I am her only living relative nearby ( her other 2 sons live on west coast. I am on east coast).
I am building a home in a retirement community in Florida ( thousands of miles from where I live now) This process was started BEFORE my husband’s passing.
His family is putting MAJOR guilt on me. My husband & I ( esp. me) took excellent care Of her LONG b4 she went to AL. We saw her every single week, we took food shopping… I took her to all her doctors appointments,etc. ( I should say here I am a retired nurse… Which I think is making the situation worse)
My husband had POA… Obviously, upon his death… It was transferred my two brothers in-law in California… But her mailing address is my home… So I am constantly mailing bank statements, Social Security papers, tax info, medical papers, etc. to them at my expense.
With my move they are very concerned that she has to have an in-state resident address...which in our state is true.
And of course, no one will be near her to oversee her care.
They are asking me to rethink my decision. It really was/is my dream to live in warmer climate in my golden years. Not to mention $40,000 has already gone into that new home. And, most importantly, I think it’s the best thing for me…Nor do I believe it is my responsibility to take care of her as selfish as that may sound.
All the grandchildren ( including my 2 kids) live out of state as well. Actually, my 2 live in Florida...another reason we chose to build there)
After all, they ( her other 2 sons) all left her years ago… Any advice?
* My MIL has full mental capacity...she is best going on 90 yr. old I have ever seen. The problem is the more physical … She needs help showering, getting dressed, she couldn’t cook anymore, etc. (plus she had made MAJOR mistake w/ her checking account which took MONTHS to rectify @ my husband & my expense!)
We had hired a part time aid which worked out well short term but became clear after she was hospitalized two years in a row for a long period time that she needed something more than an aid.
She is paying for the assisted-living out of pocket… But can well afford it for another good few years (5-6 yrs). It is a Medicaid approved facility so that is not a concern.
She also loves it there… She’s really made a new life for herself there.
Thank you in advance.
I'm not sure why she has to have an in-state address if she's not on Medicaid? It matters where she resides, not where her mail is sent. She can certainly prove she's lived in that state the entire time. Have her mail forwarded by USPS to the BILs. Tell them all responsibilities that will be transferring to them (banking, medical, etc). Then go and enjoy your retirement and reject any pressure from then with a smile and just say "I can't do that". Make sure YOU have a wise and practical aging plan in place for yourself. Wishing you peace in your heart that you are not doing anything to feel guilty about!
She is cognizant, she can make her own decisions she does not need a POA
I would consult an Elder Care Attorney and see if the address for her mail can be sent to the brother in California. It could probably be sent to your MIL since she is decisional.
DO NOT change your plans.
Another option might be a Geriatric Care Manager.
Enjoy your vacation home!
Several people (before Covid) in my LO’s AL were able to live independently with some individualized supports. Is the banking issue a potential Red Flag though? Why wasn’t she able to figure out a solution for that? Are any other issues in the cognitive domain beginning to show signs of slipping?
It’s time to share gently and lovingly but firmly that you and your husband were in the process of disengaging from her local care for quite some time, and that while you’ll be glad to do some long distance overseeing (if that’s the case), you’ll be moving no later than (whatever date).
Enjoy your new life. You’ve certainly earned it!
I'm just curious - what was the plan for MIL once you and your husband moved to FL? I'm sure he must have discussed that with his brothers? Did they just not believe you when you said you would be moving?
What does MIL say about all of this? If she has a nice life where she is, why would she want to deny you the same?
I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband; but I am very glad you're going to continue on with your dream of a new life in Florida!
Step away now and allow her family to make decisions. Seems they are already doing that but they are making decisions about YOUR life. I cannot imagine changing my own life plans, plans you had with your husband, in order to get mail going to POA in another State.
THEY now have POA. Up to them to do the change of address with all entities. Or hire a Financial Fiduciary to do so. They agreed to assume POA, and they have done so now.
