She’s only 69 but after years of non-medical adherence and doing whatever she wants in general, against our advice and after many blood pressure scares, falls and hospitalizations, she had a major stroke. She’s still cognizant and but just can’t walk, partially paralyzed and sometimes makes up stuff. Hubby wants her to move back (from the nursing home) a few doors down with FIL who is also rapidly declining. Can they modify the house without my consent and pull this off? The main level doesn’t have a usable bathroom big enough nor shower.
I’m not going to be able to help and MIL will wear me out if allowed and doesn’t know boundaries and has a messy personality, unfortunately. I learned this after we bought them the house and move them here from Denver. We have two young daughters and they are extremely busy and involved. I feel like my husband wants to force me into caregiving while he continues to work 65 hours plus a week. I work full time as well and we have tons of expenses and live in upstate New York and can’t afford to continue to pay for their home, our home and all their bills plus caregivers. He doesn’t seem to understand this and is now furious with me but claims he doesn’t want me to have to change diapers and shower them and stuff. Well who the hell is going to do it? How can I make him understand that a caregiver at only $13/hour 8 hours a day and NO WEEKENDS is not going to take care of TWO elderly (one who cannot transfer herself at all and FIL can barely walk). That’s what he proposed and we can’t even afford that right now for more than a year or two max.
What is he thinking? I love his parents but this will destroy our marriage and our girls are little and I don’t want them forcing this heaviness on them either. I already see signs that they are being leaned on for emotional support a caregiving and they are only 7 and 8. I hate this nightmare and wish we hadn’t bought them this house only a year and change ago. They also were very sedentary before their swift decline so I should have seen the writing on the wall.
Sounds like I don’t like them but it’s not that, just tired of being made the enemy for saying the same thing the facility is saying about what's an appropriate level of care and don’t want this to take a wrecking ball to our marriage which is already on fire because of this. Am I doomed to divorce if I can’t stop this train?
Good luck.
Stop thinking you are responsible for the care of others and for the happiness of others.
You ARE NOT.
If your husband is even thinking of bringing family home to attempt to provide care that is VERY POOR DECISION MAKING then you need to make it clear that when they move in you are moving out. And you need to do that. Start now by having a division of finances, so that he has no access to the money you would require to move and get a good divorce attorney. Let him know that this is not what will happen now to you and to your life. Period. End of sentence. No arguing. No shouting. Just a simple fact.
Maybe try to get him to see a marriage counselor with you as a condition you stay in the marriage. You're in a very dysfunctional marriage and your husband has a very co-dependent relationship with his parents. You don't have to go down with that ship but make sure you decide upon your plan with your eyes wide open.
Here's the reason why!
I HAD cared for his father for almost a year and I refused to let him come into our home as we had 2 youngish daughters and they were traumatized just by being around him. They loved him, but his illness and deep, hacking non stop cough just drove us all insane.
I opted to do 3xs a day care for almost a year. Dh did absolutely nothing to help out. He'd go to his dad's house occasionally, but one of the coughing fits would hit and DH would start gagging in sympathy. FIL became incontinent (both ways) and I had to handle that, b/c DH was also revolted by that. Like somehow it wasn't revolting to ME.
Being an inlaw--I had no voice (supposedly).
I flat out refused to lift a finger for MIL's care. She hated me (was verbally open and loud about that) and I felt zero guilt about letting the 3 'kids' handle her. All I ever said was "She needs to go into care. Period."
The 18 month drama that ensued as they dealt with her sloooooow decline was beyond awful. They finally placed her in a lovely ALF community only to find she was far past the 'assisted' part. She lived one week in this place and died. They were making plans to move her to the Memory Care adjacent to the ALF.
(My DH also traveled a great deal, leaving me with all the family crises).
You already know the answer. And it's NO. Full stop.
Possibly you can find housing for both inlaws in the same place, There is a reduction in monthly fees when 2 people share a room.
Actually, this isn't your problem. It's your husband's. Don't be the answer to all the problems. I learned the hard way!
You KNOW you shouldn't be paying for all this. It will bankrupt you, monetarily and mentally.
