted for so that none of the 9 has to pay for her care in the future. Son with POA for finance and your husband ought to do this together.
You may end up being seen as the 'stinker' who threw Mom out. Unless your husband is saying this, just ignore it. 8 will be very unhappy at any changes, and I think if anyone was willing to do anything for mom, it would have happened by now. No more promises to help out. Mom needs to move to ALF, within the next 3 months.
Consult a real estate attorney to help you with eviction process, if everyone is throwing accusations, insults, and excuses. Your goal is that in 90 days Mom will be living in a place that meets her needs more effectively, and provides her with meals, socialization, activities, and outings that you cannot manage. You work and have kids and a house to run.
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You should have been yelling and screaming for the rent the first month she was there and taken a deposit; that was your first mistake. Now its the norm so they don't care;
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2023
Absolutely right, rotnkiley.
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start collecting from the state for her care which will come out of inheritance; i know in california they have a program where if your elderly need care they will pay the family; tell the family it will come out of estate if she has anything; no big lump for each of them if they aren't helping; or ship her to another sibling; saying you have done your part now its there turn; drop her off at their door with a suit case; or at least threaten; especially if there was a family meeting and assistance was agreed upon;
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My ‘lawyer’ advice is to give her a bill for the total of the $1500 payments that haven’t been paid. Plus anything else that she was supposed to pay, like food. Give the bill to her, and copies to siblings - or put all their names on the bill if it isn't clear that MIL was part of the deal. Then start legal proceedings as soon as the shrieks die down, unless things change immediately.

Even if the agreement wasn’t in writing, they will all have to lie if they are required to give evidence, and unless that goes down well with the court, that is sufficient proof of the contract. With the bill copies, tell them that they will all get subpoenas to give evidence if it goes to court.

Even if you don’t go through with this all the way (and perhaps you should anyway), it makes things crystal clear very quickly.

Don’t muck about with this! Say 'Sorry, but I can't think of any oher way to get this settled'!
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either call or gather the other adult kids and just tell them you are done, and who is next in line to take her. You also need to be upfront with her about boundaries, eg: bills, alone time, cleaning and feeding herself and most importantly the rent. Tell her you all love her but it's not working as it is currently and all of this is adding to your finances in a negative way. If the other kids don't step up in some way either financially or by taking her for short periods of time or to events or holidays just tell them you won't have it anymore and them them to figure out with whom she is going to live with. Be firm with them and tell them she's their mother, not yours.
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She needs AL. You say she is more work than you thought. If agreement was made for $1500 then either pay up or eviction. Threaten with Sheriff but you need to follow through. I did and my brother left. He never spoke to me again but money usually separates people even with an agreement. All I wanted was his fair share and thats what you want.
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"This arrangement is not working out. Mom will need to move out by March 1st."
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If AL at over $3500 was an option, then she can easily afford to pay $1500 rent. It was an agreed to price, not 'depending' on the bills you pay at your house. You can bet the vultures will come picking for their share of the leftover bank account should she pass tomorrow.

If you don't have a written contract for the rent, you best start with that. Get an atty to draw it up so there's no loopholes. If you even have texts that establish the original amount of rent, that might help to draw out the rent not paid yet. The longer you let that go, the less likely you are to get it.

If you get the rent, sounds like she would still have excess of at least $2K per month. If she needs some additional help, toss that towards some in-home help for her (as needs grow).

If all the kids got together to create this living arrangement, they should be able to come together for an update. Mom needs visitors so she can have a life that is a little separated from you in regard to socializing. Mom likes to get out and they need to step up and do some of the taking her places. She's a great lady, but you need a little space with their help. And if mom is all together mentally, it's time to just let her know that the price of everything has gone up - collect her check at the first of each month. As for her phone, why not just move it into her name so she is paying her own phone bill? Could come right out of her checking acct each month.

First thing, however, is hubby needs to be on board with sibling communication and collecting the rent from mom. If he won't back you, then you won't make this any better.
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Learn the word “NO” say it loud and frequently 😃.
Ive been a people pleaser all my life and was constantly being used by family and friends. I have since learned to say no flat out with no excuses or reasons….just no.
It’s difficult, but my life has been much more peaceful since. I had a brilliant therapist 👍😉
You are a wonderful, kind person. Be good to yourself first because you so deserve it 🤗🤗🤗
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Find an attorney and make sure you can pay them with HER credit card. You're in deep doo-doo here.
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Your obligations are to your own children and your own family. Time for MIL to find ALF now. When her funds are used up and her assets gone you can assist her in seeking medicaid and whatever housing that will provide to her. It is clear now that the siblings do not intend to contribute, so it is a waste of your mental resources to continue to pursue that. Reality can truly be harsh and it is in this case, but it IS reality. I wish you the best.
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She was to live in an apartment separate from your house or downstairs from your family? That doesn't seem to have happened. First step is to collect the rent you want from the POA sibling. Next step is to make it clear that she lives in her space, not yours. Third, you hire from her money a home caregiver to come in at least 3 days a week to clean her apartment, shop, cook, be a companion, whatever she needs. Let her and the entire family know that you are overwhelmed with this responsibility. You don't like her in your space for reasons you've expressed here. She is terrible at self care and you don't have time to care for her. It's your space. You have a right to make demands. As long as you let her live there free of cost and to hang out with you, she will think that is what you are happy with. If the home caregiver ends up costing as much as assisted living would cost, then she may as well move to a facility. She might actually be happier there.
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Why is MIL eating & watching TV in your house? You said there is a MIL apartment downstairs. She should be living there.
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babsjvd Jan 2023
That was my question..
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