As to MIL they can move her if she wishes, or continue as they are or hey, BEST OF ALL HIRE A FIDUCIARY to act for MIL. He will charge approximately 90.00 an hour to take care of EVERYTHING. When my brother's ex needed to enter care and his sister, already aged and in FL could not take on POA, a Fiduciary was appointed (recommended by his Lawyer). He is diligent and marvelous. He has become a friend of mine with my bro now gone, and his ex fairly incapacitated. MIL ALF may also provide a list of names who do this work. As may MIL's bank.
Your duty to MIL ongoing is to call once in a while, send letters and cards to fill her in, and live a good quality life. I am so sorry for your loss. With that and caring for MIL you have had enough; time to enjoy your life a bit now.
While she is still your MIL, you can and should wash your hands of the CG and move on with your life. She has other relatives, obviously they should now step up and be responsible.
Following all the advice given here, you have done more than what could be expected. Get all the paper bills fwded to a BIL, I can't fathom a rule that says the bills have to be kept 'in state' that makes no sense whatsoever.
Hiring a fiduciary will take the 'emotion' out of the equation and don't you DARE feel guilty for choosing to live your own life!
MIL could easily live 5-7 more years--do you want to put your life on hold for an unknown length of time, out of some kind of blind obligation??
You can hold your head high, you've done enough!
It's common on here that females (wives or daughters) get assigned the job of caretaking for a relative, even an in-law. It's just assumed caretaking is the woman's job. Then when said woman gets exhausted, about to have a breakdown, and tired of being used, the rest of the family doesn't understand why. Or just tell her to suck it up and do her job. Even though it should never have been hers in the first place! Society expects women to sacrifice themselves for others. Caring and helping is one thing; sacrificing is another.
And if the woman is raising or has raised children, it's even more expected... like a "You've changed diapers, you've dealt with toddlers, you can handle it!". Ummm, no. While an elder may have the mind or mannerisms of a toddler, they are not tiny humans and they can fight back! It's just not the same.
Since you'd planned this before your husband's passing (and I am sorry for your loss), think of what he would have wanted you to do. I'm sure he loved his mother too, but would he want you to do as his brothers say? Granted, I don't know you at all, but I'm betting he would want you to move on and be near your kids and grandkids.
Her sons are going to need to make decisions and soon. Move Mom out there or find someone where she lives to oversee for them. Anything she needs can be ordered on line and shipped to her. Its their responsibility now.
Again, give them a heads up. I am leaving xx/xx/xx. You will need to make plans because I "am" doing this.
You've done enough.
They have some nerve laying a guilt trip on YOU when you are her IN LAW.
Please move forward with your plans to move to a retirement community in Florida, and leave the care & management of your MIL to her sons. They can figure out mailing addresses and all the rest of it, like they should have been doing since your husband passed away. This was not your burden to bear in the first place.
My condolences over the loss of your husband.
Wishing you the best of luck and a great new future in Florida. My folks loved living there for 17 years!
Gosh this reminds of the situation with my own grandmother! My dad was her foster child, never adopted (that was his choice). When she could no longer live alone, her son and DIL who lived locally to her, wouldn’t help out! My parents moved her to Nevada where they live. My mother took care of her for several years. And the thing is, her bio-son was retiring when it all started. He and his wife just didn’t want to do the job! She couldn’t live alone anymore but didn’t qualify for AL and couldn’t afford IL. So she moved in with my parents. Anyway!
If I was you, I would tell them that they should rethink their decision to expect you to manage her care! Ask them why they feel you should be responsible? Living closer to her isn’t a reasonable explanation IMO. Why do they feel they have the right to tell you to reconsider your decision to move to FL? And then I would tell them that the decision is made and you are moving and give them an end date, a date in which you will cease to receive her mail and manage her care.
You deserve to live the same carefree live your BILs been able to live. Move to Florida. Cherish the time with your grandchildren. Make many wonderful memories. You deserve happiness. You don’t owe your in-laws a damn thing here.