Why is he furious with you?? You didn’t cause any of this. Nor can you fix any of it. It really bothers me that he would be directing his negative emotions onto you, and also that he doesn’t seem to prioritize your two children here.
Can “they” modify the house without your consent? It doesn’t sound like either your MIL or FIL are in any condition to hire and supervise contractors or live through a renovation. Is your husband actually contemplating doing this? Is the house in their names? Sounds like it should be sold to help pay for him to be in assisted living. Does her NH have AL attached or nearby?
His suggestion of a helper 8 hours/ day for $13/hour…..many issues. They need more help than that, and you won’t find anyone who will do this job for that rate. Even if you did find such a person, as you say, it’s too much for one person to manage. If he tried it for one day, I bet he would realize.
Good luck. I am sorry he’s being so unrealistic and hurting you and your children (!!!) in the process. Don’t go down with the ship!
Tell your husband he is selfish for wanting to remove his own mother from the round-the-clock care that she needs. Tell him you will in no way participate. If he goes ahead and bring them home, stand your ground. Don't go over there, not even to say hello to them. Do not do any care. That includes no laundry at your house -- he does their laundry himself. No cooking or baking at your house, or shopping -- he does it himself. He can organize Meals on Wheels if he needs to. He can go to the grocery store. He can do the diapers and the showering. He can take FMLA time off from his job. If he still insists, take your daughters on a trip during their upcoming time off from school -- even if it's just to stay at your family's home in the same town.
You can’t be forced into caregiving if you aren’t living with your in laws .
Also . If possible quietly divide your bank accounts ahead of time just in case this ends up in divorce .
At any rate you should not be using your own money or equity to fund your in laws care. They go on Medicaid in the nursing home if in laws do not have money or own a home to sell .
Medicaid will pay for nursing home care. Your mother inlaw is too heavy for you to handle.
As for your husband, he sounds like he needs therapy.
Well actually you need 6 caregivers a day, 3 for MIl and 3 for FIL.
NEVER use your money for elder caregiving. Your extra money is for YOUR rainy days. My daughter was in a bad wreck last year and was in the hospital for 3 weeks. Had I worked, I would have had to take 6 weeks off with FMLA unpaid. After she got out of the hospital, I still had to drive her everywhere for another 3 weeks until she was able to drive again.
Your extra money is also for your golden years. You see what piss poor planning gets you with your in laws.
I’d stop arguing with your husband and I don’t care how furious he is. No is a complete sentence. Stop participating in his delusions and his desperation. Just say no and then go take a walk around the corner.
Good luck and I support and back you up 100%. Please come back and keep us posted.
You are doing the right thing in taking a stand on this.
Your MIL will not get better. From what you have indicated she will probably be noncompliant with rehab as well as continuing to care for her own health.
I am also at a loss as to why you and your husband are supporting your In-Laws. You say you are paying for their home, their bills and their caregivers. WHY????
They should be supporting themselves.
As to your question can they modify the house without your permission...
Who owns the house? If you and your husband own the house and your In-Laws are renters they can not do anything to the house without your permission. (The question is would your husband ok it without telling or asking you? And who will pay for modifications? It sounds like you and your husband will be the ones footing the bill on this as well.)
Ask your husband what is going to be more expensive in the long run...
Helping his parents
or
Supporting you and the kids when you move out and he has to pay support AND support his parents.
You might want to look to see if there are any programs that might help them
Is FIL or MIL a Veteran? If so the VA may have programs that can help. And if there is a "service connected disability" it may help a lot.
Check with local Senior Service Center and see if there are programs that may help them
But you and your husband should not be responsible financially for them, what happens when you need help, when you retire where are your savings then? Or do you expect your children to support you? And I doubt that you would do that to them.
He can’t win here. So don’t play his games.
I think the OP should just show him the comments on this thread. He’s got to wake up.
We were paying $32 an hour in a rural country area for 1 person.
It is hard for a woman to care for someone at 120 pounds.
Don't bring a bed bound person home, since her own husband can't handle her 24/7 care either! Your husband needs to face reality, or a divorce.
