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She became upset when my children (daughter and SIL) and 3 grandkids came over to visit. We see them often. Oh did I mention my husband and I live with MIL. She also has dementia not sure what stage. I am also her full time caregiver for the last 3 years. Well she became upset while they where here and refused dinner that night and refused all meals the next day and we are now on the second day and refused breakfast. She is a diabetic diet controlled. I know people think people with dementia will forget why they had the outburst but this woman can hold a grudge. My husband said I should tell her he's having her put in the hospital. Any advice?

Never be afraid to ask for the "warm" blankets that are heated if she gets cold. ER is always cold.
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Reply to MAYDAY
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UTI's can scramble a body and brain VERY QUICKLY. I'm late on this post. Get her in now, ask questions later. You don't need to tell Mom nothing. Hubby can explain situation to her while in emergency.. He will have plenty of time to talk and catch up on things.

Have him pack his cell phone, charger, jacket, change of clothes for her and diapers if needed, snacks for him, bottles of water, a magazine or book. Have fun in ER, but they will find the issues and UTI if it's there. And her favorite blanket, it can get cold and a familiar blanket always makes er more comfy.

Pack hubby a bag for the er visit, it helps...
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Reply to MAYDAY
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First of all, Your husband's MOM>!! YOUR MIL. Your husband needs to tell her, NOT YOU.

You are doing enough, time for hubby to take mom to hospital if that is what needs to be done.. He needs to patiently step in, take her to hospital. If she is not eating, or drinking she could have UTI. Have him call doctor for advice. Take her to hospital or make an appointment? Urgent Care usually will not take elderly people, well, not in my case, they always sent me hospital.

Again Husband needs to tell Mom. Period.
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Reply to MAYDAY
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Take her to the hospital stat ..she needs the fluids and maybe have a uti ..do it now please call 911
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Reply to ohmeowzer
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She's setting herself up for a host of problems including dehydration, electrolyte imbalance, and hypoglycemia which will eventually lead to hyperglycemia when she does eat. This is dangerous. If she is a danger to herself then you need to consider a PMCU, psychiatric medical care unit. If she continues to represent a danger to herself they will 302 her for her own good. Then they may use a peg tube, fliuid and electrolyte replacement, psych medication, etc. I guarantee she won't like it. May be enough for a compliance cure.
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Reply to anonymous840695
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It’s time for you to tell absentee hubby that you’re done. MIL needs to go. For heaven’s sake, if you can’t even enjoy your grandchildren in your own home, that’s awful.

My mother had the potential to be like that too. If the attention was off her for any length of time, she got snarky and pure D nasty. When she began to make noise about moving in with me, I put the end to that real fast.

You pretty much sealed your fate when you agreed to become her caregiver without really knowing her. Why did you? Well, it’s time to unseal it, plant your foot up your husband’s backside and tell him you’re researching facilities for her. Enlist the help of her doctor. If she winds up in the ER, refuse to bring her home and tell the social, worker why. Mention do-nothing hubby and your own burnout. Hopefully someone has POA for her.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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This whole situation isn't fair to you. His means of coping with her are ignoring her as much as he's able. She's been difficult her whole life, probably.

An idea: maybe she is not eating out of spite, anger or control? My grandmother did this when she was in a NH to recover from a broken hip. In her 90s, she didn't have dementia, but not stable emotionally. She lost 30 lbs, insisting "it's just water". Refused Ensure or anything like it. We'd bring things we knew she liked, and she'd turn her head and frown. We finally had a "Come to Jesus" meeting with her, us, and her doctor. Told her if she kept this up, she'd have to get a feeding tube. She said, "No!". Doctor said "It's up to you. I can't force you to get a tube. But I'm telling you now that if you keep starving, you will get weaker and you're going to die." That did it. Death was her biggest fear, so she started eating. Not enough really, but better than nothing.

What it came down to, is she was mad. Didn't want to be there, scared, can't do for herself, not in control. She established control and showed her anger by not eating. Almost an "I'll show them!" attitude. And she didn't consciously think to do it really, was just how she reacted. Even with dementia it's possible... 3-year-olds can do the same!

A trip to the ER gets her evaluated and starts the process to get her in a NH. Refuse to have her released to your care. When husband protests, give the reality check: She is going to decline and will need more help than what you both could provide, so might as well start on this before it gets truly bad. He can take the reins if he wants to keep her at home (because you are DONE!) but he'll have to quit his job. Which he won't. Hello, facility.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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I guess the only thing you can do is tell her what will happen when she doesn't eat. When it happens, call the ambulance. Really, u probably can't reason with her. She is like a child. She will get hungry.

You said "my daughter" so not ur husbands. Were the kids a little overwhelming? Dementia people aren't good in situations like this. Next time watch her. If she becomes anxious, take her someplace quite and let DH sit with her till she calms down. She may not realize why she feels the way she does so just pouts.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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This is not uncommon in the elderly and you can google it, actually. They often, at the end of life, stop eating. Very very common and hope others will join this thread to tell you there own experiences. What would your husband now want for his mother? Because they will happily connect her to tube feedings. This will require she be tied up so she cannot remove tubing, the tubing often displaces sending food into the lung and causing pneumonia, the diarrhea from such feedings often will cause horrific end stage decubiti and infection. There comes a time to let go. This may be time to seek the input of a good palliative care physician and to consider hospice care. Your mother-in-law is now facing the end. Her son will have to face it as well. So sorry for the pain. Put this in the hands of a GOOD and trusted team involving Social Workers, Hospice, Palliative Care physician and family members, so that you can come up with a good plan of care to make the end of life as good as you are able.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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JoAnn29 Jun 7, 2019
This woman is 73yrs old. I don't really think its an eol thing. I just think its the Dementia which makes them like children. She is mad and this is how she thinks she needs to control the situation.
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Thanks for the advice and yes she did have a UTI but her outburst only seem to happen when my family is around. I met her once and boom 5 years later I'm her care taker. She never liked me so she didn't have anything to do with her son. He's an only child. He works long hours and hardly see's her and even when he tells her things she takes it out on me while he is at work so it doesn't matter where the info comes from... I get blamed so Im always the bearer of bad news. We have taken her to the doctor for this before. They just up her meds. Then the cycle continues.
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Reply to Momof5and8
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Don’t threaten a person with dementia, she’s not capable of understanding that. Take her to either her doctor or the ER to be evaluated, tell what you’ve observed and let them do their jobs in figuring out a plan
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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YOU should tell her? Why doesn't HE tell her?

It sounds as though his mom would benefit from a psychiatric workup. Have you talked to her doctor about these behaviors? Have you considered that she may have a UTI?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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