After a major stroke (and resulting paralysis), it's time for a nursing home. With medical professionals, three 8-hour shifts of help, and all equipment needed to move MIL around. Neither of you can do it and still work full time! Talk to MIL's Doctor, or hospital Social Worker, to explain your concerns and get help preventing this situation to escalate.
Remind your husband he made vows to YOU, not his Mother.
Tell your husband you will get a divorce and take his kids if he keeps pushing it. He will have to pay child support a long time.
Why are you financially supporting his parents in the first place?
Not fair at all to your two young children either.
First, I am trying to understand the living arrangement. When you say "we bought them this house", are they living in the same house with you? Or are they in a house nearby which you bought? Did they sell their previous home to afford to buy this house? And why is he planning on paying for a home caregiver? Do the parents not have any money or assets? The cost is only one piece of this, but it is a BIG piece! YOU and your husband should NOT be paying for his parents care! And if you are paying for the home they live in, my suggestion would be to sell it (or rent it out and keep as an income property) and move the In-Laws to a care home. You and your husband don't pay for the care home, Their income and assets are used for their needs, and if they lack income and assets, then they apply for Medicaid.
Now, it sounds as if hubby is not on board with this plan. He envisions his parents living in their home with an underpaid caregiver to meet their needs.
Don't let this argument ruin your marriage! If he thinks it can be done, and he insists, let him try it. I can tell you now, (as you already know) that it won't work out. Not for long. He won't find a caregiver for $13/hr who will meet their needs. I think you have already informed your husband that YOU will not become their caregiver. Stick to that. It may seem petty at times, when they need something and you refuse, but you must stick to your guns. If you give in once, it will snowball into something you will not be happy with!
Let him try his idea, if he won't listen to your reason. He will fail. His parents will fail at living in their home with no one to take care of their needs. Something will have to give, and force everyone to find a different solution.
I don't advocate for stressing a marriage, or for divorce. But, this is something that you have to decide where you fit in to the caregiving of his parents. Your decision on your caregiving role is more important than saving your marriage.
If you get sucked into this against your will, it could be a decade, or decades of resentment and the doing the hardest job you will ever do. Marriage is great, and I'm sure your husband is a great guy, but it is not worth losing yourself to his expectations of you being a caregiver for his parents.
There are financial, emotional and practical pieces to this situation and you cannot be in the position to be forced into anything. It is YOUR choice, and YOUR boundaries concerning what you are both willing and able to do.
Working a full time job, raising 2 young children and running a household is a full plate as is-there isn't enough hours in the day to be a caregiver which also requires a 24/7 need due to your MIL's inability to transfer. Also, remember, you are role modeling for your children. A mother who is a caregiving slave that's resentful and burned out is not a good role model. That's why I suggest reaching out to a therapist asap or if you can, just have an honest, calm conversation with your husband and stand your ground if needed.
I wish you all the best.
Please do not even think about breaking up you beautiful family! You made vows to love each other. You CAN figure this out!!!
Maybe sell their house and spend the money on full time care for them in an apartment.
Keep thinking of ways for this to work out well for everyone! Your kids are watching and learning from you and your husband.
Before you know it, your kids will be faced with the same issues, and you and your husband will be the elderly, sickly, needy ones. Show your kids what live, compassion, and teamwork looks like!
Your husband loves his parents, and remember they made him who he is today. Your in-laws are part of your kids. Think outside of the box for solutions. Work together as a family unit. Make it work! You will be proud of yourselves. People are always so quick to quit, give up, divorce.
Look at every asset his parents have, and find the money to make something workout. They will not live forever, and this time of life is hard on them too.
Best of luck to your entire family!
🙏❤️🍀
There is not "Tons of bad advice here, rooted in negative and pessimistic thinking" but lots of realistic, down to earth advice based on reality and what YOUR life will look like if the MIL is allowed to move in.
Magical thinking is not helpful to you.
Please take what you like and leave the rest from these comments.
I had a case the other week where I had to walk up five flights of stairs to be met by a pile feces on the floor in the client's hallway. The client was drunk as a skunk and kept calling me every five minutes. It was cold in the apartment and as soon as the technicians left, it felt like the heat went out again. This man would have been better off in a snf. However, I dont think that he would have been too happy there since he would not be able to get his hands on any alcohol.